Trouble in Paradise
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meant to be?

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dating for 4 before that with no children.  We have what I would consider a semi-happy marriage (not amazing, but not bad enough to leave) and while I am the type to want to continue growing and enriching and working on our marriage, my husband is more of the type that likes things just the way they are.  We have a hard time communicating and when I suggested counseling to work on our marriage together, he said no and that we should wait until it's worse (which makes no sense to me).  I like to be involved and busy (with a sense of purpose, per se) and my husband would love nothing more than for me to spend all my time at home with him (which is fine too, but that's not my personality and never has been).  I know he loves me, but he tends to be overly critical, a bit negative and we just don't seem to have fun together anymore.  I'm hesitant about attending weddings and social events with him because he doesn't want to talk to anyone (and spends 99% of his time on his phone - another pet peeve) and there have been more than 1 occasions where he has gotten drunk and gotten into really mean, pointless arguments with the me (the kind that make no sense and you end up staying up till 3am screaming at each other :/ ).

 

The reason I am here now is because I am contemplating divorce.  I met someone else who has turned my world upside down and made me wonder if there is something better out there?  this new guy brings me to the title of this post, could we be meant to be?  We hit it off instantly, are on the same page about so many things and he is so happy that I have my own hobbies. (he's incredibly supportive and driven - like me)  The weirdest part of meeting this new person is that we somehow got to the discussion of children's names and he said he loved the name "Blake" for a girl.  No big deal, except that is my favorite name as well and only like 2-3 people know that.  Just a very weird thing to come up. We've also ended up saying the exact same things or coincidentally ended up in the same spots at the same time.  This is someone I could see myself growing with, challenging each other, and having fun. 

 

am I crazy?  I haven't talked to anyone in my personal life about this yet and it is eating me up inside.  I'm not yet 30 and I have no children so while I think things would get messy, I also think that now's the time if I'm going to make any changes in my life.  I don't want to live my life wondering what could have been. 

Re: meant to be?

  • It sounds like you aren't in love with your husband anymore. If I were you and truly unhappy, I would focus on leaving the marriage before getting into a relationship with someone else. Be open with your husband and tell him how you are exactly feeling. He deserves a chance to know you are considering leaving, and why, before you do. Is he the same person he was when you married or did he change? Remember that people can change, and just because you get along so great with someone new while the novelty is fresh, doesn't mean that the same thing won't happen again.
    j3ffsgirl
  • thank you for your response, and I've certainly thought about that.  My husband has changed and I think that we have grown in different directions.  I want to be sure that I'm not just thinking this because of this new person, but more so because of the possibility that there is more out there (even if it isn't with this new guy).  thank you so much.

  • You have some important decisions to make. I would see a counselor by yourself and try t9 distance your self from the new guy as the relationship has gone into the inappropriate range.
  • I remember when my best friend had a crush on a guy and she was purposing looking for signs that they were meant to be. It actually became a bit ridiculous and I had a hard tell not laughing at her.
  • thanks everyone.  i've been thinking and there have been a lot of not great behaviors with my husband in the past (while dating and then while married) and i've always wondered if there was something better out there or if i was just expecting too much.  while this new guy has opened my eyes to the possibility of something better (with him or with someone else), just the idea of being on my own seems exciting right now and makes me feel very hopeful.  my husband does love me but i don't think we have the same expectations in a marriage. i'm no longer putting up with his incessant criticism or negative attitude and am a bit nervous to see what the future holds. 
  • edited October 2015

    Where did you find this guy....

    And why did you pursue a serious relationship with him, let alone marry this guy??

    You said you had problems before you were wed! Did you think they'd vanish once you said I do??

    Problems?

    Let me boldface "the ways":

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dating for 4 before that with no children.  We have what I would consider a semi-happy marriage (not amazing, but not bad enough to leave) and while I am the type to want to continue growing and enriching and working on our marriage, my husband is more of the type that likes things just the way they are.  We have a hard time communicating and when I suggested counseling to work on our marriage together, he said no and that we should wait until it's worse (which makes no sense to me). 

