Relationships
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Relationship question (long)

My fiance and I broke up in August and our wedding was supposed to be December 13th (this past weekend). We had some issues that we could not work out and we thought that it would be best not to go ahead with the wedding at this point.

Right now we are friends but not seeing each other. The agreement was that we would take some time apart, sort out our problems individually, and then perhaps try to get back together at some point in the future. I really want to work things out, but I'm not sure how to approach it without looking clingy or desperate. I tried seeing other people, but I'm really just not interested. I've been working to get myself together and make myself into a better person (this is for my benefit,nothing to do with him) by going to grad school, working out, and doing things to help better my community.

Ex-fi will be moving back to our hometown in a few weeks. He'll be here until his job begins in August. I'm hoping that while he's here we can get things back on track.

Do you have any tips for how I can try to make this work without making myself look desperate?

Re: Relationship question (long)

  • If it's meant for the two of you to be together once he returns to your hometown; it will be. Wondering why you are putting so much emphasis on coming off as being desperate. What has he expressed? What did he leave with in this relationship? Is he still carrying old feelings around? Is anyone still bitter about something that happened? It may be time to let it go? It may be time to put this past relationship to rest? Do you think that there has been enough time between the two of you to return? Approach the situation as written in your 2nd paragaraph. Ask him if he feels that there has been enough time apart and that you would like to work things out and go from there. GL.

  • The reason we broke up were because of communication issues (he's from Russia, I'm from the south). There weren't any hard feelings and I know we both love each other but we each needed to work on things for ourselves.

    I'm scared of looking desperate because I know that's one of the easiest ways to scare people off.

    Basically, I just want him to be able to see that I still want to try it and that I am working on things for our relationship. I really do feel like he is "the one" but that the timing wasn't right. There were a lot of things I did wrong that I can see now looking back (pressuring him to set a date sooner than we initially talked about, becoming so caught up in wedding planning that I neglected the actual relationship, etc.). I just want to prove to him that I see what went wrong and I won't let it happen again.

  • Try being yourself instead of getting caught up in how you "appear".  If you plan to marry this man, sooner or later you are going to have to start being honest with him.  If you are desparate to make it work out, then you should either continue working on yourself so that you are no longer desparate, or you shouldn't worry so much about appearing desparate because it's honestly what you are. 
  • I am going to be blunt.  You say that your relationship was called off because of communication issues and you are now looking for tips on how to present yourself in just the right light to get him back.  This really leads me to believe that the reasons that postponed your relationship are still there.  I get that you have a deadline in sight, when his new job starts.  However, you mentioned that you were pressuring to speed things up before and that was a mistake.  It seems like you are trying to repeat it. . .

    Desperate = a lack of confidence.  And worrying about him finding you desperate means you are not confident.  I would focus on that, becoming confident.  Once you are confident you maybe able to see this situation in a different life, either how to repari this relationship or how to move forward.  Good luck.

     

  • A relationship takes two, you both need to work on the relationship. Interesting how we often learn more about ourselves thru other people. Hopefully the time away has opened you up to a learning process. Learning to be patient and taking into account - more important facts. It's a slow process, but the issue here is about you, not the other person. During the process of initiating and re-forming the relationship, take it slow and learn to pay attention.

  • What I really don?t like about this post is this vibe I?m getting from you, which is, ?how do I show him that I?m really perfect for him and that everything he critiqued me on isn?t true so that he?ll know we?re reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyy perfect for each other and he takes me back??

     

    I think you need to really take some time and focus on yourself here.  Put one foot in front of the other and breathe.  Work on your self.  Learn how to be dependent on your own person really work on understanding what YOU want out of a partner, not what you think HE wants. 

     

    I have a hunch that this relationship did not fail because of some language barrier/communication issue.  My hunch is there was a lot of ?stop smothering me? from him and you probably weren?t even smothering him.

     

    I think you are still too upset and shocked to see that this was probably for the best.  They call it break up because it?s broken, the book doesn?t lie.  Work on yourself, work on moving forward and finding someone better suited to you, AFTER you have allowed yourself time to truly grieve this instead of planning how to win this guy back.  Best of luck to you.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • image ahampton:

    The reason we broke up were because of communication issues (he's from Russia, I'm from the south). There weren't any hard feelings and I know we both love each other but we each needed to work on things for ourselves.

    I'm scared of looking desperate because I know that's one of the easiest ways to scare people off.

