Married Life
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Struggling

My H and I are 26 and we have been married almost 6 years. In the beginning of the marriage he found a part time job and I was looking and could not really find anything. Then about a year and half into the marriage he began a full time job and I did some temp jobs and some part time work as well. In the last 3 years or so I will not lie I have had not the greatest track record with jobs, in a year I think I ended up working at 4 different places. Either the fit wasnt right, or the working conditions were not right, whatever the reason(s) I did not stay in a job for long. I have however been working in the same job the past 2 years. My H has been in the same full time job for the last 5 years.
         that being said, I bring up children with my H and he always throws up barriers to them. He says he wants them and I believe he does, but there is always a reason to wait, finances, jobs, family problems, whatever. When I try and find ways to fix the financial problems he listens to what I have to say, for example, I found a job listing doing exactly what he is doing now, just with a different place and it paid double what he is making now. He seemed excited about it and applied, however we never heard anything back from them. Now, I tell him I am going to apply a few places to try and get more stable financially and he throws in my face that he has kept his job for 5 years and I have been the one jumping from place to place...and continuing on from there. this is not the first time he has done this. He has brought this up before and when we talked about it he apologized and we moved on.
         I just dont know how to keep reliving this for the rest of my life. I feel so inadequate and small when he does that. I feel like a failure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Re: Struggling

  • It sounds to me like something else is bothering your husband.  I'd suggest trying to find out what that is without bringing up the baby subject.  Maybe he feels trapped at his job?  Maybe even though you feel like things are stable, he still doesn't?  It doesn't excuse his reaction, however, when people are frustrated and feel pressed, they sometimes blow up and unfortunately hurt those around them.

    In the meantime, until you get this resolved, don't conceive a child.  It'll just make things worse.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    short+sassy
  • I would tackle this logically.  Put together your current budget (incomes and bills).  Then, put together the "baby" budget, which should include whatever extra expenses you will have with a baby, ie extra medical insurance/copays, childcare, diapers, food, clothes, etc.

    Hopefully there will still be a large surplus (more income than expenses).  That is something black and white you can show to your H.  Then have him make a "checklist" of what he needs in place to TTC.  Maybe it is a particular $ value in the emergency fund/savings, reducing debt, and/or increasing income levels.

    Then formulate a plan to reach whatever those goals are.  And I'm not saying you have to take his goals at point blank.  If something seems unreasonable, discuss, but you both need to agree on the checklist.

  • kr0403kr0403 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments
    I know we need to make a budget for everything and with the bills we need to pay off we need to wait a little bit before we TTC. That being said, I just feel like he is saying I need to stay in this job or I need to find a better paying job. I feel like he is comfortable in his job so why should he try for better? It feels like he doesnt want to provide. I know this is not the case, that is just how I feel about it. And if I try and talk about him looking for a job he throws me having several jobs in my face and says it is because of his steady job that we have been able to afford our bills and such, like I have not been in a stable full time job for over 2 years.
  • So one of the big issues here is a jsteady, well paying job for both of you? To be fair to him it's REALLY hard to get and keep a job in this economy, even if you show up every day and work hard. There are benefits to keeping the same job, like earning vacation, sick and personal time. Does he want to promote to a specific position in the same company? Do you live close to this current job and him switching jobs may give him a longer commute? Long term if you can keep the same job that may be a wise move for a family. I understand you want him to make more money, I think we all want to make more money, but you have to look at what he's going to give up for that new job. Is it worth it for a few more bucks? Will he stay at that new job for another 5 years? Will he be happy at that new job?

    Have you talked about what's going to happen financially when the baby comes along? This comes up on other boards a lot, in this day and age not every man wants to be the sole provider for a family, that's a lot of pressure. Would you want to work 40+ hours a week while he got to stay home with the baby? You both have to be clear what's going to happen. Perhaps you work part time, weekends or nights to help bring in some money and give you husband some breathing room. Figure that out before you start TTC.

    I think you have to find a compromise where you find a steady job for a certain amount of time (you both need to determine what that is.) I understand it's tough, you're very young so you haven't had the time to build a career. Your husband on the other hand is probably thinking about how most companies won't give you paid maternity leave (or whatever loop hole they find to call it something else) unless you've been with them for so long. If you need too or plan to return to work going back to the same company should be easier than finding a new employer to trust you. 
  • I agree, it's really crappy he keeps throwing your previous "job hopping" in your face.  My guess is that is his way of redirecting a conversation he doesn't want to have and making you the "bad guy" at the same time.  In this day and age, two years is a respectable amount of time to be working for the same company.

    To be fair, I can a bit understand his point of view as far as looking for another job.  I'm not saying he shouldn't be open to looking if he is being currently way underpaid.  But, at the same time, if he is happy and comfortable where he is working, that says a lot.  The older I have gotten, the more I have valued my work environment...because I have worked in some HORRIBLE situations!  I would much rather work a job I liked and I was comfortable than take a job, even paying a higher salary, that was an unknown.