    I like to be involved and busy (with a sense of purpose, per se) and my husband would love nothing more than for me to spend all my time at home with him (which is fine too, but that's not my personality and never has been).  I know he loves me, but he tends to be overly critical, a bit negative and we just don't seem to have fun together anymore.  I'm hesitant about attending weddings and social events with him because he doesn't want to talk to anyone (and spends 99% of his time on his phone - another pet peeve) and there have been more than 1 occasions where he has gotten drunk and gotten into really mean, pointless arguments with the me (the kind that make no sense and you end up staying up till 3am screaming at each other :/ ).

     

    The reason I am here now is because I am contemplating divorce.  I met someone else who has turned my world upside down and made me wonder if there is something better out there?  this new guy brings me to the title of this post, could we be meant to be?  We hit it off instantly, are on the same page about so many things and he is so happy that I have my own hobbies. (he's incredibly supportive and driven - like me)  The weirdest part of meeting this new person is that we somehow got to the discussion of children's names and he said he loved the name "Blake" for a girl.  No big deal, except that is my favorite name as well and only like 2-3 people know that.  Just a very weird thing to come up. We've also ended up saying the exact same things or coincidentally ended up in the same spots at the same time.  This is someone I could see myself growing with, challenging each other, and having fun. 

     

    am I crazy?  I haven't talked to anyone in my personal life about this yet and it is eating me up inside.  I'm not yet 30 and I have no children so while I think things would get messy, I also think that now's the time if I'm going to make any changes in my life.  I don't want to live my life wondering what could have been. 

    I stopped boldfacing after you said he drinks way too much!

    NOT normal and NOT good ---- wow, based on the fact this jerk gets loaded, run like hell.

    Alcohol abuse is a dealbreaker. Even if he isn't a technical alcoholic (though he might be; I do not know of his other drinking habits) he has a problem WITH alcohol...

    And you are bearing the full brunt of it.

    And even if he was not a drinker at all, the 2 of you are not compatible. You cannot communicate with him, he doesn't support your dreams, he isn't even social, from what you reported -- and a marriage is either happy or it is not. What do you mean "no counseling until it gets worse"???He's already admitting it is bad!

    Tell me again where you found this jerk!

    Why did you form a serious relationship with him? Was it because "it's the thing that comes next", "nobody else is asking me out," "everyone expects it", this was a "comfortable" relationship or what? Only you know for sure...

    And bahaha -- a laugh (and I am being sarcastic here; this isn't a haha funny laugh) --- he is antisocial and doesn't talk much in social situations...

    But he is on the phone HOW LONG????

    And who with? What's so damn intriguing that he spends so much time of his on his phone?

    Look into that. This in itself is bullshit.

    Who knows who he has "on the other end" and even if it's only stuff like checking out this or that on the web, NOT normal behavior.

    And you never brought any of this up -- the phone bullshit, his drinking, the fact that he speaks to you like you're a common skivvy: wow, you bet there is poor communication!

    And he shouts at him and vice versa until what time? Lady, why are you arguing with somebody until 3 am, let alone one who is shitfaced drunk? (I am surprised the cops were not summoned -- funny how no neighbors complained)

    Get rid of him posthaste.  The drinking is a dealbreaker.

    So the title of your post is really Met great new guy and I am married! What is our future?? Answer please ?

    Get rid of the guy and do it now.


    And sure you think he is great: he is giving you the attention you probably never got at all from your H.

    Sure he's so great and is so wonderful to you --- he's looking to make you and get into your pants.

    You are no lady if you are married and pursuing another man!

    And you are no lady if you are discussing kids' names with a guy you are interested in  and a guy not your spouse...what are you contemplating? Going off with this guy had having a cute little bambina...and naming her Blake???

    Disgusting.

    Sure you think he is great. You are not at home listening to him snore, or cleaning up his mess or putting up with him indulging his own whims. You are not with him day in and day out...

    And he is filling a void. This is playing with fire.

    Get rid of the guy...or Mr. Boozy will likely get rid of you when he finds out you've got somebody in the ring.

