Trouble in Paradise
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Husband stays angry for days what can I do

I will try to keep this short as possible.....  my husband cannot discuss anything when he is angry about something.  

This time being I liked some guys photo on Instagram and was following him and so he said I am a Liar because I said I dont like photos because I am thinking he is hot it just came up in my feed and I dont really care or pay attention Im just liking photos as I scroll along!.  ANYWAYS. 

He will stay angry for days and every time I try to speak w/ him about it he just points the finger and blames and yells or gives the silent treatment.  

I have tried telling him i refuse to accept this behavior and i am going to leave him alone for a few days ( he is currently in his country we are waiting for his visa to process, i just moved back stateside as i was living in his country.)   But then he just repeats himself says i am a liar and is dismissive to me,  then i try to defend myself and its like a cycle. 

I dont know how to deal with this type of behavior. 
«13

Re: Husband stays angry for days what can I do

  • dont renew his visa - let him stay in his country. when he decides to act like an adult he can call and beg your forgiveness.
    englishtrish1
  • LOL Good idea.  I should say that to him...  I tried texting him on whatsapp ( he wont accept phone calls from me)  and telling him when you are ready to talk calmly then I am here 

    Also tried telling him i am not seeking out mens photos to look at i am just on there for entertainment and like all the pics its just mindless and he doesnt need to worry ... i married HIM... and i post pics of him and us all the time anyways so whatever. 

    He just replies with fuck off liar,  your a liar,  ok liar, etc.  

    I mean what am i supposed to do whenever he is upset about something this is how he acts.  I dont know how to stop it
  • Nope, nope, nope. I would be done with him. He has an abusive personality and you will not have a happy and healthy future with him. Cut your losses, learn your lesson and move on.
    short+sassy
  • you cannot change his behavior  - you can only protect yourself.  this is such a level of toxic relationship that I would fear for your physical health and metal health. if you were my sister I would haul your butt over to a divorce attorney to file paperwork and also over to the police department to file a restraining order (if he was in the country). 
  • Hmm I am not sure if I am ready to just call it quits we havent been married very long...  I sent him one message this morning it just said "we need to talk"  and he still hasnt replied. I know he read the message though.  Anyways.. I guess I will see what happens.......I am not going to try to contact him at all tomorrow. 
  • tm8191 said:
    I will try to keep this short as possible.....  my husband cannot discuss anything when he is angry about something.  

    This time being I liked some guys photo on Instagram and was following him and so he said I am a Liar because I said I dont like photos because I am thinking he is hot it just came up in my feed and I dont really care or pay attention Im just liking photos as I scroll along!.  ANYWAYS. 

    He will stay angry for days and every time I try to speak w/ him about it he just points the finger and blames and yells or gives the silent treatment.  

    I have tried telling him i refuse to accept this behavior and i am going to leave him alone for a few days ( he is currently in his country we are waiting for his visa to process, i just moved back stateside as i was living in his country.)   But then he just repeats himself says i am a liar and is dismissive to me,  then i try to defend myself and its like a cycle. 

    I dont know how to deal with this type of behavior. 
    Uh, if I were you, I would NOT go for a visa to permit him to come here to be with you.

    Reason being: this is a loose cannon -- he needs anger management and if this a very recent occurrence, he needs to see a doc. Anger flashes can be caused by something organic: hormonal imbalances and thyroid problems are 2 of the health reasons behind short tempers.

    If he has no health problems, he needs anger management. he's got no right to be nasty to you and shutting down and acting like the way he is acting is not only childish, it is manipulative as well.

    If you are not  legally married to him --- some ladies call a boyfriend or SO "the husband" --- say goodbye to him posthaste. He is manipulative and nasty and this is not somebody who is there for your greater good.
    van01
  • tm8191 said:
    Hmm I am not sure if I am ready to just call it quits we havent been married very long...  I sent him one message this morning it just said "we need to talk"  and he still hasnt replied. I know he read the message though.  Anyways.. I guess I will see what happens.......I am not going to try to contact him at all tomorrow. 
    See what I am saying???

    Childish.

    So you are legally married to him.,...if he has always treated you like this, get an annulment. I have no idea how that will work in a country like yours -- seek legal counsel from an attorney int he country where you are right now -- I am guessing you are in the States -- and see what he or she can advise.

    If this has been the way he always is --- I think it's best if you call it quits right now. You are in for a lifetime of this kind of abuse and divisiveness. Do you really want to sign on for that? I think not.
  • Yes I am legally married to him.  I am in the states now and live here.  He will be here in about 6 months.  

