Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

MIL's creepy bf

My MIL has this bf that from day one I just didn't get a good feel about. They have been dating about a year. Initially it was just a gut feel but now some things have happened that have validated my instincts. I would love your opinions if I am being overprotective. I have 2 kids, a boy 20 months and a girl 3 months. He is a little too interested in my son. He won't leave him alone, always playing with him even when I am in the middle of something with him. Examples - twice now he has tried to take him out of his high chair in the middle of dinner and after we tell him not to. On my sons first bday after the cake smash and he was a total mess, I was giving him a bath and the bf came in the bathroom and said "I gotta see this". Meaning watching me bathe him. Last week I took my son to change his diaper and get him in his pj's and the bf followed me in to the bedroom to in his words "mess with him while you're changing him". On both of these occasions I made it clear that he should leave by saying "we'll be out in a few minutes". And not undressing my son until he finally left. For what it's worth, he and my MIL are nudists and swingers. He has recently moved in with MIL and I do not feel comfortable with them babysitting my kids which she suggests about once a month. I always come up with an excuse so they never do. Am I overreacting? I hope he is just a nice man taking an interest in my kid, but these incidents seem creepy to me. It doesn't help that I am not a fan of my MIL... My H thinks he's just a weird guy. He doesn't like him either but feels as though his mom would never do anything to harm our kids. I agree with this, but she trusts and loves this man. What if she just runs to the store and leaves my son with him? Sorry about the big long paragraph, I don't know how to format on my iPad.
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: MIL's creepy bf

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I wouldnt leave my child alone with him. I don't think being nudists or swingers matters here. His over interest in your son does matter, though. Your DH needs to realize that while his mom would never do anything intentionally to hurt your children, you just don't know this guy well and YOU personally aren't comfortable. YOUR feelings about YOUR children absolutely take priority over his moms feelings about babysitting. And what does your DH mean by "he's just a weird guy"? Um, yeah - that's kind of exactly the point!!
    Tofumonkey
  • Trust your instincts. Better safe then sorry. I would rather go with my gut & nothing happen then ignore it & something bad happen.

    Anniversary

    TofumonkeyJ&B0602
  • @VDR I would never even consider leaving my kids alone with him. But he is always with my MIL who wants to babysit. My H feels it's unfair to not allow her to babysit because of him and feels as though she would never let anything happen to them. He gets upset because my mom has such a close relationship with our kids, but she takes more of an interest. My MIL just shows up for an hour or so once a month. He feels like she should get one on one time with our kids like my mom does. I agree the nudist/swinger thing doesn't really play into the situation, but it is a fact I'm dealing with and don't agree with their values. As far as why my husband thinks he is weird - he just thinks he is socially awkward and trying to hard which comes off as "too interested in my kid" from my perspective. I agree with what you said. It is getting to the point where my MIL is making comments about not being able to babysit and my H feels like he has to have a difficult convo with her. I told him he doesn't owe her an explanation and that they are welcome to come see my kids anytime but it will be supervised. Anyway, it sounds like from your objective viewpoint as well as from the other pp, that I am not overreacting? I am trying to just use facts and not just my gut. Based on the facts, you would be weirded out too?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    The thing is - even if your MIL is there, her BF could say "Oh, let me change him" and off he goes - alone w your son. It can be as simple as that. I HOPE your DH is right- that he's just awkward. But I wouldn'lt care. If I got a weird vibe, I'd stand firm. It can't be about what your parents get vs his mom. This needs to be about the KIDS and making sure they are safe. His MOM might not do anything, but it doesn't take much for her bf to get alone w. your son.
    daisy662
  • OP,

    Always, always, ALWAYS trust your instincts. This is not about what is or isn't fair, this is about doing what you feel is best for your children. If you do not feel comfortable with your MIL and her BF watching your children, then guess what? They don't get to watch them. If this were someone that wasn't family offering to watch your kids and you felt uncomfortable, you wouldn't let them. So just because this is your MIL doesn't give her a pass if you don't feel comfortable. Strange lifestyle aside, her BF sounds creepy and weird. If it were me, I wouldn't let them around my kids either. Go with your gut. And btw, I would flat out ask your H what is more important - your feelings and the safety of your kids or his mother's feelings?
    Disneygeek77Sillygirl45
  • and ps - I had a childhood friend whose mother and step father were exhibitionists/swingers. In the end, it turned out that the step father was physically and sexually abusing her and her sister for years. Not to say your MIL's boyfriend is like this, but the fact that he's taken a big interest in your son, I would be very careful with that.
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2014
    Your child's well being is more important than your MIL's feelings. Especially since he has  a weird interest in seeing your son naked.  I have never known a grown man that cares about seeing diaper changes or giving a boy a bath.  I would also bet dollars to doughnuts that her BF in pushing her to have your son over alone too.

    Don't do it.  Like PP mentioned all it takes is for him to say he will take over diaper changes or to sneak in your son's room while MIL is sleeping for something to happen.

    Trust your gut and stand firm.  This is something not worth risking.   Maybe he is just socially awkward, but again this isn't worth taking that risk.  You don't gamble with your son's life all because you don't want to disappoint your MIL.  
    Sillygirl45daisy662R.WilsonnyPrincessVegan
  • You have another vote for going with your gut here. The BF sounds totally creepy. It's much more important to protect your children than to spare MIL's feelings. 

    Do not leave your child alone with them. MIL clearly doesn't think he's creepy, so she's not going to be extra vigilant to make sure this guy isn't alone with the kids. 
    VORdaisy662TofumonkeyR.Wilsonny
  • Thank you everyone for your responses. I didn't think I was overreacting but I tend to be a bit overprotective so I wanted to validate by objective parties. Even before this post I planned to stand firm and now I just feel better about that decision. It just isn't worth it to take a chance.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    R.WilsonnySillygirl45
  • Good for you for standing you ground.  There is just something weird about a man going out of his way to see your son naked.  

    Be prepared for a fight and guilt trips with MIL.  
    daisy662R.WilsonnySillygirl45
  • Also look him up on the sex offenders registry.
    R.Wilsonny
  • Also look him up on the sex offenders registry.

    I did a while back. Didn't find anything...
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think we have instincts for a reason, and if alarm bells are going off in your head you may be right to be cautious around him. Also I realize your daughter is only 3 mos so maybe he just isn't as geeked up about playing with young babies, but it's a bit strange that he's so fascinated by your 20 mos old son but you didn't mention him wanting to spend any time with your daughter. If he was just really a kid person and just innocently loved little ones I would think he'd be less focused on only your son?
    daisy662
  • Rainzzzy said:
    I think we have instincts for a reason, and if alarm bells are going off in your head you may be right to be cautious around him. Also I realize your daughter is only 3 mos so maybe he just isn't as geeked up about playing with young babies, but it's a bit strange that he's so fascinated by your 20 mos old son but you didn't mention him wanting to spend any time with your daughter. If he was just really a kid person and just innocently loved little ones I would think he'd be less focused on only your son?

    Thank you for your response. Yes, this crossed my mind as well.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Trust your gut! 

    Your MIL does not have a "right" to equal time with the grandkids.  She just doesn't.  My ILS never spent alone time with my kids - FIL has altzheimer's and MIL was an alcoholic and heavy smoker.  No way would they supervise my children!  Thankfully, DH was on the same page with me on that one.

    If your MIL wants more time with your children, there is nothing stopping her from coming over to your house - while you are there.  Or while your H is there.

    If push comes to shove, you can always be blunt with her and tell her the truth - you think her boyfriend is creepy and will not leave your child in his care under any circumstances.  Not even if she is also there.  Predators are often very manipulative and good at hiding their true selves, so if he is a bad guy, he could have MIL completely fooled.

    (Playing Devil's advocate - there may be a million reasons BF is more "interested" in your son, because he feels more comfortable with boys, because he knows that taboos about older men and young girls.  BUT......you still need to trust your momma instincts). 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
    daisy662
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards