Trouble in Paradise
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Caught Him in Lies

Hi ladies!  I was hoping to get some positive advice on here regarding my husband.  Recently, I have caught him in lies regarding texting and going to the casino.  I am in therapy already because of the loss of my mom.  I am also going to bring it up to my therapist in our next session but in the meantime, I could use some help and support:)  A few weeks ago his iPad kept dinging and I went to silence it because I was working on a paper for grad class.  It was a number I didn't recognize so I simply asked him who it was.  He said, "it's one of my suppliers for the business." Yes, he owns his own business but how would a supplier know he's been sick recently with a sinus infection so I asked again.  He got so mad (almost flew into a rage) and started calling me crazy.  I backed off for a few days.  Then I asked him again who it was and he responds," It's nobody, none of your damn business!!"  I ask again.  "It's a friend!!!!!"  me: "What's her name?"  Him: "Does it matter?!?!?!?!?!?!  It's none of your f&^%ing business!"  Come to find out it's some "friend" named "Chris" who he lived with a few years back that is "a friend of someone he knows".  He was extremely vague about it and shut down and extremely argumentative and super defensive.  He also went to a casino last month during the day and didn't tell me.  I found out when a casino players club card fell out of his wallet during pocket-checking before I wash clothes.  I guess I'm wanting to know why he didn't tell me he ran into this girl at the grocery store and why she was texting him and why he didn't tell me he went to the casino.  Am I being overly concerned or do I have a right to be frustrated?  Thanks!

Re: Caught Him in Lies

  • I'd be concerned.  He's being extremely vague and defensive for someone who's not lying.  He's hiding something.

    His business is your business- you're married.  You have every right to know who he is talking to.

    Is Chris a man or a woman?  Why wouldn't he just tell you?  Why all this rage if it's nothing?
  • Chris is a female so I don't know whether or not they dated or what his history with her is.  My concern is why not tell me?  I run in to people all the time or I see something on FB and share it with him because he is my husband.  I'm concerned about the rage too.  If she's someone you went to high school with or whatnot it's not a big deal at all.  It is not ok to lie to me about who is texting and then go into a rage telling me she's someone who "took him in" a few years ago.  WTF?  This isn't the first time he's talked to someone he's been involved with in his past.  He tells me when I find these things out "If I would have told you I was talking to XYZ you'd be mad."  No, I would not be angry at all because he would be telling the truth and plus he married me, not them.  I don't like the whole "I didn't tell you because you'd get mad" excuse. 
  • edited May 2014
    The title of your thread says it all:

    Caught Him In Lies.

    This is all we really need to know -- and all you need to know.

    Now to read your actual post:

    Hi ladies!  I was hoping to get some positive advice on here regarding my husband.  Recently, I have caught him in lies regarding texting and going to the casino. 

    He may also have a gambling problem --- I did not get to the rest of your post yet --- but if he is going to the casino too often and/or you and he simply cannot afford casino jaunts, it's time to say goodbye to him ---- there is a problem with something if it interferes with your relationship with the person who has the problem.

    I am in therapy already because of the loss of my mom.  I am also going to bring it up to my therapist in our next session but in the meantime, I could use some help and support:)  A few weeks ago his iPad kept dinging and I went to silence it because I was working on a paper for grad class.  It was a number I didn't recognize so I simply asked him who it was.  He said, "it's one of my suppliers for the business." Yes, he owns his own business but how would a supplier know he's been sick recently with a sinus infection so I asked again. 

    That is indeed possible for business people to know he is sick. He probagly told them....

    But this is not good and this is pretty, yeah --  CRAZY:


    He got so mad (almost flew into a rage) and started calling me crazy. 

    I backed off for a few days.  Then I asked him again who it was and he responds," It's nobody, none of your damn business!!" 

    Nice going, ace.

    I ask again.  "It's a friend!!!!!"  me: "What's her name?"  Him: "Does it matter?!?!?!?!?!?!  It's none of your f&^%ing business!" 