    Counseling for you and pronto. This whole thing is a disaster and a disaster that is enlarging almost arithmetically.

    The reason I am here now is because I am contemplating divorce.  I met someone else who has turned my world upside down and made me wonder if there is something better out there?  this new guy brings me to the title of this post, could we be meant to be? 

    Excuse me...but you, a married woman, did WHAT with this guy? "hit it off"???

    You have no business talking to another guy "on that kind of a level." You are not single.

    Suppose you found your H was doing the same, but with some other woman? Bet you'd be really mad! Right??

    We hit it off instantly, are on the same page about so many things and he is so happy that I have my own hobbies. (he's incredibly supportive and driven - like me) 

    The weirdest part of meeting this new person is that we somehow got to the discussion of children's names and he said he loved the name "Blake" for a girl.  No big deal, except that is my favorite name as well and only like 2-3 people know that. 

    How old are you, anyway? I will bet this creep you married was your only boyfriend and you're perhaps 25 tops.

    Just a very weird thing to come up. We've also ended up saying the exact same things or coincidentally ended up in the same spots at the same time.  This is someone I could see myself growing with, challenging each other, and having fun. 

     Are you kidding???? really and truly...are you kidding?

    Either divorce your drunken H...

    And take about a 5 year hiatus from even thinking about dating, along with therapy intensively...

    Or you pick option 2 and you leave your H because he is a drunk, not because of this new wonderful guy.

    You are single or you are married. You are not married and pursuing some guy not your H.. There are no 2 ways about it.

    You could opt to stay with your H and work on your marriage but judging from the way he has treated you and considering the fact he's got a problem with booze and it's escalated into drunken fights, not an option.

    am I crazy?  I haven't talked to anyone in my personal life about this yet and it is eating me up inside. 

    I was close in guessing your age...eh?

    I'm not yet 30 and I have no children so while I think things would get messy, I also think that now's the time if I'm going to make any changes in my life.  I don't want to live my life wondering what could have been. 

    Wondering what might have been?

    Why didn't you think about this one before you got serious with this jerk you married?

    You are not single; you are not eligible "to pursue" another guy.

    You said you never seem to have fun anymore with your H? He sounds like the real life of any party anywhere. I cannot fathom your H being fun at all, at any time, before or after you married him.

    Get counseling.

    Stat.  As in for you.

    You made a poor choice plus this is now a codependency because he has a problem with booze. As I said: leave him, based on that.

    And end contact with this other guy. You have no place with him, or any other guy. And particularly not while you are still married.

    I would see an attorney tomorrow, get my financial ducks in a row and when that is done, file... and then tell this turkey to meet me in a restaurant (one that is BYOB and dry, like a Burger King or something like that) and tell him his ass is out and he is to hit the road.

    Tell him it is his drinking and you've had it, plus you are not his possession; he has zero right to talk to you like you are nobody.

    Get rid of him and do it asap.

  • In case we delete....

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dating for 4 before that with no children.  We have what I would consider a semi-happy marriage (not amazing, but not bad enough to leave) and while I am the type to want to continue growing and enriching and working on our marriage, my husband is more of the type that likes things just the way they are.  We have a hard time communicating and when I suggested counseling to work on our marriage together, he said no and that we should wait until it's worse (which makes no sense to me).  I like to be involved and busy (with a sense of purpose, per se) and my husband would love nothing more than for me to spend all my time at home with him (which is fine too, but that's not my personality and never has been).  I know he loves me, but he tends to be overly critical, a bit negative and we just don't seem to have fun together anymore.  I'm hesitant about attending weddings and social events with him because he doesn't want to talk to anyone (and spends 99% of his time on his phone - another pet peeve) and there have been more than 1 occasions where he has gotten drunk and gotten into really mean, pointless arguments with the me (the kind that make no sense and you end up staying up till 3am screaming at each other :/ ).

