Trouble in Paradise
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Would you have trust issues after this?

Quick background:  Married almost 7 years, together 7 years prior to that, two kids.  I've always had pain with sex so our sex life has never been great.  Relationship hasn't been good at all lately (fighting, family deaths, emergencies, as well as a lot of laziness and irresponsible-ness on DH's part).  I give DH a lot of leeway in hanging out with friends.

Couple weeks ago, he went to a bar to hang with some friends and play pool (normal thing he does).  Our garage is also set-up as a "man cave" where they all hang out.  A few weeks ago I was already in bed when he got home and could hear talking (couldn't understand what though).  Next day I ask him if he had fun, who was over, etc.. told me a woman he met at a bar was over.  At first, I was not worried about it.  Then he says he didn't go to bed until 3-4am.  I find out they were alone for at least part of that time.  Then he laughs and says, yeah, its funny, she and a friend of hers actually asked if I wanted to have a threesome.  Thats when I got upset.  He said they ended up just talking about how she got out of a long-term relationship and she was having issues.  He said he did not talk about our relationship and made it clear he was married.  I made it clear that wasn't okay, he said "nothing" happened.  I told him I didn't care and the fact that he thought it was okay was what made me so upset.  He told me he'd stop talking to her, and he has.

Being snoopy, I looked at our cell phone activity on our bill and essentially he called and texted her over the course of two days, some texts and calls late, like 12-3 am.  He did truly stop contacting her.

But then he got pissy with me this week and it started a fight because he wants to know when he's "off probation" because this issue, along with a lot of other things that have accumulated, and my pain issues, have made our physical relationship non-existent.  Last time we were even intimate was February.  So he's rightfully upset about that, and I'm sure some of this stuff with this woman were because he was getting attention and he probably enjoyed it.

But would you have trust issues after that? Am I over-reacting?


Re: Would you have trust issues after this?

  • edited May 2014
    kelised83 said:
    Quick background:  Married almost 7 years, together 7 years prior to that, two kids.  I've always had pain with sex so our sex life has never been great.

    Regarding the pain --- did you discuss this with your H and also with your physician? It could hvae been due to anything from not enough foireplay to sex in certain positions, endometriosis, a fibroid, some other physical problem,  a hormonal imbalance or something psychological.

    Communication is key.  That's for any issue that affects you and your H (and your family --- as in you him and the kids --- if applicable)

    This is fixable. Get to a doc and get a checkup; on your own try more foreplay and lots of lube and avoid positions that are uncomfortable and cause pain.

     Relationship hasn't been good at all lately (fighting, family deaths, emergencies, as well as a lot of laziness and irresponsible-ness on DH's part).  I give DH a lot of leeway in hanging out with friends.

    This is where he needs to pick up the ball and be more responsible. No 2 ways about it.

    Couple weeks ago, he went to a bar to hang with some friends and play pool (normal thing he does).  Our garage is also set-up as a "man cave" where they all hang out.  A few weeks ago I was already in bed when he got home and could hear talking (couldn't understand what though).  Next day I ask him if he had fun, who was over, etc.. told me a woman he met at a bar was over.

    He met a woman, at a bar --- and brought her into the home he shares with you, his wife????

    This is bad. SEE red --- I know that I sure AM!

    And who is he to bring a stranger into YOUR home??? Be plenty mad and make sure he knows this.

    He is also overstepping boundaries and disregarding what is more or less the abode that you and he have between you.

    I can't begin to tell you how dangerous this is and how wrong he is.

    This isn't going to bode well for him. Something sure is wrong here and I wouldnt doubt he is up to no good with her -- why is he being so good to somebody he "met" in a bar, and a woman, at that???


     At first, I was not worried about it.  Then he says he didn't go to bed until 3-4am.  I find out they were alone for at least part of that time.  Then he laughs and says, yeah, its funny, she and a friend of hers actually asked if I wanted to have a threesome.

    If this is MUD, cut it out.

    If not, show him the door. I would end it right there. Something is very wrong here.

    That's when I got upset.  He said they ended up just talking about how she got out of a long-term relationship and she was having issues.

    Big shit and bully to her! Why does ne care soo much? is he her therapist or something??? Let her go take that whinefest to somebody else and NOT somebody's SPOUSE!

    He said he did not talk about our relationship and made it clear he was married. 

    So what's she doing in your home??? Moreover, why did she even come INTO your home? What's wrong with her???

