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Toxic, insane, friendship..... Long vent

So my husband and I have share a best friend. He stated out more my friend but has grown to be part of our family. We all are very honest with each other and know what is said is never to be mean. I honestly value this person a great deal. I will be having my first child in May and he has been so supportive. My issue is his girlfriend of 2 years started of pretty cool. Laid back, did her own thing but also joined us when we all hung out. I even shared some one on one time with her. However the last year their relationship grew toxic. She read his phone and found a text that was honestly inappropriate with another women, whom we all knew. This took place at a bbq at my home. She through a huge scene, I mean screaming so loud my neighbors came out. No matter how much My husband and I begged them to either leave or come inside they just kept fighting. My friend did his best, but the girl wanted everyone to be a part of the fight. This sadly was the start of a horrible trend. Every time we were all together she found something to scream about and usually it took place in my yard. I became very disgusted by her behavior. She chooses to stay and he chooses to put up with it. It stated affecting our friendship. I couldn’t stand how much he lied to her, and hated she was so desperate to keep him that she put up with the lies.

 

Finally last month I had a party for my husband’s birthday, his last before we have a kid. I made a friend feast and bought booze. I knew she had gone to a funeral, not of anyone she was close to, but I knew she would already be in a mood. I asked my friend to not bring her if he thought she couldn't behave and let the night be about my husband. He spoke with her and she was going to behave. Needless to say she got sloshed, as always, and started removing some of her clothes and even wiggled  her tits at my husband. I looked right at her and said are freaking serious. She smile said yes and did it again. I was livid, I already thought this girl was a hot mess, now add a disrespectful one. I told her boyfriend to take her and go before I slapped her and tossed her on her butt. I waited a week before I had her over to talk adult to adult. However she made up excuses after excuse. She even went as far as saying I was judging everything about her and made feel un welcomed. I explained a million times that I have every right to be mad, she showed her chest to a married man, who honestly hates her, and continues to start fights in my house with her boyfriend. I said what they do in private is their business but in my home that behavior is not welcomed and won’t be tolerated.

 

She ran out, crying to my best friend that I tossed her out, wouldn't let her explain, and basically was a bully. My friend knew better and got the facts from me before hand. They fought and fought. He swore they were done this time. Well now they are about to move in together. I honestly am at a loss for words. He has spent a year telling everyone she is never going to be his wife, he would ask for an abortion if she got pregnant, lies to her, talks bad about her, and is always wanting to breakup. I told him he is like family but he has to either be in the relationship or do them both a favor and really end it. Now we see him, not as often, but don’t have to deal with her. This is pretty much fine with me. However, it seems so insane he would want to live this way. It’s a side of him I really don’t know how to handle. He is our best friend, family, and we are just going to go on disliking this women, how does that work? I don’t think he should break up with her because we hate her, that’s insane, but again if he sees the crazy, admits it’s crazy, why stay.

He comes to us and vents and wants our honest advice. He agrees with me about everything I said to his girlfriend and even told her if he had to choose she wouldn't be the winner. He is still pretty young, but she is almost 30. What women is ok with these things. I don’t even like her, but I have told her that no women deserves this behavior. However she has never been able to keep a man longer than 5 months, other than my friend. She pays for everything, it’s almost like she is paying to keep him. After every single fight she is like the perfect girlfriend for a week and then back to crazy. I really want none of this in my life nor in my Child's life. Hints why she is no longer welcomed around us. However I feel this will end a long, close friendship, no matter how much he tells us it won’t. Sorry so long needed to vent. It’s starting to make me feel crazy. 

Re: Toxic, insane, friendship..... Long vent

  • Your friend sounds like a real gem. You know he is the problem here, right? He has no right to drag his sideshow over to your house repeatedly to cause chaos. Why you would put up with it is beyond me.

    You keep saying he is like family. Would you really put up with these shenanigans from family? 

    Who knows if his girlfriend is batshit crazy, or perfectly lovely. HE is driving her nuts either way. Why she puts up with it is none of your concern.

    Stay away from both of them and cut him out of your life until HE can behave like a balanced, reasonable grown-up and keep similar company. As people grow up, it's normal to grow apart from those who want to keep up the drama and not grow up. He may be one of those people.

    You're about to have a baby. Soon this will be the least of your concerns. 
    nella6066
  • Kudos to you for talking to them both about it; it's not easy to confront people, especially when you know how childish they can be.

    I have to agree with puppylove - this sounds like your friend's problem. Why is he staying in what sounds like a terribly toxic relationship... and taking it to the next step?! Does he live with friends or with his parents or what? In other words, is he trying to escape one bad living situation for another?

    I don't know, I would try distancing yourself from both of them and see if that changes anything. He might get scared if he notices his two best friends aren't around as much, and if he doesn't care that you're not around, then you have your answer. It's a win-win situation for you! Minus all the heartbreak of potentially losing a friend, of course.
  • So let me get this straight, your friend cheats on his girlfriend, lets her pay for everything, would tell her to get an abortion if she were to get pregnant and she is the terrible person ?

    I really don't know what to tell you,  terrible people tend to attract other terrible people.  Even if he was to get rid of this girlfriend, the next one might not be much better.  

