Family Matters
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What do you do when your family choses your friend over you?

kgowett1kgowett1 member
First Comment
edited March 2015 in Family Matters
My dad has 2 houses. My fiance & I just moved back to my home town, and we are staying in my dad's rental house. Next door to his house.

My Maid of Honor expressed to me how she doesn't have a home now that her uncle moved into her grandma's house (where she was staying) and had to live with a bf who constantly lied & cheated on her. She couldn't break up with him & live there. I spoke to my parents and she could stay at their house.
She takes 1 class at the college across the street on Tuesday nights. Guess which one night per week she stays?
She has lived there for 5 months. It was only supposed to be a temporary situation. She hasn't broken up with the bf. She shows up to shower & do laundry. She's not looking for an apartment. She stays 2 nights per week if she's having trouble with her bf &/or has a date with someone else. She's apparently not the same person I've known all these years.

My parents complained to me about her every time I spoke with them. My dad started calling her a tramp - To he face!
I found out she'd been lying to me about her family situation. Her mother has a 3 bedroom house (where she stayed for a week with some guy from another state who came to visit her). No roommates. she's welcome there. She sked if he could stay at my parent's house while they left on a cruise. I said no. She asked my parents. They said no. Later she talks to me about it & says "I don't know why it matters, it's not like they'll be here." That made me very angry at her & wonder how she could be so disrespectful. Then the bf starts showing up in the driveway looking for her unannounced. Hello drama. I asked her to start looking for other places to stay after that. After all this, it's obvious she was using my parents, & using me.
I told her in December to start looking for other arrangements. She didn't. And continued staying once per week. She was only interested in having free rent & free utilities. Used my parent's internet, food, electricity, water, etc. Never even offered to help with anything.
I told her 2 days ago "Hey. We noticed you only stay here once or twice per week & it's been this way for a while. It reads like you're using us. I know I told you to start looking for other places to stay back in December, and I think it's time you take action on that."
She said ok & she'll leave & will talk to my parents. 
Not knowing exactly what that meant, I figured I'd let my parent's know she would come get her stuff & probably apologize. I told my dad first since my mother wasn't home. He told me "I'm not getting into it! I'm going to say I know nothing about it!" He then laughed at me & accused me of being jealous of her. Just 2 days prior he came over talking badly about her & asked me to get her to move out.
Later, I talk with my mother when she gets home. MOH had moved her things out & I didn't know what was said. I told my mother what I'd said to my dad & expressed that I was very afraid he was going to tell her to stay. The whole situation played out in my mind that day. He'll tell her to stay, She'll stay. He would've chosen her as a daughter over me. After telling me to get her to leave & talking so badly about her, and creating this whole situation, he'll act like "To hell with Kelly. You can still stay here."
I expressed this fear to my mother. She said "No he wouldn't do something like that! You're his daughter & he doesn't even like her!!"

The next day I return a tupperware. They ask for help with his laptop. Afterwards, I ask him what she said when moving out & what he said.

Guess what?

He told her to stay.



I've been reading blogs about getting past family betrayal, but I just don't know what to do.
I can't talk to him because he never lets me talk about my feelings. He yells at me, laughs at me, then walks away & turns the TV up as loud as possible & ignores me.
What would you do?

I haven't talked to all 3 of them since I heard that. I feel like he's made a stance on something that he's created. I don't know what that something is or why he even created this situation. I knew it was coming, though. I feel the need to leave. Like, "enough is enough." Is that irrational?

Re: What do you do when your family choses your friend over you?

  • I think your problems with your father go beyond this one slight. And hey, if your parents don't have a problem with this person mooching off them, you can't say much about it. I understand they complained about her to you but people are strange, and there's no way of knowing what happens when you're not there and involved. I would just stay out of it. You may want to consider getting a new rental too. Distance helps when you can't stand your family.
    puppylove2014kgowett1
  • Yeah, the problems with my dad definitely go beyond this one instance.
    My mother always plays the victim card and lies for him. She immediately started sending text messages that this is my fault, I need to be more grateful, It's tearing her up inside that I'm acting this way & "It seems the whole world can go to hell if you are not happy". She's always done this. (In an argument, when she starts to "lose" she'll start coughing & straining her voice. I used to feel bad, hug her & apologize. That cycle went on for years until I figured out it was all a game.)
    I've recently realized that no matter what, she will always be his enabler & take his side. Nothing he does is wrong/hurtful, only me. I'm constantly told that the way he makes me feel is my fault and I need to get over it. I always have, then he turns around & does something worse. Then my mother blames me again.

    Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.