    I made it clear that wasn't okay, he said "nothing" happened.  I told him I didn't care and the fact that he thought it was okay was what made me so upset.  He told me he'd stop talking to her, and he has.

    That he is engaging in this activity is what is the problem, even if he isn't speaking to her anymore.

    Serious thought to showing him the door.

    If he hasn't cheated with her, he will, with somebody else. That is my take on it.

    Being snoopy, I looked at our cell phone activity on our bill and essentially he called and texted her over the course of two days, some texts and calls late, like 12-3 am.  He did truly stop contacting her.

    Nope, he hasn;t

    '
    But then he got pissy with me this week and it started a fight because he wants to know when he's "off probation" because this issue, along with a lot of other things that have accumulated, and my pain issues, have made our physical relationship non-existent.  Last time we were even intimate was February.  So he's rightfully upset about that, and I'm sure some of this stuff with this woman were because he was getting attention and he probably enjoyed it.

    This is wrong. This gives him no "right" to get chummy with another woman.  Don't give him an okay to "talk" to her (and sorry, this has gone beyond the talky stage) because of your health problems.

    But would you have trust issues after that? Am I over-reacting?


    This is fishy as all get out. He's having an affair with her.
    AdelaidePersephone
  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    1. Bringing any single, straight woman, back to the house that he shares with his wife to hang out alone is disrespectful and crossing almost anyone's boundaries. 2. He was talking about sex with her. Seriously? He is that blade that he thinks this is okay? He probably hasn't had sex with her because he told you about this whole thing, but doesn't mean he didn't do inappropriate, disrespectful things. You are not over-reacting- I'd say you are under-reacting. There is NO excuse for cheating. If you haven't had sex with him, that doesn't give him a free pass. Have some self respect.
    TarponMonoxidejasminelorraine20
  • edited May 2014

    1. Bringing any single, straight woman, back to the house that he shares with his wife to hang out alone is disrespectful and crossing almost anyone's boundaries. 2. He was talking about sex with her. Seriously? He is that blade that he thinks this is okay? He probably hasn't had sex with her because he told you about this whole thing, but doesn't mean he didn't do inappropriate, disrespectful things. You are not over-reacting- I'd say you are under-reacting. There is NO excuse for cheating. If you haven't had sex with him, that doesn't give him a free pass. Have some self respect.
    Where the heck is your self esteem at, along with your common sense??

    Uh because we haven't had sex in eons, no wonder he's talking to this girl!!!

    It doesn't WORK THAT WAY!

    OKay, you and he can't indulge in intercourse -- he is supposed to stand by you and back you up. You don't give up and "go home" like this is a baseball game that got rained out. He's supposed to stand by you, no matter what.

    What about other things you can do together sexually? Mutual masturbation? Role playing? You and/or he masturbate and put on a show? Oral sex?

    What about plain ole making out????

    You and he also have a bad communication problem, as do you, for yourself: when the pain started, you needed to get that checked out by a doc. How come you just let it go and figured, "Too much pain, we can't have sex?" Where is his concern? Did he ever say he was worried?

    There's much more wrong with the picture than "just" his talking to some other woman and bringing a stranger into YOUR home.
  • Ok, you've been together 14 years. I'm going to guess you're in your early/mid 30's then. This behavior is unacceptable at any age, but at this point it should be a no brainer.

    You're married. You need to work on your sexual issues together...without a third party. Your H and this chick were up to no good. 

    If he can't go out to the bar with his friends without partaking in shady behavior, he shouldn't be going out without you. 

    The issue though is you shouldn't have to babysit him. This "probation" comment is just immature and ridiculous. He's putting you in a parental role with him being "in trouble". This shit is not cute. 

    You have a responsibility to get to the doctor and find out what is going on with you. He has a responsibility to be there for you and work on whatever needs to be worked on. If you truly cannot have sex without pain, work around it. There are ways other than intercourse to please one another. If he can't deal with that eventuality, you all have some hard decisions to make.

    If your marriage ends because you are unable to meet the sexual needs he has...I seriously side eye him...but I can respect honesty in admitting he can't deal with it. If it ends because he's acting like an immature dickhead and finding bar chicks to whine to, that is totally on him.

    Honestly, if H could never have sex with me again without pain, it would be really hard for me to come to terms with. I think I would be able to deal with it. Then again, I don't know if I really would be able to be ok with it since it hasn't happened. Never say never.


