Trouble in Paradise
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Not sure what to do anymore...

For the past year or so my husband has changed. Little background: I am the only one working. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. He stays home with our child. He was his idea to quit his job when she was born. i am gone from work 6:30am-7:30-8pm. 

Everyday I am at work I get texts from him  complaining and critisizing me. This continues even when I get home. As soon as I step in our front door it starts. Things like "you left a sock on the bathroom floor" "where the F*** is her hairbrush" to why can;t you do anything right? Also most nights I come home at 8pm and he hasn't fed or bathe our child. Its her bedtime! So I have to scrabble to get her dinner made and give her a bath. Keep in mind I only work 3 days a week! He is also wanting me to pick up more hours. so when I do he complains that he has to do everything around the house. 

I have brought this up that I feel he is belittling me and it hurts. He then turns it around about himself saying that is so rude and mean of me to say and will storm off. NOt sure where to go from here. I have suggested counceling but he says that is the step before divorce. 

Re: Not sure what to do anymore...

  • But he doesn't think you'll divorce him if the two of you don't get counseling?  He needs to use his damn head.
    image
    moonprincessddaisy662
  • For the past year or so my husband has changed. Little background: I am the only one working. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. He stays home with our child. He was his idea to quit his job when she was born. i am gone from work 6:30am-7:30-8pm. 

    Everyday I am at work I get texts from him  complaining and critisizing me. This continues even when I get home. As soon as I step in our front door it starts. Things like "you left a sock on the bathroom floor" "where the F*** is her hairbrush" to why can;t you do anything right? Also most nights I come home at 8pm and he hasn't fed or bathe our child. Its her bedtime! So I have to scrabble to get her dinner made and give her a bath. Keep in mind I only work 3 days a week! He is also wanting me to pick up more hours. so when I do he complains that he has to do everything around the house. 

    I have brought this up that I feel he is belittling me and it hurts. He then turns it around about himself saying that is so rude and mean of me to say and will storm off. NOt sure where to go from here. I have suggested counceling but he says that is the step before divorce. 


    Whoa.  
    He sounds like an abusive piece of shit. He is verbally/emotionally abusing you and is neglecting your daughter.    Get out with your child right now.  Either kick him out or you and the child go stay at a friend's or relative's place for now.  Then talk to your lawyer about what to do to secure your money and everything else.
    image
    spikeincSillygirl45crimsonsaffron
  • Just scared. Really scared. We just bought a house which was stupid I know. I thought it would get better.
  • Well, for one, I'd say that his being a SAHD isn't working out so well.  If he can't handle 3 days of it, and then speaks to you like that?  THEN he doesn't feed her at night?  That would truly make me concerned about what he does during the day.

     

    This is NOT A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.  HOnestly, talk to a lawyer.  At a minimum, I'd be looking at separating WHILE you go to counseling.  If he says no to counseling, well then.... that's on him.  But really- the speaking to you like that (and in front of your DD???) is unacceptable and you need to get your DD away from it.

    But your marriage isn't going to last w/ the path you're presently on.

     

    I wish you luck.  I hope you have a support network at least? 

    Sillygirl45cloudymeatballs12moonprincessdJ&B0602
  • You do not need this. You can make it on your own. 

    Wouldn't it be easier for it to be just you and DD and not come home to this shit? 

    Normally I would suggest at least trying counseling but since he sounds like an abusive asshole I say you can skip that "step before divorce" and just head right to an attorney.
    moonprincessd
  • Mrs.JK said:
    For the past year or so my husband has changed. Little background: I am the only one working. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. He stays home with our child. He was his idea to quit his job when she was born. i am gone from work 6:30am-7:30-8pm. 

    Everyday I am at work I get texts from him  complaining and critisizing me. This continues even when I get home. As soon as I step in our front door it starts. Things like "you left a sock on the bathroom floor" "where the F*** is her hairbrush" to why can;t you do anything right? Also most nights I come home at 8pm and he hasn't fed or bathe our child. Its her bedtime! So I have to scrabble to get her dinner made and give her a bath. Keep in mind I only work 3 days a week! He is also wanting me to pick up more hours. so when I do he complains that he has to do everything around the house. 