  • puppylove2014puppylove2014 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    kgowett1 said:

    My dad has 2 houses. My fiance & I just moved back to my home town, and we are staying in my dad's rental house. Next door to his house.

    My Maid of Honor expressed to me how she doesn't have a home now that her uncle moved into her grandma's house (where she was staying) and had to live with a bf who constantly lied & cheated on her. She couldn't break up with him & live there. I spoke to my parents and she could stay at their house.
    She takes 1 class at the college across the street on Tuesday nights. Guess which one night per week she stays?
    She has lived there for 5 months. It was only supposed to be a temporary situation. She hasn't broken up with the bf. She shows up to shower & do laundry. She's not looking for an apartment. She stays 2 nights per week if she's having trouble with her bf &/or has a date with someone else. She's apparently not the same person I've known all these years.

    My parents complained to me about her every time I spoke with them. My dad started calling her a tramp - To he face!
    I found out she'd been lying to me about her family situation. Her mother has a 3 bedroom house (where she stayed for a week with some guy from another state who came to visit her). No roommates. she's welcome there. She sked if he could stay at my parent's house while they left on a cruise. I said no. She asked my parents. They said no. Later she talks to me about it & says "I don't know why it matters, it's not like they'll be here." That made me very angry at her & wonder how she could be so disrespectful. Then the bf starts showing up in the driveway looking for her unannounced. Hello drama. I asked her to start looking for other places to stay after that. After all this, it's obvious she was using my parents, & using me.
    I told her in December to start looking for other arrangements. She didn't. And continued staying once per week. She was only interested in having free rent & free utilities. Used my parent's internet, food, electricity, water, etc. Never even offered to help with anything.
    I told her 2 days ago "Hey. We noticed you only stay here once or twice per week & it's been this way for a while. It reads like you're using us. I know I told you to start looking for other places to stay back in December, and I think it's time you take action on that."
    She said ok & she'll leave & will talk to my parents. 
    Not knowing exactly what that meant, I figured I'd let my parent's know she would come get her stuff & probably apologize. I told my dad first since my mother wasn't home. He told me "I'm not getting into it! I'm going to say I know nothing about it!" He then laughed at me & accused me of being jealous of her. Just 2 days prior he came over talking badly about her & asked me to get her to move out.
    Later, I talk with my mother when she gets home. MOH had moved her things out & I didn't know what was said. I told my mother what I'd said to my dad & expressed that I was very afraid he was going to tell her to stay. The whole situation played out in my mind that day. He'll tell her to stay, She'll stay. He would've chosen her as a daughter over me. After telling me to get her to leave & talking so badly about her, and creating this whole situation, he'll act like "To hell with Kelly. You can still stay here."
    I expressed this fear to my mother. She said "No he wouldn't do something like that! You're his daughter & he doesn't even like her!!"

    The next day I return a tupperware. They ask for help with his laptop. Afterwards, I ask him what she said when moving out & what he said.

    Guess what?

    He told her to stay.



    I've been reading blogs about getting past family betrayal, but I just don't know what to do.
    I can't talk to him because he never lets me talk about my feelings. He yells at me, laughs at me, then walks away & turns the TV up as loud as possible & ignores me.
    What would you do?

    I haven't talked to all 3 of them since I heard that. I feel like he's made a stance on something that he's created. I don't know what that something is or why he even created this situation. I knew it was coming, though. I feel the need to leave. Like, "enough is enough." Is that irrational?

    What I get from the bolded statement is you are very sensitive to what's your father says and does from past issues. Your story goes from him wanting you to ask her to leave, to you doing so, to him changing his mind that she can stay, to you feeling that means he would rather have her as a daughter. That is quite a leap and seems unrelated to the issue at hand. I think some distance from this situation would help. My advice is to move to your own place and stay out of anyone else's housing issues. If your parents are creating drama, stay out if it. Same goes for your MOH. You do not have to get dragged into their dysfunction. Counseling may help you gain some perspective.
    kgowett1
  • No, a lot of this is on you. 

    1. this is your fault. Why did you think it would possibly be a good idea for your friend to live with your parents? Why didn't she move in with you and your husband? Her friend? Rent a room somewhere? With her parents? Her living with YOUR parents was about the weirdest and worst solution.

    You go on about how your parents treat you so badly, but are you not living next door in their house for free? And when you asked them if a friend of yours could LIVE WITH THEM, they said yes? And opened their door to your friend?

    2. Communication - seriously. Did I misread the part about you living BESIDE them? But you are phoning and texting these things? For god's sake just walk 10 ft and deal with the problem at the source. 

    3. Your dad came to you and said he is unhappy with your friend and wants her out. You then spoke to the friend and told her (weakly) that she had to leave. Your friend then talks to your father and he tells her she can stay.

