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Need advice

Ok so me and my husband of 3 years have had our issues in the past. We were long distance for a good portion of time and during that time I found out that he was texting and messaging other girls. He would stay out and party and would forget to call me and let me know that he had made it home. This created some really deep trust issues for me that I am not sure that I am completely over. We separated for a while both saw other people but he ended up wanting to stay married so we had a very long discussion about the things that needed to change. I told him if I want to check his accounts  (email,texts etc) I was going to for piece of mind and he was really going to have to make an effort to show me that this relationship was something that he wanted because he had been the one to tell me that we should get divorced because he just didn't love me the same way anymore. He moved back in with me and things started off better he was very attentive and sweet buying me flowers leaving me little notes and just being the ideal husband. I ended up getting pregnant (birth control failure).  I still felt the need to check his phone so I did and found that on facebook he had messaged a girl from our hometown (we were not living there) that he didn't know. He told her that she probably didn't know him but he had seen her out jogging around town and that she may have seen him in his lifted jeep. The contents of the text felt flirty like he had seen her out jogging and she looked good and he wanted to get to know her better. I was furious that he would still be messaging females even though it was someone so far away and he couldn't do anything with her I felt like it was emotional cheating. Especially after we had so many issues in the past with this and he knew it was a huge deal for me. I confronted him and he said he didn't even think anything of it was just talking but if it made me that uncomfortable that he wouldn't continue to do so. I pretty much had to blindly trust that he wouldn't do it again and felt that since I was pregnant I should try and make it work. Things seemed to continue to go ok then one night I had asked him to rub lotion on my belly because it was really difficult for me and I didn't think it was that much to ask, he was in a really bad mood and in a very mean tone told me he didn't feel like it, to do it myself and he rolled over and went to sleep. At this point I felt completely neglected, I had asked him to do a very tiny thing for me and his reaction was to lash out at me for no reason and act like a child. I had no idea what I had done to make him upset or why he was acting this way and it didn't help that I was pregnant and now my hormones were making me cry (not something that I did ever). I chose to lay down and go to bed, got up the next morning and started cleaning not wanting to talk to him for the way he had treated me. He got up and acted as if nothing had happened at all and asked why I was upset with him, I asked him why he had been mean to me, he told me he was just in a bad mood had nothing to do with me. So I just went back to cleaning, he asked me if I was going to talk to him and I told him I really didn't want to talk to him at the moment because I was upset that he would just decide it was ok to be mean to me for no reason. He then yelled fine, got up and grabbed his keys. I asked what he was doing and he told me there was no point in staying around the house if I wasn't going to talk to him. He came back a few hours later and I began trying to talk to him, I told him it wasn't ok for him to treat me like he had the night before just because he was mad doesn't mean he gets to treat me like crap. He got very defensive and didn't want to talk anymore, told me he was over it and went to our room, I followed him telling him no we were going to talk about it figure out the problem like adults at which point he refused to talk to me. I told him if we couldn't talk like adults there was no point in continuing to be together like this and I left the room intent on going to stay at a friends house. He finally came out and told me not to leave and we sat down and talked, he agreed to go see a therapist to figure out why he gets so angry and moody all the time. 

Things went well after that he started seeing a therapist however during this time I also ended up not really being able to have sex anymore because it was so painful. This seemed to put a huge strain on our relationship and instead of trying to control his attitude swings he just got into more and more bad moods. I would ask him what was wrong and his only answer was that he was irritated and just didn't want to talk at all. Now I can understand men needing their space and all but this was almost to the point where I questioned if he was bipolar because of the mood swings. We again got into a huge fight because I finally had, had enough and told him that we had talked about him treating me like this and he couldn't just treat me like crap because he was in a bad mood and felt like it. He told me that it was something that he couldn't change he was always going to be like this and that he didn't want to keep putting me through this so we discussed getting a divorce and for a few days had decided that's what we were going to do. We sat down a few days later however and I said maybe it was something that we could work on and if he was willing to try I would be willing to help and continue to help him try and change. Our other big issue over the months has been money, there have been months when I have been our only source of income and now that he is bringing in money again he treats it like it is his money instead of trying to contribute the majority of it to bills that I incurred during those months. 