     

    The reason I am here now is because I am contemplating divorce.  I met someone else who has turned my world upside down and made me wonder if there is something better out there?  this new guy brings me to the title of this post, could we be meant to be?  We hit it off instantly, are on the same page about so many things and he is so happy that I have my own hobbies. (he's incredibly supportive and driven - like me)  The weirdest part of meeting this new person is that we somehow got to the discussion of children's names and he said he loved the name "Blake" for a girl.  No big deal, except that is my favorite name as well and only like 2-3 people know that.  Just a very weird thing to come up. We've also ended up saying the exact same things or coincidentally ended up in the same spots at the same time.  This is someone I could see myself growing with, challenging each other, and having fun. 

     

    am I crazy?  I haven't talked to anyone in my personal life about this yet and it is eating me up inside.  I'm not yet 30 and I have no children so while I think things would get messy, I also think that now's the time if I'm going to make any changes in my life.  I don't want to live my life wondering what could have been. 


  • edited October 2015

    thank you for your response, and I've certainly thought about that.  My husband has changed and I think that we have grown in different directions.  I want to be sure that I'm not just thinking this because of this new person, but more so because of the possibility that there is more out there (even if it isn't with this new guy).  thank you so much.

    Honey, you don't have "a new guy."

    You have a new guy if you are free and single! You are married so you do not qualify for "a new guy."

    You have a drunken husband who treats you like dirt and one you are not compatible with in any way, size shape or form. And I am positively gobsmacked that you permit him to scream at you until the wee hours while he's having his drunken period.

    You "have" a jerk at work who will pay you a little attention to get into your drawers.  And that you are married and he knows this makes him a piece of shit.  (and a big fat dime says he is married, also) A dime says he is married also. Shame on the both of you.

    Just what has this drunk you married "grown" into???

    "Growing" to me means somebody is developing positively as a person -- pursuing a new career, furthering an education, getting promotions, becoming more and more responsible, whether it is at home or at work or both.

    He hasn't grown into anything but the nearest booze bottle.

    And I guarantee you that he did not "change:" He has been like this for quite some time and before you were married he was the same as he is now. Only now you realize he doesn't look so good to you because some jerk who is a dime a dozen louse is paying you some attention.

    (and yes he is a dime a dozen louse: no decent man  acts intimately and inappropriately with a married woman....and by that token, you have cheated on your H.  This is what they call an emotional affair inasmuch as you are inappropriately involved with someone else and you've discussed things with him that belong between you and your husband) 

    What's your H doing, drunk at 3 am??? Please don't tell us he was out and came home drunk...gee, who was the designated driver? And if he got drunk at home, why are you allowing it?

    This whole thing is a disgusting mess.  Get yourself out of there and away from your H, asap -- give very serious thought to getting to a  divorce atty tomorrow --- many are on the web -- and hock something if you need money for a retainer. Get rid of him tomorrow and get rid of the jerk at work, too. You've got serious work to do on yourself.
  • I guess I'll be the lone wolf out there and make an argument for not just abandoning your marriage vows because things aren't perfect. 

    You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that you are VERY unhappy in your current relationship. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you to repair your relationship. If he says no, start going by yourself. Giving up on a marriage because your husband isn't very social and said something hurtful one time when he was drunk seems like giving up pretty easily. Why did you get married if you didn't want the commitment?

    A lot of people I have known think the new relationship on the horizon will be so much better and fulfilling. But when you get there, you may realize that it is actually just you who is unhappy and the change in scenery has little impact on that. Maybe you could change the focus from just the things that your husband does that bother you and instead consider what you could be doing to make your marriage better.

    Hard truth: Talking about how a boy likes the same baby name that you do makes you sound like a 13 year old with a crush who is finding signs that he is her soul mate. 
    Disneygeek77short+sassyj3ffsgirl
  • Ha ha. When my best friend and I were both 16, she had a huge crush on a boy from school. Oh my, so huge. One day she was driving down the highway and was " praying " about her crush and asked for a sign from God that they were meant to be. Within a few minutes she saw two cars that were similar to his ( you know on an interstate) and was convinced it was a sign. I remember when she told me this and I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Oh the things girls will dream up when they have a crush.
    TarponMonoxide
  • edited October 2015
    Ha ha. When my best friend and I were both 16, she had a huge crush on a boy from school. Oh my, so huge. One day she was driving down the highway and was " praying " about her crush and asked for a sign from God that they were meant to be. Within a few minutes she saw two cars that were similar to his ( you know on an interstate) and was convinced it was a sign. I remember when she told me this and I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Oh the things girls will dream up when they have a crush.

