Family Matters
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Mooching family members!

Currently my husband of almost 4 years and I have been supporting my sick mother and older sister who live with us. We pay the rent,clean,buy the food and home items, pay the bills EVERYTHING. My sister refuses to work and disappears for days at a time while I take my mom to appointments,take care of my husband and attend college. Because my sister was sick as a child my mom doesn't believe she is able to do tasks such as cleaning and cooking. I have tried to convince my sister to work and I've even downloaded the forms for food stamps for her. My husband is ready to leave but I feel like I'm abandoning  my Mom. How do I gain a back bone and stand up to my older sister??

Thanks ladies

Re: Mooching family members!

  • edited January 2014
    Currently my husband of almost 4 years and I have been supporting my sick mother and older sister who live with us. We pay the rent,clean,buy the food and home items, pay the bills EVERYTHING. My sister refuses to work and disappears for days at a time while I take my mom to appointments,take care of my husband and attend college.

    You need to cut your sister off.

    Boot her out the door. YOu don't even have to tell her you are doing it.

    Boot her ass and ban her from your life.

    Change your phone numbers, your cell numbers, everything -- and if she comes to your home, do not let her in. Call the cops and let them extricate her from the premises.

    She needs TOUGHLOVE.

    Do not enable her by letting her be in your life.

    I will bet you she's an alcoholic or into drugs or something else illegal. Or she is mentally ill or both; normal people or non-druggies do no vanish for days on end.

    Another very good reason to exclude her from your life if she's indulging in something illegal or if she is an addict.

    Because my sister was sick as a child my mom doesn't believe she is able to do tasks such as cleaning and cooking.

    Enabling again.

    Don't mimic your mother: cut your sister off.

    I have tried to convince my sister to work and I've even downloaded the forms for food stamps for her.

    Don't be a codependent, either: let her fall on her ass and figure it out for herself.

    Why should she work? She has YOU as the gravy train!!!

    And above all DO NOT give Sis any money.

    My husband is ready to leave but I feel like I'm abandoning  my Mom. How do I gain a back bone and stand up to my older sister??

    You stand up to her by cutting her out of your life.

    You don't even have to tell her she's cut off. Do as I said --- end contact with her -- and let her figure it out for herself.

    Get counseling for yourself and I will bet you that a counselor will tell you the same: your sister needs to be shown the door and booted from your home and your life.

    GL.
  • edited January 2014
    You took a vow:

    The vow is Forsaking All Others.

    This means your husband comes first and nobody is to come beween the 2 of you. He and you are the family and a whole new family unit.

    YES he is ready to leave. He's sick of being put last while you coddle and enable and let your sis use you and your husband as the bank and a free ride.

    Want your marriage to go to hell because of your sister?  Then keep on doing what you're doing.

    If you don't mind me asking, what is the nature of your mother's illness?

    If it is something where she is self sufficient, then she doesn't need you. She can get a medical escort to take her to appointments, or get a cab or catch a bus or  drive herself to and from.

    I don't know what your mother's ill ness consists of but look into resources that can help, both emotionally and financially.

    Your town must have a social worker and social services department; call that person and tell her what the problem is.  Your mother may be eligible for other funding like SSI or some other subsidy --- you may be eligible to get her a live in companion or a nurse or some other health care professional who can take some of the burden from you.

    She may be entitled to a medical escort to take her to appointments.

    I don't know what the extent of your mother's illness is but somebody needs to have power of attorney. Find a legal aid attorney and see what he can do for you.

    Getting back to your sister: I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her. Something is fishy with her and the way she is living her life.

    I suspect drugs, or alcoholism, or some other illegal activity -- or perhaps all 3.

    And you are NOT requred to support her.

    She is over 18: SHOW HER THE DOOR. Cut her off. Enough said.

    The 2 of you are college students. You and your H are not millionaires --- she will drain you dry and take advantage of you and your H --- why are you letting her ride your coattails?

    If your mother is self sufficient and she does not need assistance of any kind to get around -- she's completely ambulatory -- then she needs to move out of your home (I guess she lives with you and your H) and get her own place.  She can get on by herself; I am sure there are buses and cabs she can take to get to her appointments and if she drives still, even better yet.

    If you live in her place, you and your H move out and get your own place to live -- anywhere but there.
  • edited January 2014
    BTW did you ever get this mess straightened out?

    My husband and I have very small income and I'm starting school in september. We never have enough money by the end of month and often have to call my parents for a loan just to have money to eat. I have student loans,rent,phone,metro card,copays for my drs and just other day to day expenses so I never have money to save. My husband,on the other hand, just takes care of his share of the rent and phone,saves $100 and spends the rest anyway he pleases.