     This is how he acts when something upsets him.  He gives me the silent treatment, with holds affection,  if i try to talk to him he says rude things or just acts like im not there, does nothing but argue.   His family says he will melt just give him time,  I kind of agree with that but on the other hand why the hell should I have to put up with this behavior (whether or not it was my fault) 

    So i get a notificaiton he signed into my Gmail on his phone so i changed the password and then text him stop snooping in my gmail and you need to talk to me like a normal person.. youre acting like a immature 12 year old. let me know when you are ready to talk

    all he said was ok, bye. 

    I am starting to lose my patience with this mf! I believe there should be a way to work it out but I dont know and everyones advice is just leave him.  Easier said than done. 
  • tm8191 said:
    Yes I am legally married to him.  I am in the states now and live here.  He will be here in about 6 months.  

     This is how he acts when something upsets him.  He gives me the silent treatment, with holds affection,  if i try to talk to him he says rude things or just acts like im not there, does nothing but argue.   His family says he will melt just give him time,  I kind of agree with that but on the other hand why the hell should I have to put up with this behavior (whether or not it was my fault) 

    So i get a notificaiton he signed into my Gmail on his phone so i changed the password and then text him stop snooping in my gmail and you need to talk to me like a normal person.. youre acting like a immature 12 year old. let me know when you are ready to talk

    all he said was ok, bye. 

    I am starting to lose my patience with this mf! I believe there should be a way to work it out but I dont know and everyones advice is just leave him.  Easier said than done. 
    He will MELT???

    Gee, isn't that friggin' special.

    Won't accept phone calls from you? THis is bullshit, absolute bullshit.

    No way to work it out. Put yourself first.  Thank God you have physical distance between the 2 of you.

    See an attorney where you are and see if you can file here, stateside. I don't see why not, even if you were married in another country.

    File for an annulment, not a divorce.  If you annul, your status will be "never married", not divorced.
  • Good point on the annullment, although still not ready to do that quite yet but just because... do you know how long I have to do an annullment?  

    Anyways... I reached out to him again,  he just started screaming at me on text saying I cheated on him (WTF>??)  And then he keeps trying to argue with me about this instagram BS!  

    I told him you can either accept my truth and stop giving me silent treatment, or you can figure out whether or not you want to be in a marriage or not.  So he just keeps trying to talk about this instagram bs and i told him im not hearing any of that, when youre calm and ready to move past this and just talk about it let me know.

    If anything before I annull or divorce or whatever, Im thinking we can try marriage counseling?  I dont know.    I have never dealt with this type of stuff before, and especially not with someone who draws this crap out this long.  I mean 4-5 days .. damn! Over me liking  pics and following a guy on instagram. ffs!  
  • How old are the 2 of you?
    Please do not let this guy come here. 
    Stop the visa proceedings immediately.
    This is not a man, it is a little child you are dealing with.

    Sounds like his greencard isnt going to work out for him. Tell him that next time he is in the mood to talk.


  • If it were me, I'd be worried if he behaves this way long distance and tries to control you from so far away -- how will he be in person? You know him best -- is this a response to being LD and he is insecure, or does he pull this crap to your face as well? 

    One way or another it seems as though you and he need to have a long 'come to Jesus' talk about expectations in this marriage: that if there is a disagreement it must be discussed like adults, for example. If he's unwilling to talk about that, it may be time to re-evaluate his commitment to you and your vows. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • tm8191 said:
    Yes I am legally married to him.  I am in the states now and live here.  He will be here in about 6 months.  

     This is how he acts when something upsets him.  He gives me the silent treatment, with holds affection,  if i try to talk to him he says rude things or just acts like im not there, does nothing but argue.   His family says he will melt just give him time,  I kind of agree with that but on the other hand why the hell should I have to put up with this behavior (whether or not it was my fault) 

    So i get a notificaiton he signed into my Gmail on his phone so i changed the password and then text him stop snooping in my gmail and you need to talk to me like a normal person.. youre acting like a immature 12 year old. let me know when you are ready to talk

    all he said was ok, bye. 

    I am starting to lose my patience with this mf! I believe there should be a way to work it out but I dont know and everyones advice is just leave him.  Easier said than done. 

