My mother was abusive to me from the time I was 9 years old until I fled the abuse at age 21. She enjoyed beating me and putting me down, as well as making negative comparisons all the time. She tried to be sweet to me in an effort to make me stay when she realized I was leaving. By that time, I had no more patience for her bullshit. I was tired of being hit as well as being called a whore every time I stayed out past 12AM. I was also weary of the expectation that I would stay home and do chores all the time like a slave.
This woman was part of the reason we eloped. When I told my mother that I was engaged, her first comment was "You're too fat to look good in a wedding dress!" She also tried to make our wedding all about her extravagant and narcissistic wishes. She felt that she had the right to choose our wedding party, venue, colors, guest list etc.. My mother refused to come dress shopping with me because I wouldn't allow her to choose my gown. When my husband and I told her that we wanted a small wedding, my mother became belligerent and insulting. My mother made embarrassing scenes in front of my husband with her shouting and she said "You're getting married like people who don't have their immigration papers!" That was the last straw for my husband and I. We eloped much to the chagrin of my mother. She was embarrassed because my elopement made it obvious to many people that I was not close to her. My mother has always been about keeping up appearances and it didn't look good that her only daughter eloped to get away from her.
Fast forward about five years...my mother desperately wants us to have a closer relationship. My elopement was a huge wake up call for my mother. I am not interested because of all the hurt she has caused and I need to protect myself. My mother enjoys gossiping about me and that is another reason I don't trust her. She has said that she wishes things were different between us and how proud she is of me. While I appreciate those words, I simply cannot be close to a mother who was abusive to me for years and could not be supportive when I was getting married. I have three brothers who all worship my mother and my wonderful dad who does whatever she wants because he is afraid of her wrath. I have tried to cut her out of my life in the past only to have my mother turn my siblings and father against me. If I cut her off, I lose the rest of my family including my nieces. That is the only reason I still talk to my mother.
She is currently living with one of my brothers and his wife in order to help with their new baby. I feel glad that my mother is not nearby and I rarely call her. This is a problem because once she realizes that I am not reaching out, she moans to my dad and my brothers about how I never call. I don't enjoy talking to meddling and rude people no matter who they are. I was with my eldest brother last night and he was on the phone with my mother, so I was stuck because she demanded that my brother pass the phone to me. When I asked my mother how she was, her response was "You never call so you don't care how I am! Don't be a hypocrite!" Uh, okay psycho! She then proceeded to add some manipulative bullshit about how I will be sad when she dies. My mom loves saying that. Little does she know that when she dies, there will be far more relief than sadness in my heart. That woman tormented me for years.
When I saw a therapist regularly, she said that my mother is highly narcissistic and she is toxic for me. My therapist felt that my self esteem issues and PTSD are a direct result of the abuse . She also recommended that I interact with my mother as little as possible. When my mother is here, I see her once a month and talk to her less frequently if I can manage to dodge her calls.
I know I must sound like an awful daughter because most people think that mothers should loved no matter what. However, I am the one who has lived the harsh reality of being raised by a mother who was vicious and cruel. I forgive my mom because I know she is an ignorant woman who didn't know any better. Unfortunately, I will never be able to forget everything she did.
- Why the fuck is my mother trying to be my friend now? I can't ask her that because she will cry and start WWIII. I don't need the drama.
- If you had an abusive mother, what is your relationship with her like now that you are an adult?