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Sister-in-law from hell..

So I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible. My sister-in-law and I have had a very difficult relationship from the begining. At the begining she didnt like me and made it very known. Things got a little but better over the years, but we still have our occasional fights. The most recent one is bad. She was talking to my husbands ex girlfriend...and thats not the problem...the problem is she lied about it and was downright rude when I confronted her about it. She called me every name in the book and insulted my looks. She also was very rude to my husband, her brother.

On top of this she and her "fiance" are planning a very fast wedding...she just told everyone she was getting married a week ago and its planned for this Friday. During the fight she said she didnt want us as the witnesses and she doesnt even want us there. Well this has created quite the conflict with the family. I have no problem not going, however I feel bad for my husband who refuses to go unless she apologizes. If she apologizes to me I dont even know if I would go.

Just wanted to get thoughts on what I should do. Do I ignore the hurtful things she said to me and go to the wedding for my husband? Or do I ignore what the family is saying and my husband and I not go? My MIL says its something we will regret but she understands and supports our decision.

Any suggestions are helpful :)

«1

Re: Sister-in-law from hell..

  • Ok, lets go back to the beginning.  When she was rude to you when you first started dating, what was your husband's reaction ?

    Why did you feel you had to confront her because she was talking to his ex-girlfriend ?

  • Don't go. Ignore the drama. I didn't go to my sister's wedding and it was no big deal. She was more upset in the end than I was that she didn't invite me. We are now back to getting along so perhaps in the future your H and she can get to a better place in their relationship and you can as well.
  • Curious, why do you have a problem with her speaking with his ex? To be honest it's none of your business who she has relationships with. I think you were wrong for confronting her about it.

    That said, it doesn't excuse her behavior in response. You both sound like you handled the issue childishly.

    It's her wedding. Respect her wishes and don't attend. Furthermore, respect your husband's wishes. Unless you want to apologize for your part in this and try to make things right.

    Going forward let your husband handle issues with his family.
  • Disneygeek77- When we first started dating my husband stood up for me and told her that she cant talk like that to me. He always has my back. The reason I confronted her is because she used to talk so much crap about this girl and now shes saying she loves her. It was just wierd so I asked her about it in a nice way and then she went off.

     

    Spikeinc- Thank you!

  • Jemma- The reason I confronted her is because she used to talk so much crap about this girl and now shes saying she loves her. It was just wierd so I asked her about it in a nice way and then she went off.

    You're right she can have a relationship with whoever she wants...I just confronted her on the fact of why she was telling me one thing and then doing another

     

  • Oh, I see so it was more of a "Hmmm, I thought you didn't like her ?"" not a "" How dare you talk to his ex-girlfriend kind of thing.""

    Did you confront her publicly or privately?  Could be that she simply changed her mind about the girl.  Either way, you probably should have just not said anything and shrugged it off. 

    If you were to apologize to her, I would apologize for that especially if this was done in front of other people.  Say you shouldn't have said anything because truthfully, it isn't any of your business.   I know there are people I didn't like at first, but as we got older, I found that I liked them more.  It happens. 

    Now that is no excuse for her reaction.  She never should have insulted you like that.

    As far as the wedding goes, you have to respect her wishes.  You are not invited no matter what your MIL says. 

    In the future, expect this kind of treatment from her.  This is who she is so set your expectation accordingly and if you both decide you don't want to be around her, that is ok. 

  • No it was in private.

    But none the less, thank you for your input :)

  • Also- something I forgot to add is the fact that I felt it was an intentional slap in the face. She's been doing things like that for 5 years. I dont think its that she truly likes her, I felt as though it was a way to get a rise out of me.
  • Fair enough. It still seems really petty and childish to start a fight over something like this. Again, she was wrong to say such hurtful things. But the way I see it, you were borrowing trouble. Almost looking for a fight. What's done is done and hopefully you will be able to move past it at some point. But get some sense and learn to pick your battles. This was a silly, insignificant event that has blown up into something it never needed to be.
  • During the fight she said she didnt want us as the witnesses and she doesnt even want us there.


