Family Matters
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So angry, do I have a right to be?

Dec. 3, 2013 was one of the most difficult days of my life. I went into labour at 36 weeks with my daughter, while my mother was admitted to the hospital a province away where she passed away.

She moved to another province because her partner (now my step-father - they married in Nov 12) got a job transfer out there.  In Aug 12 she was diagnosed with cancer, she tried to talk him into moving back to my province so she could spend time with her family (she was given 6 months tops).  My step-father was able to get the same position with the same money, but he dragged his feet and basically said that he refused to come back because he didn't want to leave his elderly mother.

She spent the last 16 months of her life in pain, going through radiation, and chemo therapy alone. My step-father worked and she sat at home all day on her own, in pain and lonely. She and I talked everyday, but we rarely saw each other because she was unable to travel regularly and neither was I. I was so excited that she was finally given permission to travel for Christmas, my c-section was schedule for Dec. 17 so she would be able to meet her newest grandchild.

When she was admitted to the hospital, all of my aunts, uncles, and brothers drove to the other province to say goodbye. No one told me that she passed away until the next day.

I am so mad. I furious I never got to say good bye, everything was kept from me for a full day, and that I have to be the strong one to keep things together for everyone else. I was planning a Celebration of Life for my mother in my province, I need it for closure, I need to say good bye.  Well, my step-father decided that he didn't want to have it and that he refuses to bring her ashes. Then I find out that he is giving away her things to her friends to "remember her by" before me and my brothers have had the opportunity to go through and pick pieces.

Am I being a selfish baby? Do I have a right to be mad?

Re: So angry, do I have a right to be?

  • edited January 2014
    My step-father was able to get the same position with the same money, but he dragged his feet and basically said that he refused to come back because he didn't want to leave his elderly mother.

    He is bad news.

    He didn't get the message that your wife IS your family. What a pig.

    And he is a bigger pig for this:

    Well, my step-father decided that he didn't want to have it and that he refuses to bring her ashes. Then I find out that he is giving away her things to her friends to "remember her by" before me and my brothers have had the opportunity to go through and pick pieces.

    Did your mother have a will? If she did, she needed to specifically say in its body that "My daughter mhwood will be entitled to my car, my china set, my antique couch and the diamond engagement ring that Dad gave to me... My son Jeff will receive the Oriental rug" or whatever applies. But not everyone does that.

    Have it in writing, is what is legally advised.

    Get an attorney and bounce this off him. Your pig stepfather may not even legally be permitted to simply hand out what is there that belonged to your mother.

    Get an attorney, definitely. if your mother had a will, you don't need him flimflamming anyone out of what they inherited. I sure hope he is not your mother's executor. Most certainly contact her attorney also and discuss this issue with him or her.

    If your mother left no will, I strongly suggest you contact an attorney. I have never heard of a spouse being legally permitted to divvy up a loved one's belongings minus any type of legal permission. This whole thing stinks on ice.

    What a mess. I hope you get this resolved -- and I hope you get closure. Please find a way to do so.

    Sorry for your loss. Let us know what happens.


  • You have every right to be mad, sad, and whatever else you want to be. You are not a selfish baby. You have been through an incredibly traumatic experience on top of another huge life change.

    I'm sure this was kept from you while you were in labor by those involved because they felt they were looking out for you. There was absolutely nothing you could have done at that moment and you deserved to have some joy with the birth of your child. You, at the very least, did not need the added stress. You still have every right to be angry, but keep in the back of your mind...these people were trying to protect you, not hurt you.

    As far as how your mom spent her final time here, try not to dwell on it. You can't change what she went through and I'm sure she would not want you torturing yourself with what could have been. Remember the loving and wonderful times you had and be glad she raised you into the wonderful person you are. You will put her work to good use raising your own children.

    Lastly, concerning the step father...Ask him to stop giving her things away until you and your sibling(s) can come to select what you would like. It sounds like you don't have the best relationship with him. I can relate. You can't control what he is or isn't willing to do. All you can do is ask and go from there. 

    You may need some professional help to deal with such a difficult situation. Please get it. Grief counseling can really be so helpful. I am so very sorry for your loss. 
    na41313Rainzzzy
  • I agree w silly - I imagine they kept it from you because of your situation

    Have a celebration. You don't need your step dad or the ashes. You really don't. Have a celebration w people who you know love you, your mom, and WILL celebrate.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

    Rainzzzy
  • You absolutely have a right to be upset.  I also do believe in everything happening according to God's plan, maybe you were supposed to be exactly where you were.  I'm sorry for your loss. 
  • My husband has to go to the other province on business at the end of the month, I've decided that I'm going to go with him and talk to him in person about everything I've been feeling.

    I was going to talk to him about it today, but my aunt was found dead this morning and we were dealing with that.

    In the last 6 months, my uncle, my mother, and my aunt have all died. They were all siblings.
  • I am so sorry for your losses. I really can't think of anything else to say. So sorry.
  • You do have a right to be upset. My guess is that they that didn't tell you because you were giving birth and didn't want to cause any stress to you so you didn't have any complications while giving birth or shortly after.

    Giving your step father the benefit of the doubt, maybe he doesn't want to come to the celebration because it's easier for him not to deal with the memories & people again. Also maybe he is getting rid of her things so quickly is because having her stuff around is a difficult reminder to him that she is no longer there.

    Does it make it right how he is handling things, no, but try to keep an open mind on why he is doing what he is doing and let the anger go. The stress from it isn't doing you, your husband and your new baby any good.

  • I spoke to my step-father today, he called to make sure I was okay after getting the news about my aunt. He brought up the fact that my mother had a will and he is waiting to get approval from the government to access it.

    Turns out my aunt died of a heart attack. She was only 48, I hope they are going to look into things a little bit further.
  • Glad to hear that, try to keep the lines of communication open and hopefully you'll make progress. Hopefully the things you've heard he has gotten rid of are things that maybe those friends gave her as gifts or things like clothing that he figured you wouldn't want. Hope things to progress between you two.

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