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Living with in-laws driving me crazy

Hi

I've just signed up as I need somewhere to vent!  14 years ago my husband, myself and 3 young children were renting with the view to buy somewhere. He suggested we buy somewhere with his parents - we had no choice actually as they were living with husband's sister. She got married, new husband said he wouldn't live with them (smart guy) so they needed somewhere to live. Cue us. Husband's mother put a substantial deposit in , as did we. We bought a place with 2 seperate homes, 1 large 4 bed house, and another smaller one. They are literally 5 steps away from each other. Condition was they would pay a LITTLE bit of rent and help towards bills they used.

3 years ago, one of the in-laws went into a home due to poor health so now we have one left. Living 5 steps away. That meant the remaining in-law was present for every evening meal - which I began to resent - I was never cooked for and I'd been doing it for years for them. It also meant that suddenly the help with the mortgage came to a complete halt!! Not a word, nothing. So now I'm feeding and paying everything.

14 years on , I've had enough. I am suffocating just knowing inlaw is there. EVERY day. They are very passive which sometimes is extremely annoying as I can never say they are rude, derogatry or mean. It's just so passive.  It's making me ill and I really don't want anyone there at all anymore. We've lived as  a 'normal' family for just 4 years of our marriage. Crazy! I am feeling so resentful and have done for many years now. If I talk about this with my partner, he says he'll change it - and he would - but I say No as then I'd be the bad guy in the situation and I couldn't live with myself knowing I was the catalyst for making them move out. So I'm stuck! I don't go over there any more as I can;t bear to see the in-law. I can't bear to hear them talking either - I just completley avoid it all together.

Arrrrhhhh Rant over.

 

Re: Living with in-laws driving me crazy

  • IMO you're driving yourself insane by not putting a stop to it. But would your husband really agree with you and go along with it? It seems he never has before, since it was his insistence in the first place.
  • Isn't there any bright side to look on? Your kids got to have grandparents so close while they were growing up. You don't have to spend time worrying, wondering, and checking on the IL's as they age since they're right there. You're even down to only having one left due to the other being in a home. They aren't actually IN your home. 

    If you want more privacy, ask for it. If you're tired of feeding remaining parent every day, look into senior meals on wheels. This could take some pressure off. As far as paying, can they afford to pay something? If not, you should have known this to begin with. You two were aware of their income when entering this arrangement. You husband needs to deal with the money aspect. 

    While I can understand some of your frustration, you agreed to this. Where do you want this IL to go now? If you just couldn't stand this arrangement, it should have been dealt with a long time ago. Maybe your IL is so passive because they don't want to upset you and can tell you can't stand them. I actually feel really bad for this remaining parent. It's bad enough their spouse has been put in a home, now they are lonely and have to live their remaining years where they clearly aren't wanted.
    janined22noffgurlCandaceLafleur
  • I can't believe that you are here complaining about someone that has clearly done nothing to you, look into the future many years from now and envision yourself in this situation and how you would feel if you were now a burden to your son or daughter because their spouse thinks you're too nice and just your presence bothers them.  You wouldn't like it and it would hurt you wouldn't it?

    This parent lost their spouse to a senior home and is now most likely feeling very lonely and now they have to deal with you acting like you don't want them there.  Will you be like this with your kids? Is a plate of food that much to you that you can't stand giving them a meal?  Are you the only one working that you say you are supporting them?  Does your husband work as well?

    I would hate for one of my parents to end up living in a situation like this one because that would be a very miserable life that no one deserves especially if they haven't done anything to you.

    puppylove2014
  • Is this a cultural thing?  They've been living with YOU for 14 years and before that, they lived w/ their other child.  I can't imagine that it was initially out of being too old to live alone - especially when most of their time living "with" you has actually been in a separate house.

    your DH seems willing to work with you on this -he says he'll change it.  But then you say "no" because you don't want to be the bad guy.

    Figure out what would work for you.  If you don't want them over EVERY single day for EVERY meal, then see if your DH can talk to them about you all having some quiet family time. 