The baby is now 3 weeks old and this brings me to my next incident that I can't tell if I am over reacting to or not. He decided to go to a baseball tournament 7 hours away which was ok with me, I knew it was going to be tough with the new little one but he loves baseball. The first night he was there got a phone call at 11:30pm saying he was at the hotel but they were all going to go out to the bar for a while and that he would talk to me in the morning. Right then I was upset because he didn't even consult me, there was no "hey do you mind if I go out with the guys", or anything I know I am not his mother but I am supposed to be his partner and it was him just telling me what he was going to go do. I asked him to call me when they got in, his response was it's going to be late did I really want him to call that late. Which again annoyed me, my thought was  I'm your wife I am home with our newborn I would like a phone call letting me know your actually back at the hotel and in for the night. However I told him in a snarky voice so he would know i was irritated to nevermind he didn't have to call me. He knew at that point he did so he said no it's alright I will call you when we get back we won't be out long anyway. Now my idea of not out long i few hours however I didn't get a phone call until 3am saying he had made it back. Now this on it's own, while irritating I could get over I was just annoyed and felt like my opinion didn't really matter. The next night however I got a phone call at 8pm but I couldn't really talk for to long because I was feeding the baby. He told me they were probably in for the night because some of the guys had bought a bunch of beer. I told him to call me back and let me know what they were going to be doing and to say goodnight. well 1:30am rolled around and I hadn't gotten a phone call so I finally just called his phone. There was no answer so now I was just livid, because the thoughts that come up were that it wasn't important for him to call and say goodnight to his wife and his new baby. Around 4am I finally got a call from him but couldn't answer because I was again feeding the baby so I texted him back saying feeding the baby did you need something. He said he had fallen asleep and was calling because he had missed my call. Told him i was going to go back to bed I'd talk to him later. Now the thing about this weekend that I think really set me off was that his actions reminded me of when we were long distance and he pretty much did whatever he wanted because I wasn't there to see face to face. The fact that he stayed up drinking for a few hours and passed out but couldn't bother to call me back and tell me that he decided to stay in for the night and say goodnight was what really got me. It made me feel very unimportant. When he got home he could tell I was upset so I started to tell him why that he had really hurt my feelings in acting the way that he did, he did say he was sorry but at the same time he didn't see the problem with what had happened. That created a problem for me because if he doesn't see the problem he will just continue to hurt me in the future without meaning to which is what I told him. He got defensive and said he had said he was sorry he couldn't do anything more, he was done talking and I could just let him know when I was over it. That was the end of the conversation really I just sat there not sure what to do or say, I slept on the couch with the baby in the bassinet next to me. This morning we didn't talk when he got up, he came over and gave me a kiss on the head ( not normal for us) and told me he loved me and left. 

So my big thing now is do I stay or go? Do I stay and just hope that eventually things will get better and eventually we can communicate better and that he will try and make an effort not to do things that he knows upset me? Or do I just try and call it quits and see if we can remain friends for our sons sake?

Re: Need advice

  • Sweetie, he didn't get in contact with that chick to be nice.  He was looking to cheat.  Married men just don't contact strange woman for the heck of it.  

    This man doesn't want to be a husband and a father.  I don't know what else to say.

    You can certainly try marriage counseling, but I think you should go on your own too.  You have some difficult decisions to make.
  • Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it and the time you took to read this. I guess it just re-assures what I have been thinking that if he wanted to be in this marriage then he really would have changed and not kept repeating the same patterns.
  • edited July 2014
    Ok so me and my husband of 3 years have had our issues in the past. We were long distance for a good portion of time and during that time I found out that he was texting and messaging other girls.

    Your problem --- him --- needed to end right there -- by you showing him the door and then you filing for divorce.

    Why would you tolerate a guy who simply has decided he wishes to be single again, and is going to live the single life regardless of the fact he is married to you?


