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Missing family, Sad about moving out of parents' house

Hello all, I am new to the community forums here but I need to vent, get advice, or just know that I'm not alone...

I am 26 years old and have been married since October. My husband moved here to the USA from England one month before we got married. Prior to that, we had a long-distance relationship for 6 years. Apart from when I was in college living in the dorms, I spent my entire life with my family (parents, sister, and family cat). When my husband moved here, he also moved in with my family while his green card and work permit were being sorted out. Last month, we finally moved out into an apartment across town from my family, and I am an emotional wreck. I was excited about the idea of moving and being on our own, but now that it's actually happened, I cry almost every day because I am so sad about not being with my family anymore. I have been going over there a few times a week to hang out or do laundry, and I cry every time I drive back to the apartment. I also usually cry when they've left after a visit.

My family and I have always been very close and it is really hard to not be with them all the time. I love sitting down to dinner with my family every night and talking about how our day was, watching the evening news together, laughing at tv shows, helping with the gardening & housework, and other day-to-day togetherness things that I probably took for granted. I tear up & straight up cry at random moments throughout the day thinking about my family and what I would normally be doing if I was at home with them. Sometimes I even feel sick to my stomach.

On top of this, I also feel really silly/guilty because my husband moved across the world to be with me. He is close with his family as well, and now only sees them a 1-2x per year, yet he is handling that better than I am handling being 30 minutes away from my family. He is being very supportive about the whole thing, holding me when I cry and listening to me talk about how sad I am. But I still feel horrible for having this extreme of a reaction, I feel like a big baby!

Did anyone else go through this when moving out? Does it get better? It's been almost a full month since we moved out and sometimes I wish I could go back to the way things were, move all our stuff back into my room at home and pretend we never moved out. We were so comfortable there, and I wonder why we moved out in the first place when we were so happy all together. :(

Re: Missing family, Sad about moving out of parents' house

  • edited August 2014

    Hello all, I am new to the community forums here but I need to vent, get advice, or just know that I'm not alone...

    I am 26 years old and have been married since October. My husband moved here to the USA from England one month before we got married. Prior to that, we had a long-distance relationship for 6 years. Apart from when I was in college living in the dorms, I spent my entire life with my family (parents, sister, and family cat). When my husband moved here, he also moved in with my family while his green card and work permit were being sorted out. Last month, we finally moved out into an apartment across town from my family, and I am an emotional wreck. I was excited about the idea of moving and being on our own, but now that it's actually happened, I cry almost every day because I am so sad about not being with my family anymore. I have been going over there a few times a week to hang out or do laundry, and I cry every time I drive back to the apartment. I also usually cry when they've left after a visit.

    My family and I have always been very close and it is really hard to not be with them all the time. I love sitting down to dinner with my family every night and talking about how our day was, watching the evening news together, laughing at tv shows, helping with the gardening & housework, and other day-to-day togetherness things that I probably took for granted. I tear up & straight up cry at random moments throughout the day thinking about my family and what I would normally be doing if I was at home with them. Sometimes I even feel sick to my stomach.

    On top of this, I also feel really silly/guilty because my husband moved across the world to be with me. He is close with his family as well, and now only sees them a 1-2x per year, yet he is handling that better than I am handling being 30 minutes away from my family. He is being very supportive about the whole thing, holding me when I cry and listening to me talk about how sad I am. But I still feel horrible for having this extreme of a reaction, I feel like a big baby!

    Did anyone else go through this when moving out? Does it get better? It's been almost a full month since we moved out and sometimes I wish I could go back to the way things were, move all our stuff back into my room at home and pretend we never moved out. We were so comfortable there, and I wonder why we moved out in the first place when we were so happy all together. :(

    What I think will help you a lot:

    Volunteer somewhere --- help others. It will keep you occupied and I am pretty sure you'll have less time where thoughts about "gee I wish I still was with my family in that environment" are bound to crop up.

