Family Matters
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My Mom divorced me.

When I was 7, my mom divorced my father, after looking back on this, I would have to say she divorced me as well.

She had two children from a previous marriage, so I went with my father while my step brother and sister stayed with her.  
She kept in contact with me for a year or so and after that the phone calls stopped coming and when I called her she was just full of empty promises.  I didn't see her again till I was 21 and I had initiated the contact.  

Coming back into the family was a little awkward, seeing friends and family I hadn't seen for well over 10 years was certainly a little strange for everyone but it was nice, for a little while.

Once the "honeymoon" wore off, everything changed.  Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, you tell me:  After being in touch with the family for the past 20 years, I'm now in my 40's, it feels as though no one would miss me if I just left.  If I talk to my Mom, I'm the one who always makes the effort and she is still full of empty promises, not just to me but also to my children, her grand children.  She has often told me a few times how she is always in contact with John and Jane, fake names for my step siblings, and talks to them on nearly a daily basis.  She has made comments that she visits her daughter in law, a 2 hour drive from her home which takes her within 300 yards of my home, but never stops to say hi or calls to say she'll be in the area.

This attitude of avoiding me isn't just with her, it pervades within her entire family.  The few times I had been invited to a party, usually christmas, I'm told to arrive at a certain time.  When I arrive with my wife and children, we find out the party has been going on for the past 6 hours, the food is gone, the presents have been given out and people are actually starting to leave.  With my brother and sister, I notice on facebook that they take a multitude of pics of whenever they go out or have a party with family and friends and it's a huge deal for them.  When they invited us out for dinner, not a single picture was taken and it almost seemed like they were just going through the motions and couldn't wait to get on with their lives.

I've talked to my Mom about how I feel, she sympathized with me and apologized.  Nothing changed.

From what I can gather on social media, her relationship with her own two children is strong, and here I am, wondering what I did to deserve being ignored.  

In the past 2 years, I've pretty much given up.  I've stopped calling, I don't "keep in touch", I don't expect anything from them which is great cause I get nothing.  But it still bothers me.  What was so wrong with me that my Mom didn't want to take the time for me?  What is so wrong that my family literally treats me like that step kid that no one wants.  The way I look at it, Taking out the garbage was more important to her than picking up the phone and calling me just to say "hi".

My wife knows this still bothers me and I can't get any real resolution.  I'm thinking that either I'm making too much of it or it is the way it is and I should just accept it.  

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill here?

Re: My Mom divorced me.

  • edited December 2014
    mmdm1 said:
    When I was 7, my mom divorced my father, after looking back on this, I would have to say she divorced me as well.

    She had two children from a previous marriage, so I went with my father while my step brother and sister stayed with her.  
    She kept in contact with me for a year or so and after that the phone calls stopped coming and when I called her she was just full of empty promises.  I didn't see her again till I was 21 and I had initiated the contact.  

    Coming back into the family was a little awkward, seeing friends and family I hadn't seen for well over 10 years was certainly a little strange for everyone but it was nice, for a little while.

    Once the "honeymoon" wore off, everything changed.  Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, you tell me:  After being in touch with the family for the past 20 years, I'm now in my 40's, it feels as though no one would miss me if I just left.  If I talk to my Mom, I'm the one who always makes the effort and she is still full of empty promises, not just to me but also to my children, her grand children.  She has often told me a few times how she is always in contact with John and Jane, fake names for my step siblings, and talks to them on nearly a daily basis.  She has made comments that she visits her daughter in law, a 2 hour drive from her home which takes her within 300 yards of my home, but never stops to say hi or calls to say she'll be in the area.

    This attitude of avoiding me isn't just with her, it pervades within her entire family.  The few times I had been invited to a party, usually christmas, I'm told to arrive at a certain time.  When I arrive with my wife and children, we find out the party has been going on for the past 6 hours, the food is gone, the presents have been given out and people are actually starting to leave.  With my brother and sister, I notice on facebook that they take a multitude of pics of whenever they go out or have a party with family and friends and it's a huge deal for them.  When they invited us out for dinner, not a single picture was taken and it almost seemed like they were just going through the motions and couldn't wait to get on with their lives.

    I've talked to my Mom about how I feel, she sympathized with me and apologized.  Nothing changed.

