Trouble in Paradise
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Out of work husband

Hello all!

I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice.

My husband has been out of work for over a year and I have been footing all the bills. I has looked for jobs here and there but the idea has become a little lackluster. Now he kind of hangs at our apartment, plays video games, and plays hockey all the time.

I try to be encouraging and help motivate him but it doesn't work. He puts all his focus on playing hockey with his friends and not on how we need to make money. I don't want him to quit what makes him but now I'm not happy. I've even expressed how bad we need the money and how I may need to quit something I love doing on my free time to get a second job.

I love him and I don't want to leave him but I'm now tired of doing everything with no help. I feel like maybe I'm being too much of a nag about it and that's not what he needs to get off his feet. So maybe some positive reinforcement??

If anyone has been in this position, any advice would be helpful. Thanks'

Re: Out of work husband

  • I've never been in this situation", but I know someone who has and let me tell you how shitty it is. I realize the economy is still bad in some (a lot) of areas, but it seems like your H is not making any effort here to look for work. Perhaps he's depressed about it or its been so long that he feels discouraged, but that's no real excuse to leave you with the burden of paying for everything. The fact that you are now considering taking a second job - wtf kind of bullshit is that? Your H is just going to keep doing what he's doing while YOU break your back? Think about that for a minute - YOU are going to take a second job while your H is doing nothing to contribute to the household. Is this what you want for yourself? I'd be telling him that he needs to either find a job - any job, even if it's just temporary until he finds whatever it is he wants in whatever field he's trained in - or GTFO. You'd be better off supporting yourself (which is what you're doing already) rather than having this deadweight.
  • Oh, and btw - I realize there are times when one (or both partners) could be out of work in a relationship, but neither me or my H would ever let the other shoulder all of the burden of house expenses (or anything else) - we would do whatever it takes so the other isn't stuck with everything. You know, like work as a team....because that's what a marriage is. Hell, when we first moved back from EU and I was looking for work in my field, I took a temporary job in a bakery to make $ and H took side jobs as a mobile DJ.

    OP, your H sounds lazy, sorry to say...
    Leftie22
  • How old are you guys?


    Being out of work is one thing, acting like a child is something totally different. You are dealing with a child. The economy does suck and good jobs are hard to come by, but he can take a crappy job at least for the time being so his wife doesn't have to everything.

    I wouldn't give two craps about his happiness with hockey? Really?

    Sounds like you have a son not a husband, and it will continue to be this way unless you do something about it.

    I would leave before I had to get a 2nd job to support this slacker.



    R.Wilsonny
  • You have to gather up your self respect.  No self respecting person ( man or woman) would tolerate it.  

    I really don't know what to tell you.  It's been a year, and even if he's depressed, he should still be considerate enough to get at least a part time job.  He's not getting a job and you need to accept that this is your future.  Well unless you have the cahoonies to change it.  


    R.Wilsonny
  • edited June 2014
    Hello all! I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice. My husband has been out of work for over a year and I have been footing all the bills. I has looked for jobs here and there but the idea has become a little lackluster. Now he kind of hangs at our apartment, plays video games, and plays hockey all the time. I try to be encouraging and help motivate him but it doesn't work. He puts all his focus on playing hockey with his friends and not on how we need to make money. I don't want him to quit what makes him but now I'm not happy. I've even expressed how bad we need the money and how I may need to quit something I love doing on my free time to get a second job. I love him and I don't want to leave him but I'm now tired of doing everything with no help. I feel like maybe I'm being too much of a nag about it and that's not what he needs to get off his feet. So maybe some positive reinforcement?? If anyone has been in this position, any advice would be helpful. Thanks'
    The whole crux of the problem:

    The job market SUCKS.

    it's dead, in fact.

    I gave up looking for another job --- I am gainfully employed but was looking for a better deal --- the ads for jobs in my field (admin assistant) are few and far in between and when they do appear, they're not all they are cracked up to be.

    It is tough to follow up when you've sent your resume. It used to be that you would be able to speak with the job contact immediately. Not anymore. If you do call that person --- providing you have the persons name and now you don't always have the name of the job contact --- you get their voicemail or you dont' get a reply back when you email them.

    Job hunting is not what it used to be. it's a crapshoot --- lots of times there is no way to find out if the company got your resume. You cannot call and automatically get somebody in HR or find the job contact to confirm yes or no the resume has been received.

    (and forget anonymous blind ads. Anybody at all can be placing the ad; maybe it's somebody who is collecting info, or an agency or who knows who it might be)

    I don't know what he is by trade -- can he speak to his college's alumni association? Sometimes there is a job assistance program operated by one's college.

    Since the job market is dead, your H can still look for a job but do something else constructive with the rest of his time:volunteer someplace.  That wouldn't be a bad idea.

    Even the part time jobs, retail jobs and other service jobs -- which used to be in excess and now those jobs, too, are hard to get --- you can't go into the restaurant or store and apply for the job; you have to do it on line and sometimes you don't even hear back from the store or restaurant.  And when you do hear from them, the interview is just as big a rigamarole as a 9-5 job is. What do they WANT from us?! Give a person the job! It's trite and silly and doesn't make sense; why the big fuss for a little part time job???

