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My Father is cheating on my MS suffering mother.


My Dad, after recently wrecking the family car after a night of drinking, admitted while he was inebriated that he had been spending every night of the previous month with a woman who is not my mother. Until then, my sister and I thought that he had a drinking problem- as he used to have a high dependency on drink, when questioned about his evenings out and if he had a drinking problem- he became offended and admitted that he was spending time with someone who isn't my mother and leaving my sixteen year old sister alone with her in the house while he went to this woman's house. 

My mother has had multiple sclerosis for over sixteen years and subsequently cannot walk unaided, or be left unattended for a long period of time. Because of this, my father is her official carer, but he has permission to work for some periods of time when he can. With this situation in mind, every summer when I had to come home from college, my sister and I would care for our sick mother while he went to work. Because of this, having finished college and living in an extremely rural area, I agreed to take care of my mother while writing part time.

This summer however, everything changed. My father loves to boast that he is both a father and a mother to my sister and I- in reality he is barely even a father. He would frequently duck out of family situations in the past, and has a history of cheating on my mother. When I was eight or so, he had revealed that he had been having an affair while working away, my mother having recently been diagnosed with MS begrudgingly agreed to take back my guilty father- though I'm pretty sure she told him that she wouldn't put up with it again. When I was fifteen, I found out that he had been having an affair with my mother's friend, one of the only people my mother depended on as we has moved to a new area- back to my father's home place. I kept his secret then as my mother's health had depleted significantly as well as her mental health and she had no family that would support her, or look after my sister and I.

Again, my sister and I had suspicions about what he was up to, but when he admitted that he had shirking his responsibilities to go and spend time with this woman, our relationship is irrevocably broken. My sister and I would take care of our mother all day, preparing meals and leaving one aside for him, when he would come home from work, he would shower, change and go out straight away- a pattern he followed every single night I was home, and my sister revealed he had been doing it for two months before. He would claim he had to go to 'meetings' or meet customers, and even went as far as to forgo my sisters graduation ceremony from junior school to go and spend time with this woman. 

My stomach feels sick talking about this, but he completely abandoned his family and left his responsibilities to his 22 and 16 year old daughters who after taking care of our mother for so long have no other work experience. My mother doesn't know as she is so ill that it would only break her heart and debilitate her further. 

He's so unapologetic about it, less than two weeks after he admitted what he had been doing he came home from work, ate the meal I had cooked and left, saying that he 'was going out for a while' this was at 8pm, finally coming home at 2AM following an angry phone call from me. He claims to be remorseful- yet he continues to do it regardless of how it affects his daughters and their own mental capacity. I'm pretty sure the woman is from his Caring for Carers group which he frequently goes away with on 'breaks', though he doesn't do any of the actual caring. 

Mentally, I'm not sure I can take it any more. I have only recently come around from a horrible bout of depression following a serious sexual assault from a male friend of mine and can only depend on my long suffering boyfriend. My sister, having seen all of this before and having kept it secret, is so cold and calm about the whole situation it's worrying, I'm terrified that the stuff she has experienced while I was away at college has seriously effected her on a deep level. I'm currently staying at my boyfriend's mother's house while she is away and while my boyfriend works a 12 hour shift, but I can't stay here forever and I'm dreading having to go home- even to get my stuff. I have no money, jobs won't hire me because of lack of working experience and I shared a car with my father. 

If anyone knows what I should do- please tell me because I'm completely lost. 

Re: My Father is cheating on my MS suffering mother.

  • confused93 said:

    Before I begin commenting on your post, 3 things:

    1: Ordinarily I would tell you to cut your father off and eliminate him from your life because he is a drunk --- but this is a special case. Sorry for your troubles.
     
    2-Do not enable him. Do not give him any money.

    3- Get yourself to AlAnon. They will teach you how to cope with a drunk relative or loved one.


    That said... 

    My Dad, after recently wrecking the family car after a night of drinking, admitted while he was inebriated that he had been spending every night of the previous month with a woman who is not my mother. Until then, my sister and I thought that he had a drinking problem- as he used to have a high dependency on drink, when questioned about his evenings out and if he had a drinking problem- he became offended and admitted that he was spending time with someone who isn't my mother and leaving my sixteen year old sister alone with her in the house while he went to this woman's house. 


    You need to find somebody else to care for your mother full time. If he is drinking a lot, how is he going to adequately provide for your mom???

    See a social worker --- your town and hers should have one -- and explain what is happening to them. This is a terrible situation. 

    See your mother's doctor -- I guess it is a neurologist -- and explain what is happening --- there has to be resources so that your mother can get full time care at low cost or no cost at all

    Try also the Social Security Administration office nearest to you -- or whatever the equivalent is in your country.