    Leftie22
  • You have a responsibility to get to the doctor and find out what is going on with you. He has a responsibility to be there for you and work on whatever needs to be worked on. If you truly cannot have sex without pain, work around it. There are ways other than intercourse to please one another. If he can't deal with that eventuality, you all have some hard decisions to make.

    If your marriage ends because you are unable to meet the sexual needs he has...I seriously side eye him...but I can respect honesty in admitting he can't deal with it. If it ends because he's acting like an immature dickhead and finding bar chicks to whine to, that is totally on him.

    Honestly, if H could never have sex with me again without pain, it would be really hard for me to come to terms with. I think I would be able to deal with it. Then again, I don't know if I really would be able to be ok with it since it hasn't happened. Never say never.

    THis is what baffles me:

    She has pain.

    And that's the end of story.

    And neither one initiated talk about "what can we do to work on this", nor did the OP head to a gyn to find out what's what???

    Is this 1934 or 2014?

    And if he packs it in because he can't have intercourse --- shit, again: is this 1934?

    I strongly suggest counseling for the both of you --- both with a marriage counselor and a sex therapist. Your communication stinks and his view of "wifely duties" is sickening, to tell the truth. YOu've got a bit of a problem in that area, too: marriage is NOT all about sex. And when you are together 14 years, remember: passion has waned a bit. The frequency of sex drops --- twice a week would be about right for a couple together 14 years.
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    You have a responsibility to get to the doctor and find out what is going on with you.
    I just want to say that I hate this kind of sentiment. I suffer regularly from post-coital pain and frequent tearing of the fourette. This kind of problem is often extremely hard to treat, and many gynecologists will typically just recommend increased foreplay and lubrication or suggest avoiding certain positions.

    I'm tired of feeling like this is my fault. Even after an hour of foreplay and buckets of lubrication, I can end up uncomfortably sore. And this feeling of inadequacy is just adding to the problem.

    If OP was suffering from another medical condition like a heart problem, would you insist that it was her responsibility to talk with her doctors about improving her sexual capacity? I agree that there are other non-intercourse sexual activities that could be considered, but I don't think it helps anyone to lay guilt on someone for their sexual problems, especially when those issues may be difficult to treat.
    image
    HolyGlow
  • kelised83kelised83 member
    First Comment
    edited May 2014
    Sorry, haven't checked in until now.  I didn't add that I have been working on this issue for many years, which has included medication, physical therapy AND surgery.  So its gotten better but not great.  And honestly with a lot of the other extraneous issues (not just this one), along with pain and life in general, my drive is in the crapper. 

    So yes, I've been doing things to fix this, it hasn't just come out of nowhere.

    I really just wanted to get some perspective because like I've said, we're at this point now where we are thisclose to call it quits.  Its very hard though because we have two wonderful young kids and I'm terrified of what us separating would do to them, and I think he feels the same way.  We love each other but we just can't seem to get on the same wavelength and then when he pulled that crap it just really shocked and upset me.   

    Things have not been good for many additional reasons I won't get in to (too much typing).  But I am hyper-sensitive to things right now and want to make sure I wasn't being irrational. 
  • @GilliC- I would never imply this type of issue is OP's fault. Very sorry if my post came across that way. My suggestion to see the doctor was more for OP's happuness (in this relationship or a future one) than giving her H an "out" for being an insensitive dick. 

    OP, glad to hear you've been to the doctor and have followed the treatment plan. You could always get a second opinion, but I do wonder if this is the main issue since your follow up post indicates there is more going on here.

    I don't know if your marriage is at a point where it's time to call it quits or not. It does sound like there is a lot going on though. Many people find it much easier and healthier to co-parent than to stay in a crummy marriage...especially if both parents are able to have a positive amicable relationship. Even if it isn't best case scenario, it still may be better to show the kids heathy, happy parents separately than miserable ones together. 

    That being said, please don't let your guilt over sexual issues excuse his crappy behavior. It sounds like counseling is in order. Once you try that, you may find this is worth fighting for, or feel better that you did all you could. 
  • kelised83 said:
    Sorry, haven't checked in until now.  I didn't add that I have been working on this issue for many years, which has included medication, physical therapy AND surgery.  So its gotten better but not great.  And honestly with a lot of the other extraneous issues (not just this one), along with pain and life in general, my drive is in the crapper. 

    There should also be a support group for your H.  Chronic conditions usually have support groups.

