I apologize this is long. I need advice if my husband should finally stand up to his sister after years of excluding me.
My SIL is passive aggressive and I’ve had issues with her since I met my husband 8 plus years ago. She’s always leaving me out of the invitation to events. She used to send Facebook invites to her parties and would actually not invite me, but invite everyone else including the children if they had a FB account. My husband never said anything, he just told me I was “blowing things out of proportion” “I hate his family” and I need to “stop looking so deep into things”, “obviously I’m invited as part of our couple”. Fine, whatever. If we were free we’d go to the party anyway. She didn’t complain I was there, we’d be civil, but not friendly. We’ve never fought, I don’t know what I’ve done to be so bad that I’m not worthy. My hope is some people just don’t get along, but really to be that childish?
To give you some background of what she does: When we got married she was pregnant and due around the same time of our wedding. This was her 3rd child (late in life child) with a different husband. She threw herself a baby shower that fell on the same day as our wedding shower (that’s apparently how his family does things, throw your own shower.) She just told DH “I’m sure you’ll get lots of gifts at your wedding. When her baby was born she addressed the birth announcement just to DH. The actual card didn’t list either of our names on the inside. Again DH didn’t think this was a knock at me but finally said something to her and she gave a song and dance of “your wife didn’t change her name and I didn’t know how to spell her last name, I didn’t want to offend her”. Mind you we’d been dating 4.5 years at that point and she has my FB friend. Silly point but it felt like you were saying you’re not my child’s aunt.
Flash forward to Memorial Day this year…the last 3 years DH and I have thrown a Memorial Day BBQ. This is the only time in the year we have an event because his sister hosts most of her family’s events and DH and I work different schedules so we can’t always be home to have a holiday party. We got our invitation out late, that was our fault. His sister doesn’t reply to our invitation, neither does his parents. When he finally gets ahold of his parents they say they’re going to a BBQ at his sisters the same day and wondered if we were going to SIL’s party. We never got invited to SIL’s party, didn’t even know it was going on. DH sends his sister a text asking if she’s coming to our BBQ, she says no she doesn’t have her youngest daughter that weekend so her and her husband were going away instead. When DH finally confronts her about knowing she’s having a BBQ she owns up and says she only invited her parents and her MIL because they pressured her to do something so they aren’t alone “she can’t afford to invite anyone else blah blah”. DH doesn’t call her out on her lie just rolls with it because she’s “so sorry”. Later we hear his brother complain DH and I should have our BBQ on a different day of the weekend so he can go to both…but no one else was invited? We couldn’t move our BBQ either because DH had to work most of Memorial Day weekend.
After that SIL finally invites us to a Father’s day BBQ which conveniently also had her asking for a lot of money to buy FIL a new grill (his parents don’t have literally any money) I was upset I felt like she only invited us to pay for the gift. We didn’t chip in because we wanted to buy the IL’s a gift card to a grocery store, you can’t grill if you don’t have food. We all also just gave the MIL a lot of gifts for her 60th just a month before.
Saturday I ask DH if his sister was planning on hosting Thanksgiving again this year (again she typically hosts all 3 major holidays plus her kids B-Day parties and most of the other 4th of July, Father’s day etc. parties.) He said he received a text message about it but wanted to wait to respond because he was upset. Apparently she’s hosting a b-day party for her son this coming weekend and wrote “having a bday party for son if YOU are free let me know. Also, the door is open on Thanksgiving if YOU want to stop by” He finally took this as I’m not invited to either. I also feel the message about Thanksgiving was really excluding us. Yes DH is working so we couldn’t go anyway, but the 3 major holidays are the only time of year I don’t get excluded, I actually get a facebook comment on my personal page so everyone can see it. I told DH to just let it go, go to the party on Saturday or not (he’s working Saturday night so he probably won’t go, won’t be able to stay long enough) but I won’t go. I want to believe she means both of us and just said “you” in a quick text, but he finally sees what I’ve been saying. So my long, drawn out question is…should he finally say something? He’s never confronted her about me not being invited. He really only started to “see” what I “saw” on Memorial Day because he was left out too. His family used to do this with his other brother, because they didn’t like his wife, but they told them that. Since then they have mended ways and invite the brother and his wife again.
H finally wants to say to her “you need to invite me and my wife, she’s my family and I don’t want her excluded” but to me, it’s almost moot, she will come up with a song and dance about how I was invited the whole time and he always falls for it. I also don’t want him in a fight with his sister. I refuse to stand up and deal with her because it’s stupid, you’re a grown woman. Oh yeah and it’s my husband’s family he should deal with this. The problem with this is that we can’t just ignore her since she hosts 99% of the family events, DH won’t see his whole family together unless we go to SIL’s assuming we’re invited. I don’t want things to be akard and be the reason he’s not invited to his families event.
Sorry for the long post, hopefully this makes sense. I’m just at the end of my rope. I’d rather just say screw her and ignore her, but I like the rest of DH’s family including SIL’s husband and I don’t want to lose them because she’s childish.