Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Brother Trouble

Do I chose my niece&nephew, or my brother?

B has 2 kids, of which he never sees. Reasons vary and honestly I don't find them important anymore because I have my idea of why and I believe me over him. B hates his ex with a "passion of a 1000 suns" (<--quoting a movie.) I once read "your hate for each other must not outweigh the love and well being of your kids." - - of which I strongly believe that because B hates Ex so badly they refuse to work together. REFUSE.

Ex contacted me. At first she was bashing B left and right and I stepped up and told her to knock it off. She might be PO'd at him but doing this wouldn't change a darn thing about child support or anything else. Ex knows I have a son and tried asking what I would do if DH acted like B. I said it was irrelevant and if DH did I would be chasing my lawyer for CS not bashing him to his friends/family on FB.  - Long conversation ensued, of which she "calmed down" and presented me with her mailing address and telephone number. Ex claims she wants us to have a relationship with niece&nephnew. She posted pics of them and we spoke about them liking school. She thanked me for calming her down and talking some sense into her. I seen hope, but I wont be tricked.

B SWEARS Ex is always using trickery. She could, and I wouldn't put that past her. BUT... what if she does want us to have a relationship with them? What if I did send a care package of pictures of us and their other grandparents (my rents.) WHAT IF.....

B found out "someone" has been talking to her. (It was 1 time). He said he has an idea who but he won't confront. From what I gathered from this other party, B is PO'd that we would go behind his back.  ... My thoughts - he's been lying this whole time about why he hasn't seen the kids, and he thinks we believe every word he has ever said about Ex. Truth is, I started to believe it years ago but now I'm wondering.

Niece&nephew do not know me from Eve. But I would like a relationship with them.  BUT from what I gather B thinks "someone" is against him. Its obvious to me I cannot have both. Do I chose B because - well he's my B and I love him, or do I give Ex a chance and send a care package?   (BTW: Ex did tell B that she's been talking to "someone" and used it against HIM. We seen that coming. If she could get us to be involved with the kids she would use it against B) Thoughts?

Re: Brother Trouble

  • My take - tell them that when it comes to YOU, put the bullshit aside.

    Tell the ex that you'd love to have a relationship w/ her kids.  BUT she is NOT to use you as a pawn.  This needs to be for the kids.  If you ever suspect it's not (and the fact that she's dangling this in front of him is exactly what you're talking about... it needs to STOP), you aren't going to continue talking to her. 

    And then also tell your brother - these are his kids, FAMILY.  You want to see them, know them.  If his ex can be up front about that, then you are going to continue.  This isn't about her, it's about his CHILDREN. 

    Basically- be transparent.  Right now, by not telling him "yeah, it was me", you're playing into THEIR game playing.  Stop.  Be transparent.  Tell them both that you're going to be transparent.

    Proceed slowly, though, to try and determine if the ex is being honest.  DOn't start getting involved w/ the kids if you might end up backing away. 

    But honestly- I side-eye your brother.  These are his KIDS and he doesn't really seem to be worried about them as much as he is about "winning" over his ex.  That's sad.  I can't say that I'd choose my brother over his kids when HE'S being a jerk.  If he were truly on the up and up, it might be a different story.  But if he's petty and playing games, you can't trust him anymore than yo ucan trust her.
    ReturnOfKuusSillygirl45
  • I would tell your brother that yes you are speaking to the ex. That you want to be a part of your niece & nephews lives and that whatever problem he has with his ex is between her & him. Let the ex know the same thing. Tell them you don't want to hear about any of the problems they may have with each other.

    Anniversary

    ReturnOfKuusSillygirl45PrincessVegan
  • I am (and have been) side-eyeing my brother for quite some time. He seems to have this idea that I either A: still look up to him like I used to when I was 10 (I'll be 30 in a couple weeks)  - or B: he's the older brother who knows more/better/whathaveyou and I'm still the little sister who is to do what she's told. We have caught him lying so many times, in other situations as well. We don't point it out though. Maybe we should start..... (food for thought).

    I like the idea of being transparent. This is about me, the aunt, having a relationship with my niece and nephew. Its not against him, or her. However, VOR, I do not know if I might end up backing away. ... The Ex is trouble. She very well could receive my care package and then throw it away and tell the kids none of us care about them. She very well could try using me as a pawn. She might make it so hard on me that I do want to give up trying. I just don't know. That part has me rethinking sending pictures of our family.

  • This dumbassed junior high stuff isn't good for any of the kids.

    They need to keep their animosity and rancor to themselves and away from the kids. A truce needs to be called for the sake of the kids.
    Sillygirl45
  • It's tough, but I think from what you've described, I wouldn't try to be involved with the kids. She sounds like she's not mature enough to pull it off without using it as bait against your brother, and the kids are the ones who will get hurt. If she were mature and you know you could get involved and stay involved, I would, but it sounds like she's flaky and may just change her mind. It would be even sadder if you were seeing the kids for a while and then she cut off contact. Sorry, and it's a shame the kids can't have a caring person like you in their lives, but I have a feeling she wouldn't allow it to be a positive experience anyway.
    Sillygirl45
  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    I'm with Leftie on this one. This isn't going to end well. These two are idiots who can't manage to do what is best for the kids. 

    Unfortunately, they are the parents and you getting involved is just feeding the ex's crazy. 

    I wish I could have any hope for you having a relationship with them without causing drama for you and the kids, but I just don't see it happening. 