    So yes, I've been doing things to fix this, it hasn't just come out of nowhere.

    I really just wanted to get some perspective because like I've said, we're at this point now where we are thisclose to call it quits.  Its very hard though because we have two wonderful young kids and I'm terrified of what us separating would do to them, and I think he feels the same way.  We love each other but we just can't seem to get on the same wavelength and then when he pulled that crap it just really shocked and upset me.   

    Oh, really.

    If he was that serious about you, there is no way he'd even be LOOKING at another woman.

    What's happened here is fishy as hell and there is such a lack of respect here for you it's not even funny.

    Things have not been good for many additional reasons I won't get in to (too much typing).  But I am hyper-sensitive to things right now and want to make sure I wasn't being irrational. 
    You've got a case of infidelity here.

    I would show this guy the door and not look back.

    If he is truly interested in fixing things, he'd be seeing a therapist with you with no questions asked and any thoughts of other women would be nowhere in his train of thought.

    I don't know how you're going to fix the trust that's been broken; that's going to have to be something you're going to cope with and handle, one day at a time.

    If you are spiritual see a clergyperson -- go on your own.
  • Im kind of shocked that you have to ask if its ok for your H to bring a woman back to YOUR house in the middle of the night?

    Would i have trust issues? NO because he and his frat boys wouldnt be back again.




  • As an outsider, it doesn't seem like an issue of trust. He was honest and told you he brought a woman back to your home from the bar. He was honest and told you that he was offered a 3 some. He was honest and said he'd stop talking to her and did. So, an issue of trust, I don't think, but it's not what I would want in a marriage. It's really up to you both and what you are comfortable with. It sounds like you are not comfortable with what happened and told him. It sounds like he may not be comfortable with the amount of physical intimacy you've shared. Don't take other peoples ideas of marriage and apply them to your situation, but maybe focus on what you both want, look at what you both are not happy with and decide from there. I know lots of happy marriages where both partners cheat. It is not spoken of and ignored, but it happens and they are still able to be happy. This is not what I want in my marriage, but it's up to those in the partnership to decide what is best. Good luck!
  • I have no words for the shiot spewed.


    R.Wilsonny
  • As an outsider, it doesn't seem like an issue of trust. He was honest and told you he brought a woman back to your home from the bar. He was honest and told you that he was offered a 3 some. He was honest and said he'd stop talking to her and did. So, an issue of trust, I don't think, but it's not what I would want in a marriage. It's really up to you both and what you are comfortable with. It sounds like you are not comfortable with what happened and told him. It sounds like he may not be comfortable with the amount of physical intimacy you've shared. Don't take other peoples ideas of marriage and apply them to your situation, but maybe focus on what you both want, look at what you both are not happy with and decide from there. I know lots of happy marriages where both partners cheat. It is not spoken of and ignored, but it happens and they are still able to be happy. This is not what I want in my marriage, but it's up to those in the partnership to decide what is best. Good luck!
    Uh, that is called an open marriage. Pretty sure OP is t cool with that.
    R.Wilsonny
  • I have no further advice then what has already been given, just another vote of how inappropriate this is. Have you turned the tables and asked him how it would feel if this was the other way around? You invited a man home from the bar to hang out and talk about sex?!  Sometimes when H does something that hurts my feelings and upsets me, I ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around and just me saying that seems to help him realize his actions.
    image

  • I have no further advice then what has already been given, just another vote of how inappropriate this is. Have you turned the tables and asked him how it would feel if this was the other way around? You invited a man home from the bar to hang out and talk about sex?!  Sometimes when H does something that hurts my feelings and upsets me, I ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around and just me saying that seems to help him realize his actions.
    Oh yes, I did.  Didn't really get much out of him.  I haven't been railing on him for this but its been brought up a few times because he's been pissy about me being upset about this and other things that have been going on.  Well, it all came to a head Saturday and he told me he wanted a divorce.  Honestly its been coming for awhile now and the last few days he's shown his true colors.  I don't even know who he is anymore.  Even more disgusting, when he stormed out he told me he was going to go get laid and yesterday morning I noticed he had a box of opened condoms sitting in his truck. 