    Basically, I just want him to be able to see that I still want to try it and that I am working on things for our relationship. I really do feel like he is "the one" but that the timing wasn't right. There were a lot of things I did wrong that I can see now looking back (pressuring him to set a date sooner than we initially talked about, becoming so caught up in wedding planning that I neglected the actual relationship, etc.). I just want to prove to him that I see what went wrong and I won't let it happen again.

    Sounds like he did a number on you ... you take full responsibility for the break-up and now your poised to "prove" ... yes, you said prove .... that you are "the one" for him.

    He'll be able to see that you "still want to try it and that I am working on things for our relationship" ... when he asks you on a date and you say yes.  It's really that simple. 

    He has to actually want to get in touch with you and ask you on a date.  Then he has to ask interesting questions about your life and act curious about how you feel about him ... and feel out the chemistry together.  I suppose you can ask him out to dinner ...that doesn't qualify as "desperate" or "clingy" but he has to feel inspred to go and all that.

    As much as you want to do all of the work to repair this relationship - you can't.  HE has to particiapte at some point.  HE has to make an effort.  HE has to want to.  HE has to get to know you again. 

    And I really want to put a big red circle aroud this .... YOU have to want to date him, too.  The real him.  The HIM that walked out becuase you got too involved and excited in wedding preparations .. the HIM that still from Russia and communiates poorly with a southern girl ... the HIM that's moving back to town and hasn't made a lot of effort to see you ... the HIM that leaves you feeling insecure and vunerable ... the HIM who put all this blame on the break-up on you and apparently very little work in reconnecting.

    At some point you have to stop chasing ... and take a good look at whether or not he notices.  And you have to expect MUCH BETTER treatment from this guy than a stage where you can demonstrate how wonderful and better and all fixed you are.   

    When does the new and improved HIM get to convince you to take him back?  Or is the door completely open and all he has to do is walk in and say "hello"?  Because frankly, after breaking an engagment ... I'd need a lot better than "hello" to start-up again.  A LOT. 

    You should, too.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • where does HE fit into all of this? all i see is how YOU made mistakes, how YOU did stuff wrong, how YOU need to fix yourself. I dont like the sounds of it at all.

    sounds to me like HE got what he wanted...you to back off and he can still hang on when it is comfortable for HIM. he can see you when it is comfortable for him, and push you back whenever he wants. m,ust be nice.

    sounds like you got the shit end of the stick.

    you DO sound desperate to me.

  • image ahampton:

    I really want to work things out, but I'm not sure how to approach it without looking clingy or desperate. I tried seeing other people, but I'm really just not interested.

    Let's break it down. You were engaged to be married and you broke up four months ago. In that time, instead of working on yourself and your issues, you dated other people. So basically you were ready to commit to this man for the rest of your life but as soon as you broke up you jumped right back in the dating game... but you don't want to look desperate? Honey, you are desperate! Desperate to have a man -- any man -- by your side.

    Why is that?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image zitiqueen:
    image ahampton:

    I really want to work things out, but I'm not sure how to approach it without looking clingy or desperate. I tried seeing other people, but I'm really just not interested.

    Let's break it down. You were engaged to be married and you broke up four months ago. In that time, instead of working on yourself and your issues, you dated other people. So basically you were ready to commit to this man for the rest of your life but as soon as you broke up you jumped right back in the dating game... but you don't want to look desperate? Honey, you are desperate! Desperate to have a man -- any man -- by your side.

    Why is that?

    Ditto.  Ditto 100%.

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  • ok...

    First of all, I didn't represent myself very well and I apologize.

    Secondly, I don't completely blame myself for the breakup: there were things he did too. Nothing major, but even little things can turn into big things over time. I'm not someone who's with a man just to make myself feel better. If you've never dated someone from another culture, you probably don't know how hard communication issues really are, so please don't judge me on that.

    I'm not trying to change for him. I made that very clear. I'm changing for myself as well as for the person I will be with in the future, be in ex-fi or someone else.

    As for the other guy I dated....yes, I met a guy at a party at a friend's house. We went out a few times and that was it. End of story. I still very much want to be with my ex so it just didn't work out. The way I see it, I was trying to move on...not jump into a relationship. Sorry if some of you assumed that.

    I don't really have a timeline for our relationship to get started again. I just thought that since he was moving back to the area (after living 2.5 hours away the whole time we were together) that it would be an appropriate time to try things again.

