Trouble in Paradise
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Newlywed Disaster

Sorry this is long.
My husband and I have only been married for 4 months after 3 years of dating both long distance, close distance and finally living together shortly.
I have never felt more lonely and depressed in my life than I do now. Trust me, I know that I am not exactly a joy to be around right now. I'm sad or angry most days. I'm depressed, without a doubt.
But it is difficult for me NOT to blame my husband for where I'm at. He is emotionally unavailable, we have a lack of intimacy and he refuses to take any responsibility for our issues. He loves making fat jokes (I'm 5'7" and 140), he "jokingly" calls me a retard (he's still baffled as to how I don't think that's funny)... the list goes on. When I need him to be my support system, he bails and goes to his computer or locks himself in a room to read a book. I can be crying and he will lay or sit next to me and not reach out a hand or ask if I'm ok. It's like human emotion has no bearing on him.
In his defense, he has taken my daughter on as his own, he is very intelligent and successful and I really do think he could figure out how to be more present in our relationship if he actually cared. I talk to him about the issues on a regular basis and his response is always, "I'll try to work on that."
We have (from the outside looking in) a nice life. We have a healthy daughter, a beautiful home, great jobs and we are able to take regular vacations.
As difficult as it is, I get up every morning and choose to make an effort to treat him as I'd like to be treated. Kiss him goodmorning, send him loving texts, join him for lunch, tell him how handsome he is, let him know I appreciate his help with my daughter. Getting nothing in return is beginning to wear on me and honestly I am beginning to think these actions and expressions by me give him a false sense that things are ok.
I don't want to be in this relationship but I also don't want to give up on the potential we have.
I think I really need a support system.
Any words of wisdom or encouragement are so very much appreciated!

Re: Newlywed Disaster

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I need to know more. After 3 years, why did you marry him? PLEASE do not say that he wasn't like this before. Someone doesn't change that drastically.
  • Sorry this is long.
    My husband and I have only been married for 4 months after 3 years of dating both long distance, close distance and finally living together shortly.
    I have never felt more lonely and depressed in my life than I do now. Trust me, I know that I am not exactly a joy to be around right now. I'm sad or angry most days. I'm depressed, without a doubt.
    But it is difficult for me NOT to blame my husband for where I'm at. He is emotionally unavailable, we have a lack of intimacy and he refuses to take any responsibility for our issues. He loves making fat jokes (I'm 5'7" and 140), he "jokingly" calls me a retard (he's still baffled as to how I don't think that's funny)... the list goes on. When I need him to be my support system, he bails and goes to his computer or locks himself in a room to read a book. I can be crying and he will lay or sit next to me and not reach out a hand or ask if I'm ok. It's like human emotion has no bearing on him.
    In his defense, he has taken my daughter on as his own, he is very intelligent and successful and I really do think he could figure out how to be more present in our relationship if he actually cared. I talk to him about the issues on a regular basis and his response is always, "I'll try to work on that."
    We have (from the outside looking in) a nice life. We have a healthy daughter, a beautiful home, great jobs and we are able to take regular vacations.
    As difficult as it is, I get up every morning and choose to make an effort to treat him as I'd like to be treated. Kiss him goodmorning, send him loving texts, join him for lunch, tell him how handsome he is, let him know I appreciate his help with my daughter. Getting nothing in return is beginning to wear on me and honestly I am beginning to think these actions and expressions by me give him a false sense that things are ok.
    I don't want to be in this relationship but I also don't want to give up on the potential we have.
    I think I really need a support system.
    Any words of wisdom or encouragement are so very much appreciated!
    I agree with the above. If he was like this during the time you lived together, this is the way he is. It will be a long struggle to get him to change, and it would require counseling, patience, and heartache. And it's likely that it will never be entirely better. Sorry that sounds bleak, but I ignored some concerns when I got married, and after 8 years and counseling I finally realized that we really weren't right for each other, no matter how much we loved each other.
    image
  • If you are concerned that you might be depressed, please seek out a doctor. Even if this is a result of your current marriage issues, you could still find help either through talking with someone or taking medication. When you are depressed, dealing with ANYthing else, even small things, can be super challenging. Maybe when you get the help, the problems with your marriage will still be the same, but you will be more prepared to handle it. Or maybe, when you get help, you'll have a new perspective on the situation and you will be able to feel more love from your husband. 