    We're going to mediation next week to hash the agreement out and be done with this. 
  • Sounds like you're better off without this man-child in your life, though I'm sorry you'll have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with it.
  • Maybe I'm reading this differently than everyone else, but here's what I got out of the situation:
    • Your husband went out to the bar with a group of friends (mixed gender).
    • A group of people returned to your house (mixed gender) including this woman and her friend.  
    • He was up until 3-4am hanging out.
    • Part of this time, he was alone with the woman in question (maybe she was the last to leave?)
    • This woman shared her relationship woes and then blatantly started hitting on your husband.
    • Your husband was flattered, but made it clear that he was married and not interested.
    • The next day he told you everything that happened.
    A few things I'm not understanding:  If he met her at the bar that night, and you had your discussion the next day, how were there several days of text messages and phone calls between them?  Or had they met at the bar previously (if that's where he hangs out) and formed a friendship?

    I'm not seeing a huge red flag here.  Your husband maintained his normal hobby behavior (going out and bringing friends over).  A new friend comes over for the first time, who happens to be a woman.  She hits on him, he shuts her down.  Then he tells you about it.  Isn't that what you want to happen?  Would you prefer he take her up on her offer, or try to hide it from you?  Or is it that you're uncomfortable with him having female friends entirely?

    The thing that would upset me the most about this would be the idea of your husband bringing intoxicated people he doesn't know particularly well back to your home where your children are sleeping.  That's a safety issue.  
  • Maybe I'm reading this differently than everyone else, but here's what I got out of the situation:
    • Your husband went out to the bar with a group of friends (mixed gender).
    • A group of people returned to your house (mixed gender) including this woman and her friend.  
    • He was up until 3-4am hanging out.
    • Part of this time, he was alone with the woman in question (maybe she was the last to leave?)
    • This woman shared her relationship woes and then blatantly started hitting on your husband.
    • Your husband was flattered, but made it clear that he was married and not interested.
    • The next day he told you everything that happened.
    A few things I'm not understanding:  If he met her at the bar that night, and you had your discussion the next day, how were there several days of text messages and phone calls between them?  Or had they met at the bar previously (if that's where he hangs out) and formed a friendship?

    I'm not seeing a huge red flag here.  Your husband maintained his normal hobby behavior (going out and bringing friends over).  A new friend comes over for the first time, who happens to be a woman.  She hits on him, he shuts her down.  Then he tells you about it.  Isn't that what you want to happen?  Would you prefer he take her up on her offer, or try to hide it from you?  Or is it that you're uncomfortable with him having female friends entirely?

    The thing that would upset me the most about this would be the idea of your husband bringing intoxicated people he doesn't know particularly well back to your home where your children are sleeping.  That's a safety issue.  
    From what I understand, he met her at the bar and she hit on him there, but then he still thought it wise to bring her back to our home.  Not sure how many people were with them to begin with at the house.  He said he had met her within the last week, but the day I found out about it had been the second day of calls (about an hour worth)/text messages(about 50-60) until 2-3 in the morning.  I really don't care if he has female friends at all. 

    He's always been a super jealous/untrusting person.  If I get a call from a number I don't know, I don't answer it, and he would get suspicious.  He would always make comments about me wanting to "get" with his friends.  I'd even said to him jokingly at one point that the fact that he's SO over the top about that stuff makes it seem like maybe he's the one acting inappropriately.   

    And..now its really a moot point. 

    Now it doesn't even matter. 
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    kelised83 said:
    Maybe I'm reading this differently than everyone else, but here's what I got out of the situation:
    • Your husband went out to the bar with a group of friends (mixed gender).
    • A group of people returned to your house (mixed gender) including this woman and her friend.  
    • He was up until 3-4am hanging out.
    • Part of this time, he was alone with the woman in question (maybe she was the last to leave?)
    • This woman shared her relationship woes and then blatantly started hitting on your husband.
    • Your husband was flattered, but made it clear that he was married and not interested.
    • The next day he told you everything that happened.
    A few things I'm not understanding:  If he met her at the bar that night, and you had your discussion the next day, how were there several days of text messages and phone calls between them?  Or had they met at the bar previously (if that's where he hangs out) and formed a friendship?

    I'm not seeing a huge red flag here.  Your husband maintained his normal hobby behavior (going out and bringing friends over).  A new friend comes over for the first time, who happens to be a woman.  She hits on him, he shuts her down.  Then he tells you about it.  Isn't that what you want to happen?  Would you prefer he take her up on her offer, or try to hide it from you?  Or is it that you're uncomfortable with him having female friends entirely?