    I realize it is hard to admit or even acknowledge that a mistake was made, especially after such a short marriage.  But he is a mistake and perhaps a dangerous one.  He has already shown his tendencies to be emotionally abusive.  Marriage counseling can only help if both people admit there is a problem and are willing to put in the time and effort to try and fix things...and even then it sometimes doesn't work.  But it sounds like he wouldn't even be willing to do that.

    The easiest time to leave is now.  He isn't even in the country yet.  Once he is here, it will be substantially more difficult and probably more expensive to end things with him, if he doesn't change.  And it doesn't even sound like he wants to change.

    I would never tolerate my SO repeatedly calling me a liar and giving me the silent treatment for days at a time.  That is the sign of a very immature person and one who has zero ability to compromise and think rationally.  You will be forever walking on eggshells for as long as you are with him.  That is no way to live.

    I also have to wonder what kind of provider he would be.  Somebody with that short of a temper and that small of an ability to rationally interact with others also sounds like someone who won't be able to hold down a job.  I'm picturing some horrid scenario where he comes to this country...you're the only one with a job and providing for the family...and he has nothing better to do all day than stew about "imagined" crushes you have on random Instagram guys or even coworkers/clients. 

  • The WORST thing you can do with someone who's abusive is marriage counseling.  This is irreparable.  Dump him ASAP.

    Whether you can do an annulment or a divorce depends entirely on the laws in your state; there are legal requirements for annulment (and divorce) that vary widely by state.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
  • I am 34 and he is 30.  I am in IL.    Yes he has done this to me in person before, ignoring me in front of family even.  

    He can hold a job, he doesnt seem to have problems interacting with people hes very outgoing and generally a good/nice person.   I understand what you guys are saying hes immature and walking on eggshells and etc.. idk.  I am just confused.. 

    I sent him a few messages today,  he accused me of cheating,  said he didnt want to talk to me,  so i told him i wasnt going to let his silent treatment affect me, and he says.... "do you think its funny when i ignore you?"  And i said no, just not letting it affect me.  Apparently that made him mad because he said "great good job." 

    I tried to be normal with him i said do you want to see my new ID and i sent him a pic of it and he didnt say anything.  its been 5 days I mean wtf.  I told him we need marriage counseling (no response of course) 

    Should I keep trying to be peace maker or what??! Just ignore HIM until he calls and can talk without accusing and blaming? I dont know. 
  • We're all telling you what you need to do. Many abusive people hold jobs and are charming as hell. It's something that crosses all income levels and social strata. Street cleaners, cops, doctors, lawyers, scientists, car manufacturers... can all be abusers.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
    Disneygeek77
  • tm8191 said:
    I am 34 and he is 30.  I am in IL.    Yes he has done this to me in person before, ignoring me in front of family even.  

    He can hold a job, he doesnt seem to have problems interacting with people hes very outgoing and generally a good/nice person.   I understand what you guys are saying hes immature and walking on eggshells and etc.. idk.  I am just confused.. 

    I sent him a few messages today,  he accused me of cheating,  said he didnt want to talk to me,  so i told him i wasnt going to let his silent treatment affect me, and he says.... "do you think its funny when i ignore you?"  And i said no, just not letting it affect me.  Apparently that made him mad because he said "great good job." 

    I tried to be normal with him i said do you want to see my new ID and i sent him a pic of it and he didnt say anything.  its been 5 days I mean wtf.  I told him we need marriage counseling (no response of course) 

    Should I keep trying to be peace maker or what??! Just ignore HIM until he calls and can talk without accusing and blaming? I dont know. 

    Not trying to kick you in the shins while you are down, but wow--- hon, this guy is not good for you.

    His behavior is not typical.

    Nobody has the right to freeze you out or ignore you or treat you like you're a nobody... and all because he's po'd about something.

    Don't give another thought to bringing him here. If you do, you'll be in it past your eyeballs 24/7 and his behavior can easily turn physical.

    Please follow the suggestions here: do not let him gain entry into this country and do not do any visa work for him. You do not belong with him.

  • lets look at this a different way - would you want your daughter to be treated like this? 

    this guy is  completely no good, he does not respect you as a woman. heck, he does not respect you as a person.  

    there is no marriage to save, just another round of mental and verbal abuse.  what happens when he steps it up and starts hitting you?

  • No, I wouldnt ever want this for my daughter if i had one, or niece or anybody and I know he wouldnt either so i dont understand why hes so fkd up!

    I tried again to make peace and he actually answered the phone this time but all he did was argue. 