    He would stay out and party and would forget to call me and let me know that he had made it home. This created some really deep trust issues for me that I am not sure that I am completely over. We separated for a while both saw other people but he ended up wanting to stay married so we had a very long discussion about the things that needed to change.

    Evidently he has not changed.

    I told him if I want to check his accounts  (email,texts etc) I was going to for piece of mind and he was really going to have to make an effort to show me that this relationship was something that he wanted because he had been the one to tell me that we should get divorced because he just didn't love me the same way anymore.

    You should have gotten the message right there: believe a guy when he says he does not wish to be married anymore.

    The second I got that message from him, he'd have been history. Why did you pursue the relationship after he gave you this information?

    How OLD is this guy and how old are you? I am guessing you and he are maybe young 20s.

    Check his accounts?

    Useless. He could get a tracphone or another cellphone you know nothing of.

    And do you really want to be a cop instead of a husband's equal and wife??? Why would you wish to be a cop? Police and check on everything? This is a life for you -- walking on eggs???

    He moved back in with me and things started off better he was very attentive and sweet buying me flowers leaving me little notes and just being the ideal husband. I ended up getting pregnant (birth control failure).  I still felt the need to check his phone so I did and found that on facebook he had messaged a girl from our hometown (we were not living there) that he didn't know.

    That you are willing to check his messages, as I said, is bad news.

    Don't be a cop -- be a wife -- and you simply do not trust him. This marriage is over based on that: you do not trust him and you never will.

    He told her that she probably didn't know him but he had seen her out jogging around town and that she may have seen him in his lifted jeep.

    This is either a cock and bull story or he is some kind of creep. Ugh.

    The contents of the text felt flirty like he had seen her out jogging and she looked good and he wanted to get to know her better.

    He wanted to do what??? UGH...wow, how creepy!

    And here you go again...you're really mad that he is up to his ole tricks!!!

    I was furious that he would still be messaging females even though it was someone so far away and he couldn't do anything with her I felt like it was emotional cheating.

    Well, kiddo, that is what it is --- emotional cheating! --- and you still have not gotten the picture. This is on you, not on him and he's gotten quite the chuckle that you fell for the bait yet once again.

    Get rid of him NOW. Before he causes further damage and before  he further erodes whatever self esteem you might have left.

    Especially after we had so many issues in the past with this and he knew it was a huge deal for me. I confronted him and he said he didn't even think anything of it was just talking but if it made me that uncomfortable that he wouldn't continue to do so.

    What happily --- and decent --- married man tells a strange girl that he wants to get to KNOW HER BETTER???

    How disgusting. Of him, that is.

    Sis, are you kidding? Do you get it yet at all?

    I pretty much had to blindly trust that he wouldn't do it again and felt that since I was pregnant I should try and make it work.

    This was over and for the fact that you were pregnant, he needed to go right there and then --- you never should have let child be exposed to a sick and dysfunctional marital relationship.

    Your child will grow up with the wrong message about marriage and the wrong message regarding how men are supposed to treat women.

    If you told him to take a walk before the kiddo was born, the child would have been spared what's happening between the 2 of you now.

    Things seemed to continue to go ok then one night I had asked him to rub lotion on my belly because it was really difficult for me and I didn't think it was that much to ask, he was in a really bad mood and in a very mean tone told me he didn't feel like it, to do it myself and he rolled over and went to sleep.

    And not only was he treating you like trash by virtue of the games with other ladies, now he is talking to you, too, like you are trash.

    At this point I felt completely neglected, I had asked him to do a very tiny thing for me and his reaction was to lash out at me for no reason and act like a child. I had no idea what I had done to make him upset or why he was acting this way and it didn't help that I was pregnant and now my hormones were making me cry (not something that I did ever).

    You should have booted him right there, if you ever were going to. Why did you even tolerate being spoken to like trash?

