Family Matters
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IL issues... addition to family?

Question is: How do you feel about an addition to a family when you have issues with your ILs?

Backstory: H and I already have a 3 year old daughter. I haven't always had a good relationship with my ILs, and having a wedding really assured me that our relationship together was and is pretty much over. I have never stopped H from having a relationship with his parents, nor have I prevented our DD from having a relationship with them. That is not my place to do so. DH has been very understanding and has agreed that when he visits them, he brings our DD and I stay home to catch up on "me" time.

Well when our wedding finally came, my ILs really showed their true colors and disrespected DH and I in more ways than one. DH has been pretty upset about these issues and is angry on how they are treating me after the fact. He has been keeping a distance from his mom to avoid any confrontation. Well my MIL called him the other day while he was working; he didn't respond because he was working; she leaves a voicemail trying to play victim to everything and from how DH had said it, it sounds like she is blaming me for their relationship issues. He has since refused to talk to her, and has actually used the word "hate" in describing his feelings towards her.

Now DH and I have been talking about adding on to our family. Our daughter is going to be turning 4 soon, and I didn't want her to be too much older than her sibling when that time does come around. I want to add on, but I feel like this will cause more bullcrap in this family drama. Like, I know this is selfish, but if I were to become pregnant, I really do not want her to know, at least not until this ugliness goes away. I know she will always hate me, we can see it in the way she acted prior and during the wedding, and I am not too fond of her either. I just feel that if his relationship is repaired with his mother, then the addition will just create more issues between me and his family.

How did you add on to the family with your IL/family issues?

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Re: IL issues... addition to family?

  • I ignore them. I live my life and think of how my family will be (me, H and kid) not what my inlaws are going to do.

    You can't let the drama they bring dictate your life. You and your H want another child then have another child. You don't want MIL to know you are PG then don't tell her. It's your life and you can do what you want.

    My MIL told me numerous times not to have a child. She had too much going on in HER life and couldn't DEAL with a grandchild. I nodded my head and laughed. I also had a baby, H and I wanted to have one. Her instructions were ignored. Did she behave like an a$$? Of course she did. Did I care? Nope.
    Manther1222PrincessVegan
  • I'm a tad speechless here.  And it boils down to - stop giving his mother so much power in your lives!  I get your concerns, but it actually sounds like you'd consider not having another child "yet" because of her.

    Here's a few things:
    1- you OR your DH may never ever get to a "good place" with her.  Toxic people like her- it will never, ever change.  She will never ever magically become the mom he wants, the MIL you want.  It may never be "repaired". 

    Because of this:

    2- I think your DH could probably benefit from some counseling.  Find better ways to deal with her, OR perhaps even realize that it's o.k. to cut her out of his life if he so chooses. 

    You both need to realize that if you all having another child "causes issues" w/ his family, that's partially on you.  I'd distance myself GREATLY from them if my child caused issues. They don't get access to my child if they aren't going to be nice.  Period.

    And really- that's what YOU need to think about too.  This whole "you don't stand in DHs way OR DDs way" of seeing his mom.... eh, I'd rethink that.  Someone is an a$$to me and treats me like crap?  Uh uh.... they don't get access to my child.  My child doesn't learn "oh, ___ can treat my mom like $hit, but I guess that's o.k. because I still get to see them". 

    Nope.  Not gonna happen.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

    Disneygeek77
  • Thank you. I think I just needed a slap (which is greatly appreciated!). You're right, I can't let her dictate my life just because I don't want issues. I don't want her to know, and I won't tell her either. She can kiss my a$$ as far as I am concerned.

    The way my H is talking about his mom, I do not think anything will be resolved any time soon. I do not want our DD to be around her, especially knowing how she reacts when I am not there. I could care less if they resolve any tensions between them, but like I said, the way she treats me causes DH to not want to have any relationship with her. She did/is doing that to herself.

    I do think he needs to go to counseling to deal with these issues, especially since he has never really had the mother he wish he could have. He has been telling me a lot recently that my mom is more of a mom to him than she ever was.

    Thank you for the advice. It's the wakeup I needed.