    You might also want to speak to a counselor.  If finances are relatively well, most young people in their early or mid 20s have moved out of their parents' homes and into one of their own.  It sounds like you've had a little bit too much "family" in my opinion and you're having a tough time breaking the apron strings.

    Nip this in the bud now. Here is why: when you're married you and your spouse are an automatic "Family" --- he's your first priority, you are his first priority and you're one complete unit. Your parents and his parents no longer are part of the picture; that is how it is when you get married.

    Another reason to nip this in the bud: sooner or later your and your H will argue about this very topic -- your "closeness" to your parents. And it won't be a good or a pretty thing to behold. The arguments are very likely to be vehement and ugly.

    Wishing you luck; let us know what happens.

    Also work with your husband to make your new abode one that is your place and his! There's nothing more liberating than starting a new life and a new home.  Decorate it together; add your own touches.

    And as harsh as it sounds: limit parental visits to your home. You and he are supposed to be adjusting to newlywed life; don't let your home with your husband turn into your parents' SECOND HOME.

    Same goes for you and him: limit strictly the visits you and/or you and he pay to your parents' home! There is no need for you to go there to do your laundry! You are treating your parental home like an extension of your home with him!

    A counselor stat --- you need to cut the apron strings asap.
  • I understand where you're coming from.  I don't see anything issue with you having only just moved out- my mother didn't move out from her parent's house until she was 29.  That in itself isn't an issue.  What you need to come to terms with is this: Your primary home and your primary family must be the one with your husband.

    You need to not go home for a couple of weeks.  This will allow you to create a routine with your husband.  Once you have a routine that involves only him, and not your family, you won't feel so homesick.  

    Are your parents making your feel guilty?  They need to give you space and you need to create boundaries with them.  They can't just pop over whenever, just as you shouldn't just pop into their house whenever either.

    I promise that you will adjust.  It took me a few weeks to adjust to moving out of my parents house.  I cried a few times.  I mostly cried at dinner time.  We always had dinner together as a family.  I realized though, that I was still have dinner with my family- my husband was my family.  We created routines- routines I like better than the ones I had with my parents because I helped create those routines, whereas my parents had created routines for me before.  You will move past this and find a healthy way of having an adult relationship with your family.
    TarponMonoxide
  • Thanks for the advice. I am glad someone understands! :) Dinner time is one of the saddest parts of my day right now, because it's just the two of us instead of the five or six of us at my parents' house. I like what you said about how I still am having dinner with my family- my husband. I will try to remember that.

    Nobody is making me feel guilty, my parents and my sister have both been great about the whole move. It is usually me who initiates when we get together because they are trying to give me and my husband some space. I haven't told them how sad I still am, I did mention to my mom a few times when we first moved that it was more emotional than I thought it would be. I am hoping I adjust to our new life with time, especially since I go back to work in two weeks (I work at a school so I've been on summer break).

  • I am going to be blunt.  

    Livinig at home at the age of 26 is not unusual.  Crying ever single day when you leave to go back to your marital home is.  

    Part of being ready to marry is being ready to live with this other person 100% and forge a new life together.  If you don't work this out and soon, you are going to lose your husband.  


    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    Maybride2NoneForUs
  • I'm not from a large family so maybe I just don't understand but I think it's very weird for you to be THAT sad about no longer living with your family. A little sad- sure. Crying every day? Not a good sign. Especially if they are just across town, which is not far at all. Maybe it's just an adjustment period since you both moved out and got married relatively recently and it's a big change. Do you have any pets? Maybe that would help your home feel more "full". Do you have a job or hobby? Or do you just stay in the apartment all day? If it's the latter, then I can understand feeling lonely.
    Anniversary
  • Ilumine said:
    I am going to be blunt.  

    Livinig at home at the age of 26 is not unusual.  Crying ever single day when you leave to go back to your marital home is.  