    I chose to lay down and go to bed, got up the next morning and started cleaning not wanting to talk to him for the way he had treated me. He got up and acted as if nothing had happened at all and asked why I was upset with him,

    Is he kidding?

    I asked him why he had been mean to me, he told me he was just in a bad mood had nothing to do with me.

    How childish of him -- he won't take blame for his actions.

    So I just went back to cleaning, he asked me if I was going to talk to him and I told him I really didn't want to talk to him at the moment because I was upset that he would just decide it was ok to be mean to me for no reason. He then yelled fine, got up and grabbed his keys. I asked what he was doing and he told me there was no point in staying around the house if I wasn't going to talk to him.

    I'd have grandly opened the door and applauded him as he left.

    He came back a few hours later and I began trying to talk to him, I told him it wasn't ok for him to treat me like he had the night before just because he was mad doesn't mean he gets to treat me like crap. He got very defensive and didn't want to talk anymore, told me he was over it and went to our room, I followed him telling him no we were going to talk about it figure out the problem like adults at which point he refused to talk to me. I told him if we couldn't talk like adults there was no point in continuing to be together like this and I left the room intent on going to stay at a friends house. He finally came out and told me not to leave and we sat down and talked, he agreed to go see a therapist to figure out why he gets so angry and moody all the time.

    Another part of the game he is playing. And common sense would dictate that you do not talk to your wife like that.

    WHY is he still with you???

    Things went well after that he started seeing a therapist however during this time I also ended up not really being able to have sex anymore because it was so painful. This seemed to put a huge strain on our relationship and instead of trying to control his attitude swings he just got into more and more bad moods.

    Bully to him. What a baby.

    "Strain on your relationship"? Ya mean there wasn't already one, because of all these women he's talking to on the side???

    I would ask him what was wrong and his only answer was that he was irritated and just didn't want to talk at all. Now I can understand men needing their space and all but this was almost to the point where I questioned if he was bipolar because of the mood swings.

    Bipolar?

    No, he is just a dick, a shithead and an SOB. Nothing is wrong with him organically.

    We again got into a huge fight because I finally had, had enough and told him that we had talked about him treating me like this and he couldn't just treat me like crap because he was in a bad mood and felt like it. He told me that it was something that he couldn't change he was always going to be like this and that he didn't want to keep putting me through this so we discussed getting a divorce and for a few days had decided that's what we were going to do.

    And again, you fell for the bait.

    We sat down a few days later however and I said maybe it was something that we could work on and if he was willing to try I would be willing to help and continue to help him try and change.

    Help him try and change?

    you cannot "make" him do it! He has to do this for himself and if you ask me, this is over. I have said it: over --- he has emotionally checked out of the marriage.

    The second you found out about the inappropriate relationships, you should have shown him the door.

    You'd have been free of him if you did it the second you found out about these other dalliances --- now there is a kiddo in the picture and by virtue of the fact there's a baby involved, even if you divorce him you are stuck with him parentally for 18 more years.

    You should have run like hell when you found out about the stable he had lined up. But you didn't.

    Our other big issue over the months has been money, there have been months when I have been our only source of income and now that he is bringing in money again he treats it like it is his money instead of trying to contribute the majority of it to bills that I incurred during those months.

    You should have nipped this in the bud, too. But you didn't.

    I would protect my finances, if I were you. He is not to be trusted.

    The baby is now 3 weeks old and this brings me to my next incident that I can't tell if I am over reacting to or not.

    And this is the part that kills me, completely and totally:

    He decided to go to a baseball tournament 7 hours away which was ok with me, I knew it was going to be tough with the new little one but he loves baseball.

    I cannot believe that this incident stretched into 2 and one half days:

    The first night he was there got a phone call at 11:30pm saying he was at the hotel but they were all going to go out to the bar for a while and that he would talk to me in the morning. Right then I was upset because he didn't even consult me, there was no "hey do you mind if I go out with the guys", or anything

    He wasn't at a baseball anything there was no hotel with the guys --- he was with another woman. I guarantee you.


    I know I am not his mother but I am supposed to be his partner and it was him just telling me what he was going to go do.