     Explain what is happening to them. Tell them you need resources to have yoru mom cared for, being your father is incapacitated and cannot do so.

    I am guessing she gets benefits or some type of assistance financially -- we have that in the United States for those who have chronic conditions. if not, she should be eligible for them. 

    My mother has had multiple sclerosis for over sixteen years and subsequently cannot walk unaided, or be left unattended for a long period of time. Because of this, my father is her official carer, but he has permission to work for some periods of time when he can. With this situation in mind, every summer when I had to come home from college, my sister and I would care for our sick mother while he went to work. Because of this, having finished college and living in an extremely rural area, I agreed to take care of my mother while writing part time.

    This summer however, everything changed. My father loves to boast that he is both a father and a mother to my sister and I- in reality he is barely even a father. He would frequently duck out of family situations in the past, and has a history of cheating on my mother. When I was eight or so, he had revealed that he had been having an affair while working away, my mother having recently been diagnosed with MS begrudgingly agreed to take back my guilty father- though I'm pretty sure she told him that she wouldn't put up with it again. When I was fifteen, I found out that he had been having an affair with my mother's friend, one of the only people my mother depended on as we has moved to a new area- back to my father's home place. I kept his secret then as my mother's health had depleted significantly as well as her mental health and she had no family that would support her, or look after my sister and I.

    Again, my sister and I had suspicions about what he was up to, but when he admitted that he had shirking his responsibilities to go and spend time with this woman, our relationship is irrevocably broken. My sister and I would take care of our mother all day, preparing meals and leaving one aside for him, when he would come home from work, he would shower, change and go out straight away- a pattern he followed every single night I was home, and my sister revealed he had been doing it for two months before. He would claim he had to go to 'meetings' or meet customers, and even went as far as to forgo my sisters graduation ceremony from junior school to go and spend time with this woman. 

    My stomach feels sick talking about this, but he completely abandoned his family and left his responsibilities to his 22 and 16 year old daughters who after taking care of our mother for so long have no other work experience. My mother doesn't know as she is so ill that it would only break her heart and debilitate her further. 

    He's so unapologetic about it, less than two weeks after he admitted what he had been doing he came home from work, ate the meal I had cooked and left, saying that he 'was going out for a while' this was at 8pm, finally coming home at 2AM following an angry phone call from me. He claims to be remorseful- yet he continues to do it regardless of how it affects his daughters and their own mental capacity. I'm pretty sure the woman is from his Caring for Carers group which he frequently goes away with on 'breaks', though he doesn't do any of the actual caring. 

    Mentally, I'm not sure I can take it any more. I have only recently come around from a horrible bout of depression following a serious sexual assault from a male friend of mine and can only depend on my long suffering boyfriend.

    My sister, having seen all of this before and having kept it secret, is so cold and calm about the whole situation it's worrying, I'm terrified that the stuff she has experienced while I was away at college has seriously effected her on a deep level. I'm currently staying at my boyfriend's mother's house while she is away and while my boyfriend works a 12 hour shift, but I can't stay here forever and I'm dreading having to go home- even to get my stuff. I have no money, jobs won't hire me because of lack of working experience and I shared a car with my father. 

    If anyone knows what I should do- please tell me because I'm completely lost. 
    I suggest strongly that you see a counselor also -- it's imperative you do so, being you have a parent with a long term chronic condition, plus you have other problems that are on your plate.

    I am sorry for your troubles.

    Get to Social Security --- is there something like it in your country -- I am guessing you are not living in the United States? --- and see what they can do for your mom. A live in companion or a live in nurse or one who can visit for a good length of time daily will be a godsend to her and to you.  

    See a clergy person -- a priest, a pastor, a minister, a rabbi or what ever clergyperson your religion is --- they too are a godsend in times of emotional need.

    Even if you are not observant, there is still a clergy person to talk to. Hospitals usually have them on staff -- or ring the doorbell of a rectory or a church/house of worship -- there usually is an office for the staff on site -- a cleric should be there and be kind enough to speak with you.

    Wishing you the best. Please keep us posted.
    short+sassy
  • I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through!  I agree with @TarponMonoxide.  Find whatever government/community resources you can to help with your mother's care.  Both you and your sister need counseling.

    Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about your dad.  He is who he is and he can't be counted on.  He doesn't even want to change.  Though I would stop cooking him dinner!  He can fend for himself the way he is forcing you and your sister to fend for yourselves and take care of his wife on top of that.

    I'd also suggest finding a job, any job...even if you have to start out at minimum wage.  Especially with a degree, you can usually work your way up.  In this economy, there are a lot of college graduates being forced to do that.  A job will bring in some money, but I think it will also give you a sense of self worth and a purpose.

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