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Am I the jerk / crazy?? MIL Fun :)

Hey everyone!  And thanks for listening ... Sorry if too long!!

 

My MIL really is a nice woman and I love her and my FIL, but she can be overbearing a lot of the times.  Mostly I just roll with the punches.  I'm a very independent person.  I have been married now almost 4 years, but I was a single mom for a long time.  My son is turning 16 this week.  For example, for some background info ... I think in my husbands last marriage, they (MIL/FIL) were the stable parents and she liked being in control of everything and being the "greatest" mom and cook, and hosting everything, etc.  Well, now I've come along and I have an amazing family!  They have been there so much for me over the years and are amazing parents, etc.  So, for example, it's been a fight (and I've won) to get holidays alone with my family (even my extended family is very close, so when we get together it's a big group).  But with my IL's, it's only me, DH, DS and the two of them.  So the mantra has been, when it's my turn to have a holiday with my family, sure, invite them along.  Finally, last year I put my foot down and said no, I just want to spend this alloted holiday (Thanksgiving) with my family... It's our turn, and not fair that I can't spend it just with them.  They would never invite in return, all my family, to their gatherings, and for that matter, I wouldn't want them to, because that's our time with DH's family.  So that worked and we're good. 

 

But she's always pushing to be constantly doing things, vacations, the whole, we never see you guilt crap, etc.  I'm very good at curbing a lot of this, and don't let it bother me, and we do all kinds of stuff with them, and my family too.  For the most part, it works, and I can very easily not let things get to me ...

 

Until now.  I'm pretty sure I'm past it all and what happens, will be what happens, but about a month ago, my DH and I were shopping for an older, small pick-up truck for my DS for his 16th birthday.  We wanted something reliable, but not really expensive ($3-4K at most) and just a good solid 1st car for him.  Well my IL's take us out to lunch one day, and totally BLINDSIDED us with offering to give us this wonderful "Gift" of their older truck.  Well, again, I was blindsided and only thought this out how I wish I'd have responded, later.  At the time I kept my mouth shut, rather than say something offensive or wrong.  She's very easliy offended.

 

While it is a very nice gesture, my first and most important thing is that I want this truck to my son to come from me and DH, NOT them.  1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM.  Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close.  I appreciate the gift I guess, but I really would rather have just bought it from them.  But didn't think to say that at the time.  Besides that, we ended up putting almost $3500 into the car to fix it and clean it up, it was pretty rough.

 

So after they give us this "gift", I really want to set it clear that I think this could come from us, so I call MIL and tell here thanks again, blah, blah, blah, and then go on to ask (becuase she ALWAYS wants tons of ideas for DS when it's B-day / Christmas) if she needed any ideas for his B-day; she went on to say, well, I think we've done enough, don't you?  So I go on to say that this is something that I really feel is important that comes from us, and not them.  It got a little hairy after that, but eventually I think the thought got through that we want it coming from us and not them.  But I never talked to her about it in the end, just FIL. 

 

SO ... the party is next Saturday, and it's a big family party, lots of people coming, and she NEVER has asked for any gift ideas.  In the almost 4 years I've been with my husband, she has never NOT wanted ideas.  So I'm really worried that she's going to show up and annouce her gift as the truck.  We're giving DS the truck last as (obviously) our gift - big deal, big surprise to DS ... And I'm so freaked out at what she might do ...

 

Am I being extremely selfish?  I somewhat think I am, but even if we'd offered to buy it from them (which later on it did get mentioned) they wouldn't let us.  She's pretty cheap when it comes to gifts and stuff, but this was no money out of their pocket, which is why she was ok with it (they have 2 other vehicles).

 

Sorry for the length and thanks for listening ... really needing some advice.  Feeling a little like a jerk, thinking and feeling all of this, but I also think she's trying to control things and do what she wants, and this is important to me.

Re: Am I the jerk / crazy?? MIL Fun :)

  • jtmh2012jtmh2012 mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2014

    Personally, I think you're being a jerk.  Your ILs are giving your son a gift and you're more worried about who it comes from than any use/enjoyment your son might get out of it.