    I didn't write this to be flamed. I wrote it because I wanted honest feedback. Just think of what it would be like to be in my position.

    Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer!

  • This sounds very similar to a situation I was in a few years ago. Your guy sounds like a guy I used to date. He would made it seem like everything was my fault all of the time! At that time in my life, I had no confidence and very low self-esteem and so I was desperate Embarrassed and it showed. I believed that everything was my fault and that I had all of the issues. And I'll admit I had my fair share.

    I went to therapy, really got into to working on myself because I thought he would want me if I "fixed" myself. We broke up twice and each time it was if I got myself together, we would get back together. In between our breakups, he dated two other girls but would always come crawling back to me. It was like he was just popping in to see if I'd changed.

    Then, when the cycle repeated (for the last time) I finally caught on. He dated girls who had issues and then would break up with them when it got to be too much for him. His intentions were selfish ones and I only learned this long after kicking him to the curb. He dated women with "issues" so that he'd never have to face his own. He turned out to be a real first class jerk!

    I started going to therapy to fix me for me and not to win the "love" of some guy. If it is meant to be, it will be. My sister is engaged to my ex's best friend and she saw him recently. She said he is still the same and nothing has changed. Don't be surprised if when you hook up with your guy again, if nothing has changed on his part. Don't be surprised if finds yet another reason, another issue that you need to "fix" before he'll commit to you.

    I apologize for my lengthy response but I thought it was important to post this.

  • image ahampton:

    ok...

    First of all, I didn't represent myself very well and I apologize.

    Secondly, I don't completely blame myself for the breakup: there were things he did too. Nothing major, but even little things can turn into big things over time. I'm not someone who's with a man just to make myself feel better. If you've never dated someone from another culture, you probably don't know how hard communication issues really are, so please don't judge me on that.

    I'm not trying to change for him. I made that very clear. I'm changing for myself as well as for the person I will be with in the future, be in ex-fi or someone else.

    As for the other guy I dated....yes, I met a guy at a party at a friend's house. We went out a few times and that was it. End of story. I still very much want to be with my ex so it just didn't work out. The way I see it, I was trying to move on...not jump into a relationship. Sorry if some of you assumed that.

    I don't really have a timeline for our relationship to get started again. I just thought that since he was moving back to the area (after living 2.5 hours away the whole time we were together) that it would be an appropriate time to try things again.

    I didn't write this to be flamed. I wrote it because I wanted honest feedback. Just think of what it would be like to be in my position.

    Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer!

    Contrary to popular belief, the way to "move on" is not to dive into another man's open arms. Perhaps it would help to take a break from relationships, spend a little time reflecting on your relationship with the previous man, figure out where things may have gone wrong and come to terms with it, make peace with it. From there, you start working on yourself and allow yourself to heal. I think one of the coolest things about a relationships is how much we learn about ourselves and how we can grow and become better. Just my thoughts...

  • Let me get this straight..........your entire relationship, you lived 2.5 hours apart.  You got engaged.  There were problems in your relationship - mainly communication problems - that caused you to not only call of the wedding, but the entire relationship.

    So now, for the first time ever, you will live in the same town as your ex.  And you want to know how to convince him that you two are made for each other?

    Confused

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  • But the most important part of taking a break from relationships is finding out who you are, all alone, all by yourself, without a man there to define you. And when you've broken off an engagement, two weeks alone isn't a "break." Hell, two months alone isn't a "break." It really sounds like you need to spend at least a year by yourself, learning to function on your own, learning to depend only on yourself. You will never have a healthy relationship with somebody else as long as you feel you need them to survive.

    And don't try to fool yourself -- you're here asking us basically how to trick your ex into thinking all of the problems you two had are solved and how to trick him into thinking you aren't at all desperate to get back together with him even though you admit you are. That isn't healthy by any stretch of the imagination.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • As a pp said, HE has to want this as well.  You can't convince him otherwise.

    Also, if "communication" was a problem, has he done anything to improve his communication style?  If he hasn't, your rekindled relationship won't be a bit different than you broken relationship.  Don't make the same mistake twice.

    image
  • You are desperate, and you have to do shake yourself out of the mind set you are in.

    There's nothing wrong with telling him exactly what you wrote to us, you want things to work out between the two of you, but you have to be happy whether things do or whether they don't work out with him. If that means that you limit contact with him while he's here so that you maintain your other friendships and interests, so be it.

    Just as much as you are thinking about the two of you together, you should be imagining your life in August if things don't work out and he goes away again. What do you need to do that will help you be cheerful then?