    Of course, I wouldn't have anything to do with your brother either. He sounds like a real peach. 

    ETA- if you do decide to try, take VOR and crystaldbl's advice... No BS from either of them, you're not going to listen to it or feed into it.
  • This sh** is just... ... ah.

    Perhaps its better I let it go. I admit that I don't have the strongest of backbones. I would just LOVE to tell my brother to KMA but showing any kind of backbone to him would truly result in losing my brother. He's a pig headed, stubborn, "I'm the MAN you do as I say" type of guy.

    My brother's mom left him when he was a baby. My dad remarried and got my brother back when he was a toddler. My mom raised him. Somewhere along the line as B grew up he had an uncle appear from his moms side of the family. They had a great relationship. Funny thing is when B turned 18 he went looking for his birth mother. Found her. Found 3 other siblings. A few years later he moved in with one of those siblings. Some sort of "falling out" happened and no one will talk to him on that side. Even the beloved uncle doesn't talk to him. Of course, B says he doesn't know why. Funny how they were so close until that one situation. I don't know what the situation was as he won't tell us and frankly its none of my business.

    But I'm sitting here thinking of all of the fun times B had with that uncle. I could be that aunt. The one person on that side that loves them.  - - - Funny how history is repeating itself. Or could. But I'm 90% sure I'm just going to leave this alone. B is always "talking" about how he doesn't want his kids to be 18 and know nothing about his family like he was but he isn't exactly moving mountains to keep that from happening. At this rate, when they reach 18, they won't care to find anyone.

  • crystaldblcrystaldbl member
    25 Love Its Second Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited February 2014
    skylily said:
    This sh** is just... ... ah.

    Perhaps its better I let it go. I admit that I don't have the strongest of backbones. I would just LOVE to tell my brother to KMA but showing any kind of backbone to him would truly result in losing my brother. He's a pig headed, stubborn, "I'm the MAN you do as I say" type of guy.

    My brother's mom left him when he was a baby. My dad remarried and got my brother back when he was a toddler. My mom raised him. Somewhere along the line as B grew up he had an uncle appear from his moms side of the family. They had a great relationship. Funny thing is when B turned 18 he went looking for his birth mother. Found her. Found 3 other siblings. A few years later he moved in with one of those siblings. Some sort of "falling out" happened and no one will talk to him on that side. Even the beloved uncle doesn't talk to him. Of course, B says he doesn't know why. Funny how they were so close until that one situation. I don't know what the situation was as he won't tell us and frankly its none of my business.

    But I'm sitting here thinking of all of the fun times B had with that uncle. I could be that aunt. The one person on that side that loves them.  - - - Funny how history is repeating itself. Or could. But I'm 90% sure I'm just going to leave this alone. B is always "talking" about how he doesn't want his kids to be 18 and know nothing about his family like he was but he isn't exactly moving mountains to keep that from happening. At this rate, when they reach 18, they won't care to find anyone.
     
     
     
    Do you really want this type of person in your life? I know it's hard but sometimes you have to cut toxic people out. I have my own brother issues and finally over the past year have basically cut him out. It's just not worth my sanity.

    Anniversary

  • Honestly, aside from this issue my brother and I get along good. Its another one of those things where this is his life and I should just keep my nose out of it.

    Everything in his life he holds close to the vest. If its none of our business, we don't need to know. Period. And he won't tell us. B looks at this situation the same. They are his kids, its his problem, no ours - butt out. Period.

  • Are your parents in town? Reason I'm asking is if EX is willing to let you see the kids, would she be willing to let the grandparents spend time with the kids? I'm assuming they miss their grandparents. Maybe starting off with visits to Grandma & Grandpa for a few visits to see how that goes would be a good start. Then your kids aren't being put into the middle of things. Then Grandma & Grandpa can decide if they want to go "hey ex is letting us have the kids, if you want to come over while they are here, feel free," then it's on your B. If he gets mad that she's letting your parents see the kids and not him, then he has to take it up with her. If he doesn't have a formal court approved visitation schedule, then he should get one ASAP because then she can't stop him from seeing the kids. If there is one in place and she's not following it, he can take her to court or even just file charges against her for not following it. Or maybe he's just not showing up when he's suppose to get his kids. But I don't see why the rest of the family can't slowly open up to EX if she is willing to do the same and be an adult about it and be polite and talk nice.

  • Ex actually lives approx. 4/5 hours south of us, B lives approx. 3 hours northwest of us. Between the Ex and B - they are about 7/8 hours apart. Right now, visitation has not been mentioned for us or my parents. B has court ordered visitation set up but he keeps saying that there's no point in him trying to go down only to waste money because she won't bring the kids. We keep saying to go through his lawyer to make sure she does bring them, which he states he doesn't have the money to pay the lawyer... .... and to be honesty we (my dad and I) are thinking he hasn't tried to show his face because we know he isn't paying CS. B kept saying hes waiting for Ex to file the paperwork. My dad kept telling him he already has a court order for it - that he needs to tell his employer. Its been 5 years??? and FINALLY after B found out someone has been talking he told my dad that his employer knows now. They would go around and around about whose job it was to make sure he/she was giving/getting CS. And of course, B keeps saying Ex is blowing CS - its not going to the kids anyway. So why pay??? Ug. Excuse after excuse after excuse. When Ex told him she was talking to someone she also threatened to throw him in jail for not paying CS.... surprise all of a sudden he's paying now. Harumph.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards