Family Matters
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Living with ILs

So, I've been living with my in-laws for a year and a half now. I love them. They are great people. They tell me to make myself at home there and I can do whatever I want. But I just can't get that comfortable. Some days I feel like I'm in prison. I try to explain it to my fiance but all he hears is me being ungrateful for them taking me in and feeding me everyday. How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from?

Re: Living with ILs

  • Why are you living with your fiances parents?
  • Why are you living with your fiances parents?
    My question exactly.

    If this is about "oh we have to save some money until we are ready for marriage or so that we can pay for our wedding...."

    Forget it.

    Don't get married until you are self-sufficient. If you cannot afford to live on your own with just the 2 of you, forget it. That doesn't bode well for your marriage.

    It is also never a good idea to live with anyone. The 2 of you need your own place, even if it is a one room studio apartment. As long as you are under somebody else's roof, it's going to be their rules...and you follow them., A prison, as you said.
    dutchgirl76beachrunner5
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Why are you living with them?  What's the end game? As in , how long was this supposed to be for/ how much longer?

    And other than telling your FI that you feel like a prisoner, what else is it that you're trying to say? Do you want to move out?  Does he? 

    Basically- what's the bigger picture here?
    TarponMonoxide
  • Sorry.  I'm a little "old school."  There's no way I would let some girl move into my house to live with my son unless they were already married.  If you've found people willing to foot the bill for your food and housing and NOT care that you guys are shacking up ... well, you should either count your blessings or they should get a backbone and say no to this entire situation, taking your entire problem of personal discomfort right out of the picture.
    englishtrish1TarponMonoxide
  • So, I've been living with my in-laws for a year and a half now. I love them. They are great people. They tell me to make myself at home there and I can do whatever I want. But I just can't get that comfortable. Some days I feel like I'm in prison. I try to explain it to my fiance but all he hears is me being ungrateful for them taking me in and feeding me everyday. How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from?

    I'm not sure I understand what you mean?  Are you trying to convince him to move out?  Because, unless there is a really extenuating circumstance, that is what you all should be working towards and STAT!  Generally speaking...unless they are going to school/college...grown adults should not be living with parents for an extended period of time.  If your FI doesn't agree with that, I would find it alarming.  Let him know it is very important to you that you all have your own place that you can put your own mark on.

    If you have no plans to leave his parents house any time soon, than he is kind of right.  Yes, it feels like a prison...because it isn't your own place with your own rules.  But it is a prison you have made for yourself by agreeing to live with them.  If there is some reason you all need to stay there, what do you all do for them?  Do you help clean?  Help cook?  Pay them for rent/bills?  If you don't do all three of those things, you might feel more in control of your life and less like a prisoner if the two of you start pulling your own weight.

    englishtrish1
  • OP, Unless there is some extreme circumstance that would warrant you guys to be living with your FI's parents, for the love of god, get your own place. If you are grown up enough to be engaged/married, then you need to start acting like grown ups and get your own place. Judging by his attitude, it seems like your FI isn't in much of a hurry to move out, which is not good. You do realize that you are not obligated to go through with the wedding if he continues to act like this right? Turning it all around on you as the 'ungrateful one' is just a way to manipulate you. Do not fall for this. Get your own place, with or without him.

    My H's cousin is like this. He is in his 30's and still lives in his mother's house. The last 3 girlfriends he's had have all moved into her house with him. The most recent one, I became close to - sweet girl, but she started complaining to me about their living arrangement and I told her straight up that they should get their own place because that is what grown ups do. Obviously she got it, but when she pressed him about leaving, he flat out refused. There was a bunch of other stuff too, but that was a big sticking point. I told her that the advice that I was giving her, I would give to any friend going through the same situation. Needless to say they are no longer together which is a shame because I liked her. But really, she is better off, imo. He showed her loud and clear this is who he is and that he was not going to change, so better to figure it out now before getting married or having an ooops baby in that mess. 

    GL
    TarponMonoxide
  • edited October 2015
    OP, Unless there is some extreme circumstance that would warrant you guys to be living with your FI's parents, for the love of god, get your own place. If you are grown up enough to be engaged/married, then you need to start acting like grown ups and get your own place. Judging by his attitude, it seems like your FI isn't in much of a hurry to move out, which is not good. You do realize that you are not obligated to go through with the wedding if he continues to act like this right? Turning it all around on you as the 'ungrateful one' is just a way to manipulate you. Do not fall for this. Get your own place, with or without him.

    My H's cousin is like this. He is in his 30's and still lives in his mother's house. The last 3 girlfriends he's had have all moved into her house with him. The most recent one, I became close to - sweet girl, but she started complaining to me about their living arrangement and I told her straight up that they should get their own place because that is what grown ups do. Obviously she got it, but when she pressed him about leaving, he flat out refused. There was a bunch of other stuff too, but that was a big sticking point. I told her that the advice that I was giving her, I would give to any friend going through the same situation. Needless to say they are no longer together which is a shame because I liked her. But really, she is better off, imo. He showed her loud and clear this is who he is and that he was not going to change, so better to figure it out now before getting married or having an ooops baby in that mess. 

    GL
    I knew of a couple who never lived on their own.

    Dick met Jane when he was in the service. He was also freshly divorced and had a 3 year old child.

    They got engaged and moved up North.... to live with his cousin and the cousin's wife...and the cousin's two kids. The kids were 8 and newly born. So this was 6 people in a small 2 bedroom flat.

    Dick also had no job. (I have no idea what he did when it came time for child support)  The premise was that they were going to live with the cousins until they were married the following year -- and when they got married, they moved in with Dick's stepfather..

    They moved out of the stepfather's house about a year later and then moved to the next state and in with Dick's mother and her husband. It never ended. (Later on, Dick's mother and husband very kindly hosted their other son and his wife --- this is Dick's brother so you can see that this entire family structure is kerfluey)

    Dick and his wife both had jobs by the time they were married so I can't understand how they were not living on their own by then. Surely you can afford a studio apartment or the cheapest of basement one-bedroom flats! They still lived with some body???

    I am trying to figure out what man with any common sense and plans for the future -- and respect for his future wife -- gets engaged despite the fact he doesn't have a job to support himself, let alone support a wife.

    And I'd like to know what woman agrees to marry a guy who 1-is not employed and 2-cannot provide for her and 3-wants to get engaged  and move in with 2 of his cousins ... and has his FI move in with the bunch of them. Go figure.
    R.Wilsonny
  • ^ oh that is ridiculous. I don't get it either. 

    There has only been one instance where I 'lived' with someone's parents and that was when H & I first moved back from Spain. We stayed with his parents until our apartment that we were subletting became available again. I think we were there for like 2 months and as nice as it was for them to let us stay, it was the longest 2 months of my life. We weren't even back for a week and they were up my ass about getting a job every. single. day. Like the job fairy was going to fall out of the sky with a job for me even though the economy was complete sh!t. And it wasn't like I was sitting on my ass all day not looking for anything either. So yea, I could never imagine living with someone's parents long term. In some instances if it is temporary, maybe. 

    Funny enough, H's cousin also has a sister. And the sister's boyfriend has also moved into the house. Obviously none of my business, but I'd really like to know how their mother allows this. I sure as hell wouldn't allow it. I actually think she is part of the problem - she's kind of needy and doesn't seem to want to be alone (her husband passed away like 15 years ago I think). But that's a whole other topic of discussion. 
    TarponMonoxide
  • I never got this, either --- I know of somebody whose daughter did it.

    Daughter broke up with one guy that she was living with for nearly 3 years, she met another guy -- and within 2 or 3 months she moved in with him...and his parents.

    "They even have their own room," her mother reported to me. Gee, you act like this is the greatest thing in the world, your 24 year old daughter moving in with some guy's PARENTS. She didn't move in with the boyfriend, if you ask me.
  • edited October 2015
    So, I've been living with my in-laws for a year and a half now. I love them. They are great people. They tell me to make myself at home there and I can do whatever I want. But I just can't get that comfortable. Some days I feel like I'm in prison. I try to explain it to my fiance but all he hears is me being ungrateful for them taking me in and feeding me everyday. How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from?
    This is only your FI?

    Then you have your work cut out for you.

    You pack up and you announce, "I am moving out. I no longer want this living arrangement" and you leave! (You will, of course, find your own digs first, even if it is a furnished room or the least expensive of studio apartments!)

    Indeed do it: it will be highly interesting to see what his reaction to you leaving for your own place is!

    If you said to him tomorrow, "Let's get our own place" he will do it no questions asked and he would ensure that you and he found your own place, together! This is how it should work...but I get the idea that he isn't going to ever find a place for the 2 of you alone. That's a great big red flag.

    I would like to know:

    1-WHY you are living with his parents
    22-How did you manage to get trapped into moving in with them? Did they twist your arm or something?
    2b-That would make it April of 2013 that you moved in with him and his parents -- where the heck is your own place, with HIM??? By now you should have had it -- or better yet, you never should have moved in with his parents at all.
    3-Why do you and your FI have such poor communication with each other  and such poor finances...and a poor concept of what a healthy relationship dynamic is? You don't live with a parent or parents or somebody else; don't move in with anyone.....Somebody had to make a decision that you and he were going to live there and I want to know who it was. If he decided...and you had no say? Let him go shit in his hat. What else will he decide FOR YOU???  Do you want that kind of life?
    4-Why did you think this was such a good idea, to live with his parents?
    5-Why are you with a guy you cannot communicate with and why are you with a guy who cannot support you and himself, right here and right now??? (there are plans to move into your own place very soon...are there not???)
    6-Why is he siding with his parents??? More or less he is, when he gives you the speech about how you should be oh so grateful they "took you in." Huh? Wht's up with that???
    7-A year and a half has gone by. Why is there no date set???
    8-Why are you with a guy who you cannot talk to??? If you cannot talk to him about how unhappy you are about these shitty living arrangements -- and they are shitty by fact of the matter you are not happy with them -- what can you talk to him about??
    9-Why isn't he picking up on the fact you do not like it there...and moreover, why isn't he finding another place for you to live, for just you 2 -- for you two and you two alone?
    10-These are your FI's parents you are living with. You are not living with "in laws." You are not married yet. Why are you calling them your in laws??
    11-What kind of parents give the happy go-ahead for their son to bring his FI to live there with them? Don't you think this is weird, in itself???
    12-You have to be grateful to his parents for taking you in and feeding you? Isn't he contributing to room and board and paying for the food you and he consume? What's going on here???
    13-If he used those words exactly, wow--- who does he think he is talking to? He is acting like you are a mouth to feed that they reluctantly gave into!  I would not be happy with the way he worded that statement, if he indeed said it the way you quoted it. Again...this is no prize you've got there.

    Where's your future with this guy?

    Right now -- what can he bring to your table? What are his savings, what does he own outright, what is his debt, his assets, what has he got put away for retirement (he does have a 401K or something like that, from work, no?) Suppose a kiddo entered the picture: can he provide for you and a child-- and himself--- right now, with no problems?  Is he insured and has he got you on his health insurance plan...or at the very least, is he financially reimbursing you for the amount you pay per month???

    Clue us in....give us some answers to these questions.

    He doesn't sound like much of a prize.
  • Not good!  I was married for 17 years.  My MIL moved in with us, and a year later, we were divorced.  AFTER 17 YEARS!  yes, ILs have that much power.  Never ever again.
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