    Hes so stuck on this damn instagram thing its making me furious and crazy!  He will keep asking me the same question and then when i give him the answer he says "NO. YOURE WRONG. AND YOUR LYING."  like wtf?! 

    I told him dont you care about this marriage?  I think the marriage is more important than Instagram... and he says ... Ill talk about marriage when u ready to tell me the truth about what you "do" on instagram.


    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO OR SAY TO THIS MAN!   I HAVE NOT LIED! BUT IN HIS HEAD I AM! i refuse to admit to something that I didnt do! 

    He wont just get over this and move past . Today will be the 6th day of this crap 
  • tm8191 said:
     

    Should I keep trying to be peace maker or what??! 
    Yes.  Stop.  You're MARRIED.  This isn't about being a "peacemaker".  This is about working out an issue with your spouse- -and he isn't willing to do that.  He sounds like a child.  An immature child.

    Stop trying to contact him.  That's a part of the game for him - he WANTS you to call, text, keep trying, keep groveling.  Stop.  Just stop.  Let HIM stew for awhile wondering what YOURE thinking and doing. 

    But really- that's not the real solution.  I have no idea how  you met him, how long you've been together etc, but this will NOT get better on it's own.  

    And again- as a PARNTER in your MARRIAGE, you shouldn't be the "peacemaker".  Which actually makes me wonder about YOUR background and why you feel this is your role and why you feel it's normal. 
  • tm8191 said:
    No, I wouldnt ever want this for my daughter if i had one, or niece or anybody and I know he wouldnt either so i dont understand why hes so fkd up!

    I tried again to make peace and he actually answered the phone this time but all he did was argue. 

    Hes so stuck on this damn instagram thing its making me furious and crazy!  He will keep asking me the same question and then when i give him the answer he says "NO. YOURE WRONG. AND YOUR LYING."  like wtf?! 

    I told him dont you care about this marriage?  I think the marriage is more important than Instagram... and he says ... Ill talk about marriage when u ready to tell me the truth about what you "do" on instagram.


    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO OR SAY TO THIS MAN!   I HAVE NOT LIED! BUT IN HIS HEAD I AM! i refuse to admit to something that I didnt do! 

    He wont just get over this and move past . Today will be the 6th day of this crap 
    BOXES OF DOOM.

    What could you possibly "do" on Instagram to be such a big deal? It's all public, you like and comment on pictures? It's like slideshow.

    I really don't know what to tell you about this, though. If he's not willing to talk to you for a week over Instagram, if he thinks you're having an affair (or clicking picys?) and refuses to take you at your word, I agree with the other posters that if/until he can have a discussion about this I wouldn't put any more money or time into his immigration process. It sounds like he's basically said that Instagram is a more important topic than the marriage, so ... yeah. That's something to consider about your future. 

    One way or the other I would recommend some serious soul-searching here. It's not something you'd put other women through, as you said, so don't put yourself through it. If this is what marriage with this man is going to be like ... think long and hard about how you imagine your future to be. And maybe take a break from trying to talk to him for awhile. Focus on yourself. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • Thanks everyone i told him i havent lied about anything or done anything wrong to you or our marriage,  i dont know what else to say but I love you.  Im not contacting him again. 

    I dont feel this is normal, I just dont know what to do.  I have never been married or in this type of situation with someone. So I am kind of at a loss.  

    Should I just ignore any messages from him if he says argumentative things? I cant keep going in  circles with him! It is ridiculous.   I dont know if completely ignoring him until hes rational will piss him off even more or what!  I blocked him on whatsapp a few nights ago because he just kept saying i am a liar and etc. So i blocked him so he couldnt be rude to me and he then told me today that made him even MORE angry than he already was so, I dont know.  Im just feeling lost 
  • tm8191 said:
    Thanks everyone i told him i havent lied about anything or done anything wrong to you or our marriage,  i dont know what else to say but I love you.  Im not contacting him again. 

    I dont feel this is normal, I just dont know what to do.  I have never been married or in this type of situation with someone. So I am kind of at a loss.  

    Should I just ignore any messages from him if he says argumentative things? I cant keep going in  circles with him! It is ridiculous.   I dont know if completely ignoring him until hes rational will piss him off even more or what!  I blocked him on whatsapp a few nights ago because he just kept saying i am a liar and etc. So i blocked him so he couldnt be rude to me and he then told me today that made him even MORE angry than he already was so, I dont know.  Im just feeling lost 
    Let's pretend this is the year 1975.