    From what I can gather on social media, her relationship with her own two children is strong, and here I am, wondering what I did to deserve being ignored.  

    In the past 2 years, I've pretty much given up.  I've stopped calling, I don't "keep in touch", I don't expect anything from them which is great cause I get nothing.  But it still bothers me.  What was so wrong with me that my Mom didn't want to take the time for me?  What is so wrong that my family literally treats me like that step kid that no one wants.  The way I look at it, Taking out the garbage was more important to her than picking up the phone and calling me just to say "hi".

    My wife knows this still bothers me and I can't get any real resolution.  I'm thinking that either I'm making too much of it or it is the way it is and I should just accept it.  

    Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill here?
    You are invited over after everybodyhas partaken and everything is gone???

    This is just plain bad manners, inexcuseable and RUDE!

    Let them stick their parties. Why should you be treated so shoddily???

    There is nothing wrong with you: it is she who is all wrong, from start to finish.

    You can do one of 3 things:

    1-Continue to stay around, hoping she'll have a change of heart and treat you like you matter
    2-Tell her off and good and then end contact with her
    3-Call it quits and just vanish, no explanation

    This is another shitty case of favoritism --- She's entirely in the wrong and so are these pigs that are her family members. No hostess or host in his or her right mind would even tolerate the inhospitable treatment of a guest that enters their home.

    Am guessing this is your biological mother, which makes it all the more horrible.

    And it is disgusting to treat a child -- any child --- that way. What a lousy example of a person, let alone grandmother and mother.

    I wouldn't give her one more minute of my time -- same goes for John and jane.

    A good idea for your: therapy -- unload all of this maltreatment before it takes over your live. Do not let people like your mother live rent free in your mind.

    Wishing you luck.
  • You are absolutely not making a big deal out of nothing. My heart breaks for you.

    Your mother is not ever going to be the mother you need. She is who she is and it sounds like she does not deserve you or your family. As far as the rest of her family, same goes for them.

    I think counselling would really help you come to terms with this. It is a huge deal to be abandoned by a parent. Do not minimize your feelings. You have every right to them.

    In the meantime, unfriend them. It's only hurting you to see all this. Move on and heal yourself. Cherish the relationships you have with the people who love you and deserve to be in your life.
    tobrieornottobrie
  • I'd feel exactly the same way if I were you.  How could a mother be so incredibly rude and insensitive to their child?  Does she ever show remorse or guilt for her actions?

    I think you need to cut things off.  Just don't show up at any more events and don't return her phone calls.  Unfriend her on Facebook.  

    Please get some help.  You need to talk through all of this.  

    I had a friend as a child whose parents got divorced and his father got full custody, which at the time, was unusual.  We still keep up and his father is a client of mine.  We weren't super close, but we had many mutual friends and I always knew things were bad with the mother.  20 years later, I ran into his mother and she recognized me.  All she would talk about was her son- her son with her second husband.  She never mentioned my friend other than to say "oh you're John's friend, right?"   I know they are still in contact, but not close.  Her son, my friend, had just gotten married, and she didn't say anything about it.  I was dumb founded.
  • You are certainly not making a mountain out of a mole hill! It hurts a lot when parents play favorites, and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. When you were 7 and she was cutting you out of her life, she was the adult who needed to make decisions that were in your best interest. She dropped the ball when she didn't do that. It sounds like she has a lot of issues going on. Do not blame yourself!

    You should really look into counseling. It will help you get closure from this situation, which sounds awful. You're on the right track by not putting any effort into the relationship, but for your own peace of mind, you should go to counseling to make sure you're able to move past this and recognize that none of it is your fault.
  • I'm so sorry that you have to deal with a family like that.  I know from personal experience how it feels to be the black sheep when you've done nothing wrong.  It's so hard.

    But the thing is, when their behavior is so appalling that any reasonable person would feel offended, it's not you.  When there is not even a modicum of respect or consideration, it's not you.

    As hard as it is, you have to put distance between yourself and these people.  If you would not allow a friend to treat you in a certain way, it doesn't make it ok for family to treat you that way because "they're blood."  You deserve better than the way they treat you.  Build your own family with your wife, children, and in-laws (if they're good people.)  Build a family of friends.  Sometimes the healthiest and best family you can have is the family you build for yourself.
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