    As for the holidays, we commonly had holidays with both sets of grandparents in attendance.  It was how we did things.  You should be happy that instead of figuring out whose house to we go to for the holiday that you can have everyone at the same place.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    FutureMrsMerati
  • Well, we disagree.  But thanks for your thoughts.  :)
  • More over to say; our original intentions were to give him a gift from US, not IL's, and they pushed in and are trying to make it about them.  It's not like it was from them in the beginning, we got this great blessing / windfall, and THEN decided to give him a truck and then tried to pawn off their generosity as our thing / gift.  It was always our intention, and they butted in and tried to make it about them.  You just have to know my MIL I guess.
  • edited September 2014

    Hey everyone!  And thanks for listening ... Sorry if too long!!

     

    My MIL really is a nice woman and I love her and my FIL, but she can be overbearing a lot of the times.  Mostly I just roll with the punches.

    And why are you taking what she dishes out in abundance?

    When she gets nasty or she insults you -- or whatever it is that she does -- tell her to cut it out. Stand up for yourself.

    I'm a very independent person.  I have been married now almost 4 years, but I was a single mom for a long time.  My son is turning 16 this week.  For example, for some background info ... I think in my husbands last marriage, they (MIL/FIL) were the stable parents and she liked being in control of everything and being the "greatest" mom and cook, and hosting everything, etc.  Well, now I've come along and I have an amazing family!  They have been there so much for me over the years and are amazing parents, etc.  So, for example, it's been a fight (and I've won) to get holidays alone with my family (even my extended family is very close, so when we get together it's a big group).  But with my IL's, it's only me, DH, DS and the two of them.  So the mantra has been, when it's my turn to have a holiday with my family, sure, invite them along.  Finally, last year I put my foot down and said no, I just want to spend this alloted holiday (Thanksgiving) with my family... It's our turn, and not fair that I can't spend it just with them.  They would never invite in return, all my family, to their gatherings, and for that matter, I wouldn't want them to, because that's our time with DH's family.  So that worked and we're good. 

     I say take T-Day and Christmas and you and your immediate family celebrate both at your own home.

    Invite who you wish.

    There is no "rule" stating you "have" to split up the holidays. Bullshit.

    But she's always pushing to be constantly doing things, vacations, the whole, we never see you guilt crap, etc.  I'm very good at curbing a lot of this, and don't let it bother me, and we do all kinds of stuff with them, and my family too.  For the most part, it works, and I can very easily not let things get to me ...

     Keep refusing. That's the way to go.

    Until now.  I'm pretty sure I'm past it all and what happens, will be what happens, but about a month ago, my DH and I were shopping for an older, small pick-up truck for my DS for his 16th birthday.  We wanted something reliable, but not really expensive ($3-4K at most) and just a good solid 1st car for him.  Well my IL's take us out to lunch one day, and totally BLINDSIDED us with offering to give us this wonderful "Gift" of their older truck.  Well, again, I was blindsided and only thought this out how I wish I'd have responded, later.  At the time I kept my mouth shut, rather than say something offensive or wrong.  She's very easliy offended.

    She's easily offended?

    Whoop dee doo to her.  Say NO TO THE TRUCK!

    She's rained on your parade and this is between you and your H what kind of vehicle to give to your son.

    Wow...

    Today, without fail:

    You and your H sit her down and tell her to stop interfering, stat --- or she will be seeing a whole lot less of you, your H and your son.

    I think the gesture sucks, insasmuch as she is trying to "prove" who is better.

    Nip this in the bud NOW or you'll have the devil to pay.

     

    While it is a very nice gesture, my first and most important thing is that I want this truck to my son to come from me and DH, NOT them.  1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM.  Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close.  I appreciate the gift I guess, but I really would rather have just bought it from them.  But didn't think to say that at the time.  Besides that, we ended up putting almost $3500 into the car to fix it and clean it up, it was pretty rough.

     

    So after they give us this "gift", I really want to set it clear that I think this could come from us, so I call MIL and tell here thanks again, blah, blah, blah, and then go on to ask (becuase she ALWAYS wants tons of ideas for DS when it's B-day / Christmas) if she needed any ideas for his B-day; she went on to say, well, I think we've done enough, don't you?  So I go on to say that this is something that I really feel is important that comes from us, and not them.  It got a little hairy after that, but eventually I think the thought got through that we want it coming from us and not them.  But I never talked to her about it in the end, just FIL. 

     

    SO ... the party is next Saturday, and it's a big family party, lots of people coming, and she NEVER has asked for any gift ideas.  In the almost 4 years I've been with my husband, she has never NOT wanted ideas.  So I'm really worried that she's going to show up and annouce her gift as the truck.  We're giving DS the truck last as (obviously) our gift - big deal, big surprise to DS ... And I'm so freaked out at what she might do ...

