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I just need to rant.

I'm not really looking for any advice on here, I just need to kind of let it out. And maybe if somebody could tell me I'm doing the right thing that wouldn't hurt.

So, for starters, I'm in the AF, my husband is a civilian. I'm currently in training, and live in California, although he has a job in Nebraska, which is where my duty station is, so I'll be there in approximately 6 months. We've already lived apart for 10 months, so the going's been hard. But, we've made it through it, some little bumps in the road. Like whenever his mother feels the need to weasel her way into our marriage, but we've figured it out together and all-in-all our marriage is solid and we just can't wait to move in together.

Starting the week after next, I'll be in Texas, about 12 hour drive from my DH, or a short non-stop flight. For about 4 months, DH kept telling me that he was planning on flying down to see me for Thanksgiving, we were going to get a little hotel together and just enjoy the holiday together, I spent last thanksgiving here in California, entirely alone, so I was really looking forward to it. Then, about 2 months ago he came to visit me in California, and told me that his dad had called and asked him to go to Spokane to see him for Thanksgiving, and DH wanted to. I was and still am a little upset about it, because I really looking forward to not spending this Thanksgiving alone. It's such a bleak time. But none the less, DH bought a plane ticket, and he's going to Spokane, because I know he really wants to see his dad. We agreed he would fly with me to Oregon for Christmas, and we'd spend that time together.

Well, now that I'm about to go to Texas, I'm learning more about the rules there, and for starters I've learned that we are allowed to take leave over long weekends, such as Thanksgiving, so I could fly up and see him in Nebraska if I wanted to. I told DH this and he said I should fly up to Spokane with him. Honestly I'd rather fly back to see my family in Oregon, but I really want to spend the time with DH as well. I just really don't like my FIL, as he's kind of a jerk and has never shown me much respect the whole time DH and I have been together. But I told DH if everything works out, I'll try to go see him in Spokane.

It just kind of sucks, because I don't even know all of his dad's side of the family and I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with people I don't like as well as people I don't know. It just is a dreary way to spend the holiday in my opinion. But I know it would mean a lot to DH.

I guess I just want somebody to tell me I'm doing the right thing here and that all-in-all it will be benefit our marriage.

Re: I just need to rant.

  • It's not what you want to hear, but I see big red flags in that he is making these decisions and buying plane tickets and so on without your input. That's just not cool. Especially since making that choice means leaving you alone on a holiday. It's like he doesn't care about your feelings.
  • Thank you for your service. 

    Something to consider:  you don't look forward to spending time with your husband's family because you don't know them, but if you bite the bullet and spend time with them, you'll get to know them.  You still might not be in love with his dad, but there might be other family members that you learn to like.  I would think dealing with other people would be worth the sacrifice in order to see your husband. 

    Have you tried talking with other people going through the same separation as you?  My brother-in-law was military, and my sister was given lots of support and advice from other military wives on how to deal with "reuniting" after long separation.  The biggest piece of advice being, don't set any expectations.  It's natural to anticipate and place hopes on how wonderful seeing your spouse will be.  However, things rarely go as perfectly as they do in our head.  It would be better to go in with zero expectation, than to be left bitterly disappointed because your expectations were too high.  You both need support, and people to talk to during this time. 

    Also, I'm not a huge fan of the idea that he decided to change holiday plans.  I know that the separation probably makes communication difficult.  Being apart for so long can also distort one's view of your partnership and being "unified" in your decisions, but you both need to remember that you still are (or, should be).  His decision affected you, and while finding time to see parents is important, when you're dealing with such a long stretch of separation, seeing your spouse should trump seeing anyone else. 

    Trudge on through this difficult time.  It's not fun, but if you're both willing to work at it, you'll get through it.
  • This is not good.

    You and he are supposed to be a team and you and he are supposed to decide -- and cement --- things together.

    He went against what the 2 of you decided and he took it upon himself to do something else --- whether or not you like that something else isn't it; what is "it" is that he decided without you.

    He also should have told his mother what to do when she started to weasel in on your affairs.

    If I were you, I'd tell him that the next time he makes a decision with you, you'll decide that he needs to hit the road --- I'm serious; nip this in the bud now or you will have a whole lifetime of this kind of bullshit ahead of you.

    Wishing you luck. Take care.
  • Thank you guys for your support. I guess in my post it sounded like we didn't talk to about it, which we did. We did talk about if he should go see his dad or go see me for Thanksgiving the last time he had come down, which was bout 2 months ago. We talked about it for about 3 weeks, and I told him how I felt about it, and how I didn't want to spend the Holidays alone, and all that jazz. We had agreed that if he goes to see his father in Washington, we would either pay, or help pay for me to fly out one family member from Oregon to come visit me (this was before we knew I could leave) Then I decided that since one of my friend's parents live in Texas, about 3 hours from where I'll be, she invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her, and I decided that would work instead. And only recently we found out that I could leave, and since he has already bought the plane ticket we are looking into these options. But he didn't go make these decisions without me, and he hasn't seen his father since March or April, so it has been a long time and I'm trying to be understanding about it, although I can't understand why his father can't go see him, he doesn't work, and has money. But whatever, I just try to understand where he is coming from.

    Also, when his mother interfered, he did step up. I told him it was really bothering me how she was treating me and how she was crossing boundaries into our relationship, and that night he sat her down and told her that she needs to leave our marriage between us, and that he appreciates her advice, but it is our marriage and we want to work things out together and that from now on he doesn't want her to get involved. He told her I was upset about what she had done, and she called me and apologized for it. So I mean, he has been good about that.

  • I feel your frustration and you being hesitant to spend time with his family when all you want to do is spend time with your husband alone since you don't get to see him all of the time.  My advice to you is to suck it up and go spend Thanksgiving with him in Spokane and plan a steal away moment for you both in which you two sneak out and spend some time together.

    I understand his father wanting him to visit him, sometimes parents just want to spend time with their kids in their homes to feel a family again.  Try to ignore what bothers you about him and instead concentrate on making the experience nice for both you and your DH and he will appreciate you even more. 

  • It isn't in his home though, his dad lives in Montana, he is going to visit family and wants Sam to go with him, at first he wanted Sam to fly to Montana and drive over with him, but I told Sam that I it was too much money to spend on two one way tickets, and his dad's airport is very small, and therefore expensive, and I didn't want him tired out, but just relaxed instead. So he agreed to that.

    I think if I get the OK for it I'll end up flying out Thursday morning and being there by noon, then flying back either Saturday evening or Sunday super early, and I probably will just steal away part of Saturday with him. His plane doesn't leave till 8 or something like that, so we would have a good amount of time on Saturday to spend together. He says his dad only has plans on Friday a two hour drive to Idaho (I'll go crazy spending 4 hours in a car with him, plan on bringing a book with me to read haha!) Then on Saturday nothing is officially planned, so as soon as I get the OK for going, I'm going to ask him to reserve that day for me.

  • Perfect, I think you have a perfect plan in place and you are doing a great thing by going there to be with him and his dad.  Hope you have a great time!!!!!!
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