Im 24. Papa died 4.5 years ago. I have a younger brother that is 19 and waiting for my lead. My 13 year old neice is being looked after by my mother because my sister#1, 32, is in prison for posseion of meth (10 year+ habbit). My sister also has a 2 year old that was taken from her and new born she sent home from prison to my oldest sister#2, 34. to take care of.
We all grew up on 4 acres of land in east austin. My parents were ex hippies that conformed to a lifestyle of non stop work to keep theyre heads above water and the only escape was television and icecream. Papa maintained his own business that he operated out of a large warehouse in the back of the property, we lived in a large house in the front of the property. Beyond optimism, papa made the best he possibly could of his situation and wouldnt dare to neglect being there for his responsibilities which eventually consumed him, but looking back on home videos and pictures I dont beleive he was happy.
My mothers life is entirely preoccupied with helping my incarcerated sister#1 get back on her feet ( i have my own opinions on that but will attempt to stay neutral for this). Before and at the moment of my fathers passing i was sad but not caught up and ready to continue moving forward. After his death i felt overwhelmed by pressures and anxieties when interacting with my mother and sister#1. This is something I emphasize but they merely skim over the subject. I theorize that the void that used to be papa in my mother and sister#1 was immediately replaced with my chracacter seeing that it is within my nature to step up. In this dynamic i felt i ended up without any avail b/c even though i was ready to step up and make a difference and change the trend in our lifestyle my mother was not comfortable treating me like a man and did not trust me to follow through.
I didnt go to school, I valued the asset of the 4 acres, warehouse and its potential so much that i figured i would just make something new out of it all; farm the land, ive invested in a small trailer to put cooking equipment in to sell food, ive also invested in equipment to record music in the warehouse, side hustles. Ive invested my whole life into the dream of having a sustainable lifestyle on the property. One problem, my mom and my relationship has progressively gotten worst and worst since papa passing and everything is waiting to be put in her name. At first i was very respectful and consoling to my mother when my father died though i did not appreciate the pressures and anxieties passed on to my character while my mother didnt trust me to make any decision to improve the situation. I thought about leaving and putting a recording studio at another location, when i expressed this to my mother she reacted with fear as if i was going to leave her, so i didnt.
At a time when i was motivated and presented myself in front of my mother with enthusiasm, atriculation and a high energy level to help get things done, she responded "are you on drugs", i most definitely was not on any drugs and that really hurt my feeling. Years passed, ive gained a multitude of experience working different jobs, but what i want to happen, a sustainable lifestyle on the property remained stagnant. Ive become bitter and resentful toward my mom considering ive always been left in the dust of my sisters trouble and I definitely have lost my kool when interacting with her. Our relation consists of a lot of pushing buttons, yelling and violence toward inanimate objects. Today there is an overwhelming sense of opposition between me and my mother, almost a girls verse boys dynamic and no matter what i do or say, i feel ignored by my mother and like my character was treated like something expendable and taken advantage of after papas passing. My friend told me she holds a double standard over my head, letting me take on the pressure of being the man of the house without any say on what happens in the house. I work at a music venue now, i have a 8 month old baby and have no more time to waste. She wants me to just get on with my life and leave but ive invested so much in the dream and im too eccentric to follow what she projects for me within her comfort zone. Help me please, theres too much at stake to sit around watching T.V. and not thinking about it. I want to make my impression, other than lost composure. Just to think about fogetting it all depresses me. Somebody please help