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Why does this bother me so much

I found out my husband sold cocaine for a very short time before I knew him. Like many years before. He was 22. We are 38 now. But his gf at the time did Coke and his best friend did too. He even went with his gf at the time to get it for her from his friend. I just have a hard time believing he didn't do it too. And I asked him why would u let your gf do Coke. He said he was only 22 and she wasn't doing it all the time. I just question his morals after this. I said playing devils advocate "ok what if I want to do it once and he said no cause u wouldn't ever and laughed. I kinda felt bad

Re: Why does this bother me so much

  • runner76 said:
    I found out my husband sold cocaine for a very short time before I knew him. Like many years before. He was 22. We are 38 now. But his gf at the time did Coke and his best friend did too. He even went with his gf at the time to get it for her from his friend. I just have a hard time believing he didn't do it too. And I asked him why would u let your gf do Coke. He said he was only 22 and she wasn't doing it all the time. I just question his morals after this. I said playing devils advocate "ok what if I want to do it once and he said no cause u wouldn't ever and laughed. I kinda felt bad

    I would have a tough time coping with the fact he was involved with drugs...and I probably would say goodbye, based on that, even if this was just a "once in awhile" thing with coke.

    You will have to decide if you want to be with a guy who was involved with drugs.

  • Well he said he never did it. Although I don't see how he didn't if he was surrounded by people who did and was actually dealing it for a short time. It's bothersome and makes me question his morals. To let his gf do this ? Idk maybe I'm being crazy but it bothers me
  • His gf was an adult and therefore he did not let her do anything. But as someone who has spent the majority of her adult life working in and around substance abuse, I have only known two kinda dealers, hard core and those who did it in order to pay for their own drugs.

  • runner76 said:
    Well he said he never did it. Although I don't see how he didn't if he was surrounded by people who did and was actually dealing it for a short time. It's bothersome and makes me question his morals. To let his gf do this ? Idk maybe I'm being crazy but it bothers me
    To me, 16 years is a long time to change. One of my closest friends was a party girl who did coke in her twenties. Now she's a research scientist with a PhD who likes to spend her weekends at home watching videos cuddled up with her dog. I can't hold it against her that she was a bit wild in her youth, because I know that she's not at all like that now. She never sold (as far as I know), but if she did and she told me, I'd let bygones be bygones.

    The bigger problem to me is that you don't trust him when he says he didn't use. If he's lying, it's a bad sign that he feels the need to keep things from you. If he's telling you the truth, it's a bad sign that you don't trust him.
    image
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    I would stop and really think about why this bothers you.

    Are you worried that he'll start using or selling again? Are you upset that he didn't confess this earlier? Are you worried that someone will find out and judge him or you for it? Are you disappointed that he didn't tell you sooner, and you're worried there's more that he's keeping from you? Are you worried that he won't be able to take a stand if your children get involved with drugs?

    If you can figure out the reason you're upset, you'll have a much better chance of addressing the situation successfully.
    image
    short+sassy
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You need to let go of the "he let his GF" do coke.  It wasn't his place to let or not let her make choices for herself.  

    Past that - I don't know what to say.  I personally wouldn't be holding stupid mistakes someone made SIXTEEN years ago when they were in their early 20s over their head. 
    groovylocks
  • As ridiculous as this post is, I am going to have to agree with @GilliC . And TarponMonoxide once again sounds dramatic as you do. LMAO! Seriously, her answer to everything is "leave him!". No. It's almost her response to every post. Divorce in not always the answer. The only reason you can even be slightly mad is if he lied. a YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT. Most likely he did use it. Big Freakin' deal. I get that lying is a big deal but even if he did lie, it's probably either to shield and protect you (although I don't see how) or you are so uptight and lame, you would hmmmm hold it against him and make him feel like a peice of shit because of it? Dude come on now. SIXTEEN YEARS ago. And you're seriously going to start drama over something he did at such a young age?

    Please, sounds like you really need to grow up. Just reading your ridiculous post made me cringe. You are kind of the jerk in this situation tbh by throwing something your HUSBAND did in the PAST (that had absolutely nothing to do with you btw) in his face & possibly make him feel like shit about it. Now THAT is not cool. Ugh wasted too much time on this response. GL
    simplyeliseRedAppleJellyBeangroovylocks
  • I really get upset with the "He Let His Ex-Girlfriend do Cocaine", nobody lets anyone do anything.  She wanted to do it, maybe he advised her not to but if she made the decision to do it then it's her decision.  Also, just because you're around people that are doing drugs it doesn't mean you are doing them as well.  When I was in high school some of my friends were doing drugs and yes, they would do so in front of me and would buy in front of me and I never did any, I never even smoked a cigarette.

    I think you have to stop being so judgmental and forget about this that happened 16 yrs ago and you weren't even in his life.

  • I come from a family of substance abusers. I know how scary it is to find out somebody did drugs. 

    If he did it 16 years ago and he changed, let it go. We all have skeletons in our closet. 

    You do have the right to determine what you will allow and what you wont. If he starts doing drugs again, you have the right to tell him its me or the drugs. 
  • edited October 2015
               What clairebear8675309 said.
  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited November 2015
    You don't "let" somebody do coke. They make their own choice. So oh my god! don't ask that again.

    Also doing drugs is not a moral issue. I've tried everything in the calendar at least once except the really scary ones like meth or krokodil and I am a very good person with an excellent education and a solid IQ. I am married, own my own home, two very nice vehicles, am expecting my first child and make almost six figures. I do not do any drugs now other than alcohol (and not even that while i'm pregnant - and yes. Alcohol is a drug so if you've had a glass of wine, get off the cross.) 

    I don't like to brag about how well things are going in my life and that's not my purpose here. I just feel a bit ruffled when people start discussing somebody who used drugs before as if they're dirt under their feet. Many highly successful people have used drugs, sister. Many people who have experimented with drugs have ALSO worked very hard to achieve their goals and aspirations in life. the two things are not mutually exclusive.

    You are seriously overreacting. And asking him "Well maybe i should do it, then what would you do?" is the HEIGHT of passive-aggressive and borderline abusive. 

    It's HIS past. You have no jurisdiction over it.
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