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Very confused by new in-law situation; want to get over it but need advice

twk1206twk1206 newb
edited January 2015 in Relationships

Hello!

I’d love some advice on moving forward (I have to, for my husband’s sake…)

My parents really wanted to throw a post-wedding brunch for us so that we could say good-bye to everyone. It wasn’t anything huge – and we only planned to stay for an hour or so – but it meant a lot to us to have that opportunity.

Unfortunately, his parents really disagreed with this idea (his mother told my parents that it was a “stupid” idea and that newlyweds “needed the time alone together”).  My husband and I had a long talk and decided – together – that we wanted to go to the brunch.  

I guess his parents really thought it was a dumb idea… the night of the wedding, they tampered with our car so that we’d be stuck at the hotel the next day. His sister – who had just been my maid of honor –sent my family text messages to let them know that they felt “I was forcing my husband to go to this brunch and they needed to protect him.”

My first day as a married woman was spent in tears. I felt so targeted.

I know his whole family knows – one of them tried to joke about it online – and my husband did speak with his family about respecting us as a married couple. To my horror they blamed me and my family for this when confronted. I honestly thought I had a really good relationship with his family.  

To date, none of them have approached me, acknowledged what occurred, or apologized to me or my family for the hurt they caused.  I’ve told my husband that absolutely will not try to put him in the middle -- I cannot do that to him -- and that I will work very hard to keep an open and polite relationship. But it sucks, and it's hard because I'm still hurt (and, oddly, nervous... I really don't understand why they'd think I mistreat/control him. He doesn't understand that, either -- I'm a big believer in being a team). 

I've talked with my husband a little, but I don't want to keep putting him in the middle of something that happened two months ago. Do you guys have any advice for sorting this out internally? Every time I hear from them it hurts just a little bit again. Do I just try to be open and let time heal everything completely? 

Re: Very confused by new in-law situation; want to get over it but need advice

  • I'm sorry that happened to you. Was there any background to predict this?

    I don't think your H should be in the middle-I think he should be solidly on your side. He should tell his family that until they apologize to you, they won't be hanging out with you as a couple anymore and won't be welcome in your home. They're lucky you didn't file a police report!
    puppylove2014pinkittyhoneybee530
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't think your H should be in the middle-I think he should be solidly on your side. He should tell his family that until they apologize to you, they won't be hanging out with you as a couple anymore and won't be welcome in your home. They're lucky you didn't file a police report!

    Yup... this.  And really- YOU aren't putting him in the middle.  His asshole of a family is.  So... why do you keep thinking this is you?

    Honestly- this would probably make me want to have nothing to do with his family.  They clearly don't respect the two of you or think you're capable of making your own decisions.  And over something that is so... DUMB.  It's a brunch.  They don't want to go? Fine.  But why on earth did they care if you went or not?

    PUt aside this "middle" crap and really talk to your DH about this.  this is RIDICULOUS behavior on his family's part and you all really need to decide what kind of role you want them to have in your lives.

    TarponMonoxidepuppylove2014
  • twk1206 said:

    Hello!

    I’d love some advice on moving forward (I have to, for my husband’s sake…)

    My parents really wanted to throw a post-wedding brunch for us so that we could say good-bye to everyone. It wasn’t anything huge – and we only planned to stay for an hour or so – but it meant a lot to us to have that opportunity.

    Unfortunately, his parents really disagreed with this idea (his mother told my parents that it was a “stupid” idea and that newlyweds “needed the time alone together”).  My husband and I had a long talk and decided – together – that we wanted to go to the brunch.  

    I guess his parents really thought it was a dumb idea… the night of the wedding, they tampered with our car so that we’d be stuck at the hotel the next day. His sister – who had just been my maid of honor –sent my family text messages to let them know that they felt “I was forcing my husband to go to this brunch and they needed to protect him.”

    My first day as a married woman was spent in tears. I felt so targeted.

    I know his whole family knows – one of them tried to joke about it online – and my husband did speak with his family about respecting us as a married couple. To my horror they blamed me and my family for this when confronted. I honestly thought I had a really good relationship with his family.  

    To date, none of them have approached me, acknowledged what occurred, or apologized to me or my family for the hurt they caused.  I’ve told my husband that absolutely will not try to put him in the middle -- I cannot do that to him -- and that I will work very hard to keep an open and polite relationship. But it sucks, and it's hard because I'm still hurt (and, oddly, nervous... I really don't understand why they'd think I mistreat/control him. He doesn't understand that, either -- I'm a big believer in being a team). 

    I've talked with my husband a little, but I don't want to keep putting him in the middle of something that happened two months ago. Do you guys have any advice for sorting this out internally? Every time I hear from them it hurts just a little bit again. Do I just try to be open and let time heal everything completely? 

    Your BIG problem here:

    Not the Brunch Issue...

    Your problem is that they illegally touched your vehicle --- against the law! -- and that they have an apron strings issue.

    They sound nutty.

    I would tell the both of them -- and the 2 of you do it together --- "We are not happy with your behavior. We will be calling it quits with you until the 2 of you grow up and act your ages and untie the damn apron strings."

    And then cut them off until they can prove that they will let the 2 of you BE!!!

    They sound nutty. Please nip this in the bud and do it now.
    honeybee530NoneForUs
  • There is no middle, there is you and your Dh on one side and his asinine family on the other. I would fully expect this to be a line in the sand issue for DH and I. If your DH isn't laying down the law about the way they treated you and how things will proceed then you have a DH problem too
  • VOR said:
    I don't think your H should be in the middle-I think he should be solidly on your side. He should tell his family that until they apologize to you, they won't be hanging out with you as a couple anymore and won't be welcome in your home. They're lucky you didn't file a police report!

    Yup... this.  And really- YOU aren't putting him in the middle.  His asshole of a family is.  So... why do you keep thinking this is you?

    Honestly- this would probably make me want to have nothing to do with his family.  They clearly don't respect the two of you or think you're capable of making your own decisions.  And over something that is so... DUMB.  It's a brunch.  They don't want to go? Fine.  But why on earth did they care if you went or not?

    PUt aside this "middle" crap and really talk to your DH about this.  this is RIDICULOUS behavior on his family's part and you all really need to decide what kind of role you want them to have in your lives.

    ^^^ Totally agree with these. WTH is wrong with these people?! This is REALLY crazy behavior.

    I don't think I would get over this. Not after two months or two years. 

    Your DH needs to step up and tell his family this was unacceptable and they owe you both an apology. If he won't, you may have a bigger problem here. I 
  • I'm afraid this is just the beginning of things and problems with his family. I hate to imagine that what they will do if you choose to do a holiday with your family over his or if you and your husband make a choice in regards to your life (ex, where you live, how you raise your kids, etc) that they don't agree with, what they will do then. Unfortunately what has been done is done and they aren't going to apologize either. I would try to move forward, limit what things you tell them about what you are doing in your life. You and your husband need to talk and make sure that you are on the same page on things and stand up together against his family, or anyone for that matter, who doesn't agree with any of your life decisions and have a united front & let them know that any behavior from them that is hurtful won't be tolerated.

    They had a right to think the brunch was a dumb idea. They had no right to keep you from going to something you wanted to go to though. I would be afraid to ask them for a ride to the airport for a vacation in fear that they wouldn't like where I was going & make me miss my plane.

    NoneForUs
  • VOR said:
    I don't think your H should be in the middle-I think he should be solidly on your side. He should tell his family that until they apologize to you, they won't be hanging out with you as a couple anymore and won't be welcome in your home. They're lucky you didn't file a police report!

    Yup... this.  And really- YOU aren't putting him in the middle.  His asshole of a family is.  So... why do you keep thinking this is you?

    Honestly- this would probably make me want to have nothing to do with his family.  They clearly don't respect the two of you or think you're capable of making your own decisions.  And over something that is so... DUMB.  It's a brunch.  They don't want to go? Fine.  But why on earth did they care if you went or not?

    PUt aside this "middle" crap and really talk to your DH about this.  this is RIDICULOUS behavior on his family's part and you all really need to decide what kind of role you want them to have in your lives.

    ^^^ Totally agree with these. WTH is wrong with these people?! This is REALLY crazy behavior.

    I don't think I would get over this. Not after two months or two years. 

    Your DH needs to step up and tell his family this was unacceptable and they owe you both an apology. If he won't, you may have a bigger problem here. I 
    I completely agree...I would be expecting an apology and I would be expecting my husband to back me up. This situation is absolutely ridiculous!! His family is putting him in the middle...he needs to know that there is no middle when it comes to this situation...you're his wife, they're crazy and he's on YOUR side. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    puppylove2014
  • They're BSC enough to screw up your car just to keep you from going to a party, because they think it's dumb?  I don't think I'd bother trying to get an apology. They sound completely wacko and clueless! It's probably more effort than it's worth to try get them to understand that they're way out of line. I'd forget about it, move on, and keep a healthy distance from now on!

    For some perspective...
    The rational, adult reaction when you think a party is a dumb idea: Don't go to the party.
    The only people who should be screwing with you car without your knowledge: Car thieves.
    image
  • Your husband needs to aggressively set boundaries with his family and stand up for you. 

    The fact that they felt comfortable with tampering with your car to control where you went shows that your in-laws have not been properly reined in. It sounds they have serious control issues and they can't let go of your husband. 

    First of all, there needs to be consequences for their actions. Your husband needs to tell his family that their behavior was beyond the pale and they need to apologize to you. If they refuse to acknowledge their unacceptable bullshit and respect your decisions as a couple, there is no need for you to be in contact with your in-laws until they do. 
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