    I asked him to call me when they got in, his response was it's going to be late did I really want him to call that late. Which again annoyed me, my thought was  I'm your wife I am home with our newborn I would like a phone call letting me know your actually back at the hotel and in for the night. However I told him in a snarky voice so he would know i was irritated to nevermind he didn't have to call me. He knew at that point he did so he said no it's alright I will call you when we get back we won't be out long anyway.

    Now my idea of not out long i few hours however I didn't get a phone call until 3am saying he had made it back. Now this on it's own, while irritating I could get over I was just annoyed and felt like my opinion didn't really matter. The next night however I got a phone call at 8pm

    Wait a second....you got a call at what time??? And when? the NEXT night?

    8 pm the next day so at this point he is gone over 24 hours???

    He is with another woman. Don't you see what's happening here at all???

    What if something happened to you or the kiddo? What then? Where do you reach him --- "just" on his phone and suppose he does not answer?


    but I couldn't really talk for to long because I was feeding the baby. He told me they were probably in for the night because some of the guys had bought a bunch of beer.

    So now he is going to be gone another 12 or 15 hours???

    WHY are you tolerating this treatment???

    I'd have told him not to come home, changed the locks and filed for divorce the next day.

    He's left you holding the bag in every way and he's fed yo line after line after line --- is this respect for you? is this how a guy who loves his wife treats her???

    He has consistently used you as a doormat and has no respect for you. WOW --- therapy for you stat.

    I told him to call me back and let me know what they were going to be doing and to say goodnight. well 1:30am rolled around and I hadn't gotten a phone call so I finally just called his phone. There was no answer

    Classic sign of a guy who is with another woman. Surprised???

    so now I was just livid, because the thoughts that come up were that it wasn't important for him to call and say goodnight to his wife and his new baby.

    He doesn't care.

    And now this bullshit and him playing you is now into Day TWO?

    Around 4am I finally got a call from him but couldn't answer because I was again feeding the baby so I texted him back saying feeding the baby did you need something.

    Nice of you to be so concerned about his ass.

    He said he had fallen asleep and was calling because he had missed my call.

    Nice of him to find time for you, his wife, and the mother of his child.


    Told him i was going to go back to bed I'd talk to him later. Now the thing about this weekend that I think really set me off was that his actions reminded me of when we were long distance and he pretty much did whatever he wanted because I wasn't there to see face to face.

    This is why LDRs SUCK --- and this is why no couple newly married should be doing this. Your marriage doesn't get off on the right foot because you and he need to be with each other face to face every day to adjust to each other.


    The fact that he stayed up drinking for a few hours and passed out but couldn't bother to call me back and tell me that he decided to stay in for the night and say goodnight was what really got me.

    This is what you are assuming --- or is this what he told you?

    No; this is what you are assuming. He's shacking up with whoever it is -- and that is where he is.

    In a hotel?

    YOu needed to call that hotel he said he was in and ask for him -- I will bet you that there is no "John Smith" there registered.

    But of course, no need to do this because he's a past master of lying to you. And you are the past master of swallowing everything he has told you.

    It made me feel very unimportant.

    Really?

    But not unimportant enough to file for divorce as soon as the nearest attorney's office was open for the day.

    Right?

    When he got home he could tell I was upset so I started to tell him why that he had really hurt my feelings in acting the way that he did, he did say he was sorry but at the same time he didn't see the problem with what had happened.

    Only "hurt your feelings"?

    How old are you? About 18 or 19? You sound about that young.

    That created a problem for me because if he doesn't see the problem he will just continue to hurt me in the future without meaning to which is what I told him. He got defensive and said he had said he was sorry he couldn't do anything more, he was done talking and I could just let him know when I was over it. That was the end of the conversation really I just sat there not sure what to do or say,

    And you let this nasty comment go, too --- for you to get over it and let him know when you were.

     I slept on the couch with the baby in the bassinet next to me. This morning we didn't talk when he got up, he came over and gave me a kiss on the head ( not normal for us) and told me he loved me and left.