    This is frustrating, yes. But hardy as dramatic as you are making it out to be. 

    Here's a solution:

    Hey Mum and Dad (in person, next door). Sorry this has all gotten out of hand. Anyway, Dad, you came over the other day and told me that friend had to go, so I spoke with friend and she agreed to go. Sorry this whole thing has been such a nightmare. I then found out that you for some reason instead have now asked her to stay. That's cool, your house, your decision. I'm out, though - and this is some kind of weird tenancy agreement that I'm not party to. I'd like to hep out, but messages are a little too mixed for me to do that. Good luck with friend, and let me know how it works out. 

    So how about (insert sports or weather reference here)

    4. Drop the friend. She's caused too much drama for you than her worth. No biggie.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    puppylove2014
  • You go on about how your parents treat you so badly, but are you not living next door in their house for free?
    You're being presumptuous. I don't recall her saying she's not paying rent.
  • I'd be happy to answer some of your questions. I am thankful for any advice, even if it's not the easiest to hear.
    You go on about how your parents treat you so badly, but are you not living next door in their house for free?
    I do not live here for free. But I also don't see where my personal living expenses could be a contributing factor.


    1. this is your fault. I understand it is me who brought her into my parent's home, yet I am not the one who told her to stay after trying to get her out. I did not speak those words. I did not tell myself to get her out. I am mainly looking for advice on how to handle my dad with the part of situation that he created.  Why did you think it would possibly be a good
    idea for your friend to live with your parents? I was trying to do something nice for a friend who has been close to my family for many years, and even calls them "mom & dad". She expressed that this would only be a couple weeks and had nowhere else to go. Why didn't she move in
    with you and your husband? At the time, he and I were staying in my parent's house as well. We just moved back to the state and had yet to find a new house of our own. Then the renters moved out & we moved in. My mother advised against her moving in with my fiance & I, and I took her advice. Her friend? Please specify. Rent a room somewhere? Again, tried to be nice and was under the impression this would not be for very long. With her
    parents? She told me this wasn't an option which I have recently found out was not true. Her living with YOUR parents was about the weirdest and worst
    solution. From a third party, I can understand that feeling. I truly thought I was helping someone for a short period of time, who had been in my family's life for almost a decade. This is why they agreed to let her stay.

    2. Communication - seriously. Did I misread the part about you
    living BESIDE them? I do live beside them. But you are phoning and texting these things? For
    god's sake just walk 10 ft and deal with the problem at the source. The only thing I phoned or texted was
    for her to move out. She wasn't answering her phone and she hadn't been
    back to their house in a week. Not living in the house, I didn't know when she was there or not. I only went off of what they were telling me. Everything with my parents was face to face.

    3. Your dad came to you and said he is unhappy with your friend and
    wants her out. Yes. On multiple occasions. You then spoke to the friend and told her (weakly) that
    she had to leave. I intended to phrase it in a manner that was eloquent and peaceful. I was pretty angry and hurt by what my parent's had told me and didn't need to start a "war" of sorts. Not everything has to be confrontational. I only needed her to kindly leave. Your friend then talks to your father and he tells her
    she can stay. Correct.

    4. Drop the friend. She's caused too much drama for you than her worth. No biggie. I agree.


     I truly appreciate your help.
  • Vet35Vet35 member
    First Comment
    Oh sweetheart.
    I would visit family set times each week and for the rest of the time create distance. That way you still maintain a relationship with out too many opportunities to get involved with drama.

    Distance yourself from your friend also. If your parents want to complain to you about her, let them, listen but don't push things keep you opinions to yourself. They will eventually realise that they are being manipulated by you friend if this is the case.

    Best wishes
    kgowett1
  • Next time your dad complains about her I'd shrug and say "only you can fix the problem by throwing her out."  End of story.
    short+sassy
  • Next time your dad complains about her I'd shrug and say "only you can fix the problem by throwing her out."  End of story.



    This, This. This.  You already did what your parents asked.  You got her to agree to move out.  Then they were the ones who caved and said she could stay.  It's ALL on them now.  I'd even say it has really been all on them the whole time because they are the ones allowing her to live their home.

    I mean, what else do they want you to do?  Forcibly remove your friend out of THEIR house when they have apparently told her multiple times she could stay?

    You are now free to wash your hands of it.  If mom or dad complains about her, your response is, "I agree, give her a deadline to leave.  She can go to her own mom's house or stay living with her b/f all the time.  It is not as if she has nowhere to go."  If they tell you again to tell her to leave, respond with, "I already did and you told her she could stay."  Rinse and repeat as often as needed. 

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