    I will bet you that he's got his hands full with the little one and other day to day issues and now he is taking it out on you.

    Nope -- it's got to stop.

    You and he need to sit down and have a good long talk. He could also benefit from some parenting classes along with finding an outlet where he can get out his frustrations and blow off steam -- he needs a hobby or some other outlet where he can do that: blow off steam and frustration.

    The nastiness and reprimanding you like you're some indentured servant has to stop.

    I have brought this up that I feel he is belittling me and it hurts. He then turns it around about himself saying that is so rude and mean of me to say and will storm off. NOt sure where to go from here. I have suggested counceling but he says that is the step before divorce. 
    Unacceptable.

    He's being even m ore childish than your kiddo!
  • I highly doubt that he's the one doing all the work around the home if you're home 4 out of 7 days. How is your relationship on the days that you're home? Does he do his fair share of housework and childcare, or are you doing everything when you're home? If he's at home with your DD for three days, he'd better damn well treat those days like work, and bathe and feed her like a responsible human being. I'm really curious if he's just crazy on the days he's taking care of her, or if he's also a deadbeat when you're home. Sorry you're in this situation, and it sounds awful for your dd. If he can't take care of her properly when he's home with her, then he shouldn't be a stay at home dad.
  • Also, the thought of a father not feeding his child dinner until 8pm makes me feel sick. You need to have a serious talk with him about how to properly care for a child if he's going to be home. But any father who would do that to his child seems like a lost cause to me. I would expect my DH to leave me if he came home at 8 and I hadn't fed our son. It's ridiculous.
  • Mrs.JK said:
    For the past year or so my husband has changed. Little background: I am the only one working. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. He stays home with our child. He was his idea to quit his job when she was born. i am gone from work 6:30am-7:30-8pm. 

    Everyday I am at work I get texts from him  complaining and critisizing me. This continues even when I get home. As soon as I step in our front door it starts. Things like "you left a sock on the bathroom floor" "where the F*** is her hairbrush" to why can;t you do anything right? Also most nights I come home at 8pm and he hasn't fed or bathe our child. Its her bedtime! So I have to scrabble to get her dinner made and give her a bath. Keep in mind I only work 3 days a week! He is also wanting me to pick up more hours. so when I do he complains that he has to do everything around the house. 

    I have brought this up that I feel he is belittling me and it hurts. He then turns it around about himself saying that is so rude and mean of me to say and will storm off. NOt sure where to go from here. I have suggested counceling but he says that is the step before divorce. 
    I'm sorry, this comment had me laughing pretty hard. I love the 'you're mad at me so I'm going to be even madder at you!' argument. Love it. One of my favorite things in life.

    You've got a few problems on your hands and I'm speaking from experience as a working mum with a stay at home husband/dad.

    First off - if you are only working 3 days a week, but finances are tight. Why isn't he working part time as well, or you looking for something full time? It just seems a bit strange to have two parents home for 4 days a week but finances still tight.

    Secondly - sometimes my husband won't have fed the kids by the time I get home (7:00) because we eat late and like to have dinner together, and I like to take part in the bedtime routine. So I come home at 7 and we cook dinner together or he has it ready (or nearly ready) and then we can eat as a family. Any chance that was his intention?

    Thirdly - the nasty texts and way he speaks to you is completely, completely inappropriate, uncalled for and unacceptable. How do you respond to this? Do you tell him where the hairbrush is? Do you call him out for his behavior?  Do you respond with 'why would you say such a thing to me?' or 'why are you calling me about this while I am at work?' or 'why would you treat me like this?' - pose it as a question and demand a suitable response.

    Fourthly - why exactly is he a stay at home dad? Does he enjoy it? What does he do as a dad other than to just keep his daughter alive until you get home? What engaging stuff is he doing during the day with her or for himself?

    Based on just your post this sounds like a pretty horrid relationship to be in. I'd strongly suggest that the two of you either go to counseling or you separate and call it quits. Even just separate for awhile - see if life is better working your three days a week, paying for a babysitter or childminder and then NOT having anyone belittle, bully or treat you like crap. See if there is a difference in your daughter. Might be worth it.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    moonprincessd
  • I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. That is full-time. I'm a nurse and on my feet all day. Trust me working 3 days a week is enough in my profession.
    My daughter is way too young to go to bed so late. She is preschool age.
  • Mrs.JK said:
    I work 3 12 hour shifts a week. That is full-time. I'm a nurse and on my feet all day. Trust me working 3 days a week is enough in my profession. My daughter is way too young to go to bed so late. She is preschool age.

    I totally get that you're working full-time, and your H should be too, when he's at home with your daughter. I still want to know what he's like on the days that you're home. Do you both stay home those four days? Do you get along? Does he pull his weights as far as childcare and house stuff goes?
  • We mostly get along. On my days off he usually plans video games or watches tv. He does help out but I do most of the housework and child care on my days off. He is going to school part time. He goes to class while our child is in preschool and had an online class.
  • I totally get it, i'm a nurse too, working even just those 3 days a week is exhausting, there is a reason our schedules are like that. It's wonderful of you to support your husband while he goes to school, but let me tell you he is taking advantage of you. I wen't to nursing school while working a full time job, and still managed to help with everything around the house. Your husband is using you, and sounds like he is neglecting your child as well. School can be hard I totally understand, but you can do that and be supportive around the house/ with your child as well.
    Sillygirl45daisy662
  • I'm a nurse as well. Those 12's are brutal. I have a new job now, but whenH and I met, I was working 12's Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I worked so much then and before (no kids, picked up a shit ton of hours) that I totally burned myself out. I can't imagine dealing with an H texting me nasty nonsense while dealing with patients and families on top of it...add to that worrying about your kid...this is crap.

    OP, what you do is up to you, but really, he is being a childish dick with this BS while you're at work. You're doing the majority of the housework and chid care. Taking and online class just doesn't compare. 

    I still vote that you would be so much better off with just you and you DD to worry about.

  • I have to agree with PPs, it sounds like your H is taking advantage of you. I get the feeling that he thought being a SAHD would be easy and a good way to avoid having a job outside the home. Now that he sees how hard it is and how much work it is, he's taking out his resentment on you and your daughter. I don't understand how he can complain to you about doing most of the work around the house when you are working full-time, and taking care of your daughter and house on your days "off". And texting you crap while you're at work is just petty and childish. He sounds like he can't handle any responsibility, and he thought he'd get a free ride by staying home. You need to make your expectations of him as a H and father clear to him, and see if he can live up to them. It's not fair to you or your daughter to keep going the way you are.
  • I would suggest looking at it from another perspective, not to validate his actions, but to bring up another possibility if you are looking to save your marriage. it could be that by you being the rbeadwinner that he feels emasculated playing the role of mr. mom. some guys don't like being in that situation and if he volunteered for it before he knew what the daily life of mr mom would actually be like he could be frustrated and way over his head. try to discuss with him the possibility of him going back to work and you scaling back to part-time, or weekend shifts ect. it may well end up being what he needs, to feel like the provider. otherwise the situation may keep escalating unless he addresses what is actually bothering him.
  • I agree with mariabend25. Sounds like he didnt know what he was getting into being mr.mom, and is in way over his head. Maybe him finding a job with something part-time may help? Is it possible being at home all the time with a little one is adding to his stress? How about a guys night for him?
  • LeaZLeaZ member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Can I tell you, this in  some ways sounds familiar to me, except that with my situation we have an added element of disfunctional extended family relationships in the mix. The best thing I did was remove myself and my child from the home. Its hard, its sad and I imagine definitely not how you pictured things would turn out when you started your family, but do what you have to do to protect yourself and your baby....no one should be subjected to that kind of treatment, especially by your husband. 
  • He needs to get his ass off the couch and get a job. He is lazy. Good luck with this!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Well you didn't say anything about whether or not you still love him.  But if you do I think the best thing to do would be for him to get a job and for you to put your daughter in daycare for the three days a week.  I had family watching my son for a year and it turns out it was much better for everyone involved for him to just go to a daycare.  It is worth the money.  It really is hard taking care of a baby full time or all day long and maybe there would be more peace in your house if your H would go back to work. 
    I can understand he is stressed but he needs to learn how to not take it out on you.
    "How often does the other woman get a happy ending?" Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl
  • I can't help but invision this situation happening with curlers in your man's hair. Hes acting like a woman!
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