Trouble in Paradise
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I Need to Leave

Hello Everyone,

My husband, since we've been married (almost one year) has decided to take up drinking heavily.  He started drinking two weeks after the wedding after being sober for a long time.  He's been drinking every day since May 6, 2014.  Some days he drinks a ton, other days he can still sort of function.  I use that term loosely.  This fall he decided to start drinking beer and vodka (or rum) at the same time.  This caused him to turn into a raging lunatic who spent a night in jail for trying to attack me in the middle of the afternoon while on a  drunken bender.  When he got out of jail, he stopped the hard alcohol but still felt the need to drink beer.  Shortly after the holidays his drinking increased.  His cousin who's the same age died 3 weeks ago and now my husband cannot cope at all with the grief.  He is drinking alllll day every day, beer, hard liquor, you name it.  He doesn't work (had his own company but lost it to drinking), doesn't do s%it around the house, no cooking, no cleaning, and constantly gives me, the one who does work, an attitude allll the time!  I am so sick of him!!!!  I found a new place to live and can fully support myself because, hello! I do it now!  The problem is he gets in my face, gives me attitude, fights, argues, throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way.  Hearing I want to leave will NOT make him happy.  I sign the lease on a new home next Tuesday and really do NOT want him on my lease.  I want time away from him because right now I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and so much stress is on me with having to support his a$$.  I'm tired of supporting him!!!!!!  He WON'T get off his a$$ and work because that would require sobriety and he doesn't want to go to rehab.  He feels he can kick the drinking himself.  When he's ready, of course haha.  I need help getting away from this a$$, any advice? 

Re: I Need to Leave

  • I forgot to mention I'm working with a therapist on this issue.
  • Well, the therapist should be able to give you the advice you need.

    Do not put his name on the lease. Pack your crap and leave. Have someone else with you when you leave (maybe the police).

    You do not need help you just need to do it.  You are strong and smart and know you deserve better. Just do it. Do not let him manipulate you.


    VORwink0erin
  • MrsAshleyH10MrsAshleyH10 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited March 2015



    Do not put his name on the lease. Pack your crap and leave. Have someone else with you when you leave (maybe the police).

    ^^^Ditto this^^^
    I would not put him on your new lease nor would I tell him where your new place is... by the sound of it I would also request a restraining order against him.

    This is scary. Get your affairs in order and leave his bum.
    jlp41704TarponMonoxidegroovylockswink0erin
  • magsugar13, thank you for telling it to me straight and for telling me I'm strong and smart:) 
    magsugar13TarponMonoxide
  • Yep, get your own place and do not let him even know where it is.  

    Kudos to you for having the courage and stregnth to do this and kudos for seeking out the help of a trained professional.  
  • You're definitely on the right track! Leave and tell him you won't be back until he's in a treatment program. Then stick to your guns.
  • Thank you ladies for the positive encouragement during this really tough time in my life, you are appreciated!

     

    groovylocks
  • Dittoing the other PPs, sounds like you are already moving in the right direction.  Good for you!  This is obviously a terrible situation that you need to get out of.  I'm so sorry to hear your marriage started going downhill so fast because of his drinking.

    It sounds like he was just waiting for that marriage certificate to be signed to then start showing his true colors.  This isn't your fault.  Please don't blame yourself or start questioning your own judgment.  Unfortunately, some people are excellent at putting on a "good face" until it is too late. 

    In essence, he is really the one who "left" you a long time ago.  I predict your first night alone in your new house, you will feel an enormous weight lifted off and a sense of pure freedom.  It will only get better from here.  Good luck! 

    TarponMonoxide
  • Honey, you got this.  You have your ducks in a row it seems and you don't need him bringing you down...you walk away do you!
  • jlp41704 said:

    Hello Everyone,

    My husband, since we've been married (almost one year) has decided to take up drinking heavily.  He started drinking two weeks after the wedding after being sober for a long time.  He's been drinking every day since May 6, 2014. 

    No AA?

    No drug and alcohol counselor, just on the wagon?

    AA will tell you that "quitting" on yor own means you are still the same as an actively drinking alcoholic. 

    Get out of there before his "drinking anniversary." Flat leave this bum.


