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Being friends with males

Hi everyone!
First of all, this is my first post on the Nest, so be nice please ?? :)
Second of all, I can't change my wedding date info, when I signed up for the "the knot" I didn't know my actual wedding date, so I just put anything.. i was using Wedding wire mostly..so I never changed it here...and now I don't know how to change it...help.

Okay, on to the topic. So I have had this one male friend for awhile now like 5 years. My husband is friends with him now too, in fact he was a groomsmen. We have always had a platonic relationship, despite meeting through a dating app. We both have always felt we were better to just be friends, since we have different life goals. 
He recently got married (civilly) just after I got married ..my actual wedding date is 3.22.15. Any ways, his wife doesn't like it that he texts me instead of texting my husband. As I stated before, I was friends with him before knowing my husband and its always been platonic. We text on occasion (not all the time) and always during the day about platonic things. I seriously don't know why it is such a big deal for him to be texting a woman. What should I do/say??? 

Re: Being friends with males

  • I don't think you do or say anything. It's really an issue between your friend and their wife.
    GilliCshort+sassy
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hi everyone!
    First of all, this is my first post on the Nest, so be nice please ?? :)
    Second of all, I can't change my wedding date info, when I signed up for the "the knot" I didn't know my actual wedding date, so I just put anything.. i was using Wedding wire mostly..so I never changed it here...and now I don't know how to change it...help.

    Okay, on to the topic. So I have had this one male friend for awhile now like 5 years. My husband is friends with him now too, in fact he was a groomsmen. We have always had a platonic relationship, despite meeting through a dating app. We both have always felt we were better to just be friends, since we have different life goals. 
    He recently got married (civilly) just after I got married ..my actual wedding date is 3.22.15. Any ways, his wife doesn't like it that he texts me instead of texting my husband. As I stated before, I was friends with him before knowing my husband and its always been platonic. We text on occasion (not all the time) and always during the day about platonic things. I seriously don't know why it is such a big deal for him to be texting a woman. What should I do/say??? 

    I agree with the PP. Unless she says something to you directly, you stay out of this.

    Do I agree with her? No. But it's their marriage and his responsibility to say something if he disagrees with her.
    image
    TofumonkeyNoneForUsVOR
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    GilliC said:

    Hi everyone!
    First of all, this is my first post on the Nest, so be nice please ?? :)
    Second of all, I can't change my wedding date info, when I signed up for the "the knot" I didn't know my actual wedding date, so I just put anything.. i was using Wedding wire mostly..so I never changed it here...and now I don't know how to change it...help.

    Okay, on to the topic. So I have had this one male friend for awhile now like 5 years. My husband is friends with him now too, in fact he was a groomsmen. We have always had a platonic relationship, despite meeting through a dating app. We both have always felt we were better to just be friends, since we have different life goals. 
    He recently got married (civilly) just after I got married ..my actual wedding date is 3.22.15. Any ways, his wife doesn't like it that he texts me instead of texting my husband. As I stated before, I was friends with him before knowing my husband and its always been platonic. We text on occasion (not all the time) and always during the day about platonic things. I seriously don't know why it is such a big deal for him to be texting a woman. What should I do/say??? 

    I agree with the PP. Unless she says something to you directly, you stay out of this.

    Do I agree with her? No. But it's their marriage and his responsibility to say something if he disagrees with her.

    Yup, this.  I too don't agree with  her, but that's not the point here.  This is something for him to deal with one on one with his wife.  And yes... a fallout of this might be that he says he can't text you anymore. 
  • I don't agree with her either.  I mean, nothing changed once he got married right?  You were friends and you texted before they were married and now she has a problem?

    But this is their issue in their marriage and you need to keep quiet.
  • I agree that it's between this guy and his wife. However, you are in a unique position as his female friend.

    How would you feel if your DH was doing something that made you uncomfortable and not only he, but the friend (male or female) he was doing it with didn't respect your wishes either?

    Whether or not you agree with his guy's wife, you have to decide whether or not you want to respect her and her wishes/boundaries as your friend's wife, as another woman, and as just a another human being.

    Furthermore, let's say you continue to be 50% involved in this platonic friendship via texting on a regular basis and let's say that this causes fights between your guy friend and his wife and your guy friend becomes unhappy and his wife continues to be unhappy. I realize it's not 100% your responsibility for other peoples' feelings and what makes them upset, but you are a contributor to this situation.

    If you respect this guy friend so much since he's your friend, why doesn't the woman he married also deserve your respect just by being his wife?

    To be honest, I see her side of it and rather than get upset with her about it, why not see it from her angle for a little bit? Maybe she is insecure or unhappy, again, not your problem, but I feel that common decency means we don't intentionally try to do things that ramp up others' insecure feelings. It seems unkind.

    Maybe you don't cease texting altogether, but you limit it to 1-2 times per week in the day. And the other times if he texts, you ask him to ask/talk to your DH. She isn't asking you guys not to be friends, she is just asking for a boundary in male/female communication.

    NoneForUs
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015

    I agree that it's between this guy and his wife. However, you are in a unique position as his female friend.

    How would you feel if your DH was doing something that made you uncomfortable and not only he, but the friend (male or female) he was doing it with didn't respect your wishes either?

    Whether or not you agree with his guy's wife, you have to decide whether or not you want to respect her and her wishes/boundaries as your friend's wife, as another woman, and as just a another human being.

    Furthermore, let's say you continue to be 50% involved in this platonic friendship via texting on a regular basis and let's say that this causes fights between your guy friend and his wife and your guy friend becomes unhappy and his wife continues to be unhappy. I realize it's not 100% your responsibility for other peoples' feelings and what makes them upset, but you are a contributor to this situation.

    If you respect this guy friend so much since he's your friend, why doesn't the woman he married also deserve your respect just by being his wife?

    To be honest, I see her side of it and rather than get upset with her about it, why not see it from her angle for a little bit? Maybe she is insecure or unhappy, again, not your problem, but I feel that common decency means we don't intentionally try to do things that ramp up others' insecure feelings. It seems unkind.

    Maybe you don't cease texting altogether, but you limit it to 1-2 times per week in the day. And the other times if he texts, you ask him to ask/talk to your DH. She isn't asking you guys not to be friends, she is just asking for a boundary in male/female communication.

    I still think this is his call. If he thinks that cutting back is the right decision, then by all means OP should respect that. However, I don't think it's at all up to her to take the initiative to change things.

    After all, what if the guy and his wife are already discussing this issue in counseling, and their therapist feels that it's important for her to face her insecurities head on and learn to accept that her husband is in contact with his female friend?

    Just because we/OP know some part of the situation definitely does not mean that we have the full picture. It's the responsibility of the guy and/or his wife to take the lead here, because they're the ones who know the situation best. At most, OP can ask the guy if he'd like her to reduce communication. It's never a good idea to just make assumptions.
    image
  • I agree with mommy liberty. Having been in his wife's shoes, give the woman some respect and cut contact with him. There's a reason she feels the way she does about you, something we're not hearing here. Let the chit chat go thru your husband and him, and catch up with your guy friend when you 4 go on group dates. That should help his wife become more comfortable with you anyways. Why aren't you becoming friends with her anyways? Honestly she's prob upset bc he's texting YOU and not her, his WIFE, throughout the day.
    BabyFetus Ticker BabyName Ticker
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