Family Matters
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  • I'm assuming this is not new behavior, and I'm also making the huge assumption that you are the youngest child. You and your DH are the only one who can stop this, just say no, don't explain, don't tell her what other plans you have, don't engage in her rage, this is of course easier said than done, but it's the only way to rein her in.
  • I don't know that anyone would call this a blessing, to be quite honest.  even w/ the most wonderful of parents.

    she gets really angry and tells me off and won't speak to me for a few days.

    This?  You have to realize that you aren't responsible for her feelings. She's putting unrealistic expectations on you.  Really, she is.  If she gets mad, that is 100% on HER.  not you.  HER. 

    You have to learn to let her get angry. You have to learn to set boundaries.  Saying "no" is a boundary.  Taking her out every other week is a boundary (vs going to her house nightly). 

    And my advice?  Stop telling her WHY you can't come over.  Just say "Sorry, we can't come over tonight".  She asks why?  Just say "we're busy/ tonight's not a good night.".  PERIOD.  Don't qualify it, don't explain it, don't defend it.  I wouldn't even say "we'll do it another time".  Just say "Can't come over" and leave it at that.  Yes, she'll get mad - but LET HER.  Just rinse and repeat.  Even if you're just sitting at home in your underwear watching TV, you "can't come over". 

    She pulls out the guilt?  "I already made food for you". You just say "I appreciate that.  However, we can't come over". 

    I'll also ask- if your mom doesn't like your SIL, why are you telling her about plans you have with your SIL?  You had to know how that would go over.  Your mom isn't rational.   don't give her more info than she needs!

  • I'm actually the oldest and my sister is the youngest, we have two brothers in between.  She tries to control my sister but my sister doesn't let her and she knows I'm the more sensitive one and will end up caving in so she usually ends up controlling me.  My husband doesn't help at all because when I say no to my mom he says let's go because if not she's going to get mad and he ends up going even if I don't go and then that causes a whole other argument with her saying that my husband cares more about them than I do.
  • I'm sorry, but you don't sound sensitive, you sound like a doormat. I would never let my mother or my husband talk to me like that. For heavens sake let your mother get angry, it s not like the world will explode if your get angry with you. And if your husband goes over there anyways? Well show him very clearly it's better to have a piss ed off mil than a piss ed off wife.
  • What's the worst that will happen if she gets angry with you? Will she kill you?

    If my DH went over to prevent her from being angry with him/us that would piss me off. I would be livid that when I tried to set a boundary he did not support me
  • Your DH goes over w/o you?  JFC.  I don't know what to tell you. 
  • No she won't kill me but then she'll stop speaking to me and say she doesn't want me in her life.  Then my brothers and my sister will follow in her direction.
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2015
    But do you understand how unfair and ridiculous this is. She wants nothing to do with you because you took someone she doesn't care for to her favorite restaurant ? That isn't anywhere close to normal and healthy and I doubt she ever will be. Somewhere along the way she learned how to control, manipulate and abuse you and your siblings. This works for her and gets her what she wants so there is no reason for her to change. She is a bully and the only way to stop a bully is to stand up for yourself even if that means you stand alone. You be the strong and independent woman you know you can be and let your siblings and fool of a husband be her little toadies.
  • edited September 2015
    You are not obligated to entertain her nightly.

    It is very simple: stop catering to her. Simply tell her you are not available to be there night after night.

    Your mother needs to get some outside interests! I am guessing she is either divorced or a widow; there is plenty for her to do that does not entail you and your H being her entertainment committee.

    Do not enable here and do not  be her codependent. She can volunteer, take night school classes, further her education, join a special interest group and otherwise find something to do whgere she will be out of the house and keep herself busy.
  • If she cut me out and stopped speaking to me I would see it as a win win situation. There are only two paths too take. One you just suck it up and continue as you are and two you grow a backbone and set some boundaries, then deal with her reaction.
  • Thank you ladies, I have been thinking of doing just that.  Standing up to her and letting her know that I do love her but that I need my space, I need my own time for myself, for my friends and for whatever. I love to read and I haven't even had the time to do so.

    Thank you very much for the advice.

  • If it is convenient for you all, would it be possible to set up a standing dinner night(s) with her?  I'm sure there would still be push back, but maybe if she had some security that "Wednesdays" were her regular nights with you all.  She would back off some.

    But, yeah, I work a full-time and two part-time jobs.  I am a happy camper when I can just go home from my f/t job and relax for the night.  I would never go to anyone's house...even my own mother's...for a few hours most days.  My time in my own home is too precious.

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