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Is he a cheater?

I was recently snooping around (because I had a nagging feeling) on my long term partner's cell phone and found some messages between he and another woman. I confronted him about this and he told me that he did have a sexual relationship with her but it was before me and sexted her during a period of a few months that we were not together. I don't have any proof that what he says isn't true but he never told me about seeing her and I am most disturbed by a recent email he sent her. He apologized for "the way he left things" with her and said that he still thinks about her often and made a comment about how great their "physical" relationship was. He says he just wanted to give her some closure because he felt bad about the way he treated her. I feel it is very inappropriate that he contacted her after not talking to her for almost two years and that he felt the need to tell her he thinks about her and remind her how great their sexual relationship was. Her response was basically that she missed him and he had yet to respond back to her at the point of my intercepting these messages.  I feel like he was looking to rekindle something, which is cheating.  He disagrees. Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to tell him he needs to cut off all contact with this person? They are friends on facebook. Do I have a right to ask him to give me his passwords to his accounts? I feel like there are some time gaps and he has given me reasons to be suspicious. Thanks for any feedback!

Re: Is he a cheater?

  • I was recently snooping around (because I had a nagging feeling) on my long term partner's cell phone and found some messages between he and another woman. I confronted him about this and he told me that he did have a sexual relationship with her but it was before me and sexted her during a period of a few months that we were not together. I don't have any proof that what he says isn't true but he never told me about seeing her and I am most disturbed by a recent email he sent her. He apologized for "the way he left things" with her and said that he still thinks about her often and made a comment about how great their "physical" relationship was. He says he just wanted to give her some closure because he felt bad about the way he treated her. I feel it is very inappropriate that he contacted her after not talking to her for almost two years and that he felt the need to tell her he thinks about her and remind her how great their sexual relationship was. Her response was basically that she missed him and he had yet to respond back to her at the point of my intercepting these messages.  I feel like he was looking to rekindle something, which is cheating.  He disagrees. Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to tell him he needs to cut off all contact with this person? They are friends on facebook. Do I have a right to ask him to give me his passwords to his accounts? I feel like there are some time gaps and he has given me reasons to be suspicious. Thanks for any feedback!
    I don't know if this is cheating or not.

    I don't like the comment about how great their physical relationship was.

    I don't even know why he felt he had to be such the big guy and step forward and offer some kind of olive branch. That bothers me a bit.

    As for policing him:

    Not healthy and not right.

    Don't do it.

    Besides, it is likely you will never catch him doing anything, if he does. He could have anotehr phone you don't know about or communicate with her elsewhere, like at a public library, where he can use the computers there to email back and forth to her.

    This is only a long term partner?

    If you are not comfortable with this communication --- even just this one?

    Find another boyfriend.

    Perhaps this is not the guy for you. GL.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I feel like he was looking to rekindle something, which is cheating.  He disagrees. Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to tell him he needs to cut off all contact with this person? They are friends on facebook. Do I have a right to ask him to give me his passwords to his accounts? I feel like there are some time gaps and he has given me reasons to be suspicious. Thanks for any feedback!
    "Looking to rekindle" is NOT cheating.  Really, it's not.

    No, you don't have the "right" to tell him to cut off contact.  you can ask him to do so and I'd hope he would.  But you can't demand it.  And really- I think HIS response to all this would be telling.

    If he won't do it on his own and/or does it only because you made him - he clealry doesn't really WANT to.  And if he doesn't want to, that would bother me.

    over this one incident, I think it's a bit much to ask for his passwords.

    But - all this being said, you clearly don't trust him.  And for the fact that he told you he thinks of this woman and told you what a great physical relationship they had.... um, yeah - i don't think he's quite over her and yes, I would question his true motives.

    I agree with Tarpon- I don't know that this is really the guy for you.
  • I do not like the "physical" comment either- not appropriate.  I know this is hard, I've been there done that, but if you feel the need to police him, then this isn't a good relationship or a relationship worth saving.  Break this off. 
  • This is not cheating, it is definatly a breach of trust... I mean why would he reach out to her in this sort of a manner if he wasn't looking for some kind of ego stroke/satisfaction out of it? I would let him know that this REALLY bothers you & that if he really loves you he wouldn't need to reach out to old flames... there is a point in all relationships where its time to let all "that past" stuff go. He may not be there yet... One thing you can do for yourself is do more for you get your hair done doll up some and "be busy" it makes your more desirable. Tell him how you feel, spice yourself up a bit and if he doesn't take the first step in making it right show him the door...
  • the two of you need to set boundaries to protect your marriage. if something makes you uncomfortable and he values his marriage he wont be putting himself in these situations...

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