    Quite frankly, I've been tempted a few times to go look for greener pastures because my salary is on the low side at my job.  But I like the company, I like the job, and I like the people I work with.  And THAT is what keeps me from sending my resume out.  Those are qualities you (general you) really don't appreciate until you have worked somewhere that was missing them.

    As for maternity leave...I'm adding to what @dutchgirl76 said and assuming you are in the U.S...although your employer is required by FMLA to give you 6? 8? (I forget the number) weeks of maternity leave, NONE of it needs to be paid.  However, if you have short term disability insurance, that will cover some of your salary (usually 60%) for that time frame.

    Assuming you have a healthy pregnancy, you may not need to even take 6-8 weeks.  But the opposite can happen also, maybe there is a complication, and you need to be on bed rest for the last 3 months.  At any rate, your H might be thinking of those worst case scenarios and wants to be prepared first.  And, hey!, its great to have an emergency fund that is NOT needed because everything goes perfectly, than to need one and not have one.   

    R.Wilsonnydutchgirl76

  • To be fair, I can a bit understand his point of view as far as looking for another job.  I'm not saying he shouldn't be open to looking if he is being currently way underpaid.  But, at the same time, if he is happy and comfortable where he is working, that says a lot.  The older I have gotten, the more I have valued my work environment...because I have worked in some HORRIBLE situations!  I would much rather work a job I liked and I was comfortable than take a job, even paying a higher salary, that was an unknown.

    Quite frankly, I've been tempted a few times to go look for greener pastures because my salary is on the low side at my job.  But I like the company, I like the job, and I like the people I work with.  And THAT is what keeps me from sending my resume out.  Those are qualities you (general you) really don't appreciate until you have worked somewhere that was missing them.

    As for maternity leave...I'm adding to what @dutchgirl76 said and assuming you are in the U.S...although your employer is required by FMLA to give you 6? 8? (I forget the number) weeks of maternity leave, NONE of it needs to be paid.  However, if you have short term disability insurance, that will cover some of your salary (usually 60%) for that time frame.

    I've worked in some terrible environments as well including 12 hour days with more than 1 hour commute each way. I'm much happier now at a job I hope will remain steady, even if I don't get a big raise every year. I'm not sure if you own a house, but a lot of mortgage companies like to see consistency in your job history. Yeah it's not that easy, but if you can stay do it.

  • kr0403 said:
    My H and I are 26 and we have been married almost 6 years. In the beginning of the marriage he found a part time job and I was looking and could not really find anything. Then about a year and half into the marriage he began a full time job and I did some temp jobs and some part time work as well. In the last 3 years or so I will not lie I have had not the greatest track record with jobs, in a year I think I ended up working at 4 different places.


    I would like to know why you and he married, despite the fact neither one of you was self sufficient -- and self sufficient for at least 2 solid years, with money saved.

    I can't understand why the 2 of you got married despite the fact neither one of you was working full time --- you also married way too young.  No 20 year olds that I know have good full time jobs.  

    Either the fit wasnt right, or the working conditions were not right, whatever the reason(s) I did not stay in a job for long. I have however been working in the same job the past 2 years. My H has been in the same full time job for the last 5 years.

    That being said, I bring up children with my H and he always throws up barriers to them. He says he wants them and I believe he does, but there is always a reason to wait, finances, jobs, family problems, whatever.

    No kids until you and he have a good amount of money saved up.

    And do either one of you have health insurance?

    Bring no kiddo into the picture until the  both of you are financially secure.

    When I try and find ways to fix the financial problems he listens to what I have to say, for example, I found a job listing doing exactly what he is doing now, just with a different place and it paid double what he is making now. He seemed excited about it and applied, however we never heard anything back from them. Now, I tell him I am going to apply a few places to try and get more stable financially and he throws in my face that he has kept his job for 5 years and I have been the one jumping from place to place...and continuing on from there. this is not the first time he has done this. He has brought this up before and when we talked about it he apologized and we moved on.

    I just dont know how to keep reliving this for the rest of my life. I feel so inadequate and small when he does that. I feel like a failure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    He throws this up to you??

    How old is this guy???

    Counseling immediately. he has no right to belittle you and act like this. If he doesn't get his act together, consider saying goodbye.

    You are not in junior high anymore...and he is, as the petty little 7th grade bully.

    Get rid of him if he doesn't clean up his act.


  • Job hunting is tough work.  If you are serious about it, you really need to treat it like a full time job.  You are the sales rep of you!  Or in your case, your hubby.  And the commission is awesome!

    Until you are both in stable jobs, with at least 3 months of savings and emergency cash, it would be un-wise to consider children.  Sure, you can have them now and it would be super easy, but you would just be adding misery to an already snowballing problem.  

    Honor both of yourselves (and your future child) and be wise in this forever decision.  Get serious and real about finding stable jobs.  Get honest and put your priorities in check with your budgets.  Time is your biggest friend and you CAN do this TOGETHER and you WILL!!!

    Good luck dear.
    NoneForUs
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