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The boss....

Well its my boss' boss. I've been at my job for almost 1 year and I absolutely love it. I enjoy the work and have great co workers and bosses. My boss's boss and I seem to have formed a chemistry from the moment I met him in the interview. We talk all the time from work items to just random things and really seem to click. He is 48, married with 2 children and I'm 32 and have been married a little over 2 years. He also lives quite far from the office and stays at a hotel for part of the week every week. During those days, him and I usually end up staying late till 7pm or so just talking about all sorts of things and past life experiences. We have also gone to dinner several times while my husband is busy with other things. Nothing physical has ever happened between us but I feel like we both have some kind of tension being built up. During the work day, things are professional, but I have a feeling my other co workers can feel there is a difference between how he interacts with me and everyone else. Right around when I started my job there were some major issues that my husband and I faced, where I found refuge in my job and talking to the boss. My husband has met the boss and his wife one time previously. This is the first time I've had this type of relationship with someone in the workplace so just wanted to get some thoughts from others. The boss is a great mentor and a person I can really learn from professionally. What do you think his intentions are? 
Anniversary

Re: The boss....

  • Hmm, there is a benefit to having a friendship with a boss as a mentor. But there is a dangerous slope you are on now as you are starting to build feelings for him. Stop staying late to talk to him, stop the dinners with him, and start talking to your husband about your feelings with your issues (because you should for the sake of any marriage). It is almost like you are dating this guy, when you should be focusing that time (and effort) in dating your husband again to get over your major issues and solidify your marriage.

    But because you are saying there is a "tension" and that others can notice the (unstated) flirtation, blushing, attention, ect. you are headed down a bad path. This tension comes from sharing yourself (your problems, concerns, aspirations) with another person, and since it is obvious this guy feels the same you two should by no means be alone together. So start the distancing.

    If you are able to get back to platonic, without the late evening chats and two person dinners, then maybe you can continue your workplace friendship in hopes of the mentoring and future promotion perspectives you described. Yet, that aspect appears to be minimal in the soon-to-be affair you are describing, so if you can't stop these feelings then you need to cut it off entirely. Especially when you note that he lives in an easily-accessible hotel not far from your work. Imagine how you would feel if your husband was this tuned-in to a co-worker's nightly residence? You asked what your boss' intentions are, but what are YOUR intentions?

  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2014
    You need to stop entertaining any thoughts about him that are unprofessional or more than platonic. If you find yourself thinking those kinds of things, focus on your husband and how much you love him.

    I would also rethink the dinners alone as long as you're having any tension or questionable thoughts, because that's setting yourself up for disaster. Always have a third-party present.

    I will admit that I have had a crush on a colleague in the past, and I found that if I stop focusing on it, it fades away and stops being an issue.
    image
    TarponMonoxidemcnx06
  • I don't know what his intentions are, but yours are pretty clear. All I hear in your post is you working up to a "Gee, it just happened" situation. Nothing is "just happening". You even have a "my husband and I were having a rough time" thrown in there. You know what you're doing is wrong, so knock it off. If you can't be professional outside of the hours of 9-5, leave it there.

    Well said! I couldn't agree more. And any married man in a position of power who acts like this is being incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional. You should both have more respect for your partners. And learn how to act in a professional environment.
    PnkBrideSillygirl45TarponMonoxidecloudymeatballs
  • Ditto PP's. Do not play with fire like this if you care AT ALL about your marriage. There is no excuse for you if this goes further. None. You WILL ruin your marriage and you won't have anyone to blame but you. Distance yourself asap.

    TarponMonoxide
  • In addition to what PP's have said, you not only are risking your marriage, but you risk losing your job as well. Many companies frown on 'relationships' in the office - especially ones of the nature you are referring to - so you need to not pursue this any further. 1 - for the sake of your marriage and 2 - for the sake of your job.
    TarponMonoxide
  • I'm kind of surprised you two aren't already messing around.  Must've been hard holding back, so give yourself some credit for not giving in to the way you've been feeling.  You're human, after all, and you're not the first person to find themself in a situation like this.  Just stay strong and maybe stop going to dinner and working late with this guy. 
    TarponMonoxide
  • And if you *simply cannot resist" find another job and resign and get out of there. With no further extracurricular contact with this boss, regardless of the fact that you're out there looking for another job.
  • Just stop! One thing I have taught myself is always ask yourself... How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your H was behaving this way?? If you would not like him doing something then you should NOT be doing it! It is a very simple thing to keep your actions and thoughts right.

       Image and video hosting by TinyPicimage image

    Sillygirl45
  • edited January 2014
    .

       Image and video hosting by TinyPicimage image

  • If you like your job and your marriage...I would make it as platonic as possible. 9-5 ONLY. You're playing with fire here & entertaining him after work is a slippery slope. I do believe that if you asked your husband about this (or your boss' wife), they would consider it borderline cheating...because it is. 

    This will not end well for your career or marriage.
  • I don't know what his intentions are, but yours are pretty clear. All I hear in your post is you working up to a "Gee, it just happened" situation. Nothing is "just happening". You even have a "my husband and I were having a rough time" thrown in there. You know what you're doing is wrong, so knock it off. If you can't be professional outside of the hours of 9-5, leave it there.
    This.  If anything happens between you and the boss, it's pretty obvious you're initiating it as much as he is.  Stop now so you're not back here in 6 months telling us how devastated you are that your boyfriend won't leave his wife and your H won't take you back.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
    R.WilsonnySillygirl45
  • mcnx06 said:
    If you like your job and your marriage...I would make it as platonic as possible. 9-5 ONLY. You're playing with fire here & entertaining him after work is a slippery slope. I do believe that if you asked your husband about this (or your boss' wife), they would consider it borderline cheating...because it is. 

    This will not end well for your career or marriage.
    And not only make it 9-5 only -- make sure all inappropriate subjects are no longer discussed. No more out of bounds topics.
    cloudymeatballs
  • Just stop! One thing I have taught myself is always ask yourself... How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your H was behaving this way?? If you would not like him doing something then you should NOT be doing it! It is a very simple thing to keep your actions and thoughts right.
    Absolutely! I'll bet you haven't mentioned any of the late-night chats or after work dinners to your H, because you know it's not just an innocent mentoring relationship. You're basically having an emotional affair, just because there hasn't been any sexual contact doesn't mean that you haven't done anything wrong. Get your shit straight and work on whatever is missing in your marriage, or end it. But don't harbor any illusions that your "mentor" will leave his wife for you.
    [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/mmbdis.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/t6xkxy.jpg[/IMG]
    DawnLillyTarponMonoxide
  • Thanks all for the input. I have found it interesting that after all these months, he has not made any direct statements or "moves" even though there have been opportunities. I don't even know how to read his actions-maybe he is just being friendly and feels we connected. My intention was never for this to be a long term thing but was thinking my crush on him would fade, but after almost 1 year it hasn't. In any case, I'm going to try to move to be more platonic in hopes this feeling will fade away since I do enjoy working with him and enjoy my job. 
    Anniversary
  • Thanks all for the input. I have found it interesting that after all these months, he has not made any direct statements or "moves" even though there have been opportunities. I don't even know how to read his actions-maybe he is just being friendly and feels we connected. My intention was never for this to be a long term thing but was thinking my crush on him would fade, but after almost 1 year it hasn't. In any case, I'm going to try to move to be more platonic in hopes this feeling will fade away since I do enjoy working with him and enjoy my job. 
    So, you've been hanging around hoping he would make a move so it wouldn't be your fault. Nice. 


    MariaBend25
  • His "intentions" are to not get sued for sexual harassment. So don't put him in a position where that's a worry.
    DawnLilly
  • If this guy owns and runs the company, who knows? Anything could go.:(

    I've worked for places like that and it's always like a spoiled rich kid who gets his way all the time.

    Again, get yourself out of anything compromising or tempting, while you still can -- and do it before it is impossible to extricate yourself.  This whole thing could cost you your marriage and your job and your sanity.
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2014
    So you were waiting to see if he would make a move?

    You need to stop and be honest with yourself. Why do you even care? Why are you interested in this guy at all? And more importantly, why is that interest not directed at your husband?

    There's something wrong with your marriage if you're entertaining these thoughts. Figure out what it is.

    ETA - I've been there. So I'm going to guess that if you read this, you're going to start making excuses and justifications in your head. They're wrong. If you're not getting what you need from your marriage, your marriage has problems. You need to determine how and whether you can fix them.
    image
    MariaBend25
  • I noticed in her response that she didn't mention her HUSBAND at all. He deserves better.
  • Thanks all for the input. I have found it interesting that after all these months, he has not made any direct statements or "moves" even though there have been opportunities. I don't even know how to read his actions-maybe he is just being friendly and feels we connected. My intention was never for this to be a long term thing but was thinking my crush on him would fade, but after almost 1 year it hasn't. In any case, I'm going to try to move to be more platonic in hopes this feeling will fade away since I do enjoy working with him and enjoy my job. 
    He's getting is jollies from the attention some sweet young thing is paying to him. This isn't a relationship to him, he's just having his ego stroked. You definitely need to make this a platonic, business-only relationship. No more chats, no more dinners. Work on your marriage or end it, but don't hold your boss up as a white knight. Even if he does want more, he's a married man, picking up on a married woman. Not white knight material in the least.
    [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/mmbdis.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/t6xkxy.jpg[/IMG]
    DawnLilly
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