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Sister to live with us?

Hi Nesters!

I'm not so new to the forum, and love to read discussions on this board.  I would like some advice on my family issue.  It's a long story though...

I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not I should let my older sister and my niece (8 years old) live me.  She's going through a divorce as her soon to be ex husband left her for another woman (after being together for 16 years).  She's been a homemaker for the last 7 years, but has also been going through schooling (last three years) to become a teacher.  She currently resides in FL, and I live in CA.  He's moved to CA (about a year ago) and has been in the process of trying to get her to move out to CA too.  She needs to finish her schooling to receive her teaching certificate.

My husband and I live in a home. I work fulltime and I will start school part time next week.  My husband works part time and working to find a full time career (he's tries to pick up as much shifts as he can).  Hubby has his reservations too (he loves my family, but is a bit weary of having them move in).  In order to help out with finances, we also have a roommate who rents one of the bedrooms.  Our roommate is respectful, courteous, and has become a friend of ours over the year. 

The reason why I have my reservations of having my sister live us, is because we just don't have the room for a family of two (sis and niece), plus us, and our roommate.  My sister's ex's family has offered to let her rent out a vacant house for super cheap so that she can save her monies and eventually move out to CA.  There's no bad blood between her and ex in laws, but the divorce looks like its going to turn into a ugly one...Her soon to be ex husband just served her papers stating that he does not want to pay alimony (only child support).  She's furious and really doesn't want to fight him.  She doesn't want her daughter to be in middle of an ugly battle.  I've suggested to her that she needs to get a lawyer and the lawyer can fight for her.  But she doesn't have the funds nor the will power to fight.  She's also asked for money (which I have none to give). 

My further reservations of having my sister and niece live with us is... I feel like if I were to offer for her to live with us, even though I would set ground rules of move-out date, rent price (I wouldn't charge her much.  Most likely free for first month, and then little rent the following months) that her living with us would be indefinite.  It's mostly because something always comes up where she doesn't have the monies, or a job, or whatever.  When she asked for money, she also went to her dad, friends, etc. - who all turned her down.  Even my mom called me to say to not give her money and that she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet.  I get the "give a man to fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" -  but jeez, if you don't have ANYONE to turn to at the worst point in your life...doesn't that just stop someone in their tracks?  Her soon to be ex has a job as a flight attendant and doesn't have a consistent schedule to take on my niece full time - even though he's offered to do so (which is stupid, bc who's going to take care of her when he's gone on trips?).  And to top it all off...my sister is also a recovering alcoholic and I know she has her bad days...

The worst part of all this, is that this affects an innocent child, my niece.  Her grandparents (ex's parents) in FL have been helping out, but they're getting old, so that they can't do much lately.  Our parents live oversees and my sis and niece are no way in hell moving in with them.  I think the best option would be to have her move in the vacant home that her inlaws have offered (which her ex is absolutely livid about), and it's located in the hometown of her ex - a whole other looong story.

Ugh, I don't know what to do.  And feel really guilty for even having reservations.  But I do. 

Thank you for your time.




Re: Sister to live with us?

  • maybebaby2009 said:

    Sister to live with us?

    Hi Nesters!

    I'm not so new to the forum, and love to read discussions on this board.  I would like some advice on my family issue.  It's a long story though...

    I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not I should let my older sister and my niece (8 years old) live me.  She's going through a divorce as her soon to be ex husband left her for another woman (after being together for 16 years).  She's been a homemaker for the last 7 years, but has also been going through schooling (last three years) to become a teacher.  She currently resides in FL, and I live in CA.  He's moved to CA (about a year ago) and has been in the process of trying to get her to move out to CA too.  She needs to finish her schooling to receive her teaching certificate.

    My husband and I live in a home. I work fulltime and I will start school part time next week.  My husband works part time and working to find a full time career (he's tries to pick up as much shifts as he can).  Hubby has his reservations too (he loves my family, but is a bit weary of having them move in).  In order to help out with finances, we also have a roommate who rents one of the bedrooms.  Our roommate is respectful, courteous, and has become a friend of ours over the year. 

    The reason why I have my reservations of having my sister live us, is because we just don't have the room for a family of two (sis and niece), plus us, and our roommate.  My sister's ex's family has offered to let her rent out a vacant house for super cheap so that she can save her monies and eventually move out to CA.  There's no bad blood between her and ex in laws, but the divorce looks like its going to turn into a ugly one...Her soon to be ex husband just served her papers stating that he does not want to pay alimony (only child support).  She's furious and really doesn't want to fight him.  She doesn't want her daughter to be in middle of an ugly battle.  I've suggested to her that she needs to get a lawyer and the lawyer can fight for her.  But she doesn't have the funds nor the will power to fight.  She's also asked for money (which I have none to give). 

