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My children's father - Am I devaluing myself by associating with him?

HI, Im new here. I NEED some advice.

My childrens father and I broke up 2 years ago. I broke up with him because he stopped helping and started drinking A LOT. All day, and I would come home after a long day at work to find him passed out in a drunken slumber. He didnt help with our 2 children who were very young at the time. I got fed up and moved in with family who live 3 hours away. 

The problem is he has not came to visit us in 2 years! The kids are 3 and 4 and the youngest doesn't remember him. He doesn't pay child support, or send any gifts on birthdays or holidays. Even though he works and makes good money.

He recently started calling me often and we reestablished a friendship. He made promises to be a parent and contribute. He said he wants to be back with me and misses me. We started talking daily and finally upon my own interrogation  he confessed that he lives with his new girlfriend and her 3 kids! I am heart broken and disappointed. 

At Christmas he got her kids gifts but didnt send our kids anything. He still calls me and says he loves me. We talk every day and sometimes he calls me when she falls asleep...He has even talked about how he would cheat on her with me if I were closer. I feel horrible like I'm the "other woman". He said the only reason he started dating her is because he thought we were completely over even though he knew he still had feelings for me. So, now I feel so confused. He said he knows he should break up with his girlfriend because its unfair to her that he still has feelings for me, BUT he says breaking up with her would be mean and he wouldnt want to do her like that.

Am i demeaning myself by still talking to him???  I say I am gonna stop talking to him but he is my childrens father and its SO SO hard. I have this hope that somehow it will work out... or maybe somehow I can make him do right by me and the kids...... He wants me to move near him but Im so afraid that he will just be trying to have his cake and eat it too....
This is so embarrassing for me , and I thank u all for taking the time to read it. 

Re: My children's father - Am I devaluing myself by associating with him?

  • I think you ARE demeaning yourself to keep talking with him. Not only that, but you're going to be caught up in a comparison game: if you didn't talk to him, you wouldn't know he was buying gifts for his girlfriend's children. I understand he's your children's father, but I get the sneaking suspicion that he's just trying to use you for something. Do yourself a favor and get some distance. And don't be embarrassed! We all do unhealthy things from time to time.
    puppylove2014TarponMonoxidenurse714crimsonsaffron
  • It sounds like he is calling purely for the excitement and not at all to check in on his children. I'd end communication and file for child support.
    puppylove2014TarponMonoxideXstatic3333cbmayse
  • It sounds like he is calling purely for the excitement and not at all to check in on his children. I'd end communication and file for child support.
    ^^^^This. Stop being a doormat. End all communication with him and file for child support. If he actually wants to see his children he will file for visitation. 

    I would be willing to bet GF will soon have some kids with him too, or you will find out at least one or two of her kids are his and he's been lying to you. Unless you enjoy a life of drama, drop this loser.

    You are better than being some deadbeat dad's dirty little secret. Act like it.

    And yes, we all do stupid shit from time to time, so don't beat yourself up over it. But...stop before it's more than just a little blip of bad judgement. 
    crimsonsaffron
  • He has no interest in his children. He knows he can manipulate you and use you.  You are so much better than this.

    Change your number if you need to, file for child support, and if you must interact with him it is to be for co-parenting purposes only (though I fear you don't need to worry about that).
    crimsonsaffron
  • He is the definition of a dead beat father.  It is not only unfair of you to be involved in a twisted relationship with him, most importantly it is unfair to your children.  What type of example are you setting for them?  That they deserve to be handed only crumbs of affection and energy from a SO?

    Break all contact immediately and do what you should have done day one- file for child support.  He has a financial responsibility to your children.  Then only do the bare minimum of communication for visitation purposes. 
  • HI, Im new here. I NEED some advice.

    My childrens father and I broke up 2 years ago. I broke up with him because he stopped helping and started drinking A LOT. All day, and I would come home after a long day at work to find him passed out in a drunken slumber.

    Congrats --- you did the right thing by leaving his drunken ass. Are you attending AlAnon?

    He didnt help with our 2 children who were very young at the time. I got fed up and moved in with family who live 3 hours away. 

    The problem is he has not came to visit us in 2 years! The kids are 3 and 4 and the youngest doesn't remember him. He doesn't pay child support, or send any gifts on birthdays or holidays. Even though he works and makes good money.