    My big problem? When we run out of food stamps I have to buy the food. I pay for his meds,food if we eat out,anything he needs that he "cant afford". I've tried to raise his subject w/ him w/ him yesterday and just now and he hushed me because I was interrupting his youtube videos. I am fed up and this is ruining my marriage. Any advice would help at this point. I'm done yelling, I just want to fix this problem. Thanks everyone.

    If you and he were not self sufficient, mind telling us why you got married when you and he didn't have a pot to piss in???

    What about this problem? Is this rectified?

    HELP!

    My husband and I are living w/ his family as we look for an apartment. Its his step-father,mother and older sister as well as the 2 of us. The other day I tried to pay my rent to them w/ a check and they demanded cash. I dont pay anything in cash so I told them no way,take it or leave it. His step father got involved and said that myself and my Father wanted me to pay w/ a check so i could gain access to his account and my uncle(who my husbands step father has never met) was a thief.I admit at that point I was very mad and insulted. I grab my husbands arm and we start heading back to our room when his mother yells out "dont let her cook for you anymore,I saw her put RAID bug spray in your food!" and proceeds to tell him how she's seen me trying to poison him and the family and how I've been stealing money from his bank account.Out of no where his step father starts crying and talking about jumping off the roof! I have now found out his mother is only taking half of her meds.I have so many stories of my room door being kicked at 3am because someone is mad that there is no toilet paper or grown people crying that theres no milk.

    During this time I was preparing for a D and C and I literally had become sick due to the stress.

    I am at my wits end,I just want to live in peace. I have no problem just going out or staying in my room until I can get an apartment. I'm just running out of patience and sanity,I love my husband but I need to be in a healthy environment. There are no children involved,thank God.

    Thank you for your help.

    To tell you the truth, I cannot fathom why you even should have married so young at all, let alone married this character.

    YOu can't afford to live on your own, you are borrowing money to get by, you are on public assistance and this is all just bad bad news. Including the fact your H won't be a team with you.

    How in hanna did you make that tricky U turn from borrowing money from your parents to paying all the bills and doing everything monetarily right now?  SOmething isn't adding up here -- is this YOUR older sister you mentioned in this post, or is it his? Is this the same sister that is the possible druggie and who runs wild?

    This is a mess. I can't begin to tell you how much of a mess all of this is.

    Marry nobody until you finish your education and have at least 2 years' worth of money saved for reserves.  Money is one of the biggest issues a couple will fight about -- sex and religion --- and in laws are the next 3 biggies that couples fight over.

    This is a great big mess...ayiyiyiyiyiyi.
  • You are grown adults. Stop living with family and stand in your own 4 feet. 

    A year and a half ago you were living with your in-laws and asking your parents for money every month all while collecting government assistance/food stamps. Now you're being taken advantage of and you're the ones paying for everything...this story doesn't add up.

    And Tarpon is right, this is such a mess, I can't even think of where to start.
    TarponMonoxide
  • If I were your husband, I would be ready to leave too.  

    Listen, your mom and your sister are never going to change, they just aren't.  You need to come to terms with that and choose a better life for yourself.  

    I understand this is a very difficult thing to go through, so I would suggest talking to a trained professional ( like a counselor) who can give you the tools on how to handle family situations like yours.  
    TarponMonoxide
  • edited January 2014
    You are grown adults. Stop living with family and stand in your own 4 feet. 

    A year and a half ago you were living with your in-laws and asking your parents for money every month all while collecting government assistance/food stamps. Now you're being taken advantage of and you're the ones paying for everything...this story doesn't add up.

    And Tarpon is right, this is such a mess, I can't even think of where to start.
    I'm trying to figure out whose sister and whose mother it is.  The OP needs to clarify a great deal of this story.

    I also can't see why somebody would willingly live in what is a literal crazyhouse.

    I also can't see why 2 people with no self sufficiency GOT married in the first place but then, that's just me...

    HOw is the OP and her H paying for everything? "We have a small income"?

    Something isn't clear here -- on a small income there seems to be an endless stream of money???
  • Wow I didn't expect all these responses. H and I ended up moving to a different city and went to therapy. LOTS of therapy.
    Regarding my post. Its my family now, my mother was diagnosed with dementia at 48 so no she is not self sufficient. Getting married at 20 was STUPID but I'm in it so I gotta figure it out. I would leave in a heart beat if I could get someone to take care of my miother, like a home that treats dementia, but I can't. I do have power of attorney so I make sure all her bills are paid. Reading the earlier post it seems as though people think I was taking money from people. Not a chance. I am on government assistance (SSI) because of a permanent disability so I do have an income and my husband works full time. There is no endless stream of money or I wouldn't have to worry about eviction. 
    I am not perfect I made a ton of mistakes but I am willing to change my behavior and admit I am wrong.  I'm asking for help now because my husband and I were healing and moving forward but now... when I've spoken to family members about putting my mother in a treatment home I get guilted because "black people don't send away there family members". I'm watching my mother slip away and my marriage fall apart. 