    Whoopie.

    So my big thing now is do I stay or go? Do I stay and just hope that eventually things will get better and eventually we can communicate better and that he will try and make an effort not to do things that he knows upset me? Or do I just try and call it quits and see if we can remain friends for our sons sake?
    Get rid of him.

    This is over.

    File and do not look back and make sure you get alimony and child support.

    End of story.

    Therapy for you immediately --- because you have no respect for yourself! If you did, no way you'd have tolerated one second of his nonsense. He'd have been gone and out of the picture immediaely, married or not. Cheating -- including this bullshit with chatting up other women in an indecent way -- is a DEALBREAKER.

  • Things went well after that he started seeing a therapist however during this time I also ended up not really being able to have sex anymore because it was so painful. This seemed to put a huge strain on our relationship and instead of trying to control his attitude swings he just got into more and more bad moods. I would ask him what was wrong and his only answer was that he was irritated and just didn't want to talk at all. Now I can understand men needing their space and all but this was almost to the point where I questioned if he was bipolar because of the mood swings. We again got into a huge fight because I finally had, had enough and told him that we had talked about him treating me like this and he couldn't just treat me like crap because he was in a bad mood and felt like it. He told me that it was something that he couldn't change he was always going to be like this and that he didn't want to keep putting me through this so we discussed getting a divorce and for a few days had decided that's what we were going to do. We sat down a few days later however and I said maybe it was something that we could work on and if he was willing to try I would be willing to help and continue to help him try and change. Our other big issue over the months has been money, there have been months when I have been our only source of income and now that he is bringing in money again he treats it like it is his money instead of trying to contribute the majority of it to bills that I incurred during those months. 



    He doesn't want to change, you can't make him change, he's not going to change.  Please leave him and find someone who will treat you better.
    image
  • I would be really upset too. In the past I've had boyfriends that have acted like that with their friends and not call or anything too. It would turn into a huge fight every time. It turns into a fight now with my current boyfriend.

    I do not really think they understand why we get upset when they do those things

    And if he wasn't looking to cheat, he wouldn't have talked to that girl.

    I hope your situation gets easier and better for you and baby.
  • Hi there!

    You have a dilemma. I used to have this sort of dilemma too. I managed to snag a "winner" that kept popping back up in my life for about 4-5 years. The moment I let go of him was the moment I realized I did the right thing for my son.

    My DS is now about 3, yes it's Mr. "winner" 's child, and he knows, but he doesn't want to deal with him so he does nothing about it. I am happily married to my HD of a year and a half, and we were dating about a year when we got married. Right now my DS doesn't know he has "two dads" but he will by the time he's 5 so he can deal with that healthily for the rest of his life like I did.

    All of the signs and red flags are there as the PPs have stated. You need trust. I can honestly say I have never, not once, looked through my HD's phone, bank account statements, or FB account for fear of cheating (administratively for FB, I stalked him on his page while we were dating lol). I trust him completely. We have separate accounts, he pays the rent I pay everything else. When we go through financial troubles we both know what's going on, and though our money is separate its still "ours".

    This may sound a little like a slap in the face, just to warn you: Just because he helped you make a baby, and whether or not he wants to be a father, it doesn't sound like he's ready to be your husband. He needs to grow up some more. Therapy may help temporarily, but he is not going to change his actions until he has a real reason to do so. I'm very sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like your affection seems to be enough of a reason for him. If he is talking to other women too, especially women he doesn't know and he doesn't tell you he's contacting them, that is a real trust infringement. Being your husband he should tell you first, not have you find out about it later. Sneaky activity is not something you should have to deal with in a marriage (unless it's for a surprise party!)

    I hope you get what you want out of your relationship, and congrats on your baby! I think as soon as you let go you'll feel better though. (I wish I had listened to the friends and family that told me to do the same sooner, though I wouldn't have my amazing son if I had)
  • Four sentences in reading your post and I say dump him! You don't need a guy like this in your life.

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