    Argh....:(

    To the poster who said "don't give up on a marriage that is not perfect..."

    Excuse me?

    Did my computer magically make up the copy that said...and let me go and cut and paste it from the OP's inquiry to us...


    I'm hesitant about attending weddings and social events with him because he doesn't want to talk to anyone (and spends 99% of his time on his phone - another pet peeve) and there have been more than 1 occasions where he has gotten drunk and gotten into really mean, pointless arguments with the me (the kind that make no sense and you end up staying up till 3am screaming at each other :/ ).

    Gee, he gets screaming shitfaced drunk...but hey, this is only a relationship that is...not perfect.

    To the poster -- @simplyelyse --- who actually made this dumb observation, wow --- this guy is out of control. This is somebody who has a problem with alcohol --- as I said, I do not know if he is an alcoholic, since I do not know how much he drinks and when and so forth -- but if this bullshit has happened too often for comfort, it's time to tell this bum to get lost.

    Would you put up with this if your H or SO or anybody you loved did this more than once and you got involved in the crossfire?

    I think not.

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    So, what bothers me are these two sentences: 

    We have what I would consider a semi-happy marriage (not amazing, but not bad enough to leave)

    The reason I am here now is because I am contemplating divorce.  I met someone else who has turned my world upside down and made me wonder if there is something better out there?

    Before you met this new guy, you felt your marriage wasn't "bad enough to leave".  But NOW that you met this guy, suddenly divorce is on the table.

    Hmmm....

    Now, before I go on.  I will say that when I read the first sentence above, my gut reaction was "Well, it doesn't have to be HORRIBLE in order for you to leave".  If you're not happy, you're not happy. Your marriage doesn't have to be totally in the shitter in order to justify ending it.".  Especially if your DH isn't willing to work on it. If he feels everything is fine and you don't agree... well, YOU alone can't make your marriage work.

    BUT.  Now you have the motivation to leave.  Because of a guy.  Yes, I do agree with you- there may be something better out there for you.

    BUT (again) - if it's only because of a GUY, that really makes me question you.  Can you be alone?  Can you be happy NOT being in a relationship?   This is what you need to figure out.  if you're going to leave only because you have a safety net in place, that's a poor reason.  If you leave, you need to be alone.  And not for a couple weeks.  For months, if not a solid year. 

    This new guy - he seems perfect now, but really- you don't know him.  You don't REALLY know him.  Don't leave your DH FOR this guy because you could just be jumping from one bad relationship to another.

    That's why you have to leave for YOU and YOU alone.  No other reason.  And you have to take time to really discover yourself. 
    TarponMonoxideshort+sassyj3ffsgirlneverblushed
  • edited October 2015
    The OP also sounds like this person that used to be in one of our groups.

    She had a crummy marriage; it rocked and rolled along for years until they finally divorced -- and even then, "Their relationship was always rocky" said a guy who knew "Jane" before I did.

    Jane would get a boyfriend and he'd be undependable, never around, leave her on a shelf, not the pick of the litter...

    And she would be positively devastated when he upped and broke up with her.

    Then she took up with this other creep. "He is not the greatest boyfriend but he is not the worst one I had, either..." Whaaa???

    Jane was attractive, had a great figure and if she put her mind to it, was intelligent.:( WHYY do these women want these jerky guys???

    OP: Leave your H because he drinks. THAT is your reason for leaving.

    And when you do: moratorium on men for a good 5 years --- I am not joking; give it that long...and get yourself therapy so that you can get it why you settled for peanuts and nothing much.

    Otherwise you will settle for peanuts again...and get rid of this "new guy."

    He is no good and has no character -- by the fact that you are married and he's got designs on you makes him no good and no character.  Would you want your daughter to be with this jerk? Or your son, if there was a woman/girl he knew, who was doing the same to him??? Would you want this for your best friend or your sibling?