    Is this still HER stance?  If so, then I wouldn't go.  it doesn't really matter what anyone else in the family thinks about this.  this is HER wedding and if SHE doesn't want you there, then don't go.  This isn't about your DH or being there for him.  She's the bride.  I'd listen to her...

    That being said - for as much as your DH may have had your back, in the end, it's clear that she doesn't like you and probably nevre will.  Moving forward, I'd just keep my distance. be cordial and polite, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be friendly or to try and have a relationship with her. 

    You say she wanted a rise out of you?  Even if it was an innocent "I thought you used to hate her" - clearly this was enough of a rise that she was looking for, and she used it to go off on you. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Jemma is right.  If you thought she was doing it just to get a rise out of you, then why did you play her dumb game?  You should have just laughed it off.

    She sounds like a drama queen.  The best way to handle drama queens is to ignore them and no don't go to her stupid wedding.  That will make it worse considering she said she doesn't want you there.  Trust me, she will always hold it over your head how you ruined her wedding by showing up. 

  • Eastcoastbride- Yes, this is still her stance. But she is going around telling people that we said we werent going. Thank you for the inpu. Its obvious well never have the relationship I was hoping for.

    Disneygeek & Gemma- Yes, I was wrong for letting it get a rise out of me. However there also has been multiple things that I have let "slide". So, when is enough enough?

    Thank you though!

  • I suppose when she insults you outright.  I also wouldn't yell back, I would get up and leave. 

    I don't know, it just seems that the choosing the ex-girlfriend was an odd battle to pick. 

  •  But she is going around telling people that we said we werent going.

    Then let her.  She's clearly a drama queen!  If people say to YOU "she told us you refused to go", I'd just reply w/ a simple "Well, all I can say is that she told us that she didn't want us there and we are following her wishes.".  Anyone pushes/pursues it past that?  Just shrug and say "I really don't want to discuss this any further".

    Don't play into her drama..
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • When is enough enough? The way I play it with my ILs is to only address non-negotiables. These are matters of my life that are personal or important to me. I/we will only tackle issues when those matters are disrespected. My marriage, my family, my career - these subjects are off limits. Only when my ILs say something derogatory about those things will they be confronted.

    You have to do your best to work within parameters or else you're likely to blow up at every little snide comment or instigation. For your own sanity, and the health of your marriage, figure out what's really important, what's really worth the fight.

    If and when the time comes to discuss something with her, try to handle yourself with some refinement and civility. Easier said than done, I know. But you will be the bad guy if you fly off the handle.

    Good luck, hope things simmer down and you can move on soon.
  • Thank you all for the input! Its very helpful!
  • Eastcoastbride- Yes, this is still her stance. But she is going around telling people that we said we werent going. Thank you for the inpu. Its obvious well never have the relationship I was hoping for.

    Disneygeek & Gemma- Yes, I was wrong for letting it get a rise out of me. However there also has been multiple things that I have let "slide". So, when is enough enough?

    Thank you though!

    Seriously?  

    I guess my question is why do you care WHAT she says and does to begin with?  Unless she is directly affecting your life, then it does't directly affect your life, no?

    So what if she is spreading lies.  Those that know you and care about you will understand what she is doing.  And those that believe her lies vs believing in you are not worth your time of day. 

    And in the end, what bothers drama queens the most is no drama.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    JemmaWRX
  • Illumine- This is true. But it sucks when you try to have a relationship and things like this always happen. As I said previously, its obvious we will never have a relationship and I should just keep my distance.
  • Just back off and let it go.  The sister doesn't want you there.  Your H doesn't want to go.  Therefore there is no problem. Don't go.

    And yeah, confronting her about anything just seems pointless.  Let her talk shit and go about your life.  It'll catch up to her someday.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
    Tofumonkey
  • I wouldn't worry too much about it.

