Trouble in Paradise
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Help/advice needed. What should I do? Husband cheating?

So a few months ago I went to watch a movie on my husbands ipad and when I opened it I saw notifications of text messages from a girl he used to work with.  Wondering why he was texting this girl that he no longer works with, I - of course - opened it.  The texts were pretty flirty and I was really bothered by it.  Nothing super racy but definitely flirty and inappropriate.  I confronted him about it but didnt tell him I had seen any texts or anything.  I just mentioned that I had noticed he got texts from females that we are not both friends with and didnt feel comfortable with him having contact with someone like that unless it was strictly for work.  I would have gone into it more, but this girl lives very far away now so I knew there was no physical contact or flirting in person so I hoped he would stop knowing that I was uncomfortable with it.  

Well after I confronted him, I noticed that he erased his messages from his ipad and stopped having them sent to his ipad.  I snooped from time to time but could never see anything.  At the time I was pregnant and just had better things to stress about and honestly didnt want to think about it so I put it on a back burner.  

Now our baby is here.  Things have been busy and crazy, but this week I opened his ipad.  He put his messages back on his ipad.  So I open them to see if he's still texting her (I knew he was) and there were some texts there.  This time they definitely crossed a line.  At one point he said he wished he could see her boobs (they are snapchat friends) and also asked why she doesnt facetime him (she said she would start) and some other things indicating that they were on the verge (if not already) sending inappropriate pictures.  Now, this is cheating in my opinion.  Although she still lives far away and i know there is no physical contact, this is still way over the line. 

I am hurt and confused and just dont know what to do from here.  I just need people to tell me what they would do?  Should I confront him now?  Should I try to act normal and see where their conversations go (if he leaves his messages on his ipad - he assumes probably that I have no time to even think about looking at his ipad since we have a newborn)? I'm seriously considering divorce over this.  I mean, Id be willing to go to therapy but I really dont trust him.  I know they will have the opportunity to see each other in person in March of next year.  Thats forever away, but do I try to wait all the way until then to see if they make plans to meet up?  My personality is one where I just want to confront him and be like wtf, but I also have read a lot of things where people say to wait and gather as much info as possible.  The more I gather though, the more hurt I am.

I just dont know what to do from here.  We have a 4 year old and barely 2 month old.  I dont know how he could do this. 

Re: Help/advice needed. What should I do? Husband cheating?

  • This is what I would do.

    I would pack him a bag and get him reservations for a cheap hotel on priceline or hotwire.  I would tell him to meet you at a public place like a restaurant.  Then calmly tell him that you found his texts on his ipad and you now have some serious decisions to make. Then give him his bag and his reservation number.  Tell him that you need a week to be alone so you can think clearly and would appreciate it if he didn't contact you until then.  Walk away.

    Again, this is what I would do.  I have never been in the same situation so I have no idea what the legal ramifications could be.  Maybe someone else could give better advice as far as that is concerned.  
  • What a jerk. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of being a new mom. 

    There is no reason for an individual in a committed relationship to have snap chat. The whole thing is definitely cheating. And the fact that he continued even after you brought up that the texting makes you uncomfortable is especially troubling.

    I would take screen shots of everything and keep them stored somewhere on a thumb drive. I would also call the phone company and see if you can get records of texts or calls. It's already cheating, so I don't see the point of waiting for a confrontation to store up ammo. If you think you would want to see about therapy before separation or divorce, then you need to tell him asap what you know. Ask him to tell you the whole truth and the extent of this relationship. Ask him if he has had inappropriate relationships with anyone else. Ask him to leave the house afterwards. Then you need to find a close friend or family member who can be there for you for a couple days as you deal with all this.

    If you want to try repairing his damage, he needs to agree to delete all social media accounts, give you the passwords to anything he absolutely has to keep (email), give you full access to phones and electronic devices, and agree to attend counseling sessions. If you're religious, I would also require that he meet with your pastor and confess the situation. If things are going to be repaired, he needs to start from ground zero and earn back your trust inch by inch.