    I do not think you would.
  • Ha ha. When my best friend and I were both 16, she had a huge crush on a boy from school. Oh my, so huge. One day she was driving down the highway and was " praying " about her crush and asked for a sign from God that they were meant to be. Within a few minutes she saw two cars that were similar to his ( you know on an interstate) and was convinced it was a sign. I remember when she told me this and I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Oh the things girls will dream up when they have a crush.

    Argh....:(

    To the poster who said "don't give up on a marriage that is not perfect..."

    Excuse me?

    Did my computer magically make up the copy that said...and let me go and cut and paste it from the OP's inquiry to us...


    I'm hesitant about attending weddings and social events with him because he doesn't want to talk to anyone (and spends 99% of his time on his phone - another pet peeve) and there have been more than 1 occasions where he has gotten drunk and gotten into really mean, pointless arguments with the me (the kind that make no sense and you end up staying up till 3am screaming at each other :/ ).

    Gee, he gets screaming shitfaced drunk...but hey, this is only a relationship that is...not perfect.

    To the poster -- @simplyelyse --- who actually made this dumb observation, wow --- this guy is out of control. This is somebody who has a problem with alcohol --- as I said, I do not know if he is an alcoholic, since I do not know how much he drinks and when and so forth -- but if this bullshit has happened too often for comfort, it's time to tell this bum to get lost.

    Would you put up with this if your H or SO or anybody you loved did this more than once and you got involved in the crossfire?

    I think not.

    TarponMonoxide I do not value your advice on this forum in the slightest, so cheers. Your advice to every person on this board is, "he's an addict, divorce him tomorrow". This is not an exaggeration. 

    OP says he's gotten drunk a couple times and started an argument where they both started screaming at each other. She did not mention if they were both drinking together, but because she didn't say he has a problem with drinking too much or that he was verbally abusive during the drunk fight, I am led to believe that this was not the situation you imagine. You leapt to the conclusion that he's abusive and an alcoholic: "Gee, he gets screaming shitfaced drunk...but hey, this is only a relationship that is...not perfect."

    OP doesn't seem to have had such a bad marriage until all of a sudden new guy is in the picture and she starts comparing her fantasy of a perfect future with her marriage that has some problems. 

    OP can do whatever she wants, but my advice is not to give up on a so-so marriage just because another guy is in the picture and because her husband spends too much time on his phone and isn't very social. She says she thinks they had different ideas about marriage. So get in counseling and see if you can reconcile those ideas and start loving each other better.
    j3ffsgirl
  • wow.

     

    some of you are really mean.

     

    I married my husband because, I believe, of a certain comfort level, history, familiarity and that things would change. things were good for awhile, but as we are getting older (i'm not a child fyi), I feel we are growing apart and that we have different expectations for what a marriage should be.

     

    I believe marriage does involve work and effort and I have suggested counseling.  My husband says no.  My husband is super critical to the point where I am often on eggshells unsure if I am going to do something the "right way".  I've asked him not to be so critical and he refuses to understand where I'm coming from.  it's to the point where I have actually asked him, "is there anything you even like about me?"

     

    In regards to the drinking situations, yes we are typically drinking together but these arguments are brought up over nothing and when I ask to drop them until the next day (cause it won't do any good to stay up until 3am arguing), he refuses.  When I tell him I don't like to be around him when he's drinking, he says there isn't any problem.

    Essentially, I am in a position where I am always wrong with him and I am the one forced to change in his direction.  I'm tired of being un-appreciated and scolded.  I am not planning on dating for awhile if we get divorced.  This new guy (yeah I know, I'm a horrible person) only internally re-assured the thoughts I had before but never thought to change or really do something about.

    Even if you think I'm a terrible person, you don't need to be hurtful.  I am not trying to hurt anyone but at the same time, am I supposed to live a life of regret wondering if there is someone out there who actually likes me?

    j3ffsgirl
  • No one thinks your a terrible person! But we only know as much as you tell us. Your OP said your marriage was semi-happy. Now you're saying that he is constantly critical and you feel like he doesn't even like you. Those are really different points of view. 