    Time to take your blinders off regarding this friend and have higher standards for yourself.  
  • I don't disagree my friend has some growing to do, his behavior is not ok. But he is young and finding his way. He is family because when I was in a bad place he stood by me and helped me find myself again. He is immature for sure but has always been there for us when we need help or encouragement. My distaste for her is honestly thinking she can show her tits to my husband. The lack of respect she shows when in my home. And every chance she gets tries to stir a problem between my friend in I. She is insecure and hates how close he and I are. I just think when your like almost 30 it's time to grow up. He, though just as immature and part of the problem, is like a little brother. I live far from my family, so I value those who have shown they can love and support me like my blood would. He knows how I feel about his behavior and truly hears me out when I have to be blunt. I guess I just wish he could learn that life doesn't have to be so dramatic, stressful, and toxic. But I do know at one time I was the same way. Just needed to vent.
  • bambiT86 said:

    So my husband and I have share a best friend. He stated out more my friend but has grown to be part of our family. We all are very honest with each other and know what is said is never to be mean. I honestly value this person a great deal. I will be having my first child in May and he has been so supportive. My issue is his girlfriend of 2 years started of pretty cool. Laid back, did her own thing but also joined us when we all hung out. I even shared some one on one time with her. However the last year their relationship grew toxic.

    She read his phone and found a text that was honestly inappropriate with another women, whom we all knew. This took place at a bbq at my home. She through a huge scene, I mean screaming so loud my neighbors came out.

    When this began, you needed to get her off the scene as quickly as possible -- hustle her into the house and do it asap. Keeping her there would worsen the scene.

    Based on this, perhaps it is time to tell your guy pal that he should rething bringing his girlfriend to any event at your home.

    This is going to be touchy. he may toss a fit and storm off and not contact you and your H ever again -- but then again, do you need a prize fight at your home? This is a powder keg you've got.

    I am willing to bet she had more than a few drinks in her when this scene began -- am I right? if that was the case, you've got a double problem.:(

    No matter how much My husband and I begged them to either leave or come inside they just kept fighting. My friend did his best, but the girl wanted everyone to be a part of the fight. This sadly was the start of a horrible trend. Every time we were all together she found something to scream about and usually it took place in my yard.

    As i said: she should not be welcome atyour home ever again.:(


    I became very disgusted by her behavior. She chooses to stay and he chooses to put up with it. It stated affecting our friendship. I couldn’t stand how much he lied to her, and hated she was so desperate to keep him that she put up with the lies.

     

    Finally last month I had a party for my husband’s birthday, his last before we have a kid. I made a friend feast and bought booze. I knew she had gone to a funeral, not of anyone she was close to, but I knew she would already be in a mood. I asked my friend to not bring her if he thought she couldn't behave and let the night be about my husband. He spoke with her and she was going to behave.


    Was she drinking a lot, I queried...and bingo, i was right...please do not permit either one of them to come to your home ever again; you are baiting the trap and asking for trouble and you are likely to lose some of the other party attendees you call friends.

    Needless to say she got sloshed, as always, and started removing some of her clothes and even wiggled  her tits at my husband. I looked right at her and said are freaking serious. She smile said yes and did it again.

    Do not allow her to come into your home.

    Or her boyfriend, either.

    The both of them are bananas and have rocks in their heads.

    I was livid, I already thought this girl was a hot mess, now add a disrespectful one. I told her boyfriend to take her and go before I slapped her and tossed her on her butt.

    I am going to say it first:

    0You asked for this.

    You did by virtue of the fact you keep inviting her and him even though she gets shitfaced and causes a scene.

    You KNOW she is going to put on a show and start a fight when she is with you and you know she drinks too much. End the friedndship. Case closed.

    I waited a week before I had her over to talk adult to adult. However she made up excuses after excuse. She even went as far as saying I was judging everything about her and made feel un welcomed. I explained a million times that I have every right to be mad, she showed her chest to a married man, who honestly hates her, and continues to start fights in my house with her boyfriend. I said what they do in private is their business but in my home that behavior is not welcomed and won’t be tolerated.


    Wow, end the friendship!

     

    She ran out, crying to my best friend that I tossed her out, wouldn't let her explain, and basically was a bully. My friend knew better and got the facts from me before hand. They fought and fought. He swore they were done this time. Well now they are about to move in together. I honestly am at a loss for words. He has spent a year telling everyone she is never going to be his wife, he would ask for an abortion if she got pregnant, lies to her, talks bad about her, and is always wanting to breakup. I told him he is like family but he has to either be in the relationship or do them both a favor and really end it. Now we see him, not as often, but don’t have to deal with her. This is pretty much fine with me. However, it seems so insane he would want to live this way. It’s a side of him I really don’t know how to handle. He is our best friend, family, and we are just going to go on disliking this women, how does that work? I don’t think he should break up with her because we hate her, that’s insane, but again if he sees the crazy, admits it’s crazy, why stay.

    He comes to us and vents and wants our honest advice. He agrees with me about everything I said to his girlfriend and even told her if he had to choose she wouldn't be the winner. He is still pretty young, but she is almost 30. What women is ok with these things. I don’t even like her, but I have told her that no women deserves this behavior. However she has never been able to keep a man longer than 5 months, other than my friend. She pays for everything, it’s almost like she is paying to keep him. After every single fight she is like the perfect girlfriend for a week and then back to crazy. I really want none of this in my life nor in my Child's life. Hints why she is no longer welcomed around us. However I feel this will end a long, close friendship, no matter how much he tells us it won’t. Sorry so long needed to vent. It’s starting to make me feel crazy. 

    End the frienship.

    Tell this "guy friend" of yours that he and his drunkassed girlfriend are no longer welcome in your lives.

    And that's that.
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