    The thing that would upset me the most about this would be the idea of your husband bringing intoxicated people he doesn't know particularly well back to your home where your children are sleeping.  That's a safety issue.  
    From what I understand, he met her at the bar and she hit on him there, but then he still thought it wise to bring her back to our home.  Not sure how many people were with them to begin with at the house.  He said he had met her within the last week, but the day I found out about it had been the second day of calls (about an hour worth)/text messages(about 50-60) until 2-3 in the morning.  I really don't care if he has female friends at all. 

    He's always been a super jealous/untrusting person.  If I get a call from a number I don't know, I don't answer it, and he would get suspicious.  He would always make comments about me wanting to "get" with his friends.  I'd even said to him jokingly at one point that the fact that he's SO over the top about that stuff makes it seem like maybe he's the one acting inappropriately.   

    And..now its really a moot point. 

    Now it doesn't even matter. 

    Sounds like you're better off without him! Trust has to go both ways, and he's definitely not holding up his end. Did you ever do anything to break his trust, or has he just always been an ass?
    image

  • GilliC said:
    Sounds like you're better off without him! Trust has to go both ways, and he's definitely not holding up his end. Did you ever do anything to break his trust, or has he just always been an ass?
    Nope.  I've been faithful, work my ass off, take care of the kids, everything...he has a crappy family history but none of that excuses his behavior.  He's always felt like he doesn't deserve me, and now he's proven himself right. 
  • Sorry you are going through this, but you are so much better off. You will be happier without the manchild.


  • kelised83 said:
    Maybe I'm reading this differently than everyone else, but here's what I got out of the situation:
    • Your husband went out to the bar with a group of friends (mixed gender).
    • A group of people returned to your house (mixed gender) including this woman and her friend.  
    • He was up until 3-4am hanging out.
    • Part of this time, he was alone with the woman in question (maybe she was the last to leave?)
    • This woman shared her relationship woes and then blatantly started hitting on your husband.
    • Your husband was flattered, but made it clear that he was married and not interested.
    • The next day he told you everything that happened.
    A few things I'm not understanding:  If he met her at the bar that night, and you had your discussion the next day, how were there several days of text messages and phone calls between them?  Or had they met at the bar previously (if that's where he hangs out) and formed a friendship?

    I'm not seeing a huge red flag here.  Your husband maintained his normal hobby behavior (going out and bringing friends over).  A new friend comes over for the first time, who happens to be a woman.  She hits on him, he shuts her down.  Then he tells you about it.  Isn't that what you want to happen?  Would you prefer he take her up on her offer, or try to hide it from you?  Or is it that you're uncomfortable with him having female friends entirely?

    The thing that would upset me the most about this would be the idea of your husband bringing intoxicated people he doesn't know particularly well back to your home where your children are sleeping.  That's a safety issue.  
    From what I understand, he met her at the bar and she hit on him there, but then he still thought it wise to bring her back to our home.  Not sure how many people were with them to begin with at the house.  He said he had met her within the last week, but the day I found out about it had been the second day of calls (about an hour worth)/text messages(about 50-60) until 2-3 in the morning.  I really don't care if he has female friends at all. 

    He's always been a super jealous/untrusting person.  If I get a call from a number I don't know, I don't answer it, and he would get suspicious.  He would always make comments about me wanting to "get" with his friends.  I'd even said to him jokingly at one point that the fact that he's SO over the top about that stuff makes it seem like maybe he's the one acting inappropriately.   

    And..now its really a moot point. 

    Now it doesn't even matter. 
    Yeah....that's not kosher.  Sounds like there are some definite trust issues going on here, on both sides.  I suggest counseling.  
  • i would have a very hard time trusting him. he brought another women into your home... a woman he was contemplating something more than "talking" to. that is a slap in the face to your marital home. and to bring her home while you are home is beyond disrespectful. i would have a hard time trusting someone who thinks that would be an ok behavior. i have alot of trust issues myself in my marriage... and trust is a key component to a healthy relationship. if an open relationship is something he was thinking about, he needed to find a better way to approach that subject with you. just bringing the possibility home it's going to make you jump out of bed and be all "oh my god like you should totally screw her while i'm sleeping, it's all cool honey".  he needs to understand that he made a huge mistake with you. he needs to understand that he needs to apologize and really mean it. it's posible he's picking a fight to find reasons to leave or reasons to do what he already in his head wants to do with someone else. that does not make it ok though. you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, respect, and trust from your spouse. good luck to you.  i hope things work out for the best for you.
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