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Horrible adult daughters are ruining our relationship!

I have been seeing a widower (who lost his wife to cancer in 2007) for 2 1/2 years.  We are extremely compatible, we share common interests, we enjoy each other's company, we have a lot of fun together!  We are considerate of each other and of other people, we have many friends who enjoy our company!  We never argue, and we treat each other with respect.  Sounds perfect, right?

 

Wrong!  His two adult daughters are in their 30s and they HATE ME--for no reason!  I have been NOTHING but nice and respectful to them, but they cannot stand me!  They are unbelievably RUDE, vicious, and hateful to me!  They make up things about me and they text me mean messages and e-cards.  I have HAD it with their disrespectful horrible behavior.  My boyfriend tells them, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  I don't want to hear another bad word from you about her."  But they continue to torture me.  I am a kind sensitive person, and this is ruining the beautiful relationship we have.  Their father says he can't MAKE THEM like me and he can't control them. 

 

 I told him that I can't take it anymore, and have not seen him in the past 5 days.  Any advice on how he can punish their horrible behavior?  I suggested that he reprimand them and tell them he does not want to be around them until they can change their behavior, withhold their negative and hateful remarks, and behave like rational adults.  He said he couldn't threaten to not see them--because they are his KIDS!

 

Any advice?

 

Re: Horrible adult daughters are ruining our relationship!

  • First if all, you don't "punish" grown adults. Reprimanding and threatening is not a healthy way to deal with conflict. 

    What are they accusing you of? Why do they claim they are so upset? What have you done to make the situation better? Was there an incident that set this off, or what?

    Your BF needs to have a sit down and tell them they do not choose who he dates or how he spends his time. However, the same goes for you. You should not encourage him to cut his children out of his life because they don't like you. He can see them without you if they are disrespectful and rude to you. 

    I have a feeling there is more to this story. More background would help.
    daisy662Kimbus22EastCoastBride
  • Maybe the 2 of them have been past 18 for a long time and they have since grorwn up and moved out --- but geez. he is still their father and he has every right to lay down the law.

    They are to treat you civilly. Not be your best friend --- but to treat you decently and with no rancor at all.

    He needs to tell them this.

    If he doesn't, get yourself another guy. WHy should you have to tolerate them -- and date a doormat, while you are at it?
  • If they're only sending text messages and e-cards, why don't you just block their phone numbers and email addresses?
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    EastCoastBride
  • For the fact that he's kind of thrown his hands up in the air over this tells me that in the end, his kids will win.  If he's not willing, even temporarily, to say "O.k. - you act like this, I'm not going to see you", then they know they ultimately hold all the power. 

    So.... IS this how you want to live your life?  To a degree, the two of you could date and have a relationship that doesn't involve his kids at all.  But depending on how long you're together and how serious it gets- that would eventually probably not work out. 

    I doubt you're the first woman they've acted like this towards, and as long as he says he can't do anything, I doubt you'll be the last. 

    AND - I kind of wonder about him.  He had a role in raising them.  what does it say about him that his 2 grown kids are this vile and rude to someone he cares about?


    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

    zitiqueen
  • They probably feel like you're moving into "mom's territory" and they resent your presence because dad having another woman, who isn't their mom reminds them that she's gone. They may also be romanticizing the family they grew up in...mom, dad, them. A little tight circle. With mom gone, they dislike anyone new coming into that "circle."

    Marriage does not last after death. This man, their father, deserves to have a romantic relationship if he chooses and if he is ready to.

    Think back to when you first met them and interacted with them with their dad around. Was there anything that could have made them feel like you "are the new woman," that you were going to help this man with his grief, or that you wanted them to feel like you could be a mom to them? If yes, then they are reacting to the insult that you think you could replace their mother.

    I think you don't mean or didn't mean to insult them, but if their little family circle has been interrupted then that's how they perceive you.

    Have you actually ever asked them face-to-face, separately, what mistake you made? While they are adults, you are an adult too and maybe their dad shouldn't fight your battles for you. Maybe you just need to start fresh with them and let them know that you will never want to or try to replace their mom or any memory of her.

    Another thing is that maybe her actual death and illness really hurt them in a way that remains buried and perhaps they haven't fully dealt with this. If they have unresolved grief or anger surrounding her, or their dad at this time, then maybe they are mad at HIM right now for something HE did long ago.

    If it's not this, then they are just being brats. And, I'm not really sure what to say about that. Sorry.

    In any case, you do have a choice. You need to come clean if there is anything you have done or said or even hinted at. And, beyond that you can deal with them or you can leave their dad.

    CJ12211

  • They probably feel like you're moving into "mom's territory" and they resent your presence because dad having another woman, who isn't their mom reminds them that she's gone. They may also be romanticizing the family they grew up in...mom, dad, them. A little tight circle. With mom gone, they dislike anyone new coming into that "circle."

    Marriage does not last after death. This man, their father, deserves to have a romantic relationship if he chooses and if he is ready to.

    Think back to when you first met them and interacted with them with their dad around. Was there anything that could have made them feel like you "are the new woman," that you were going to help this man with his grief, or that you wanted them to feel like you could be a mom to them? If yes, then they are reacting to the insult that you think you could replace their mother.

    I think you don't mean or didn't mean to insult them, but if their little family circle has been interrupted then that's how they perceive you.

    Have you actually ever asked them face-to-face, separately, what mistake you made? While they are adults, you are an adult too and maybe their dad shouldn't fight your battles for you. Maybe you just need to start fresh with them and let them know that you will never want to or try to replace their mom or any memory of her.

    Another thing is that maybe her actual death and illness really hurt them in a way that remains buried and perhaps they haven't fully dealt with this. If they have unresolved grief or anger surrounding her, or their dad at this time, then maybe they are mad at HIM right now for something HE did long ago.

    If it's not this, then they are just being brats. And, I'm not really sure what to say about that. Sorry.

    In any case, you do have a choice. You need to come clean if there is anything you have done or said or even hinted at. And, beyond that you can deal with them or you can leave their dad.

    I knew a family where this happened.  The younger daughter felt like her father was disrespecting her mother by marrying another woman after their mother had died.  So she refused to speak to either of them.  The older daughter was also hurt, but decided that her relationship with her father was more important and that his new wife was not trying to replace their mother, but instead truly loved him and was helping him heal from the lose of his first wife.  When the younger daughter got engaged she realized that she had been childish and worked to patch things up with her family.
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    You can't change your boyfriend, so you need to set boundries on your own.

    Block their phone numbers and email.  People who are rude to you are not your friends.  You don't need the phone number of your boyfriend's adult children.  Unfriend / block them on social media.

    Tell your boyfriend that you refuse to be disrespected anymore, and that if you keep seeing him, but you refuse to be around people who are so rude and disrespectful, so he's going to have to choose who he sees and when he sees them.  If he has a party and they will be there - you aren't going.  Ditto family events, vacations ,holidays, etc.  If you throw a birthday party for him, make it for only friends (none of your adult children, for example) and don't invite the girls. 

    Now, if this doesn't sound like your idea of having a boyfriend (and after 2 1/2 years I would expect to go to parties at my boyfriend's house), then you need to break up with him.  If he is perfectly happy with having his girlfriend spend time apart from him on important days like holidays, family gatherings, etc. - - then IMO he is not a keeper. 

    You need to realize that YOU deserve better than the way you are being treated, and if your BF doesn't stand up for you, he is not any better than the rude daughters he has raised.

     

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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