Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Thoughts on broaching the topic of hosting on the holidays

Hey Everyone,

So, I know this is a super early post...but, I want to test the waters on how these ideas might be perceived.

Background: We live 6 1/2 hours away from my DH's family. In the past we have always driven down for Thanksgiving and back...a grueling drive to-from ATL, and my husband stays where we are to celebrate Christmas with my family (10 minutes away). Well, last Thanksgiving (actually the past two) haven't been that great. My DH feels left out of his family. They never ask him about his job, anything that's going on, etc.-- they basically concentrate on his sister, and the holiday is just not fun in general-- especially given the horrible travel that is inevitable. Last year, his sister also announced that she would host Christmas (4 hours away) because her two kids are getting to an age that it's just easier with Santa. (Totally understandable.) What wasn't understandable was that she didn't invite DH and I (or even think to mention it until a week before Christmas). This wasn't a huge deal since we already had plans, but it was more hurtful to my DH who up until that moment hadn't had a reminder that he was an afterthought. To add insult to injury, he called his family on Christmas and no one ever called him back- for four days-- because they forgot. (Heartbreaks.)

So, I have an idea. We moved into our house two years ago, and got married about six months ago. My idea is to host Thanksgiving at our house this year with both families--- local families to bring a dish to share. We would invite his sister, but I'm sure she wouldn't come down. I thought this would help solve a lot of issues--- no travel for us and the family, combine two families who like seeing each other, and putting DH more in control and with his parents in a different setting. 

My concerns:
1. His parents will take it the wrong way. 
2. His parents will choose his sister over him, which I think would hurt a lot more.

I ran a tester by my mom who usually hosts here and she was all for trying a new tradition. I just...i'm at a loss. I can tell DH feels like he's at a loss either way.....

Re: Thoughts on broaching the topic of hosting on the holidays

  • How about you host Thanksgiving in your home for YOUR husband.  Be honest, that you would rather spend your holidays with the people who love him, you and the royal couple you.  

    And then do not invited his family.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    PrincessVeganSillygirl45
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    This may be off base, but I'll get to why I'm asking this in a moment.

    In the big picture - how often do you all go to see his family?  When it comes to events that both families celebrate, how often do you see your family vs his family?  Has he ever verbally TOLD his parents "I'd really like to come to ___ event", even if not officially invited?

    And even - how independent of a person is he, overall?  How independent was he when he went to college, and then after?  Not in a financial sense as much of a was he always off doing his own thing w/ his friends (and eventually you), or was he sticking around home a lot?

    The reason I ask- years ago, DH and I tended to do a lot of stuff w/ his parents.  And a part of it was because my parents didn't actually INVITE us.  Like for Thanksgiving.  At first, I was kind of "WTF" about it.

    But a few years later, my step mother was talking and kind of almost in passing, she talked about how she didn't invite us to stuff because she didn't want us to feel torn or guilty about where to spend our time.  She felt she was doing us a favor.

    And as far as independence - well, this is from a financial standpoint, but still - DH has always been better w/ $$, had more secure jobs than his brother.  And also his brother would (and still does - at the age of 47) ask his parents for $$.  So- his parents tend to give BIL a fair amount of money where as they'd never think to offer us $$ - at least not anymore.  Years ago DH was like "We're fine - we don't need help.  You don't have to be even about it."

    Basically- IS there some precedent as to why his parents don't reach out to him as much and seem to focus more of their energy and efforts on his sister? 

    Because if there is, I think it's time for your DH to start speaking up.  If you do invite them, I think HE needs to be the one to invite them and I think he needs to very clearly say "This is really important to me.". 
    Sillygirl45
  • mjpatzwamjpatzwa member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    @illumine I've noticed that some of your responses seem to attack. Is that your intention or were you trying to be funny with the "royal couple you" comment? 
  • mjpatzwamjpatzwa member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    VOR said:
    This may be off base, but I'll get to why I'm asking this in a moment.

    In the big picture - how often do you all go to see his family?  When it comes to events that both families celebrate, how often do you see your family vs his family?  Has he ever verbally TOLD his parents "I'd really like to come to ___ event", even if not officially invited?

