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Why drag us into the misery club??

I am so happy I found this board!  I read through a lot of the previous posts and feel the same way as a lot of you ladies!  A bit of background info: my husband and I are both in our early thirties, very happily married, and seriously questioning if we ever want children.  I always thought that I would get that "urge" to have kids like so many other women express, but I still don't feel that urge and I'm not sure if I ever will. Most of our friends already have kids and we are one of the last couples left that are childless. But, here's what I really don't understand: most of our friends that have kids are seriously a shell of their previous selves, the women in particular.  Many of our women friends that have become moms seem totally and completely miserable. All they do is complain about the hardships of parenthood, how they have no time for themselves, etc.  Many of them always seem angry at their husbands.  None of them travel anymore!  Many of our friends literally have not taken a vacation since their honeymoons! It's just too "hard" and too "expensive" with kids.  So, all in all, I'm a little unsure what the appeal is and why are these women pressuring me to have kids??  My husband and I still travel regularly, we enjoy dinners out, have hobbies, and even have time to have ***gasp** intimate times!  From what my women friends tell me, they do not have any of the luxuries in their lives anymore.  It seems like they are miserable and just want another member to enter their misery club!  Does anyone else feel this way?


Re: Why drag us into the misery club??

  • Not trying to convince anybody to have children, but thought I'd respond.

    I believe it is what you want to make of it.  Our little one is only 2 months old, so we haven't had a chance to go anywhere yet in terms of travel/vacation.  However, we are planning a cruise to Europe.  The additional cost of little one coming gets lost in the noise so to speak.  We still go to eat.  Little one comes along in his car carrier and sleeps for the most part.  Trips out are still impromptu, we just have to take a moment to put little one in his seat and make sure we have the diaper bag.  And yes, we still even have sex.....

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I hear you, and I agree that being a parent is prob. what you make of it. With that said though, just from your post alone, you seem happier and more active than 90% of the moms I know/am friends with.

  • i know exactly what you are saying @cantwaitforthefuture. I do know some friends that seem like they are miserable, never have time for themselves or their husbands.  What makes them think they are gonna convince me to join the club?   i guess it goes to the old saying "misery loves company" LOL 

    My DH and I are very happy with our life as it is and have no plans on adding babies to the mix.
  • Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who feels that way! We have a lot of friends with kids and they're ALWAYS complaining about their kids and no free time blah blah yet they're up my you know what about when are you going to have one? We've been clear for years that we don't want one, but they still chime in with the comments. 

    Last week my co-worker complained she couldn't find a babysitter after asking several people just to have a 2 hour dinner (not even a movie) with her husband. Today she said she was excited to move into her new space an have one quiet day without anyone hanging on her all day. Wow, I want one too then! I guess I just can't see an advantage if the kid is always going to be sick, not sleep at night (when I have to work all day) and prevent me from having the little free time I do now with or without my husband. I know not every kid is like that but it doesn't make me want anyone anymore.

    Maybe these mom's just need an outlet to vent that's more appropriate than non-parents and social media? Is there a nest equivalent for moms?
  • Lurking:

    In my experience, parents complain about their children the same way teenagers complain about their parents.  It has very little to do with actually being annoyed.  Instead it's more about having a need to have an identity outside of the parent/child bond.  To elaborate, a teenager may think along the lines of, "If I were old enough to move out of the house I wouldn't have to put up with my parents' crap rules", the same way that a parent complains, "If my kid were old enough to go to preschool I wouldn't have to put up with his crappy attitude".  Or when it comes to money, a teenager would think, "when I make my own money I can buy whatever I want" and a parent would think, "when she's out of diapers I can spend that money on me".  It's basically complaining about not being in complete control of your life--in the case of the teenager this is because of lack of personal responsibilities, in the case of the parent this is because of the stress of being responsible for an external human being.

    Those complaints reach the ears of a lot of child-free adults because of envy at seeing lifestyle choices that are not as easily available to parents (by the parents own choice to have a child).

    The comments about joining the club are usually geared more to society's norm that everyone must settle down and have kids--anyone who doesn't is seen as "different" or "doesn't know better".  I believe that's crap.  I have kids because I want them and I accept the different responsibilities that I have and will have to take on for them.  But, I'm not about to tell someone else to have kids just because I do.
  • And that's all I ask, just respect my decision which really is none of your (the person making the comments, not you on this thread) business. I don't remind that person that they chose to have kids therefore they can't sleep in, can't afford a few days of vacation or have a little more free time. I don't judge them for having 3 instead of 2 children which might have put them over the top in stress. So please don't worry about why I don't have any, want any or when and if I will have any. Please also don't belittle my childless life as if I always have guaranteed free time, extra money and tons of sleep. That's not always the case, even if it was it was my choice.

    I like the other perspective though. I think we all want what we can't have an unfortunately with having children it's either or, you have the joy of kids but you lose the joy of potential free time, disposable income and whatever else. 
  • My husband and I talk about this a lot. All of our parent-friends always ask "sooo...think it' time for you guys to have kids??" then in the same breath talk about how tired they are, broke they are, and frustrated they are with their kids or how crappy their marriage has become because they are always dealing with the above mentioned issues. It makes no sense to me. If you have kids, be thankful, enjoy them, don't complain 24/7. ESPECIALLY if you are encouraging other non-parents to "join the club." I always respond with "you aren't really making having kids very appealing!" in a joking manner, of course.
    I think it's a hard decision to give up the freedom of being married without kids, especially if your marriage is healthy and you enjoy each other's company. We just aren't ready to make that decision yet, and that's okay. Just wish our friends with kids would realize that!
  • I know so many couples who never have kids that are happier and more content in their life than most couples with children. I guess it all depends, of course there are enormous sacrifices to make and consider.
  • I know a lot of folks feel that their lives or families aren't complete without adding to it.  Me, I'm perfectly content without having kids.  I am a step mom and I'm perfectly fine with that.  SD & I always had a good relationship and I'm thankful for the years I was able to do things with her and for her. 

    I never had a desire to be pregnant or give birth; now at 43 I am past the mindset of "one day I may change my mind."  I was 27 when I decided I didn't want my own kids and never looked back, nor do I have any regrets.

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