    You need to lawyer up and get this guy for back child support --- did you have an agreement with an attorney when you left this guy?

    I don't think it is too late to go after him for child support --- get an attorney tomorow and start the ball rolling. He can't leave his kids high and dry.

    He recently started calling me often and we reestablished a friendship. He made promises to be a parent and contribute. He said he wants to be back with me and misses me. We started talking daily and finally upon my own interrogation  he confessed that he lives with his new girlfriend and her 3 kids! I am heart broken and disappointed.

    Be madder than hell at him --- because he is neglecting your kids and no doubt he's the fantastic dad and provider for somebody else's children.

    Lawyer up and get his ass for back child support and current child support.

    And you want his "friendship" because why???? Man alIve!  And exactly as i said: he provides for those kids but...not for yours and his:

    At Christmas he got her kids gifts but didnt send our kids anything.

    He still calls me and says he loves me. We talk every day and sometimes he calls me when she falls asleep...He has even talked about how he would cheat on her with me if I were closer.

    End this "friendship" with him --- and only have back child support as a goal. he sounds like a pig and I will bet you he is still drinking -- he probably has not gone to AA and/or rehab and he isn't clean. and sober.. 


    I feel horrible like I'm the "other woman". He said the only reason he started dating her is because he thought we were completely over even though he knew he still had feelings for me. So, now I feel so confused. He said he knows he should break up with his girlfriend because its unfair to her that he still has feelings for me, BUT he says breaking up with her would be mean and he wouldnt want to do her like that.

    Am i demeaning myself by still talking to him???  I say I am gonna stop talking to him but he is my childrens father and its SO SO hard. I have this hope that somehow it will work out... or maybe somehow I can make him do right by me and the kids...... He wants me to move near him but Im so afraid that he will just be trying to have his cake and eat it too....
    This is so embarrassing for me , and I thank u all for taking the time to read it. 
    Get rid of this "friendship."

    Stop communicating with him -- and get an attorney for child support.

    Any communication you will have iwth him is in regard to the child support and that will be done via your attorney.

    you are using this bum to fill a void. Don't go down this path. Change your phone numbers and everything else that he has and if he sends you a snail mail letter, shred it or mark it "Return to Sender" and put it back in the mailbox.
  • Look at what you have written. What would you say if it were written by your daughter or your friend? Wouldn't you advise her to cut off all contact except via court orders to pay child support?
    dutchgirl76
  • I agree with the PP regarding good job for making the difficult decision to leave him when you did. On another note, do I think it's good that you have been able to put things in the past & start talking to him, yes I actually do. It will make things easier when it comes to your kids. Now when it comes to the GF, if he's not happy he needs to leave her & not use you as an excuse. I think if I were in your position I would tell him your happy that he is cleaning up his life and that if he wants to develop a relationship with his kids you would be happy for that & that he is welcome to come and visit them on weekends. And that if he wants to move closer to you he needs to do it to be there and have a relationship with his kids and not for you.

     I get you guys were probably best friends at one point while you were together & with him being sober you find it very easy to talk to each other about things in your lives. So basically it's like getting your best friend back. But unfortunately I don't think he's being 100% fair to you or his current GF. He hid her initially from you and my guess he's hiding you from her. You need to try adjust this friendship to being about you being able to trust him as a father & him developing a relationship with his kids & nothing more then that. I'm not totally against you two being friends because having two parents that get along & can stand being in the same room with each other does make things easier for the kids. But that's as far as it should go, being able to call each other, update each other on the kids and talk about problems the kids are having and how to handle them.

     If he isn't currently paying child support I would look into getting that taken care. Even if you don't really need the money, then put it away for the kids for college. And for falling off the earth so he can't contact you, I'm not sure I would do that. The reason is is that if I were in your position and my kids asked me someday why their dad was never around, you can tell them honestly why you left him & and you moved on from there leave it at that. But if you cut off all forms of him being able to contact you, I would hate for him to come back years down the road if your kids find him & they go "Dad, why didn't you ever call?" and he respond "I did talk your mom a few years after you left but then she stopped talking to me & changed her phone number & she returned all my letters to you, so bascially she stopped me from seeing you."  Then you look like the bad guy that kept their dad away and not dad being the bad guy.

    short+sassy
  • THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE RESPONSES.