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    Manther1222
  • I don't really understand why you would hold off having kids because of your relationship with your ILs. If you and DH want more kids, it has nothing to do with them.
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    PrincessVegan
  • DrZoid said:
    I don't really understand why you would hold off having kids because of your relationship with your ILs. If you and DH want more kids, it has nothing to do with them.
    I think it was because of the way they acted during my first pregnancy. I also think its the thought of them being there to see their grandchild is making me cringe too. They criticize everything I do with my DD because of the way I was raised compared to how they were raised. I choose to raise my daughter this way and I have argued with them over my parenting. DH agrees to how we raise our DD.

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  • I'm all for telling them "until you wise up and treat my wife civilly, you will not be in our lives" and then do it: cut them out until they wake up.

    Nobody goes over there: not him, not the kiddo and not you --- until they grow up and stop this mess.
  • DrZoid said:
    I don't really understand why you would hold off having kids because of your relationship with your ILs. If you and DH want more kids, it has nothing to do with them.
    I think it was because of the way they acted during my first pregnancy. I also think its the thought of them being there to see their grandchild is making me cringe too. They criticize everything I do with my DD because of the way I was raised compared to how they were raised. I choose to raise my daughter this way and I have argued with them over my parenting. DH agrees to how we raise our DD.
    It sounds like it's probably time to change stances on whether or not she gets to see your children.
  • smbenevides1989 said:I choose to raise my daughter this way and I have argued with them over my parenting. DH agrees to how we raise our DD.
    In the future, this is where you start ignoring them.  They get on you/ criticize you, you look at them and say "i'm not going to discuss this" then DON'T.  And if necessary say "this topic isn't open for discussion.  If you don't drop it, we/you will leave".  Then either leave or make them leave.

    You don't have to defend yourself to them.  By arguing, you're telling her that in some way, she is right/her opinion is right.  Don't.  Don't engage her.  The less you engage, the less there is for THEM to try and fight you over! 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I think you are making a big mistake by keeping this woman in your child's life.  Look, just because she has a genetic link to your DD, that doesn't mean she is entitled to a relationship with her.  Yes, some children really are better off with not having a crappy grandparent in their life.

    Right now, you are teaching your daughter life lessons on how to let others treat them.  You are pretty much teaching your daughter that is ok to treat you like crap because there aren't any consequences to they bad behavior.  Stop doing that.  Send them the clear message that this isn't ok and they will not see your child / children until they can treat you with civility. politeness and respect. 

     

    PrincessVegan
  • You guys are right. My DD doesn't need to be put in any position where it could cause her insight of how someone should or should not be treated. If my MIL doesn't grow up and act like an adult, then she has no responsibility in seeing my DD. I need to stand up for myself more than I have.

    Thank you guys again for slapping me right.

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    Disneygeek77Manther1222
  • The two of you are your own family. Don't make your decision to have a baby based on them. :( in 5 years from now would you wish you'd done it sooner? Probably.
  • I understand why you're worried. I don't like my ILs and hate having them around my son. I'm pregnant and would rather not tell them. Now we live long-distance from them, which is great and makes life less stressful. But I still have boundaries. For example, there's no way they're coming to visit us after the baby is born. When they do visit, they are not welcome to stay at our house. I will never stay in their house when we visit the city they live in. I will never let them babysit. My ILs earned these rules by being jerks. You have the right to handle contact with your ILs however you choose. You don't have to see them and neither do your kids. Don't let them stop you from having another wonderful member of your family!! Good luck! Setting boundaries is hard, but it's worth it.
  • Thanks @Leftie22 My H and I talked about it and he understands where I am coming from. We decided to wait on adding, not because of those issues, but more for personal and financial issues that we are currently experiencing. We hope to not wait another 5 years, but more like 2 years.

     

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  • About the child having access to grandma…

    Both my parents had what I consider to be big families. When I was growing up I only saw my two grandmothers. Any uncles or aunts I saw were out of coincidence of being at my grandmas' houses. I had no emotional scaring or whatever from not seeing my relatives. None. When I was older I could recognize that those relatives were a bit strange, so no wonder my parents didn't make me be around them.

    So your child has no real need to see grandma. 
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