    My further reservations of having my sister and niece live with us is... I feel like if I were to offer for her to live with us, even though I would set ground rules of move-out date, rent price (I wouldn't charge her much.  Most likely free for first month, and then little rent the following months) that her living with us would be indefinite.  It's mostly because something always comes up where she doesn't have the monies, or a job, or whatever.  When she asked for money, she also went to her dad, friends, etc. - who all turned her down.  Even my mom called me to say to not give her money and that she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet.  I get the "give a man to fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" -  but jeez, if you don't have ANYONE to turn to at the worst point in your life...doesn't that just stop someone in their tracks?  Her soon to be ex has a job as a flight attendant and doesn't have a consistent schedule to take on my niece full time - even though he's offered to do so (which is stupid, bc who's going to take care of her when he's gone on trips?).  And to top it all off...my sister is also a recovering alcoholic and I know she has her bad days...

    The worst part of all this, is that this affects an innocent child, my niece.  Her grandparents (ex's parents) in FL have been helping out, but they're getting old, so that they can't do much lately.  Our parents live oversees and my sis and niece are no way in hell moving in with them.  I think the best option would be to have her move in the vacant home that her inlaws have offered (which her ex is absolutely livid about), and it's located in the hometown of her ex - a whole other looong story.

    Ugh, I don't know what to do.  And feel really guilty for even having reservations.  But I do. 

    Thank you for your time.




    All of this does not bode well.

    Your provlem is that you have one person in the mix right now --- a roommate -- and you are considering having 2 more.

    The problem is also that she has no way to pay room and board and it looks like you will  have her there for good.

    I am sure expenses are rough for you and your H; neither you nor her are millionaires or very well off.

    And you say she's got no money for an attorney? Retaining one is vital -- she needs to get child support and visitation out of the way and she should also get alimoney. She can go to legal aid or try the county bar: I am sure she will be able to get 3 references of attorneys' names --- there is bound to be somebody who will wrok on a a contingency basis.

    She is better off living with the in laws for now. I don't think you and your H can afford this type of arrangement --- if she is to stay, she must pay room and board -- she can find a job somewhere doign something, even if it is retail or a restaurant -- and she has to give you a time frame when she will be out and gone.

    I don't know about your state but teaching jobs are tough to find in our state. I know of more than one person -- a new grad and a guy who is alternative route -- and neither one of them can find a full time teaching position in this state. My friend's department of labor office has had quite a few teachers out of work looking for jobs in local schools. Nothing is panning out for any of those people.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    I don't see why she has to move in with you.  Did she even ask?  And she has another option.

    I think I kind of agree with  your parents - don't give her money.  She'll ask you all for money, but she won't go to court and fight her ex to get the $$ she deserves?  That makes no sense.  At all. 

    Don't enable her.  If you give hermoney, a place to live - you are only enabling her. 

  • You know what I would do?  I would offer to take your niece (with both parents signing a POA and the child support from Ex to come to you).  

    But I would do that iwht the understanding that I would either lose the little one within months or have her for the rest of her teen years.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • maybebaby2009maybebaby2009 member
    Seventh Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited August 2014

    She doesn't straight out ask, but says that she has no where else to go.  At one point, her dad offered for her and my niece to stay with him, but my sister did not want to do that.  And then left a message for me saying that at least someone offered a place for her to stay.  This made me feel bad, but at the same time angry...

    And you're right, she should be fighting her ex husband for alimony.  I'm flabbergasted that she isn't fighting him for it.  Now, I'm just angry at her for turning to me for help and then making me feel bad for saying no.  Still feel bad for her though.

  • Ilumine said:
    You know what I would do?  I would offer to take your niece (with both parents signing a POA and the child support from Ex to come to you).  

    But I would do that iwht the understanding that I would either lose the little one within months or have her for the rest of her teen years.  


    I really think my niece's father should step up.  He is the father, for goodness sakes.  I'd be fine to take after my niece, but I don't even think I'd be right for my niece.  I love her to death, but her parents need to step up! 

  •  
    l of this does not bode well.

    Your provlem is that you have one person in the mix right now --- a roommate -- and you are considering having 2 more.

    The problem is also that she has no way to pay room and board and it looks like you will  have her there for good.

    I am sure expenses are rough for you and your H; neither you nor her are millionaires or very well off.

    And you say she's got no money for an attorney? Retaining one is vital -- she needs to get child support and visitation out of the way and she should also get alimoney. She can go to legal aid or try the county bar: I am sure she will be able to get 3 references of attorneys' names --- there is bound to be somebody who will wrok on a a contingency basis.

    She is better off living with the in laws for now. I don't think you and your H can afford this type of arrangement --- if she is to stay, she must pay room and board -- she can find a job somewhere doign something, even if it is retail or a restaurant -- and she has to give you a time frame when she will be out and gone.

    I don't know about your state but teaching jobs are tough to find in our state. I know of more than one person -- a new grad and a guy who is alternative route -- and neither one of them can find a full time teaching position in this state. My friend's department of labor office has had quite a few teachers out of work looking for jobs in local schools. Nothing is panning out for any of those people.

    Yes, where we are, teaching jobs are few and far between.  I really think renting out the place that her inlaws offered are the best choice.  She's just going to need to suck it up for awhile until she builds up her nest egg.

    Thank you for your response!

  • Ilumine said:
    You know what I would do?  I would offer to take your niece (with both parents signing a POA and the child support from Ex to come to you).  

    But I would do that iwht the understanding that I would either lose the little one within months or have her for the rest of her teen years.  


    I really think my niece's father should step up.  He is the father, for goodness sakes.  I'd be fine to take after my niece, but I don't even think I'd be right for my niece.  I love her to death, but her parents need to step up! 

    You asked me for my opinion.  That is what I would do.  

    Because honestly, if the father hasn't stepped up already, then he probably wont (he seems to be happy to let his family throw money at the problem instead of FIXING the problem).  

    So if it came down to a child getting the assistance to break the cycle or letting her continue on with the two parents who have created the cycle, then I would go with the child. 

    I mean, that is what we have been told over and over and over again by our politicos (both sides). That we need to step up and help those less fortunate?  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • Ilumine said:
    Ilumine said:
    You know what I would do?  I would offer to take your niece (with both parents signing a POA and the child support from Ex to come to you).  

    But I would do that iwht the understanding that I would either lose the little one within months or have her for the rest of her teen years.  


    I really think my niece's father should step up.  He is the father, for goodness sakes.  I'd be fine to take after my niece, but I don't even think I'd be right for my niece.  I love her to death, but her parents need to step up! 

    You asked me for my opinion.  That is what I would do.  

    Because honestly, if the father hasn't stepped up already, then he probably wont (he seems to be happy to let his family throw money at the problem instead of FIXING the problem).  

    So if it came down to a child getting the assistance to break the cycle or letting her continue on with the two parents who have created the cycle, then I would go with the child. 

    I mean, that is what we have been told over and over and over again by our politicos (both sides). That we need to step up and help those less fortunate?  

    Sorry, my tone in my response was not meant to sound yucky toward you (I'm super frustrated with the situation).  I really appreciate the advice.  I think if I went that route, my sister would hate me and would never speak to me again.  She would think that I was trying to take her daughter away from her, and then be even more offended that I'm not letting them both live with us.  I will suggest it, but I will tread very lightly.

    Thank you again.

  • Ilumine said:
    Ilumine said:
    You know what I would do?  I would offer to take your niece (with both parents signing a POA and the child support from Ex to come to you).  

    But I would do that iwht the understanding that I would either lose the little one within months or have her for the rest of her teen years.  


    I really think my niece's father should step up.  He is the father, for goodness sakes.  I'd be fine to take after my niece, but I don't even think I'd be right for my niece.  I love her to death, but her parents need to step up! 

    You asked me for my opinion.  That is what I would do.  

    Because honestly, if the father hasn't stepped up already, then he probably wont (he seems to be happy to let his family throw money at the problem instead of FIXING the problem).  

    So if it came down to a child getting the assistance to break the cycle or letting her continue on with the two parents who have created the cycle, then I would go with the child. 

    I mean, that is what we have been told over and over and over again by our politicos (both sides). That we need to step up and help those less fortunate?  

    Sorry, my tone in my response was not meant to sound yucky toward you (I'm super frustrated with the situation).  I really appreciate the advice.  I think if I went that route, my sister would hate me and would never speak to me again.  She would think that I was trying to take her daughter away from her, and then be even more offended that I'm not letting them both live with us.  I will suggest it, but I will tread very lightly.

    Thank you again.

    Then approach it in a way that it is about HER needs.  Tell her that you want her to have some time to focus on getting herself back on track.  And by YOU letting niece live with you for just the school year, that will allow SIS to finish her schooling and find a job all the while keeping the future exinlaws at bay.  

    I get it.  it sucks.  But your niece needs stability and a decent role model.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I agree with @illumine.  Pose the offer as a way to help HER.  Tell her she has these 9 months to work on getting things straightened out without worrying about caring for her DD.  Of course she has to understand that once June hits she's either on her way to move out to CA or your niece is flying back to FL.  Another thing she needs to consider is the difference in credentials for each state.  She may spend all her time in FL working on getting her teaching credential to find out in CA that she might have to do more to get qualified to teach there.
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  • I agree with @illumine.  Pose the offer as a way to help HER.  Tell her she has these 9 months to work on getting things straightened out without worrying about caring for her DD.  Of course she has to understand that once June hits she's either on her way to move out to CA or your niece is flying back to FL.  Another thing she needs to consider is the difference in credentials for each state.  She may spend all her time in FL working on getting her teaching credential to find out in CA that she might have to do more to get qualified to teach there.

    Thank you for the advice.  So there have been a slight of turn on events.  Sis went up to in-laws to start her life again.  But quickly has come back to her house to sell it.  Ex hubs is not helping in the selling of the home and she needs to get that sorted out before officially moving near in-laws.  She called me asking if I can lend her money, which I said no to.  She's telling me that it this point she has no money, even for food.  Everyone has abandoned her, and she will be giving up custody to the father.  I have offered to have my niece to stay with me, and for sis to stay with me for a few weeks to get back on her feet.  Who knows if she takes that offer.  Sis is very upset with me that I'm not lending her money.  We had a bad conversation, and I am no longer taking her calls (sometimes she calls drunk and depressed - usually at night.  During the day... she's just angry - understandably so).  I've already given her contacts for a lawyer.  I think this is the most I can do.

     

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