    I would not tolerate angry outbursts --- what is he, 5? --- and I would not tolerate divisiveness and cursing. Who does he think he is talking to?

    That his reaction was so vehement leads me to believe he is hiding something.


    Come to find out it's some "friend" named "Chris" who he lived with a few years back that is "a friend of someone he knows".  He was extremely vague about it and shut down and extremely argumentative and super defensive. 

    This is bullshit.

    He also went to a casino last month during the day and didn't tell me.  I found out when a casino players club card fell out of his wallet during pocket-checking before I wash clothes.  I guess I'm wanting to know why he didn't tell me he ran into this girl at the grocery store and why she was texting him and why he didn't tell me he went to the casino.  Am I being overly concerned or do I have a right to be frustrated?  Thanks!

    All of this is fishy.

    If I were you, I'd give Gamblers Anonymous a call ---http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/ - and bounce this off them. Click on the link and find the GA location for your state.

    If I were you --- right this minute, I would do the folloowing:

    PROTECT YOUR ASSETS
    Run a credit report check on you and on him
    Have a look at ever single credit card statement and if you see a number you do not recognize, call it. Ask what the service entails.

    I am willing to go as far as to say he has a gambling problem, simply because it is causing arugments, he's very defensive about it and he is visiting a casino far too often.

    He could be involved with the entire Playboy Mansion for all I( know --- but the bigger problem is the gambling.

    This is a dealbreaker.  Keep a close eye on what's happening --- and oh yeah:

    That he lied is not good.

    Nor is this "*$&#$&#!!!" garbage. Do not tolerate that. Do not tolerate walking on eggs around him, either.

    Keep a close eye on the joint funds you have with your H --- if you find out that there is less money in it than there should be or he's not quite anteing up enough money from his income, there could be an even bigger problem than you thought.

    He's got a problem with gambling, like I said, merely because there are arguments about it. I am not saying he has an actual addiction -- he may or may not develop one --- but the unwelcome and unwarranted trips and the lying have to go.

    And that's affirmative.

    If he refuses to stop going, you have no way of telling whether he is or is not actually going. You may never know.

    And there are also other ways he can gamble minus a casino trip.

    Please keep an eye on what's happening. GL.
    doeydo
  • Tarpon, thank you for breaking it down and giving advice in each area.  It gambling thing has me baffled because when we go out on date night, we don't gamble.  Come to think of it, we've never gambled together which was bizzare I found a player's card.  Makes me want to put my income in a separate account so I can still take care of myself and the bills.
  • If he keeps up the lying, rethink him based on that.

    You can't go through life wondering what he will lie to you about next time around.
    jlteach78cloudymeatballs
  • My 'positive advice' for you is that I'm positive you don't need this loser.
    TarponMonoxide
  • It's really the flying into a rage over innocent questions that would have me concerned.  I also read your post abou the Facebook thing.  One thing I'm a little confused about is if he has had a history of cheating.  Because, unlike the other PPs, I would lump a lot of this into he's a flirty guy who likes attention from women...which doesn't always equal a cheater.  What isn't okay, is reactivating an old Facebook account to continue his flirtiness...even if he is innocent of anything else...when this has already been an issue between the two of you.

    As far as the gambling, again perhaps I am missing something, but I was a bit surprised at some of the reactions.  Unless this is an issue you have discussed with him in the past and/or it is causing money problems, I don't see the big deal in going to a casino sometimes, even if he didn't mention it to you.

    I get the impression that my DH and I have a more easygoing marriage than most people, so I'm sure that does skew my views on things.  But I love to play video poker and go to the casino all the time.  It is my form of relaxation and entertainment.  It's not unusual at all for me to go to the casino and not mention it to him.  Not because I'm trying to keep a secret, but because it was just a part of my day and...unless I hit a killer hand...there's nothing interesting to talk about with it.  With that said, if he ever expressed a need for me to tell him every time I went, that's fine also.

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