    Part of being ready to marry is being ready to live with this other person 100% and forge a new life together.  If you don't work this out and soon, you are going to lose your husband.  


    Bingo, Illimine!

    More or less what I said: the OP's place is with her H, not her family.

    Getting a hobby is a great idea -- so is volunteering and helping others.

    And definitely see a counselor; you need to get this nipped in the bud now.

    How much time did you spend with your H? You said it was a 6 year long distance relationship. That in itself isn't good, inasmuch as you need to have extended time spent with that person.  Maybe the LDR itself added to your problems, also --- I don't know --- you need a counselror stat. As I said, you and your H will eventually argue over the fact you are spending too much time with your parents and believe me, it won't be a pretty scene.
  • Maybride2Maybride2 member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited August 2014
    I moved out of my parents home at 18. I was a little homesick the first few months, but I never CRIED over it. I truly don't see things going well for you and your marriage, at all. Your husband, if he's normal, will begin to resent you for resenting him for "making you leave your family". Truly - it must suck to have moved across the world for someone only to watch them throw a tantrum every day because your company and love isn't enough. I predict that within the next 3 years, you're living with your parents again and he's living somewhere else.......by hey, at least you'll be eating dinner every night with your folks again
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Maybride2 said:
    I moved out of my parents home at 18. I was a little homesick the first few months, but I never CRIED over it. I truly don't see things going well for you and your marriage, at all. Your husband, if he's normal, will begin to resent you for resenting him for "making you leave your family". Truly - it must suck to have moved across the world for someone only to watch them throw a tantrum every day because your company and love isn't enough. I predict that within the next 3 years, you're living with your parents again and he's living somewhere else.......by hey, at least you'll be eating dinner every night with your folks again
    Wow this was unnecessarily rude.  Don't diminish her feelings.  She's feeling the way she's feeling and she's working on it. She's not defending her actions- she asking how to get over this and make it better.  She's not throwing tantrums.  And she's never said her husband's love wasn't enough.  Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. 
  • Yeah, I guess I was rude. I just can't even imagine being 26 and crying every day for an entire month because I'm so broken up over not living with my mom and dad. And I can't imagine being married to someone who cried every day for an entire month because they missed living with their parents so much......it would suck the fun and love out of our marriage. So I'm being rude and blunt - time to grow up, time to get over it. Because her marriage isn't going to last long if she doesn't.
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Maybride2 said:
    Yeah, I guess I was rude. I just can't even imagine being 26 and crying every day for an entire month because I'm so broken up over not living with my mom and dad. And I can't imagine being married to someone who cried every day for an entire month because they missed living with their parents so much......it would suck the fun and love out of our marriage. So I'm being rude and blunt - time to grow up, time to get over it. Because her marriage isn't going to last long if she doesn't.
    Yeah, this is the part that gets me. Especially when he left his family across a damn ocean to be with her. How shitty must he be feeling?
  • I cried a few times.  That was 2.5 years ago.  I got over it and it was never once something that he threw back at me in a negative way.  H was extremely understanding and I've asked him now, 2.5 years later if he ever felt shitty or felt that he wasn't enough and he said he never felt that way.  It's true he didn't move across an ocean for me, but he said he knew I would get over it and was there for me in the meantime.  It never became a huge issue in my marriage- it never became any issue in my marriage. OP knows that she needs to move on and she will.
    lovebug923
  • Thanks BlueBirdMB! Besides you, this is probably the least supportive message board I have ever seen. Instead of helping each other and saying "Don't worry, it will get better with time," I am basically seeing "Get over it now or your marriage is going to end."

    And for the record, a week later, things are slowly getting better. I have been reaching out to friends and trying to stay as busy as I can during the day when I am home alone. Next week I go back to work after being off all summer, so I think it will help that we will both be working & we will get settled into a routine. It is hard to get into a routine with so much free time to dwell on being lonely all day! I still really miss my family cat (and my husband has admitted that he does too!) so we will most likely be adopting a cat soon, which will make the apartment seem less empty.