    If you reeled her in when you should have, you wouldn't have a Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. WHY do you people put up with her nonsense???

     

    Am I being extremely selfish?  I somewhat think I am, but even if we'd offered to buy it from them (which later on it did get mentioned) they wouldn't let us.  She's pretty cheap when it comes to gifts and stuff, but this was no money out of their pocket, which is why she was ok with it (they have 2 other vehicles).

     

    Sorry for the length and thanks for listening ... really needing some advice.  Feeling a little like a jerk, thinking and feeling all of this, but I also think she's trying to control things and do what she wants, and this is important to me.

    I did not even read the rest.

    You and your H need to tell he to cut it out once and for all and to stay out of your affairs.
  • As far as the truck goes, if you really want it to be from you and DH, then say "no".  OR pay them for it.  This is your choice.

    However... you talk about your MIL being controlling?  You sound pretty controlling too.  And not very generous. Well, w/ your ILs that is.

    Because your DH comes from a small family, they get punished because you come from a large family and it would be hard for them to reciprocate an invitation?  So therefore they don't get invited at all?  For the fact that you even say you've "won" speaks volumes. 

    You married your DH.  You married into his family.  To be SO exclusive of them at the holidays - I don't know.   You don't come off well on that issue, let's just say that.

    Then the truck.  You said:

    1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM.  Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close.

    What does this have to do w/ YOUR parents or how close your dad is to your son?  Your ILs can't be generous because of YOUR parents? (Oh, but wait.... you don't expect your family to be generous when it comes to the holidays and being welcoming. Hmmm.... o.k.)

    I have a STRONG feeling that if it were your parents who wanted to give your son an old truck, you'd be thrilled to have them do it. 

    I'm just going to say that you need to be careful about how much you start to exclude and shun your ILs, especially at the favor of your parents. 


    PnkBrideLeftie22FutureMrsMeratiArindriel
  • VOR said:

    As far as the truck goes, if you really want it to be from you and DH, then say "no".  OR pay them for it.  This is your choice.

    I appreciate your words; on this if I'd have refused or offered to pay, it would have been insulting, and if my mom / parents would have had the same to give, they would have known I'd wanted to give it myself and offered it to me if I wanted to buy it.  I wouldn't have just taken it from them.  I initially intended a gift to DS from me and DH; not from me, DH, and anyone else, regardless of who.  But my parents aren't easily offended like MIL and could have handled hearing this from me...

    However... you talk about your MIL being controlling?  You sound pretty controlling too.  And not very generous. Well, w/ your ILs that is.

    Because your DH comes from a small family, they get punished because you come from a large family and it would be hard for them to reciprocate an invitation?  So therefore they don't get invited at all?  For the fact that you even say you've "won" speaks volumes. 

    They've been at almost every family gathering of my family, we've had.  Do you not have separate get together's with separate families where you're from?  We split every holiday evenly with our parents, even do some together.  At Thxgv it's every other year, this year we're with DH's family.  Last year was mine.  Christmas is Cx Eve with his family (based on THEIR tradition) and Cx day at mine.  We actually spend more time with his family, and much of my family's time is with them in attendance.  I don't think it's horrible of me to want to spend alone time with my family. 

    You married your DH.  You married into his family.  To be SO exclusive of them at the holidays - I don't know.   You don't come off well on that issue, let's just say that.

    Then the truck.  You said:

    1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM.  Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close.

    What does this have to do w/ YOUR parents or how close your dad is to your son?  Your ILs can't be generous because of YOUR parents? (Oh, but wait.... you don't expect your family to be generous when it comes to the holidays and being welcoming. Hmmm.... o.k.)

    I have a STRONG feeling that if it were your parents who wanted to give your son an old truck, you'd be thrilled to have them do it. 

    Nope, I'd feel the same way, only my family would understand.

    I'm just going to say that you need to be careful about how much you start to exclude and shun your ILs, especially at the favor of your parents. 

    Don't exclude or shun them at all. 

    Thx for your thoughts thought ;)



  • I do think you're wrong on this.  They did offer you this truck and you accepted.  It is theirs so either have it be from them or from all of you. 

    Also, you shouldn't ask people what they think about a situation if you're going to dismiss their opinion if they say something you don't like.
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  • I do think you're wrong on this.  They did offer you this truck and you accepted.  It is theirs so either have it be from them or from all of you. 

