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My husband isn't interested in sex... ever!

Sorry for the long post, but there is a lot of background info to go with my post... My husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs now and have been together for 5.5yrs. When we first started dating he was a virgin (which I didnt find out about until a long time later). So it makes sense that we had sex ALL the time then... after we had been dating for about 7mths I had to have surgery for appendicitis. During my recovery, he kept wanting sex but I would turn him down as I was in pain and still recovering from surgery (I had actually had surgery twice as the 1st time they didnt take my appendix because they though it was the problem). anyway... since then our sex life has slowly deteriorated. About 6mths before our wedding we just werent doing it at all anymore, and when I wanted it he would turn me away every time. We would fight about it and he would still never make any advances and would turn me down. I thought he was getting cold feet, or having an affair or something.... so out wedding came around like most newly weds on their honeymoon, you couldnt stop us and we couldnt get enough of each other!! but as soon as we were back home and back to work etc, nothing again... Then he started on some medication as he gets horrible upset stomachs, but the medication for it is also an anti-depressant... once he was on them, he would even have trouble getting aroused and when he could, he wouldnt be able to finish. so back to the DR and changed the medication and that was all sorted out. Anyway, we decided we were going to start trying for a baby, but he still wouldnt want sex, (I think he thought the stork would drop it off or something)... and when we would have sex it was like a chore, then finish, roll over go to sleep - no romance in it. We had a massive fight and decided we were going to stop trying and sort ourselves out... make up sex later and I was pregnant... during the pregnancy, he had every excuse under the sun to not have sex, even told me that my belly just didnt do it for him! So, now bub is 10mths old, I can't eve tell you the last time my husband made the 1st move for sex, when I do convince him to have sex it is actually horrible... he just lays there and doesnt touch me, then goes for it and goes to sleep. he never kisses me, and if I try and be flirty or sneaky he is not interested. a perfect example the other night he was watching tv ( a repeat I might add), I got in my best underwear and nightie and came out making all the moves and he told me I was invading his space!! Please help!!! What's wrong with me? or him? How can I fix things? Have I let it go on too long??

Re: My husband isn't interested in sex... ever!

  • This is a man who is VERY resentful about something that happened, or continues to happen, and he is 'taking out' his grievance by withholding sex and intimacy from you, probably becasue he knows it's the easiest way of getting to you.......
    TarponMonoxide
  • Sounds like there is an issue bigger that is causing him to act this way.  
    image
    TarponMonoxide
  • My H is on anti-depressants as well.  I have noticed that when he is on them, sex is less frequent.  Don't get me wrong, he can finish just fine, but it sure takes a lot to get going.  I was a virgin when I was married, H was not.  He has talked to me about how sex is awkward at times because he isn't sure what I like since I am just finding out what I like.  It sounds like your problem is communicatingwith him and vice versa.  No man wants to hear about how he makes you feel unattractive.  I am sure he feels bad about himself because he thinks that he is suppose to be the "man" (the one that wants it all the time).  Does he participate in your helping yourself out? 

    I would recommend just keep trying to be honest with him and yourself.  Keep communicating about your needs, but listen to his.  I have chalked it up to his medication, but I know that his mental health is more important.  

    If you feel like the communication isn't working, I would try a therapist.  

    Good Luck!


  • edited November 2013
    TLD2812 said:
    Sorry for the long post, but there is a lot of background info to go with my post... My husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs now and have been together for 5.5yrs. When we first started dating he was a virgin (which I didnt find out about until a long time later).

    Where was the communication?

    Where was the honesty on his part??? No shame in admitting he's a virgin.:( Yet, he never told you he was. Strange.

    This is a guy who wouldn't even be HONEST with you! wow, if he can't be honest with you about his sexual status, what is he going to be honest with you about??? There will be critical things upcoming where honesty and forwardness is a must!

    Even if he was brought up in a home where sex was not discussed, no excuse for the fact he couldn't fess up to you that he was a virgin. Nothing to be ashamed of. Yet he wouldn't tell you that he was.

    So it makes sense that we had sex ALL the time then... after we had been dating for about 7mths I had to have surgery for appendicitis. During my recovery, he kept wanting sex but I would turn him down as I was in pain and still recovering from surgery (I had actually had surgery twice as the 1st time they didnt take my appendix because they though it was the problem).

    Nothing wrong with that at all, not being in the mood because you aren't feeling up to par.

    Too bad he didn't get the newsflash on that one. A little upsetting he didn't take matters into his own hands at that time.

     anyway... since then our sex life has slowly deteriorated. About 6mths before our wedding we just werent doing it at all anymore, and when I wanted it he would turn me away every time.

    This is where you should have sat down with him and had a frank, blunt and open talk with him at length: what's with our sex life and why is it you are no longer interested in having sex with me?

    It may very well have been he was no longer interested in you and the relationship was simply over. Stinko, yeah, and all the more so, considering the timing that was involved. Not fair to you to marry you under those premises.