    My advice to seek counseling was not meant to say that you shouldn't pursue separation or divorce. Just meant to point out that perhaps your husband does not realize the full extent of your unhappiness and problems with the marriage. Saying, "I want to go to counseling" and getting a shake off is different than saying, "I am unhappy in this marriage and thinking about divorce, if you don't want to go to counseling with me then I am going to start going by myself to get clarity about whether this marriage can survive". 

    My snappiness was meant to be directed to tarpon, not you. If you've spent any amount of time on this board, you'll quickly realize all her advice is the same. No marriage is worth trying in her world.
    short+sassyj3ffsgirl
  • A couple other PPs have said this, but I also strongly advise at least a few sessions with a counselor.  If your H won't go with you, go by yourself.  It will hopefully give you perspective on what your next course of action should be.

    Everyone's dealbreakers and breaking points are different.  Unless your H wants to change, and it doesn't sound like he does, he isn't going to change.  Do you think you will be happier spending your life in the marriage the way it is now or happier leaving?  And any thoughts of anyone else or future anyone elses need to be left completely out of that decision.

    I had a good friend who was in a LTR and engaged.  They loved and adored each other and...90% of the time, their relationship was awesome.  But the other 10% of the time, it was awful and soul crushing.  He wasn't physically abusive during the fights and bad times, but he was emotionally abusive.  She also talked about feeling like she needed to walk on egg shells sometimes and, even worse, she already suffered from an anxiety disorder so his bad behavior was especially taxing on her.

    Many times, she consciously made the choice to stay because, for her, their love and good times was worth the bad times.  But she finally came to the realization that, as much as she loved him, she couldn't stay with him.  He wasn't good for her or her health, so she broke up with him.  I realize it is tons easier to leave a relationship than a marriage, but it is essentially the same type of decision.

  • Ha ha. When my best friend and I were both 16, she had a huge crush on a boy from school. Oh my, so huge. One day she was driving down the highway and was " praying " about her crush and asked for a sign from God that they were meant to be. Within a few minutes she saw two cars that were similar to his ( you know on an interstate) and was convinced it was a sign. I remember when she told me this and I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Oh the things girls will dream up when they have a crush.

    Argh....:(

    To the poster who said "don't give up on a marriage that is not perfect..."

    Excuse me?

    Did my computer magically make up the copy that said...and let me go and cut and paste it from the OP's inquiry to us...


    I'm hesitant about attending weddings and social events with him because he doesn't want to talk to anyone (and spends 99% of his time on his phone - another pet peeve) and there have been more than 1 occasions where he has gotten drunk and gotten into really mean, pointless arguments with the me (the kind that make no sense and you end up staying up till 3am screaming at each other :/ ).

    Gee, he gets screaming shitfaced drunk...but hey, this is only a relationship that is...not perfect.

    To the poster -- @simplyelyse --- who actually made this dumb observation, wow --- this guy is out of control. This is somebody who has a problem with alcohol --- as I said, I do not know if he is an alcoholic, since I do not know how much he drinks and when and so forth -- but if this bullshit has happened too often for comfort, it's time to tell this bum to get lost.

    Would you put up with this if your H or SO or anybody you loved did this more than once and you got involved in the crossfire?

    I think not.

    TarponMonoxide I do not value your advice on this forum in the slightest, so cheers. Your advice to every person on this board is, "he's an addict, divorce him tomorrow". This is not an exaggeration. 

    OP says he's gotten drunk a couple times and started an argument where they both started screaming at each other. She did not mention if they were both drinking together, but because she didn't say he has a problem with drinking too much or that he was verbally abusive during the drunk fight, I am led to believe that this was not the situation you imagine. You leapt to the conclusion that he's abusive and an alcoholic: "Gee, he gets screaming shitfaced drunk...but hey, this is only a relationship that is...not perfect."

    OP doesn't seem to have had such a bad marriage until all of a sudden new guy is in the picture and she starts comparing her fantasy of a perfect future with her marriage that has some problems. 