    I have so much thinking to do. I was asked do I attend AL-Alnon, No but , I need to be... And I plan to check into it today.

    I feel as though, I am so much better than this situation. However, there is this gut feeling that somehow I can get him to change! smh.... its so foolish.... 

    I keep thinking how can I explain to my kids why I am talking to their father even though he is neglecting them and taking care of other children.... Its pathetic...The reason is, I think I can make him appreciate what amazing children we have.... IF he would just spend the time with them, he would see. .. And Im pretty great too... He just doesn't see it like I do, I guess...

    I dont want to be some deadbeat dads secret...the sound of that sounds like Im such a big loser...AND I know I'm not, so UI have to step it up!!  I have contacted a lawyer and talked to them and I can get back child support.

    THE BIG QUESTION- why in the WORLD, would I ever wanna be his friend??? I think TarponMonoxide said it perfectly, for some reason I am using him to fill some sort of void...and it works for awhile but when I really think about it I feel horrible not only for myself, but for my children because I know they especially deserve so much more than 'crumbs of affection'. 

    Thank you all for such realness and honesty. My goal is to file for child support and keep conversation very limited. If that doesnt work than I can block his number. Also,I will keep gping to counseling because I know I need it.

    Thanks!
    Erikan73BlueBirdMB
  • I think you're on the right track, OP.  One thing that stuck out from your post: You cannot make him see how wonderful your children are.  He doesn't want to see it.  All children are wonderful and all children deserve parents who can see that and love them to bits, but he doesn't, and nothing you do will ever change that.
    crimsonsaffroncbmayseshort+sassy
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I think you're on the right track, OP.  One thing that stuck out from your post: You cannot make him see how wonderful your children are.  He doesn't want to see it.  All children are wonderful and all children deserve parents who can see that and love them to bits, but he doesn't, and nothing you do will ever change that.
    Yup. Yup, Yup.  You can't "make" him do anything.  You've GOT to come to grips with that.  Once you do, I actually think you'll be able to move on. 
  • I think you should feel horrible for talking to him every day.  He does NOT appreciate you or what you can or will do for him and certainly does NOT appreciate your children because instead of him worrying about seeing his kids he's more interested in getting you to be his side chick.

    You are devaluing yourself immensely and you need to put a stop to this asap!  Don't speak to him unless it's about the kids and not everyday either and take him to child support.  Tell him he needs to show with actions that he cares about his kids by visiting them because 3 hours is not a bad drive or bus ride for him to go see them and he needs to spend time with them.

  • Congratulations on walking away. I second the post about Al-Anon it works wonders, you really don't understand the effects an alcoholic has on you until you get some counseling. Be VERY careful with alcoholics/addicts and those who struggle with addiction but don't know it. It's a vicious cycle that will keep you coming back when he has his good sober periods. Remember why you left him in the first place. If you literally have to write that down somewhere you, but your children can't see (mirror in your bedroom?) do it, remind yourself every time you start to think oh we should be friends why you're not with him. It's not easy, but it's necessary for you and your children period. I've had first hand experience living with alcoholic parents and s/o's. In certain areas Al-Anon has meetings every single day, all different times of the day, it can be scary at first so ask for a beginners meeting. I've talked to an individual counselor as well, that can help, especially with the other issues you mention.

    For those saying feel bad for talking to him, cut her some slack it's the father of her child. Yes you should walk away but how can you not feel guilt for leaving your child without a father? If you're lucky enough to have never experienced life with addiction be happy it's a miserable life and very hard to walk away from. I applaud this poster for leaving and being so strong, I'm sure others out there stay for the children's sake.

    I think everyone's drilled home the point about getting a lawyer and making him pay child support. End communication with him now, you never know how these conversations could hurt you in court down the road even if you're not doing anything wrong.

    I wish you could tell the GF what he's doing, woman to woman I think she deserves to know what an a-hole he really is, but you need to get away from this guy as much as possible. Eventually she'll find out, sadly I can't imagine you'll be the only person he does this too.

    All I can do is wish you luck. I know it's not easy and I can't imagine what you're going through. Counseling and support groups can help. 
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