    Your story is extremely similar to my sister's. Her husband was in a graduate program that had him go several states away for 1 week of classes each semester. The rest of the program was online. Right after my sister had their baby, he went for the first time for the program and met a married woman there who he started texting back and forth with in a flirtateous manner. My sister saw some pictures from his trip on facebook and warned him that the relationship made her uncomfortable and he needed to watch himself. The next time he went for the program, she found texts after he came back that were completely inappropriate and over the line. She confronted him and told me about the whole thing. If she hadn't had a 9 month old baby, she would have divorced him immediately. But instead she did counseling and she thought they were on the path to healing. He had the opportunity to come clean in counseling about anything that she didn't know and he claimed she knew everything. Then she found pictures on his computer clearly showing that the relationship had gotten physical. They separated and he constantly berated her for pulling apart their family. Now they're divorced and he continues to play the victim card.

    There is of course a chance that your husband has gotten wrapped up in a fantasy life and can still come back from the edge, realize he has broken the vows of your marriage, and work his ass off to earn back your trust and repair your marriage. I've known several marriages that did come back from emotional or physical affairs. But the key is absolute honesty and humility from the cheater. Most of the time, unfortunately, the cheater is like my sister's ex. These people are selfish and create a convoluted story where they are the victims. They will never accept responsibility. And there is always more to the affair than they will admit to. 

    So be careful. I'm not against trying for reconciliation, but keep an eye out to see if he is being humble or just saying lines. 
  • Take pictures of all the evidence.
    Your husband has crossed the line again. You warned him he didnt care, and he did it again.

    Now you have to decide if you want to be married to a man you cant trust.

    Only you know if you can go to therapy and learn to trust him again, if you think it is worth a try go for it, but please dont expect much.


  • edited October 2015
    This is what I would do.

    I would pack him a bag and get him reservations for a cheap hotel on priceline or hotwire.  I would tell him to meet you at a public place like a restaurant.  Then calmly tell him that you found his texts on his ipad and you now have some serious decisions to make. Then give him his bag and his reservation number.  Tell him that you need a week to be alone so you can think clearly and would appreciate it if he didn't contact you until then.  Walk away.

    Again, this is what I would do.  I have never been in the same situation so I have no idea what the legal ramifications could be.  Maybe someone else could give better advice as far as that is concerned.  
    This is a good idea. A great one, in fact.

    Here is the thing: he has already cheated. Albeit these were inappropriate messages and not full on sex -- what happily married man tells a woman he wishes he could see her boobs??

    Sorry but this is not a happily married man.

    You're going to have to decide where to go from here. What makes this all the worse is that there now is a child in the picture.

    If he stays with you I guarantee you that your child will pick up on the fact that there is a rift between you and your H. Not good at all.

    You could sit down with him and tell him what you have found but he'll probably go "oh it is only a friend I wouldn't think of cheating I love you and blah blah etcetera."

    I think the internet ruined it all for *everyone*. How many of these posts have we seen --- a wife finds inappropriate emails or finds out her HI/FI exchanged intimate photos with each other --- and who would have done this face to face "in real life in real time" long before the internet?  it's like the internet is an invisible wall and it's an invitation to do anything you wish.

    Please figure out where to go from here.

    You can stay with him and have him work on marriage with you (counselor and so forth) or you could ignore it (not feasible and not suggested) or you can file for divorce and then tell him the road is his and show him the door.  This is going to have to be up to you.

    Make sure you and your child are safe and provided for. 

    Who knows why anybody cheats?? There are a thousand theories out there and who knows if any of them are right??

    Don't let anybody play you or take advantage of you and always trust your gut.  It never fails.

    (and even if he said goodbye to this girl right now what is bothersome here: the worm already is in the apple --- he will find somebody else to inappropriately contact or perhaps he will even have a full on affair.  This guy has already emotionally checked out of the marriage)

    Wishing you luck.
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