    OP can do whatever she wants, but my advice is not to give up on a so-so marriage just because another guy is in the picture and because her husband spends too much time on his phone and isn't very social. She says she thinks they had different ideas about marriage. So get in counseling and see if you can reconcile those ideas and start loving each other better.
    So yer reading comprehension is in the toilet, just like the Cubs' chances to sweep last week was: right into the john.

    At no time did I say he was an addict. I said he had a problem with alcohol. a PROBLEM. And it is  still a red flag. Would you put up with being screamed at by somebody drunk? Doubtful...you make the call -- and would you just shake it off if it was your H who did it to you?

    And I will indeed advise anybody who has a drunken spouse or SO to run like hell and let the person hit the road. Addiction is a dealbreaker. In case ya ain't heard.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    TarponMonoxide said:

    At no time did I say he was an addict. I said he had a problem with alcohol. a PROBLEM. And it is  still a red flag. Would you put up with being screamed at by somebody drunk? Doubtful...you make the call -- and would you just shake it off if it was your H who did it to you?

    And I will indeed advise anybody who has a drunken spouse or SO to run like hell and let the person hit the road. Addiction is a dealbreaker. In case ya ain't heard.
    So which is it Tarpon - is he an addict or not?  You did suggest she leave him!
    j3ffsgirl
  • Funny Tarpon is the bad guy in this thread not the women cheating on her husband.


  • edited October 2015

    Just so everyone knows, my husband offered to go to counseling even though he doesn't think it's necessary.  This only happened after we got into an argument (after me telling him to stop criticizing me because it is destroying our relationship), I left for a while and then slept in our guest bedroom when I got home.  I've asked him to be kinder to me before, many many times, and only now as I have 1 foot out the door is he willing to change.

    I went to therapy myself and discovered that this is truly abuse and neglect.  Verbal abuse in the criticisms and belittling and neglect in that I'm not allowed to be upset, or have certain feelings and that I should get "get a thicker skin."  I think my therapist is right and I will be talking to my husband about this soon.  Part of me wants to give him a chance, but part of me thinks that history will continue to repeat itself (as it has in the past) and I do not want to be a woman who puts up with this stuff.  I am filled with guilt for hurting him, but at the same time, did he not hurt me time and time again when I asked him to stop being so harsh and hurtful?

    short+sassysimplyelisej3ffsgirl
  • I'm glad you saw someone.
  • I'm glad he agreed to counseling.  Unfortunately, that is sometimes how it is.  Although it was a LTR and nothing nearly as serious as a marriage, I had an ex-b/f who was irrationally jealous.  Whenever I wanted to go out with my friends without him, it turned into a big fight.  He'd pull the ultimatum "if you do this, it means you don't care about me, and I'll break up with you".  I warned him many times (rationally and when we weren't in a fight) that he needed to get his jealousy under control, it was tearing us apart, and I was getting to my wits end.  He'd agree with me, promise to change, until the next incident.

    He pulled that ultimatum one too many times.  It always worked because I felt utter sadness and panic at the thought of him leaving.  Until one day I didn't.  I braced for the sadness to hit me, but instead I just had a sensation of freedom and relief.  I still remember calmly telling him, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  But I don't agree.  Spending the evening with a friend (female) who is going through a bad time is not a sign that I don't care about you.  But if you feel you need to break up with me over this, than that is your choice."  Boy did he back off that ultimatum like it was a poisonous snake!  Started backtracking like crazy.

    I broke up with him two weeks later over a different incident.  I told him I just couldn't take his jealousy anymore.  That I'd had enough.  He begged me to take him back and promised me it would be different.  I'll admit this was an odd choice, but I did take him back, even though I knew it wouldn't work.  Because I wanted HIM to see it wouldn't work.  Two weeks later, another incident.  I braced myself for yet another fight and for a split second he looked his usual furious.  But then his expression changed to realization and sadness.  And, instead of yelling, he told me I was right.  We'd keep having this same fight if we stayed together.  We broke up for good that night and very amicably.  In fact, we stayed in touch for a few years after that. 

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