    I am rolling back the clock 40 years, specifically because there were no PCs, no cell phones, no internet and no social media.

    I guarantee you that if this was back then and he thought you were giving a guy passing by, in a local store, at work etc an innocent compliment, the same shit would happen: this crybaby of a 7th grader husband of yours would give you holy hell in a handbasket.

    My point is that he would react the same way over "another guy" -- and this is where you need to check out --- do you want to live yoru life walking on eggs around this SOB? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being held emotional hostage, where you apologize over and over again to perhaps right the situation???

    Please do me a favor: see a counselor of some sort -- one that specializes in couples and marriage counseling -- and tell him or her what happened. I guarantee you he or she would say your H is not in the right and this does not bode well for you or your future with him.

    Do not bring him into this country. Do as I suggested and get an attorney. Have this sham of a marriage ended; get an annulment. You cannot live like this. 
  • Yeah that is what I plan to do... see a marriage counselor... asap.  With or without him.  

    Now he is texting me asking me what am i doing.  I gave like a 2 word answer.. he hasnt given a F what ive been doing for almost a week! 


  • tm8191 said:
     
    I dont feel this is normal, I just dont know what to do. 

    Should I just ignore any messages from him if he says argumentative things? I cant keep going in  circles with him! It is ridiculous.   I dont know if completely ignoring him until hes rational will piss him off even more or what!  
    This doesn't feel normal because it isn't normal. 

    Don't ignore him simply out of spite.  What I would actually do so that it's not just you being "petty" - the first text?  I'd say   "Once you're ready to talk rationally, I will respond.  Until then, you're not going to hear from me".  And THEN do it- don't respond again until he's ready to be rational.

    He texts something innocent?  LIke "what are you doing?".  REply with "are you ready to have a rational talk?".  DOn't let the issue die.  He gets pissed?  Oh well...

    But really- he doesn't sound ready to be in a good, equal marriage.
  • STOP CALLING HIM, STOP TEXTING HIM, STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND STOP ASKING WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

    You are a 30 year old woman, you are acting like a teenager. 
    You cant break this cycle of his behavior because YOU keep allowing it. 
    You are being abused. You will continue to be abused uness YOU stop it,


    TarponMonoxideVORvan01
  • tm8191 said:
    Yeah that is what I plan to do... see a marriage counselor... asap.  With or without him.  

    Now he is texting me asking me what am i doing.  I gave like a 2 word answer.. he hasnt given a F what ive been doing for almost a week! 

    This is manipulative cat and mouse bullshit --- do you need this??? I think not.

  • In addition to character you are looking for a man who lets nothing at all come between you. NOTHING.

    "Let man not tear asunder" and "forsaking all others" is the vow.

    This jerkoff already let a silly app come between the 2 of you. FAIL and big time. He is a zero.

    Look at your message: it is like you will do anything at all to keep this jerk, no matter what it takes. That is what your posts are telling us loud and clear.

    How many times do we need to spell it out for you? he is no good for you and he is not going to change. What you see is what you get. And he isn't going to snap out of it or "melt", as one of his dumbass relatives said.

    Don't fish where the fishing downright sucks. Get rid of him and do it tomorrow. Get him served overseas no matter what it takes --- I believe that the annulment papers can be FedExed to him.
  • He finally text me and apologized to me saying " i am so so sorry for everything"  

    I began to try to discuss with him how its horrible to give someone the silent treatment and how it is bad for the marriage and  can he agree on that and can we find another way to work thorugh his anger


    He got all sarcastic suddently saying YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH like that... .I told him to fucking stop it,  we began talking agian

    he then FLIPS IT on me as usual with his childish response .. i said.." you really hurt me when you ignore me"  and his childish respoinse " YOU DID IT IT TOO!  YOU DO BAD THINGS ALSO!"  like hes fucking 10!

    I told him omg are u kidding me really were trying to move past this and thats waht u say?

    I began to tell him again how hurt he makes me feel and he says,  " YOU ARE SO SELFISH!  ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.  ENOUGH, TARA." 

    At that point i was ready to throw my phone at the fking wall. 

    I said, aftger that.......you are unbelieveable.  Do not talk to me until you can have a RATIONAL conversation.


    Of course i suspect that wont ever happen. 

    THis is really draining,  its now been 7 days.

    I get what you are all saying believe me I do.  But I am married to him.   NO i do not deserve this but deep inside i feel there is a way it can be fixed?  =( 
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