    Some days he drinks a ton, other days he can still sort of function.  I use that term loosely.  This fall he decided to start drinking beer and vodka (or rum) at the same time.  This caused him to turn into a raging lunatic who spent a night in jail for trying to attack me in the middle of the afternoon while on a  drunken bender.  When he got out of jail, he stopped the hard alcohol but still felt the need to drink beer. 

    And despite the fact he is a jailbird, you are still with him?

    WHY??? 

    Shortly after the holidays his drinking increased.  His cousin who's the same age died 3 weeks ago and now my husband cannot cope at all with the grief.  He is drinking alllll day every day, beer, hard liquor, you name it.  He doesn't work (had his own company but lost it to drinking), doesn't do s%it around the house, no cooking, no cleaning, and constantly gives me, the one who does work, an attitude allll the time!  I am so sick of him!!!!  I found a new place to live and can fully support myself because, hello! I do it now!  The problem is he gets in my face, gives me attitude, fights, argues, throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way.  Hearing I want to leave will NOT make him happy.  I sign the lease on a new home next Tuesday and really do NOT want him on my lease.  I want time away from him because right now I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and so much stress is on me with having to support his a$$.  I'm tired of supporting him!!!!!!  He WON'T get off his a$$ and work because that would require sobriety and he doesn't want to go to rehab.  He feels he can kick the drinking himself.  When he's ready, of course haha.  I need help getting away from this a$$, any advice? 

    Enough is enugh --- leave him and divorce him based on the fact he is a drunk.

    In the meanwhile, protect your assets and do not let him have access to any money. A drunk will drain you dry.

    AlAnon for you, stat. They will tell you what we told you: Leave him.

    The "I am leaving until you sober up with the help of AA" won't work here, I am afraid. YOu can't take that chance or option. Leave him.
  • Omg I feel so bad for you,I got a few tears in my eyes reading this, I believe ur a strong person, don't put his name on the lease. I would leave probably when he's past out ,slowly pack up ur car so he won't notice then when he's out cold make ur move, by moving out u will speak volume, I hope all is and goes well good luck
  • Ditto to everything everyone else has said here. I realize this thread is a month old, but OP, hopefully you left this guy and haven't looked back. You do not need this kind of loser in your life. And I wouldn't even bother reconciling with him if - and that's a very big IF - he does decide to get help. Because all signs point to him never changing. He has showed you loud and clear who he is - nothing but a raging alcoholic bum. You're better than this and better off without him dragging you down. GL
  • I know this post is old but I'm married to an alcoholic too. He's been through rehab, he's seen many many therapist, he's tried AA and cold turkey. Our entire life is ups and downs. And most of his relapses are completely hidden from me. He has a master lier and can make me feel like an idiot so either not trusting him or when I finally find out the truth. Mine always convinces me to stay because he's getting help and willing to address the problem. And it still sucks. I'm trying to get myself out now.  

    Get out while you can. Get out now. 
  • Time to leave, I agree. I'm so glad you've found your own way to this answer. I'm proud of you. 

    It is scary to leave. It gets a thousand times better after you do. You're about to enter a golden period. Everything is so wonderful after leaving a dysfunctional relationship. 

    It's sad that he's in a period of grief but this shouldn't change your course of action. Don't tell him you're leaving because i think you're right. He'll get crazy. You just need to leave. If you feel you can't go to the new place and sign the lease without him coming (and he WILL come if he knows where it is), explain to the landlord that you are leaving your abusive partner and to please either let you sign a new lease elsewhere or that plans have changed and you won't be signing anything. Because until you sign a lease, you're not legally obligated in any way.

    At this point, it's volatile and you have to consider this a safety issue.
  • edited November 2015
    jlp41704 said:

    Hello Everyone,

    My husband, since we've been married (almost one year) has decided to take up drinking heavily.  He started drinking two weeks after the wedding after being sober for a long time. 

    Was he sober with the help of AA or a drug and alcohol counselor?

    If not, he is what AA calls a "dry drunk."

    He also should have been with AA or a drug and alcohol counselor for the support that is needed during sobriety.  He was never clean and sober, in his case.

    When he started to drink again, that is where you should have gotten the marriage annulled -- and I will bet you he was drinking secretly before you were married.