    It sounds like you guys could really use some counseling help. Do you think he'd be willing to try that? 
  • No, you are right, some things were very much an issue before the wedding.
    Here is the run down:
    During the first 2 years we dated from across the country. He would fly in to see me every 3 weeks or so. On top of that we were forced to communicate through phone calls, texts and emails in order to keep the relationship moving. He was *better at expressing his feelings then because he had to be and he was putting forth great effort for the visits.
    After that he moved to the same state as me but 2 hours away. Normally he would drive out Friday evening and stay through Monday morning plus drive out again on Wednesday nights. This was probably the start of him not expressing emotions like he once had.
    6 months later he got a great job here and moved in. I am not sure if it has continually gotten worse since he moved in or if it just takes its toll more and more as time passes. Plus being around him every day feels like daily rejection.
    He was very happy and emotional on our wedding day and at one point in our relationship he did express his feelings... these are things I cling to for hope.
    To sum it up, things have changed from day 1 BUT there were definitely red flags I chose to ignore.
  • Simplyelise,
    Thank you for your input. I have an appointment to see my doctor for antidepressants. I will be seeing a therapist no matter what, but he has yet to decide if he is completely on board to attend with me.
    I know that I'm not in a place to make any huge life decisions right now.

    Like I said in my original post, I do know that I'm not exactly a treat to be around right now. I think my getting healthier has to be the first step in order to really assess.
    simplyelisecbmayse
  • He sounds like a sociopath.  No way could I stay in this relationship.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
    TarponMonoxideheartbot
  • monmacdon said:
    Sorry this is long. My husband and I have only been married for 4 months after 3 years of dating both long distance, close distance and finally living together shortly. I have never felt more lonely and depressed in my life than I do now. Trust me, I know that I am not exactly a joy to be around right now. I'm sad or angry most days. I'm depressed, without a doubt. But it is difficult for me NOT to blame my husband for where I'm at. He is emotionally unavailable, we have a lack of intimacy and he refuses to take any responsibility for our issues. He loves making fat jokes (I'm 5'7" and 140), he "jokingly" calls me a retard (he's still baffled as to how I don't think that's funny)... the list goes on.


    At 5'7" with a small frame --- I don't know how large your frame is --- you might be a degree on the chunky side but I am guessing you look just fine.

    He sounds immature and cruel to me.

    I wold like to know precisely why you married somebody who makes jokes you do not appreciate. And as a PP said, please don't tell us this only began after you got married.

    None of this bodes well --- this is grounds for annulment, the no sex part in particular.

    And yes, he had to be like that before you married him.

    I would sit him down and tell him to cut all of the bullshit out -- the "jokes" the name calling and to cut out the lack of giving it up to you --- or you will have this sham marriage annulled.

    See if that whacks some sense into him.

    For now, I think you should pack it in and head to an attorney ahd get this mess annulled. If he is this horrid to you now, he will be for life.

    When I need him to be my support system, he bails and goes to his computer or locks himself in a room to read a book. I can be crying and it has no bearing on him. In his defense, he has taken my daughter on as his own, he is very intelligent and successful and I really do think he could figure out how to be more present in our relationship if he actually cared. I talk to him about the issues on a regular basis and his response is always, "I'll try to work on that." We have (from the outside looking in) a nice life. We have a healthy daughter, a beautiful home, great jobs and we are able to take regular vacations. As difficult as it is, I get up every morning and choose to make an effort to treat him as I'd like to be treated. Kiss him goodmorning, send him loving texts, join him for lunch, tell him how handsome he is, let him know I appreciate his help with my daughter. Getting nothing in return is beginning to wear on me and honestly I am beginning to think these actions and expressions by me give him a false sense that things are ok. I don't want to be in this relationship but I also don't want to give up on the potential we have. I think I really need a support system. Any words of wisdom or encouragement are so very much appreciated!
    Get rid of him stat.

    You're nuts in the head if you stay with him for one more moment.

    Counseling for you. You wittingly married this creep --- and if you think this "marriage" has potential, I have 3 or 4 bridges i want to sell you, not just one. 
  • No, you are right, some things were very much an issue before the wedding.

    What a surprise! I'd never have guessed....

    Here is the run down:
    During the first 2 years we dated from across the country. He would fly in to see me every 3 weeks or so. On top of that we were forced to communicate through phone calls, texts and emails in order to keep the relationship moving. He was *better at expressing his feelings then because he had to be and he was putting forth great effort for the visits.

    After that he moved to the same state as me but 2 hours away. Normally he would drive out Friday evening and stay through Monday morning plus drive out again on Wednesday nights. This was probably the start of him not expressing emotions like he once had.

    6 months later he got a great job here and moved in. I am not sure if it has continually gotten worse since he moved in or if it just takes its toll more and more as time passes. Plus being around him every day feels like daily rejection.

    He was very happy and emotional on our wedding day and at one point in our relationship he did express his feelings... these are things I cling to for hope.
    To sum it up, things have changed from day 1 BUT there were definitely red flags I chose to ignore.


    This still tells me positively nothing.

    You can't stay with him. There is nothing here for you --- just go. If you own nothing jointly with this creep and your daughter is not *legally* his --- that is, if he is not her legally adoptive father --- this is all the more easy for you to take your daughter and pack up and go.