    Also, you shouldn't ask people what they think about a situation if you're going to dismiss their opinion if they say something you don't like.
     
    I'm not dismissing opinions I don't like.  But as these boards go, everyone disagrees a lot ... and that's ok!  :)  I do appreciate everything everyone has to say.  Most of what I've replied to has been clarification.  Not all, but most. :)
     
     

  • Well, part of our "disagreement" is that we don' thave the full story.  in your OP, sounds like you want to exclude his family from holiday stuff.  But you clarified that.  Which I appreciate.  But just remember we can only go off of what you tell us.

    If you say you'd feel the same if it were your parents, that's great.  BUT for the fact that you don't want your ILs to give this gift because of how your parents would feel...  I don't know. That just doesn't have a nice ring to it.  Gift giving/ issues w/ gift giving really shouldn't be about what the OTHER grandparents "feel".  It's not about them. 

  • So what about her overbearingness?

    You never made it clear what that consisted of but whatever it is, it is up to you to snub her close and make sure she stops it. Like I said, stand up for yourself.

    I never "got" the split up holidays or the eve at one set of parents' and the day at the other's parents. You are married; HE is your family.

    There is no need to run yourselves ragged and do both the eve and the day to please them.

    Do yourself a favor: End that mess as of this year. Have Christmas Day at your place and invite who you like; the people who are worthwhile will be the ones that attend.
  • Here's my thing...your son is going to know that this truck came from them, even in an indirect way.  Because unless he has never SEEN THEM with this truck, how is he not going to know it was theirs first?

    Then he IS going to know that you gave him a regifted gift.  Because no matter how you spin it, your inlaws offered you this truck BECAUSE you were looking for a car for your son.  And they offered it for free and you took it for free. 

    They did this for you (whatever the strings or ulterior motives aside) because you were looking for a car for your son.  To play this game of wanting soul ownership/gift giving after the fact is petty.  

    If you do not want the attached strings, give the truck back and buy a different car.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    spikeincPnkBrideLeftie22SheMarie82
  • I agree with PPs. You can't accept a gift from your ILs and then refuse to let them give it to your son. If it needs to be from you, then you and your DH should have bought one. You accepted, took the truck, and apparently did a bunch of work to it. That sounds like plenty of time to re-think. You can't do ll that and then turn around and refuse to let them give it him, AND tell them they have to get him something else?!? I would be incredibly offended if I gave someone a car and then they told me I had to give something else as a present. That's incredibly rude and obviously hurt your MILs feelings. You can't take credit for their gift, and you shouldn't have asked her to think of other gift ideas. Sorry, but that's just so rude.
  • I do think you are being a big JERK and by you leaving your passive/aggressive remarks on PPs comments you are being an even bigger JERK.  I would love to be able to spend all of the holidays with both our families, it would make it much easier and we wouldn't be worried about missing time with each of our families.  Why does it bother you so much that the TWO of them spend the holidays with your family too?  If you have such a large family, it is not an intimate gathering so by them being there too they will not be a burden.

    You should feel really happy and grateful that your ILs love your son as their grandson and would do such a nice gesture, it is not everyday that someone gives a car for free even if you had to pay for work on it.  You should be appreciative and present the car as a gift from the 4 of you because it is from the 4 of you.

    Family is all we have and you wouldn't want your DH to try and exclude your family so don't try to exclude his.

  • First of all, I don't blame you for wanting your own family for your holidays.  A different set of people can change the whole dynamic, and it's not your job to invite the ILS over because they are a small group.  I personally invite both sides but if that doesn't work for you then it is perfectly ok to not invite the ILS.  ONE person, who otherwise would be all alone, I would invite, so they are not all by themselves.  Or stop having holidays with "sides."  Because it's not fair for your family to always share you with the ILS but the ILS get you and H all to yourselves.

    As for the truck - they gave you the truck?  Then that is their gift.  If you do not feel it should come from "them," then insist on paying the blue book value to them.

    You have caused this problem by yourself.  Your ILS offered their truck - you could have said "no."  It would have been easier to say "we already have another truck in mind," or "he has always wanted a red truck, or a Ford 150" or whatever brand was not their truck.  Instead you TOOK their truck, complained as you paid extra for repairs or upgrades, then asked them what they were giving to your DS?  They gave him a truck!  Even if it was only worth $100, that's a $100 gift!!!  




    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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