    It could also very well be he was secretly drinking the entire time after he "gave up" the booze and you never found out. There are lots of ways to hide an addiction and if you and he lived apart before marriage, this was a snap for him to do as he wished once you were not around.

    Two weeks is barely long enough for the marriage license to be filed in the county clerk's office. You could have had the marriage annulled and remember: being untrue consists of quite a lot than a physical affair with another person. he wasn't being true to himself or to you -- and he's let alcohol come between you and him.

    He has already let his drunkenness come between you and him --- NOTHING is supposed to come between you and your spouse.

    This was never anybody you should have remained married to. The second you found out he was drinking, you say "Either me or the booze" and if he chose the booze, out the door and down to an attorney for an annulment --- addictions are grounds for civil annulments.

    Alcoholism is a dealbreaker.

    He's been drinking every day since May 6, 2014.  Some days he drinks a ton, other days he can still sort of function.  I use that term loosely. 

    Indeed why you needed to leave there and then. No ultimatums, just go.


    This fall he decided to start drinking beer and vodka (or rum) at the same time.  This caused him to turn into a raging lunatic who spent a night in jail for trying to attack me in the middle of the afternoon while on a  drunken bender. 

    When he got out of jail, he stopped the hard alcohol but still felt the need to drink beer.  Shortly after the holidays his drinking increased. 

    He was JAILED on account of assaulting you and you still took him back?!  Why on earth didn't you leave him there and then??? Who posted bail for this asshole --- YOU???Please don't tell us it was YOU!

    His cousin who's the same age died 3 weeks ago and now my husband cannot cope at all with the grief.  He is drinking alllll day every day, beer, hard liquor, you name it. 

    He's full of shit: this is just an excuse to drink as much as he wants to drink. You buy right into his messes and excuses. WISE UP!

    He doesn't work (had his own company but lost it to drinking), doesn't do s%it around the house, no cooking, no cleaning, and constantly gives me, the one who does work, an attitude allll the time!  I am so sick of him!!!! 

    No you are not sick of him. You are embracing his drinking and hs zero respect for you. As I said, wise up.

    I found a new place to live and can fully support myself because, hello! I do it now!  The problem is he gets in my face, gives me attitude, fights, argues, throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way.  Hearing I want to leave will NOT make him happy. 

    He lost his business and hence his job has been jailed and physically and verbally abuses you and treats you like dirt...

    And you leased WHAT for this drunk bastard and yourself to live in???

    He has to be getting drinking money from you too. Why should he sober up? Life is really good, thanks to his doormat wife!

    Honey, get your head examined stat. You are supporting this leech and giving him a home to live in, too, rent paid for by you??? What's wrong with you??

    I sign the lease on a new home next Tuesday and really do NOT want him on my lease. 

    Then you tell him adios my fiend and you make sure he hits the road. Why are you with this drunk leech???

    I want time away from him because right now I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and so much stress is on me with having to support his a$$. 

    "Time away from him"? He needs TO GO. Only you will not make sure he is history.

    I'm tired of supporting him!!!!!!  He WON'T get off his a$$ and work because that would require sobriety and he doesn't want to go to rehab.  He feels he can kick the drinking himself.  When he's ready, of course haha.  I need help getting away from this a$$, any advice? 

    Your best bet:

    Frig the new home with the lease; do not sign it.

    Leave him and everything behind.

    Leave for work...and instead of leaving for work, go home to your parent's house or anywhere -- screw the furniture and the clothes. Take only your valuables and go.

    Valuables meaning your wedding ring and erring and bank books and other small valuable items you can fit right into your purse. That is all you need to take with you.

    Clothes you can buy elsewhere when you are away from him and who cares about the furniture and contents of your home?

    He probably won't realize you are missing....until it's time for him to hit you up for money for booze...and then he'll probably get it that you are gone for good. Too bad.

    No forwarding address and file for divorce before you leave. Let the attorney mail the summons, rather than have a process server come out to the house to do it. He will be served in a day or 2 after the summons returns to the attorney and is ready to go to the defendant.

    After that, this is his turkey. HIS turkey, not yours.

    Leave him posthaste. Take everything valuable and go -- protect your money and other assets first. Do not let him have access to your money.

    Enough is enough. This was never a marriage: this was a year and a half bender. Leave him and do it now.
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