    You could have called the wedding off right there, being that this guy was no longer interested in a physical relationship with you.

    We would fight about it and he would still never make any advances and would turn me down. I thought he was getting cold feet, or having an affair or something.... so out wedding came around like most newly weds on their honeymoon, you couldnt stop us and we couldnt get enough of each other!! but as soon as we were back home and back to work etc, nothing again...

    Who knows what was going on? That there was no sex or a minimal amount of it when you were still engaged should have been cause for great concern for you.

    Then he started on some medication as he gets horrible upset stomachs, but the medication for it is also an anti-depressant... once he was on them, he would even have trouble getting aroused and when he could, he wouldnt be able to finish.

    This mess was going on before the meds. Something was weird there for sure.

     so back to the DR and changed the medication and that was all sorted out. Anyway, we decided we were going to start trying for a baby, but he still wouldnt want sex, (I think he thought the stork would drop it off or something)..
    .

    Trying to have a kiddo and you've got problems in your marriage??

    Not a good idea at all to bring a child into a problematic marriage.

    It's a verboten idea. Not just "not a good idea at all."

    Again, you needed to have a talk with him when the sex began to drop off and was pretty much down to nothing for a good long while, maybe when 3 months of no sex at all elapsed. That would have been long before you were even serious with this guy.

    Passion ebbs and flows, and so does being in the mood for sex but that a guy is never in the mood tells me there is a problem.

    and when we would have sex it was like a chore, then finish, roll over go to sleep - no romance in it. We had a massive fight and decided we were going to stop trying and sort ourselves out... make up sex later and I was pregnant... during the pregnancy, he had every excuse under the sun to not have sex, even told me that my belly just didnt do it for him! So, now bub is 10mths old, I can't eve tell you the last time my husband made the 1st move for sex, when I do convince him to have sex it is actually horrible... he just lies there and doesnt touch me, then goes for it and goes to sleep. he never kisses me, and if I try and be flirty or sneaky he is not interested. a perfect example the other night he was watching tv ( a repeat I might add), I got in my best underwear and nightie and came out making all the moves and he told me I was invading his space!! Please help!!! What's wrong with me? or him? How can I fix things? Have I let it go on too long??
    Told you "you're invading my space"?

    I would have told him to go invade the open front door and to invade the space outside of it FOR GOOD.

    You will have to talk to him.

    Do it this weekend. Have somebody watch the kiddo and you and he talk at length.

    His opting out of this little fireside chat is NOT an option.

    He is to fully participate and he is to be honest with you.

    If it turns out he simply is not interested in you sexually, you must decide where to go from here.

    You did not marry to have a sexless relationship.

    I am betting that this relationship was over quite some time ago -- if this is the case, he should have called off the wedding. Not fair to you to lead you on and not fair to you to let you think you were getting a husband and partner in mind, body and soul.

    If he isn't interested in sex anymore you can:

    Get divorced
    See if he will permit an open marriage for you
    Or accept the fact that the bedroom door is closed and stay married to him anyway, without the option of open marriage.

    I personally would not stay with a guy who is not sexually compatible with me.

    The decision is yours.

    It could very well be he was never much of a sexual kind of guy once he started to have sex with you. Or perhaps he is asexual.

    Or it could be he is horrifically conflicted about sex -- could be anything -- but what it is for certain: he's not sexually compatible with you.

    You make an informed and wise decision and one that puts yourself FIRST. GL.
  • Thanks, 

    We have had numerous chats about it, he says nothing is wrong, he says he doesn't know why he doesn't want to do it. I even asked if he was gay?? He says its not me, he is attracted to me and I have raised the point of 'getting it elsewhere'to which he says if I do, don't come back!
     I'vve insisted that what ever the problem is he needs to tell me so i can fix it and if it cant be fixed to jsut tell me so I know and we can stop fighting about it... again he insists he doesnt know
  • I wonder if he is asexual.  
    image
  • edited November 2013
    TLD2812 said:
    Thanks, 

    We have had numerous chats about it, he says nothing is wrong, he says he doesn't know why he doesn't want to do it. I even asked if he was gay?? He says its not me, he is attracted to me and I have raised the point of 'getting it elsewhere'to which he says if I do, don't come back!
     I'vve insisted that what ever the problem is he needs to tell me so i can fix it and if it cant be fixed to jsut tell me so I know and we can stop fighting about it... again he insists he doesnt know
    Well, if your wife is not happy, then there most certainly is a very major problem.

    His job as a husband is to make certain you are happy and satified in all areas of your marriage and that includes in the bedroom. Pretty much the same way it's your obligation to make sure your husband is happy in every way.

    He owes it to you to work on this problem with you. No questions asked, no ifs ands or buts. It's a GIVEN.

    That he isn't bothering to make sure you are happy is not good news.

    "I don't know" and other evasive little phrases won't work. Not acceptable.

    It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. He's part of the problem, if not 100% of it.

    Have another talk with him -- and give him a deadline to get busy.

    If he doesn't get busy by then, show him the door.

    You can also ask him to let you have the option of an open marriage, as I stated.  Then again, if you get the option of an open marriage, you are still married to somebody who doesn't give a dang about YOUR happiness. That's a glaring hole in the entire fabric.

    The decision is yours. Don't blame yourself for what is wrong; he is the one who is obligated to help rectify the problem. if he won't, this is now a character issue -- and that's a bigger issue than a "he won't have sex" issue.

    The big problem here:

    You and he are not sexually compatible.

    The fact that he won't do anything to make sure you are sexually satisfied is also a big problem (and this is why it's not such a splendid idea to date a virgin -- ha; this is starting to sound like that episode of Seinfeld --- ever seen that show and seen that episode?). It very well, as I said, can be he was never a sexual kind of guy and it is very possible that his sex drive is extremely low.

    And even so, he cannot absolutely manage at least once a week for sex with you????

    That is NOT asking for the world!

    But apparently, you are asking for the world -- and that's where he's got problems making sure you get what you want and need.

    Another suggestion I have: see a sex therapist on your own and bounce this entire issue off him or her. See what other insights you can pick up.
  • Pretty sure he isnt asexual, as he masturbates... often... even when he is in the shower and I'm in the lounge room right there. I've busted him several times... hence why I feel that I must be the problem
  • edited November 2013
    TLD2812 said:
    Pretty sure he isnt asexual, as he masturbates... often... even when he is in the shower and I'm in the lounge room right there. I've busted him several times... hence why I feel that I must be the problem
    Nope.

    His masturbation isn't a trickle down effect on "you" or whatever you want to call it. It is extrinsic of the problem the 2 of you are having.

    Why in the world didn't you offer a hand, so to speak???

    See a sex therapist, as I suggested. Tell that person what you told us and see what kind of advice and input you get.

    You didn't get married to be in a no-sex relationship.

    If you say it is "often", maybe we are talking about a possible masturbation addiction: don't laugh; there is such a thing. (he might be doing it even more than you have discovered, or maybe he's at the norm for masturbation; only he knows how much and how often each day; this is why I said it's a maybe for an addiction)

    Why didn't you jump into that shower with him and offer a hand? How can a guy possibly say no to that?

    If sex is important to you, you won't accept no for an answer. It is his duty and responsibility to ensure you are happy on all fronts. That he won't lift a finger (so to speak) to make sure you're happy in the bedroom is a very glaring character deficit.

    Talk to him again and do it when you and he have a good chunk of time available, with no interruptions. Demand honesty and demand a solution.

    And if he won't ante up -- and the idea of an open marriage isn't for you --- consider showing him the door.

    You could insist on a therapist for the both of you jointly to see (marriage counselor and sex therapist) but it is very likely he will say no to one or both. Not a good portent, even if you make it a must and mandatory that he attend and he says no.

    Counseling for you; you go alone (to both a regular counselor and a sex therapist -- to discuss the topic of why your H is so stingy and so sparkless in the bedroom) it'll help you immensely.
  • Tarpy is absolutely right about counselling...it's essential, especially for him....and it needs to be done by a real psychologist.    No marriage (or any other relationship come to that) can work where one partner so obviously enjoys 'torturing' the other.

    It's not too surprising that he will not put the problem right and does not want you to have an open marriage......He's getting just what he wants it seems....and what he wants is to hand out mental and emotional stress to you.......

    The real questions are...1) Why.....& 2) Can it be healed.
  • edited November 2013
    oldbugle said:
    Tarpy is absolutely right about counselling...it's essential, especially for him....and it needs to be done by a real psychologist.    No marriage (or any other relationship come to that) can work where one partner so obviously enjoys 'torturing' the other.

    He needed a major overhaul with his communication skills eons ago -- you can't tell your significant other you're a virgin?

    It's not too surprising that he will not put the problem right and does not want you to have an open marriage......He's getting just what he wants it seems....and what he wants is to hand out mental and emotional stress to you.......

    The real questions are...1) Why.....& 2) Can it be healed.

    And the bigger question is why is he handing out what he is handing you?

    I don't know what his upbringing was -- maybe he came from a highly religious home or a home where sex was not spoken about and a forbidden topic.

    And it slays me that he wouldn't even tell you he was a virgin when you were dating him. Where is the communication here?  Was this all based on shame or some kind of foolish pride or "territory"? Positively nothing wrong with being a virgin. Maybe he never admitted it because he was afraid you'd think "Wow, what a weirdo" and you'd run like hell.

    Only he can tell you why he did what he did or why he is doing what he is doing.

    Honesty and communication are key here. If he can't even give that much to his wife and mother of his kids, pretty bad.:(
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