    For a restaurant or retail job, I suggest a mom and pop store. He can speak to the owner or manager directly and it's not any apply on line bullshit.

    I wouldn't even suggest that your H go back to school for something. I don't even know what jobs are in demand anymore; the unemployment rate is still pretty high and lots of jobs have been outsourced and offshored.

    Cold calling and visiting an office complex to see who might have a job available -- he can try; bring resumes along.

    And our unemployment offices in our state are busting at the seams. With people with advanced degrees and years of experience. This isn't good news for us or our economy --- there are also many older people out of work.

    I'll be frank: It doesn't look good for anybody who has been out of work for a year. This is somebody who is long term unemployed. It's possible he may not find employment in his field ever again.

    If your H has a marketable talent, I suggest he cash in on it.  Sell what he can make or do --- perhaps open up an etsy shop.

    And if you know somebody?

    I suggest you use that person to get your foot in the door of that person's company. Itr's always who you know, not WHAT you know.  More or less have this person get your H the job? Absolutely!
  • edited June 2014
    And PS: On his resume he can say that he currently is self employed. He can tell job interviewers that he is a consultant --- in the field he is in by trade. ("April 2013 - Present: JMS Consultants" - let him use his initials and then list what he'd be doing as a consultant in his field. There is no shame in saying you are self employed)

    He has to show a potential employer he is doing SOMETHING.

    Why can't he do that? Work as a consultant in whatever field he is in --- and be self employed? Surely he has enough contacts from his former employer, has he not?

    If he likes hockey so much, what about coaching kids when it is time for the season? Why not mentor kids or volunteer in a kids' program?

    I strongly suggest he volunteer someplace; I mentioned that earlier on. Try your local animal shelter or a hospital or the senior center during the day or the local library.
  • If your H is willing to watch you take a second job while he plays video games and hockey, he is a selfish, lazy bum. Sorry to be harsh, but that's just ridiculous. If he can't find anything in his field and you two are struggling, he needs to take whatever comes his way, while also looking for something in his field. My DH quit his job while I was on maternity leave, and after 3 months of him not looking very hard, we had to have a serious chat. I was honest with him that if I had to go back to work early just because he wasn't applying for jobs, I would never forgive him. He was honest with himself that he wasn't trying very hard. For us, he just needed that reality check and to realize that his laziness was affecting me in a very negative way. It might be time for some tough love. You've been understanding, now it's time to expect more from your husband. He needs to pull his weight.
    R.WilsonnyDisneygeek77Tofumonkey
  • I haven't been in this situation, but my grandfather lost his job probably close to 10 times over the course of his life.  He had a terrible habit of talking back to his bosses, but I digress.

    He may have had a habit of talking back, but he always worked hard.  One year, he was out of work for a whole year, and he literally dug ditches and stuffed envelopes for money.  He always worked full time at finding a job and working odd jobs to make extra cash.  You do what you have to do.  And finding a new job is a full time job if you do it right.

    My husband is an immigrant.  He came here when was 8 years old and his father worked 3 jobs and his mother 2 to try and get enough money to get them out of their one bedroom apartment.  These were people with masters degrees who worked at McDonalds and bagging groceries.  

    If you aren't willing to do what it takes to make money, then you are either A. Lazy or B. have an entitlement problem.  No one is too good to roll up their sleeves and do some hard work at a minimum wage job to make some extra cash.  

    If your husband is lazying around your house, then he is either one of the two that I listed above.  He needs to get off his ass, realize that he is no better than anybody else, and get whatever job he can to make some extra money. He should also consider using some career consulting services- some are very good.  He should be looking for a job in his field every single day, while making money doing something else in the mean time.

    I built a business at the height of the recession, while working on the side at summer camps, and being a personal assistant.  I have no sympathy for anyone who can't take care of themselves.  Get off your ass and work hard at something.
    Tofumonkey
  • Who is funding his hockey time? My husband plays hockey in men's leagues and you have to pay to play (for ice rental), take turns bringing beer, and never mind having to replace equipment! It is an incredibly expensive sport! PLEASE tell me you are not paying for this?!

    My husband worked a job he HATED and was way over qualified for 3 1/2 years because it was hard to find a new job. Not only did it pay just above minimum it was a hostile environment. It broke my heart he was so miserable for so long, but he knew he had to work. Then in February he lost that job, and he was so upset being unemployed and I said this is your opportunity to put all your effort into finally finding a new job. Within a month he started a new sales job and in these 4 months he has been promoted to a supervisor position, is training new hires and some weeks have made quadruple what he was making at his old job!

    One more thing to add.. in that month he was unemployed he picked up A LOT more of the household responsibility as his way to contribute to the household. No matter what we are a partnership, and it will never be 50%-50% but we both do everything we can to take care of the other as much as we can.
    image
  • It's true the job market is totally different than it use to be.  I've been self employed for 4 years and don't miss the corporate america at all.  The last job I did get was back in 2007 and at that time I was tired of sending my resumes into career builder and feeling like they were going into a black hole so I walked into offices and handed my resume in person.  that's  how you have to get a job these days.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BlueBirdMB
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