    I would do it about a hour after he has left for work. Take your clothes and your personal effects and those of your child's and get out of there before he comes home.Let him figure it out; maybe he will notice the 2 of you have gone. And if the doesn't....who cares! His problem!

    what is in this for him that he married you? Money? Fancy clothes? What's up that this pig decided to grace YOU with the joys of his husbandship?

    RUN LIKE HELL.

    And do it TODAY.

    Wishing you luck.


  • I've seen a case like this once before.  I truly believe she married her husband for one reason and one reason only- she wanted a father for her daughter and he was willing to be that.  I believe he married her for one reason only- he had grown to love her daughter and didn't want to leave the daughter.  And then they got married and got into a HUGE mess.

    You need to make a clean break.  Get divorced now and look back at this as a brief time in your life where you made a mistake you will learn from.
  • I've seen a case like this once before.  I truly believe she married her husband for one reason and one reason only- she wanted a father for her daughter and he was willing to be that.  I believe he married her for one reason only- he had grown to love her daughter and didn't want to leave the daughter.  And then they got married and got into a HUGE mess.

    You need to make a clean break.  Get divorced now and look back at this as a brief time in your life where you made a mistake you will learn from.
    My exact thoughts.  The qualities she listed that made him a great guy focused mainly on her DD and superficial things.  I wouldn't care if he treated your DD like a perfect little princess.  If he isn't treating the queen like royalty then he's (and mom) teaching her DD how to be treated as well.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    heartbot
  • edited January 2015
    WTF Tarpon "you might be a bit on the chunky side" WTF

    I said "might be.":)

    That's a conditional clause.  People have all size frames -- a friend of mine weighed about the same and she had a smallish-medium size frame and she showed her weight.

    We wouldn't know how "chunky" you are until you showed us a fulllenght photo, OP and we're not going to demand you show it.

    You could be a size 4 or size 6. I don't know --- but at any rate, why didn't you tell your H to cut it out when he called you a name the first time??? And let it be known he can't do that?

    Okay -- ya got me....under no circumstances should your spouse say you re fat, no matter what size you are.;

    I really didn't mean it in an insulting way.

    It's never ok to make jokes about people's appearance, if she weighed 500lbs, had a squint and spat when she spoke, it's still not ok. It's abusive, if a partner has concerns about your health it can be expressed in a caring manner but not as a fat joke.
     
  • WTF Tarpon "you might be a bit on the chunky side" WTF It's never ok to make jokes about people's appearance, if she weighed 500lbs, had a squint and spat when she spoke, it's still not ok. It's abusive, if a partner has concerns about your health it can be expressed in a caring manner but not as a fat joke.
    That's fucking bullshit Tarpon.
    there is no excuse for that comment or explanation.



    nurse714RunningWifeyHolyGlow
  • WTF Tarpon "you might be a bit on the chunky side" WTF It's never ok to make jokes about people's appearance, if she weighed 500lbs, had a squint and spat when she spoke, it's still not ok. It's abusive, if a partner has concerns about your health it can be expressed in a caring manner but not as a fat joke.
    That's fucking bullshit Tarpon.
    there is no excuse for that comment or explanation.

    No shit Tarpon, since when is 5'7" and 140 even CLOSE to being chunky? I don't think this poster wanted you to dissect her weight. I think she wanted advice on how to deal with her relationship. Keep your nose out of other people's appearances.
    heartbotHolyGlow
  • WTF Tarpon "you might be a bit on the chunky side" WTF It's never ok to make jokes about people's appearance, if she weighed 500lbs, had a squint and spat when she spoke, it's still not ok. It's abusive, if a partner has concerns about your health it can be expressed in a caring manner but not as a fat joke.

    THIS!!!!!!!!!!

    Like someone else said he's a sociopath. Leave and do it NOW!

  • puppylove2014puppylove2014 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    It sounds like you married him because he was willing to be a father to your daughter. Kids grow up. Then what?

    You hit the nail on the head, he's emotionally unavailable. Google it. It can be overcome, but not easily and only if someone really wants to. Get out now. He is not your problem to fix.

    You made a mistake marrying an asshole you didn't know well enough. It happens. You will be ok. Do not stay in this and model this for your daughter. You both deserve better.
  • Thank you all so much for your input! I sincerely appreciate it. On Friday evening I sat down with him and told him that at this point I am ready for a divorce. I told him that I will give it 3 months so I can see my doctor as well as a therapist regarding my depression and "level out" before making that final decision.
    Since this talk my step father found out he will lose his foot to diabetes and has also been diagnosed with kidney cancer. My husband has done a surprisingly good job being there as support for my family.
    It's been a tough few months here. We will see where we go from here. Thanks again, everyone.
    cbmayseheartbot
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