August 2006 Weddings
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  • Oh man!  I can related to 30 year old loser-mooch irresponsible brothers!  Mine lived with me for four months - and didn't even bother looking for a job until he had to borrow laundry money from me.  Four months and he didn't even contribute a roll of toilet paper!  We (as in DH and my parents) got to the point where we were absolutely done helping him out.  A 30 year old is a grown up and needs to learn to sink or swim on his own. 

    Of course, it sounds like you're in a more difficult situation if your BIL has aspergers....or at least everyone believes he does.  I think you have somewhat of an advantage in that your in-laws don't live in town with you.  It's not like they can check up on you when you say you're too busy to drive him anywhere.  If he really doesn need special help, then I'd claim its too much for you and recommend he (or in-laws) look into state assistance.  Maybe that will spur someone into re-evaluating his "special-ness."

    Anything you can achieve through hard work, you could also just buy.
  • One word - wow.

    So let me get this straight, he has a college degree and obviously can function well enough to live on his own but not well enough to be independent? I would cry foul too.

    It sounds like this is adding a lot of unnecessary stress to you life. I really think it's time to have a brutually honest discussion with your DH, figure out what you are willing to do to help his parents support the brother and then as a united front have a brutally honest conversation with your ILs. It isn't your responsibility to support your BIL. It shouldn't be a burden to your ILs either. There are organizations, etc. out there that can help, there are homes he can live at and still be pretty independent while taking advantage of services - like drivers, etc. He can also still live in his own apartment and take advantage of services, like job placement.

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  • The smartest person I know has multiple degrees (MD, PhD) and has Aspergers.

    Has your BIL had any type of psych testing? Some of his behaviors sound odd - not like he is simply a mooching a$$hole. Of course some of his behaviors may be learned (MIL).

    If he does have some kind of mental/neurological illness, some of this stuff may just not be his fault - as frustrating as it is. He may have a really hard time living independently -and your MIL certainly hasn't helped the situation.

    Does he need to apply for long-term state disability? He needs a documented history of illness to do so - so taking him to see someone now would be a good thing.


  • First, I don't think you can even carry this guy on your insurance...he's not your dependent.  It would probably be illegal so that point is moot.

    Second, I think BIL needs therapy.  He clearly can function but is in this mindset that he can't.  To play armchair psychologist for a minute, I think years of being told that he's, uh, "special" has convinced him that he is and he behaves like a child as a result.  If he really has Aspergers or something else, he should be getting professional treatment for it.  And if he doesn't, he should be getting treatment for his child-like behavior.

    I think you husband needs to sit down with his parents and tell them that he's concerned about BIL's well-being and that he wants to make sure BIL is well taken care of when they are gone.  He should suggest they seek treatment for him and stay firm.  If the ILs refuse to let him be diagnosed and treated, that you and your DH should just refuse to accept there is a problem and just start treating him like a functioning adult.  Let him put catnip in the tree and get a bus pass.

    I think you and your husband should agree on a financial amount as well as a time limit each month (say 4 hours) that you'll be willing to contribute to his support and stick to it.  If it's zero, so be it.  Communicate that to the ILs and stick to it.

    Basically, I think you need boundaries or this is going to kill you guys.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  This really sounds awful.  ::hugs::


  • I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. Like you don't have enough to deal with, with a baby on the way, right?

    I'll piggyback on what ESF said and ditto that you two should set some boundaries. Unless you accept the way things are and want to continue on with things the way they have been. Changing anything would be a hard road, and you'd have to work toward a solution together, but it sounds possible. Talking to your H about it would be a good start. And using the new baby as a springboard might be a good idea -- like "hey, things are going to change around here when the baby comes, and it will affect our situation with your bro" etc.

    zombie hugs. Left Hug And feel free to vent away!

  • ditto the boundaries - blame it all on the baby if you have too - which isn't that far from the truth.

    If your BIL needs help, he needs it from his parents. they need to send him to therapy, get him diagnosed, get him into an organization that teaches people with things like that how to be independent adults.Tell your DH that neither of you are equipped to deal with his issues - which is a fact.

    Also, ILs need to set up a plan for caring for this guy if they should pass away. He is NOT yours to be a strain if/when the ILs die. My cousin recently married into a situation where her FIL died, leaving them to deal with her SIL who is severally mentally disabled - and paying for her astronomical care bills.

    I totally understand that he may actually have no real issue, but even if he doesn't - he needs to not be you two's burden.


  • Also, I would stop taking him places and buying him things. Again, blame it on the baby if you need to. Maybe DH can show him how to take the bus.
  • I think you've gotten great advice already, and I can't add anything... I do want to echo those who have said that it sounds like BIL does need some sort of therapy - regardless of whether he actually does a mental illness or neurological disorder. His behavior sounds completely abnormal, and whether it's learned or innate, he should be seeing someone for it.

    I'm also very sorry to admit that I'm still LOLing at the thought of someone asking you to make a coffee cake (on Christmas), just because that person wanted one.

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