    We probably see them a couple times a year. His parents travel a LOT-- like month long cruises, so they aren't in town a lot. He did tell his parents when he was in college that he felt left out and his mom dismissed it, "Oh, you're being ridiculous." Again, I wasn't there so I can't really speak to it. 

    And even - how independent of a person is he, overall?  How independent was he when he went to college, and then after?  Not in a financial sense as much of a was he always off doing his own thing w/ his friends (and eventually you), or was he sticking around home a lot? 

    He's very independent. His sister does ask a lot of them financially- even though they don't seem to need it. He went off to college, moved to a new town, got a job, etc. His sister did the same thing, but not as much. She still asks for super lavish gifts from them....where my husband prefers to ask for time-- like, why don't we/you visit and we do something together.

    The reason I ask- years ago, DH and I tended to do a lot of stuff w/ his parents.  And a part of it was because my parents didn't actually INVITE us.  Like for Thanksgiving.  At first, I was kind of "WTF" about it.

    But a few years later, my step mother was talking and kind of almost in passing, she talked about how she didn't invite us to stuff because she didn't want us to feel torn or guilty about where to spend our time.  She felt she was doing us a favor.

    Now that you point this out, you have me thinking. His mom could possibly be doing this, too.

    And as far as independence - well, this is from a financial standpoint, but still - DH has always been better w/ $$, had more secure jobs than his brother.  And also his brother would (and still does - at the age of 47) ask his parents for $$.  So- his parents tend to give BIL a fair amount of money where as they'd never think to offer us $$ - at least not anymore.  Years ago DH was like "We're fine - we don't need help.  You don't have to be even about it."

    It's so funny that you say this because DH actually had this conversation with his parents after the holidays this year. They were trying to spend thousands of dollars on gifts we didn't need. (We had just gotten married and more than anything we ever would want/need.) He said the whole thing, "You don't have to be even about it." They seemed to take it well....
    Basically- IS there some precedent as to why his parents don't reach out to him as much and seem to focus more of their energy and efforts on his sister? 

    Because if there is, I think it's time for your DH to start speaking up.  If you do invite them, I think HE needs to be the one to invite them and I think he needs to very clearly say "This is really important to me.". 

    I agree.

  • I will add--- not sure if this is relevant--- but at the wedding/ and after...his mom kept bringing up the fact that "she loved my family so much. they aren't weird like ours. It's so much less dysfunctional." I was super uncomfortable and tried to laugh it up-- but I might just have to chalk this up to the fact that "no family is perfect." (Not even mine! They were just on their best behavior haha).

  • You certainly can try to invite his family, but I have feeling his parents will turn you down.  They will probably want to be closer to home and see their grandchildren.

    Not saying it is the right thing to do, just don't get your hopes up because I have a feeling they will decline your invitation. 
  • That's what I'm afraid of :(
  • I know it sucks.  The only time my ILs have come to see us was for our wedding and our daughter's funeral.  Our son was actually 2.5 years old before they even met him.  They simply don't want to travel to see us.  My husband has even offered to drive 5 hours to Chicago to pick them up so they won't have to change flights and they still won't come.  

    It hurts but it was easier when we accepted that this is who they are.  
    Sillygirl45
  • ah625ah625 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    I deal with some of the same issues with my husband's family. After six years, I've lost interest in trying to pretend like everything is fine. You and your husband are the ones that have to deal with each other for the rest of your lives, and (when/if) you have children they will take priority over his family's crap. 

    I would plan on doing Thanksgiving at your house and tell family that anyone who wants to come is welcome, but you're celebrating at home this year. 

    Sillygirl45
  • mjpatzwa said:
    @illumine I've noticed that some of your responses seem to attack. Is that your intention or were you trying to be funny with the "royal couple you" comment? 
    Not funny, nor attacking.  In my sentence, YOU could have covered YOU the OP and YOU the couple.  

    Because YOU - the OP and YOU - the COUPLE and YOUR DH deserve to be treated with respect on all three levels as individual entities.  

    And these three entities deserve a wonderful holiday.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    mjpatzwaSillygirl45
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards