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In law question- honest opinions needed please!!

2

Re: In law question- honest opinions needed please!!

  • My mother in law did something similar bringing up my husband's ex girlfriend. It was two months before our wedding and we basically caught her telling said ex that she wanted me out. Needless to say she wasn't at the wedding and we haven't spoken to her (or anyone else in that family) in a year and a half. She wasn't just awful to me, but also to her son (my husband). In my opinion you're walking a thin line by isolating your sister in law, whether its intentional or not.
    cloudymeatballs
  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    Ok, I'm going to go with this being a real post...I seriously question it...but, whatever.

    So, what do you do? Apologize sincerely for treating your SIL rudely in this instance and in general, but only if you mean it. 

    If you truly feel you are somehow too good to even bother talking to this girl, don't bother with an insincere apology. If this is just you, I'm sure your brother has already told her you're a self absorbed ass he has to put up with because you're family. 
  • You apologize because you've treated her terribly.  Whether or not that was your intention, that's what you did.  So own it.  Apologize.  And then make an effort to welcome her to your family.

    You don't "let it slide".  You fucked up.  She's your family now.  So you fix it. 

    You're an adult, I presume.  So you act like one.
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  • O.k., so going on the belief this is real (although I too wonder...), I'm going to break this down. 

    The things you've told us she or you have said:

    Her: as a new member of the family it hurt her feelings that it was done in front of her and that she felt akward and did I dislike her? And said it felt like i do not want to get to know her.

    You: I told her she was making up excuses, that I did nothing wrong, and how much I like Lori and have always liked hanging out with Lori, and I did not apologize. Whenever I see Kate she is always polite but seems very uneasy around me and stays away. I don't get it.

    You: I think she may have mentioned something similar and asked if she did something to offend me because when she sees me i seem to ignore her when she tries to talk to me. I said I am too busy and just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her at family events and it's nothing personal

    REALLY look at all of this.  She is questioning if you like her because you don't make time for her, and then later you tell us that you basically told her EXACTLY that.  And then you actually wonder why she seems uneasy around you?

    You're MEAN to her.  How you can't see that amazes me.  You make plenty of time to talk to his ex (in FRONT of her - which yes, is kind of rude.  ANd I have a feeling done on purpose), but you flat out tell her that you "don't have time" for her. 

    Whether you want to admit it or not, but I think because she's "not the ex" (who you liked), you're purposely being mean to her.  IT'S NOT HER FAULT that your brother and ex broke up.  Stop taking it out on her. 

    if, IF, you can read all of this actually see who you are absolutely in the WRONG, then you absolutely have to go to her and sincerely apologize to her.  (And if you can see how you're wrong, the apology will come naturally)

     It would be great if you could do some true introspection.

     

    But, if you can't see how you're wrong, and if you don't want to apologize, then no, don't bother.  Don't waste HER time or HER feelings. Because if you can't truly see how you've been mean, then nothing will change.  It will continue to come out in some way or another.

    But know, moving forward, that you ARE being mean, you ARE rude. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • bri123abc said:
    Thank you. What do you think might happen if I just let it slide and dont say anything and just accept the polite but large distance, because I know myself I didn't have bad intentions?

    If you behave like an ass and let it slide guess what's going to happen... You'll become one isolated ass that no one wants to waste time on.

  • My SIL, my H's bro's wife, right after going to MY bachelorette party, we were back at our house, mine and my H. We were talking in the kitchen and she started talking about how his ex used to have this here and this there. It bothered me and I told her that I still was not a fan of him and his ex still having any relations. (He and his ex work together) She didn't stop, she just continued on how her and his ex were such great friends when they were dating, since they both had young boys. I took her as a rude bitch who didn't care about my feelings. I simply told her again that I didn't want to talk about his ex and how she had MY now house decorated! She told me that I was being stupid for how it bothered me. Sorry, but I cannot control how I feel about something. So instead of going at it with her I went in the other room and turned on the tv. I since, have not been too fond of my now SIL... I had always looked forward to getting close with my SILs and having an awesome relationship with them, but she really is a shit hole in my eyes. And not just for this time. She has said things over the years that really has made her eeeew in my mind and my H's as well. I am just saying, she is going to be in your family forever now, and how you don't have to be best friends, but it would be nice to actually have some sort of something. Be polite, yes you should apologize for being a rude person to her. SHe simply told you how she felt and that you hurt her feelings. Like the PPs said, if you wont mean it when you apologize then don't bother, but if you would like things to be good in the long haul, suck it up and be a good person! I honestly wouldn't like you as my SIL. Good luck!

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  • edited January 2014
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  • I appreciate all the opinions. I suppose my question that I need answered is...if SHE is oversensitive and insecure, like PP's have acknowledged I'm confused as to why I need to apologize? Isn't that her issue?
  • She is not over sensitive and insecure. You are rude and dismissive. That is what you need to apologize for.

    Actually, don't bother. You don't seem to be able to comprehend what you are doing wrong. Are you usually socially awkward? Maybe you have some underlying issue.
    MaggieW518Disneygeek77na41313Sharpschruter22
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2014
    bri123abc said:
    I appreciate all the opinions. I suppose my question that I need answered is...if SHE is oversensitive and insecure, like PP's have acknowledged I'm confused as to why I need to apologize? Isn't that her issue?
    You need to apologize because you hurt her feelings. Just because someone is overly sensitive about something doesn't make it okay to offend them.
    image
    cloudymeatballs
  • edited January 2014

    Sure, she sounds possibly insecure.  And also like she's TRYING to get along w/ her FIs family, including his sister (oh, the horror!).

    This doesn't excuse YOUR behavior at all.  You were incredibly rude and dismissive to her.  And quite honestly, for the way you keep going around this - I think you know perfectly well that you were rude and you were rude on purpose.  because she isn't his ex.  You WANT her to feel bad. You WANT her to know you like his ex.  You WANT her to know that you prefer his ex. You WANT her to know you can't be bothered with her.

     

    I think you're using her insecurities against her.

     

    I hope she's going to some forum and asking "Is my FSIL rude?" and people are telling her YES and to stop worrying about being your friend.  I hope people are telling her that its' perfectly fine to keep a distant relationship w/ you - because you're not a nice person and she deserves better.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    cloudymeatballs
  • Well said @eastcoastbride @bri123abc it doesn't matter if she is insecure or overly sensitive or whatever you think she is. YOU were just RUDE in the first place and she approached the situation with grace and maturity. Instead of you trying to make her feel a little bit better, or even explaining it in a simply way you just acted like a rude Bword. Just sayin....

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    Disneygeek77
  • edited January 2014
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  • Am I the only one who thinks this is MUD, because otherwise such a self-centered world view would make me weep a bit for humanity.
    image
    Kimbus22
  • GilliC said:
    Am I the only one who thinks this is MUD, because otherwise such a self-centered world view would make me weep a bit for humanity.
    I'm thinking it has to be MUD. That or this person has an underlying mental issue or comprehension problem. Her question has been answered by multiple people basically saying the same thing. 
  • GilliC said:
    Am I the only one who thinks this is MUD, because otherwise such a self-centered world view would make me weep a bit for humanity.
    I'm thinking it has to be MUD. That or this person has an underlying mental issue or comprehension problem. Her question has been answered by multiple people basically saying the same thing. 

    I think she is just self-centered person. She was hoping to hear people say how she acted was okay. Wrong!

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  • edited January 2014
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  • GilliC said:
    Am I the only one who thinks this is MUD, because otherwise such a self-centered world view would make me weep a bit for humanity.

    It might be MUD, BUT unfortunately I don't doubt there are people out there exactly like this
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2014
     Just because a few people think she is insecure, that doesn't mean she is.  I don't think she is insecure at all and admire the courage it took for her to say something to you.  It would be so much easier for her to be a huge wimp ( like you) and " let it slide"  but she didn't because she's smart enough to know that 'you will be part of her family and she wants a healthy relationship on both sides. If what you posted is her actual email to you, then she handled it in a very mature and respectful manner and no, wanting to communicate how she felt  and wanting to make amends if she did in fact offend you does not make her insecure.  

    Bottom line :  You messed up really bad and need to do the right thing and apologize for your bad behavior.  Stop looking for pathetic excuses ( like a few people thinking she might be a tad insecure or oversensitive) and do the right thing.  Yes I know , it is hard to admit you were wrong, but it is the truth.  YOU WERE WRONG.  Now fix it.
    BulgariHeartcloudymeatballs
  • BulgariHeartBulgariHeart member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited January 2014
    GilliC said:
    Am I the only one who thinks this is MUD, because otherwise such a self-centered world view would make me weep a bit for humanity.

    Not the only one. After the last comment I thought this had to be MUD. Either that or she is one dense chick.

  • I don't think that she sounds insecure or overly sensitive at all.  I truly don't understand where those who said that are coming from.

    You FLAT OUT ADMIT that you don't bother with her when you see her, that you "don't have time" for her, that you don't know her that well because you don't care to.  She called you out on your rude behavior in a very polite way.........she strikes me as being very secure, and very mature.  She asked you if you have a problem with her.......because she's not an idiot and can tell that you don't like her.

    The girl who makes a big show of giggling and talking with a guy's ex in front of his current SO is the one who is insecure about something. 

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    Disneygeek77BulgariHeartcloudymeatballs
  • I'd go out on a limb and say that you have made a significant contribution to her insecurities.  pull up your big-girl panties and go appoligize to that girl or prepare yourself for years of uncomfortable family gatherings.  Sorry sweet-cheeks, you're in the wrong here not SIL. 
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  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Maybride2 said:

    I don't think that she sounds insecure or overly sensitive at all.  I truly don't understand where those who said that are coming from.

    You FLAT OUT ADMIT that you don't bother with her when you see her, that you "don't have time" for her, that you don't know her that well because you don't care to.  She called you out on your rude behavior in a very polite way.........she strikes me as being very secure, and very mature.  She asked you if you have a problem with her.......because she's not an idiot and can tell that you don't like her.

    The girl who makes a big show of giggling and talking with a guy's ex in front of his current SO is the one who is insecure about something. 

    I try to take the OP at face value when doing a first read.  Depending "how" you read it, and trying to put stock in the OPs take of a situation - I can see how people (myself included) might see insecurity. 

    BUT the more I read the OP's responses... yeah, I'm more in the camp that the FI isn't insecure but just forthright and honest.  And making a genuine attempt to create a friendly relationship w/ her FSIL.  With which all she's met w/ is attitude and "I don't have time for you.".

    Yeah, I agree w/ your take, Maybride.  The FSIL probably isn't the insecure one in this equation.
  • bri123abc said:
    I think she may have mentioned something similar and asked if she did something to offend me because when she sees me i seem to ignore her when she tries to talk to me. I said I am too busy and just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her at family events and it's nothing personal
    How is it "nothing personal" that you basically ignore her at family events?

    Regardless of her insecurity or sensitivity you were awful to her (on many occasions, it sounds like) so you should apologize and correct your poor behavior.  It doesn't matter if she's sensitive because you're being a jerk and, what's worse, it sounds like your being a jerk on purpose because you liked his ex better.

    But, I wouldn't fret too much.  Pretty soon your brother won't be speaking to you so you won't have to worry about snubbing Kate.
    image
  • bri123abcbri123abc member
    10 Comments
    edited January 2014
    Just to clarify this was basically how the conversation went. Not word for word or direct quote but the general idea:



    Dear bri,
     It was nice to see you recently. You have a really nice family I am happy to now be part of and someday have for my children. This may sound totally random but I just wanted to mention something-I don't know if this is true or not and I could be totally off, these are just my observations since we have met. There seems to be some tension and It seems as if I have offended you in some way? I am sorry if that happened. Sometimes I feel rather akward and ignored at family events, and if Rob and I have children I’d hate for them to pick up on this, as children can feel strain between adults. I know that you really don't know me and you certainly are not obliged to like me. I hope if there is a problem it can be solved if you have any negative feelings toward me. Please let me know if I am wrong so that I can work on that. I realize that I am sensitive and take things personally. Feeling like I am not part of the family, which I do, is not something I want any future children to pick up on, and so I wanted to tell you honestly that this is how I have sometimes viewed our interactions. I think you are a great sister to Rob so I didn't want to keep letting my feelings on this build up and would like to approach this proactively. I really appreciate the time you invited us over for brunch. That being said, perhaps you can see from my point of view that I didn’t really take it as wanting to get to know me, because the last time I saw you, you invited Lori to hang out with you. It is absolutely none of my business who you are friends with and I can see why you like her but it was done right in front of me and I felt rather insignificant as a new member of your family. That was painful to me. This is why I'd like to start fresh, so that when we get together, which I'd really like to do, it will be with a new perspective. I am looking forward to it, and I’d really like for you to come over and see our new house after it's built.
     Kate


    Kate,

    i like you. I have asked you and Rob over for brunch and I have bought you gifts. I have a lot of work to do at family get togethers. This makes it hard for me to socialize. I wish I was able to talk more but I am too busy. Hopefully this will pass and I will soon be able to. If you feel I don’t pay attention to you at family events it is not something personal toward you. I have always really enjoyed spending time with Lori. I was thrilled to learn she had recently moved a county over and happily mentioned that we get together. I am sorry that you choose to improperly recall your facts. I thought I was being very sincere toward Lori and that has no impact on us. I am disappointed that you would use this as an excuse to refuse an invitation to come to my home. Hopefully this clears things up.
    Bri
  • The more that you try to explain the situation the more you sound like a flat out bitch. I don't blame your SIL for being uneasy around you. You are being nasty to her & it sounds to me like you are doing it on purpose. If I was your SIL you would get a big ole fluck you & I wouldn't waste my time trying to have a decent relationship with you.

    Anniversary

    cloudymeatballsTofumonkey
  • Dude, your email was not good and doesn't even make sense.  
  • Besides, it doesn't even matter.  Just apologize. 
  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    You are still wrong. You can continue to try to explain it a hundred different ways, but you are still wrong.

    You are self absorbed and rude.
  • LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  This just gets funnier and funnier.  Has to be MUD.  Has to be. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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