I am a newlywed, married for 4 months now to a wonderful man. We dated for about two years before we got married, and things have always been great between us. He is super understanding of everything and we are very in "sync" with our quirks and personalities.
He knows that I've struggled with a fear of abandonment for most of my life. In fact, it caused me a great deal of anxiety early on in our dating relationship. When I finally told him that this is what I've struggled with, he was SUPER understanding and reassuring.
I've come a LONG way in dealing with this fear of abandonment, but it has not gone away completely. Most recently, it reared its ugly head when we started discussing how we are going to handle our money. We've both hung on to our individual checking accounts from before we were married, and then just opened a joint account for household bills. But I am getting ready to go down to a part-time job, so I will making significantly less money. I will have enough to pay my credit card bills, and car payment and that's it. No spending money at all.
My husband's solution to this problem was that he would just transferring a certain amount of money from his checking account into the joint account that I can use for spending money. I suggested just doing one joint account and getting rid of our individual accounts and he said he would like to keep his own checking account. He said that this is how his parents have always handled their finances. I don't think he's doing anything shady; I think he's just trying to do what his parents did because that's what he's familiar with. But I don't feel like it works for our situation.
Here's the psychological aspect of this... The way he's choosing to handle this is sort of triggering my fear of abandonment. The fact that he doesn't want to just go ahead and totally combine incomes is making me feel like we're not a TRUE family, and I feel "beholden" to him. He says he doesn't want me to feel that way, but I don't think he totally gets it. Getting an allowance from him each month is different than just having everything be all together and non-distinct.
Let me emphasize, I do not think he's doing any of this to be selfish or hurtful. And I haven't really told him how all this makes me feel. I've tried, but I don't really go the distance with it because I don't want him to feel bad (even though I feel bad). Also, it is super emotional for me for some reason and I start crying whenever I try to talk to him about it. I'm annoyed with myself that I can't calmly explain my thoughts to him.
Any advice on how to broach this very delicate topic with him?