    Tell her you'll go to her next wedding, no worries.

    lol
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • Kimbus- Thank you!

    TofuMonkey- I love it! haha

  • Oh what a bad word.  That sucks to have a SIL like that.  I am not too fond of my SIL either, I had hoped she and I could be close but she already ruined that one for me right before our wedding.  As everyone said, ya just let it go...  Ignore the girl and over time, I'm sure she will realize that she was being a pain, just causing unnecessary drama.  Try not to worry about her and how she acts.  Just be the bigger person and let her do as she pleases.  Don't go to the wedding and stay clear of her.  I would just try to be cordial when around her, but mostly I would steer clear of her.  Best of luck.  Its sad when you realize that you cannot be close to your new SIL. 

       Image and video hosting by TinyPicimage image

  • Thank you everybody for the input!

    She texted me this morning with a very generic sorry...

    So I'm not sure where to go from there. I may just suck it up and go to the wedding to make my husband/MIL/GIL happy...after that I will be keeping my distance.

    Does anyone think this would be a mistake?

  • Thank you everybody for the input!

    She texted me this morning with a very generic sorry...

    So I'm not sure where to go from there. I may just suck it up and go to the wedding to make my husband/MIL/GIL happy...after that I will be keeping my distance.

    Does anyone think this would be a mistake?

    Well, when she apologized, did she then extend the invite to her wedding? Personally, I'm not one to do something just to appease others, but if you are now invited and you genuinely want to go, then I guess go. But don't go because your MIL is guilt tripping you into going.
  • Well I never responded to the text..yet. But no she didnt extend the invite.

    I want to go for my husband. We shall see, Im not sure yet

  • If she invites you, go. Be pleasant and keep your distance from now on. Don't allow yourself to be a target. The less you have contact with her or concern in anything she is doing the better. She will have to move on eventually if you do not respond to her drama.
    Tofumonkey
  • edited August 2013

    Update- So she texted me an apology (how fake). Anyways then she said she wanted us there. I'm torn, of course my in laws want us to go. My husband wants to go to avoid drama but then again says if I dont go, he wont.

    My mother is telling me not to go because this isnt the 1st time shes done things and then "apologized" and I forgave her. She thinks I should stand my ground and not go because it would hurt her.

    I'm sick of his Grandma and his mom putting the blame on us since we now are still saying we wont go.

    I need an unbiased opinion and QUICK since this stupid wedding is Friday.

    ugh!

  • I would probably just go...  I would suck it up and support my husband.  You don't need to hang out with her or anyone you don't want to.  Just go, have a good time with your man and don't worry about anyone else.  If anyone tries to start any drama just walk away..   Over all in the end you will be the bigger person...  I like to keep the peace.  Especially when it comes to family...  Family is family and they aren't going anywhere, so they are things that are going to have to be dealt with sooner or later...

       Image and video hosting by TinyPicimage image

    Tofumonkey
  • Hmmm.  I would go and give her one more chance.  If she insults you, you both get up and leave. 

    I would also keep her at a distance from now on. 

    However, I wouldn't blame you for not going either.  At a certain point she has to learn she can't treat people this way. 

    Tofumonkey
  •  She thinks I should stand my ground and not go because it would hurt her.

     

    This is terrible advice.  Don't go tit for tat on hurting someone.  Not only is it infantile, you will just dig the hole deeper.  At some point you need to ask yourself - what's the better option?  Constantly engaging in the bullshit and getting pissed off?  Or disengaging and eliminating the drama? 

    I would go.  She invited you, your husband wants you to go, the family wants you to go.  Put on your big girl panties and go and put a big shit-eating grin on your face!  But from this point forward, keep her at arm's length.  I wouldn't plan on seeing her or speaking with her outside of important events like this wedding. 

    Good luck and try to have fun!

    Sillygirl45
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