  • I married at 20 because I was homeless and needed somewhere to live. Not a pretty reason but the truth. I wasn't on drugs or addicted to anything. I was told I could live on my now MIL's couch until I could find my own place but after people started talking H and I were told we had to get married for me to stay. 

  • Wow I didn't expect all these responses. H and I ended up moving to a different city and went to therapy. LOTS of therapy.

    Regarding my post. Its my family now, my mother was diagnosed with dementia at 48 so no she is not self sufficient. Getting married at 20 was STUPID but I'm in it so I gotta figure it out. I would leave in a heart beat if I could get someone to take care of my miother, like a home that treats dementia, but I can't. I do have power of attorney so I make sure all her bills are paid. Reading the earlier post it seems as though people think I was taking money from people. Not a chance. I am on government assistance (SSI) because of a permanent disability so I do have an income and my husband works full time. There is no endless stream of money or I wouldn't have to worry about eviction. 
    I am not perfect I made a ton of mistakes but I am willing to change my behavior and admit I am wrong.  I'm asking for help now because my husband and I were healing and moving forward but now... when I've spoken to family members about putting my mother in a treatment home I get guilted because "black people don't send away there family members". I'm watching my mother slip away and my marriage fall apart.:
    I married at 20 because I was homeless and needed somewhere to live. Not a pretty reason but the truth. I wasn't on drugs or addicted to anything. I was told I could live on my now MIL's couch until I could find my own place but after people started talking H and I were told we had to get married for me to stay. 
    You have a world of trouble on your hands -- it is nigh impossible to be a caretaker for a relative that is immediate family.  It is an emotional one and a financial one.

    For love of mike, get a social worker, a physician and a mental health care professional and find assisted living for your mother.

    She needs assistance that a skilled group of professionals can undertake. Not you yourrself; this is beyond your scope.

    I am not saying this to be nasty: I have seen myself what caretaking does to a wife or a husband or an adult child. It's not pretty.

    You need to get help for her. If you don't have power of attorney, who does? He needs to get it in gear and fuck what "black people" do or don't do -- this is somebody's life and somebody's well being and making sure she has the best of care.

    See a social worker in your town. Start there. If you go to college, there must be a student assistance program for mental health --- try there also.

    And counseling for you. Y ou are under a lot of stress and strain; a chronically ill family member will do that to you.

    I am still wishing you the best. Take care.

  • I do have power of attorney and I have been trying to get her set up with a caretaker. You said he needs to get it in gear. I'm not clear who "He" is. I am glad to say I finally got a reply in the mail this morning from a agency that provides home health care. Its not as easy as it seems to find help for a person her age with dementia. She is to young for many facilities and her insurance well don't get me started.
    You are absolutely right, taking care of a family member is hell...one minute she's happy and laughing the next minute she doesn't know where she is. People seem to think I'm living with her to mooch but the truth is who would'nt drop everything for their mother?
    But my problem is not with my Mom its with my sister. The suggestion to kick her out is nice but illegal, she's lived here for years and is on the lease as well. Trust me I would put her crap at the curb in 5 minutes if i could and change the locks! I listened to what you ladies said and I messaged her that she needs to find some where else to stay and her response was "I can't because I don't feel right about living with someone and not paying anything"...So at this point I am going to get her removed from the lease and go from there.

  • She must qualify for Medicaid. If she has no income and does not work, she qualifies.

    There are day care centers too for dementia patients.

    She's been clinically evaluated for dementia and it's been confirmed -- and it's not something like a possible drug interaaction or something else, like a stroke she might have had or some other issue that involves the brain and/r CNS?

    Talk to your landlord. A problematic sibling is a problematic sibling -- she should not be in your life or in your home as long as her behavior continues.

    I still say she is involved in drugs and alcohol or some  other illegal activity. Nobody normal acts that way -- who normal vanishes for days at a time???
  • You're on SSI for disability, but you're able to go to school full time? I'm sure someone with your knowledge of how to work the system knows all the ins and outs. 

    Nope, you're not going to get anyone to take care of your mom 24/7 for free. 

    As far as your sister, you have no right to kick her out of her home because now you're living there and don't want to deal with her. If you don't like it, leave. You can work toward getting your mother help without living there. 


    Tofumonkey
  • Got to admit I was thinking the same thing. You've got a permanent disability but can go to school and take care of your mother?
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    Sillygirl45
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