    He has been great through my emotional journey. I think it helps that he understands where I am coming from because he is feeling it too. He misses his family and he misses being with everyone in my family too. Being around my family for the first year of living in the US & having their emotional support helped him get through the process of immigrating. Now we are getting used to being alone, just the two of us, and starting to enjoy it more. I should have never posted on here and just trusted myself that it will get better with time.

  • Ok, so basically what you are saying is that getting out there and doing things has helped with your homesickness...

    So the questions are, why did it take you 30+ days to either figure it out or get motivated enough to start?  What was that turning point? and was it you that made the choice to do or was it thrust upon you?

    Because THIS POINT - "life is what you put into it" - is going to matter throughout the rest of your days.  It covers everything, from getting a job to raising your children to handing a crappy neighbor/boss/family member to overcoming every single negative that is thrown your way. 

    And that is why you have not had the handholding, sugar and spice responses you were looking for.  Because 'things don't get better with time" on their own.  And by 26, if you hadn't figure that out, coddling you wasn't going to get you there - hence you wouldn't be expecting that response in the first place.

    I hope that you find your path, but given your final sentence, I do not think you learned the lesson yet.  It wasn't TIME that helped you and your DH, it was YOU DOING SOMETHING POSITIVE.  

    So good luck. 
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    Maybride2
  • edited August 2014

    Thanks BlueBirdMB! Besides you, this is probably the least supportive message board I have ever seen. Instead of helping each other and saying "Don't worry, it will get better with time," I am basically seeing "Get over it now or your marriage is going to end."

    And for the record, a week later, things are slowly getting better. I have been reaching out to friends and trying to stay as busy as I can during the day when I am home alone. Next week I go back to work after being off all summer, so I think it will help that we will both be working & we will get settled into a routine. It is hard to get into a routine with so much free time to dwell on being lonely all day! I still really miss my family cat (and my husband has admitted that he does too!) so we will most likely be adopting a cat soon, which will make the apartment seem less empty.

    He has been great through my emotional journey. I think it helps that he understands where I am coming from because he is feeling it too. He misses his family and he misses being with everyone in my family too. Being around my family for the first year of living in the US & having their emotional support helped him get through the process of immigrating. Now we are getting used to being alone, just the two of us, and starting to enjoy it more. I should have never posted on here and just trusted myself that it will get better with time.

    It isn't going to get better with time. You're married a w hole year and you are feeling the same.

    Tomorrow: get to a therapist and start getting to the bottom of what is causing this problem. You can't let your parents take center stage over your husband.

    And end the visits there, stat. You'll have to go cold turkey on this -- also, no emails or messages using any electronic means, nor any phone calls, to your parents.

    Lonely all day this summer???

    WOW --- haven't you got a hobby, or a volunteer endeavor, or an activity you partake in? What about a gym, a group endeavor or interacting with your neighbors?

    You also could have gotten a summer job.

    This isn't the right way to feel --- get to a therapist stat, as I said.
  • Ilumine said:
    I am going to be blunt.  

    Livinig at home at the age of 26 is not unusual.  Crying ever single day when you leave to go back to your marital home is.  

    Part of being ready to marry is being ready to live with this other person 100% and forge a new life together.  If you don't work this out and soon, you are going to lose your husband.  


    This. If you are still crying about leaving your parents' house all the time, you aren't mature enough to marry and become a new family with your husband. Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be around forever. Your husband needs to come first and you need to individuate. You are a grown woman and it is time to cut the apron strings. Stop visiting your parents home so often-spend more time with the man who moved to a new country to be with you!

    I can tell you that if I lived at home until marriage and constantly wept about missing my parents, my husband would not have married me. He wanted an independent woman who could function without her parents. 

    It sounds like you have some growing up to do before you get married. 


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