    While I agree that it doesn't seem all that horrible (their actions) - at the same time, I can also understand how having another person there ALL.THE.TIME can become too much.  But there is a lot of room between their being there all the time and moving out.  Tlak to your DH about the MANY possible middle ground options.
    simplyelise
  • Sounds like in law that is left is lonley and you need some time to yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. Here are my recommendations, maybe one or more of them will help. You didn't say if it was dad or mom in nursing home, so for sake of conversation, I'm going to say dad is in nursing home

    • First can you drop mom off maybe one or two nights a week at the nursing home to visit & where it would fall over dinner time so mom & dad can have dinner together & you and hubby can do whatever you want on those nights. If you can, have those be set nights so mom & dad know that on Tuesdays and Fridays (or even more nights) they will see each other & get to spend a meal together. Then you know Tuesday & Friday nights, you're free
    • Try to encourage mom to go to local senior center, find a group of individuals that have a similar interest as her like knitting, or a senior walking group or something. Something that would get her out of the house during the day 1-2 days a week and give her a chance to maybe make new friends. Or even senior fitness classes. If she can make a few new friends, that may make her more interested in entertaining people in her own home or going out with others
    • Invest into some food containers that you can put into the freezer & microwave. Then when you cook, cook a little extra &  make some homemade frozen dinners. Then you can stock mom's freezer and when you don't feel like cooking, you can just say, I'm not cooking tonight (or tomorrow). Then she can resort to the ready made meals.
    • Now in regards to the financial aspect, you do need to talk to husband about that. How you want to handle that is something the two you need to figure out. I get where it may be a struggle to cover the mortgage without their assistance, but I'm sure you expected that at some point they wouldn't be there to help out anymore. Try to understand that a good nursing home costs a lot of money
    • Ask hubby (or kids depending on their ages) to take over making dinner once a week. Doesn't have to be fancy, but something they make so you can have a night off. I don't think that is asking too much

    I know the first few suggestions mean work for you, but it would mean then some alone time and it would be good for mom too to be with dad or out trying new things with new friends.

    simplyeliseCandaceLafleur
  • Erika (I think - hard for me to read the names) had some good ideas.

    How far away does your SIL live?  Maybe she can help out once a week? 

    Also, there is no reason why your H can't make a meal, or the two of you can't rotate.  What would happen if you planned a girls' night out a few times a month with your friends?

    I don't think you are wrong to want some space and family (without ILs) time.  I am the same way, and your situation would make me crazy. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Hi

    I've just signed up as I need somewhere to vent!  14 years ago my husband, myself and 3 young children were renting with the view to buy somewhere. He suggested we buy somewhere with his parents - we had no choice actually as they were living with husband's sister. She got married, new husband said he wouldn't live with them (smart guy) so they needed somewhere to live. Cue us. Husband's mother put a substantial deposit in , as did we. We bought a place with 2 seperate homes, 1 large 4 bed house, and another smaller one. They are literally 5 steps away from each other. Condition was they would pay a LITTLE bit of rent and help towards bills they used.

    3 years ago, one of the in-laws went into a home due to poor health so now we have one left. Living 5 steps away. That meant the remaining in-law was present for every evening meal - which I began to resent - I was never cooked for and I'd been doing it for years for them. It also meant that suddenly the help with the mortgage came to a complete halt!! Not a word, nothing. So now I'm feeding and paying everything.

    14 years on , I've had enough. I am suffocating just knowing inlaw is there. EVERY day. They are very passive which sometimes is extremely annoying as I can never say they are rude, derogatry or mean. It's just so passive.  It's making me ill and I really don't want anyone there at all anymore. We've lived as  a 'normal' family for just 4 years of our marriage. Crazy! I am feeling so resentful and have done for many years now. If I talk about this with my partner, he says he'll change it - and he would - but I say No as then I'd be the bad guy in the situation and I couldn't live with myself knowing I was the catalyst for making them move out. So I'm stuck! I don't go over there any more as I can;t bear to see the in-law. I can't bear to hear them talking either - I just completley avoid it all together.

    Arrrrhhhh Rant over.

     

    It is never a good idea to live with anybody.

    You know that by now.

    The problem you've got:

    Why isn't your H behind you and why wasn't he ever behind you?

    I don't see much action here from him.

    If you want to move, it' "Okay we will move" from him and it is a done deal. You and he find a better place to live and you move there. End of story.
  • I like all of Erikan73's ideas.

     

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