  • You don't sound like someone who has met "the one."  You sound like someone who met someone you care about and desperately want to be "the one" and he is not.  How do I know?  B/c I was always forcing relationships before I met my FI.

    If he were "the one," you would not be concerned with coming off as desperate.  You would know how to talk to him, or even if you didn't, you wouldn't care b/c the comfort level would be so high that things like this wouldn't enter your mind.  You could not "scare him off," unless you were thinking sacrifice of small animals or vigils outside his home.

    If he were "the one," he would be wanting to talk to you and see you, too.  "The one" does not leave you wondering how he feels.

    If, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is "the one," he will talk to you when he returns to your town.  No scheming or wondering necessary.  At most, contact him how ever you have been contacting him, and say you would like to meet up.  Really, that is more than you need to do--but I wouldn't do any more.

    You have not been working on your issues in these 4 months--you were fixating and rationalizing a way to get you back together b/c you miss him so much.  All the stuff that seemed so awful before you broke up doesn't sound so bad after several months alone.

    I'm not criticizing you, b/c I have been there.  You were smart enough to call off the wedding.  Now get into therapy.  See this guy if you must, but if he is "the one" he will let you know he feels the same.  If you want to tell him how you feel, tell him.  But consider it closure if everything doesn't fall into place.

  • I was a bit surprised that you were willing to take all the blame for the relationship ending and then, even when you commented that he was responsible too, you completely blew it off with saying it was "little things", implying that you did all the big things to make your relationship not work. It takes two people to create a relationship and it takes two to make it work. You didn't do all the damage and I think the first step in being in any relationship, especially one that involves your ex-FI, is to work on you...Work on your confidence, work on being happy with just yourself and noone else, get content with being in your own company, and then start to open yourself up to a relationship with another person, whether it be the ex-FI or someone new...

    I'd also be interested in knowing what your ex-FI has been doing the last four months...Has he been holding a torch for you, improving himself just like you have been so that he could be a better partner for you? If the answer is no, there's your answer...He's checked out and it's time for you to ring-up the bellboy to take your baggage too! GL!

  • I didn't read the replies but I'll just toss in my 2 pennies.

    What stood out to me was when you said you tried seeing other people as if it were the solution you were seeking to try to get over him. And when you realized you couldn't, you want to make good and get ex-fi back. The blame is not on you, whether you caused little or big problems. It's take 2 to tango. You have to both be willing to work things out. If you 2 are meant to be, then he'll find his way back to you. Unless you made it clear to him last time that you want nothing to do with him at all anymore.

  • I'm not taking the sole blame for our relationship...I'm telling you what I know I did wrong. I would like to think that we all have the ability to reflect on things we have done in our lives to see where we could improve them. He NEVER told me what I needed to fix. He NEVER asked me to change how I was. He wanted BOTH of us to change in order to make things better. Please don't read between the lines to make it sound like he forced me into something.

    Ex-fi has been working on things he felt like he needed to improve in his life as well. We both would like to get back together, but we both realize that it will not happen unless we are better able to communicate. We don't have some kind of deadline for getting together, and we're not waiting around for the other to just magically decide that things are better. That's the reason why I wanted advice about how to show him that I'm serious about the commitment I made to work on things.

     

     

  • Honestly, after reading all of your posts, I would still walk away from this.  Move on with your life.  pick up some new hobbies.  Join a book club.  Anything.  Go really be on your own for awhile.  Revisit the issue in about a year.  I bet your perspective will have changed substantially...
    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • If you want him back, then you're right - him moving to your town is the perfect time to get him back.  Here's the foolproof way to do it: be someone any guy would want.  That involves not chasing him at all, but rather being too busy to do so, because your life is so filled with friends, interests, career, and perhaps even volunteer work.  Be an independent, confident, quality woman, and you'll attract quality men without trying.
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    If you want him back, then you're right - him moving to your town is the perfect time to get him back.  Here's the foolproof way to do it: be someone any guy would want.  That involves not chasing him at all, but rather being too busy to do so, because your life is so filled with friends, interests, career, and perhaps even volunteer work.  Be an independent, confident, quality woman, and you'll attract quality men without trying.

    Thank you for just giving me advice without trying to criticize what you ASSUME the problem is.

  • You've been given some awesome advice.  Follow it.

    If your heart is set on getting back together, I will warn you from experience: rebuilding after a broken engagement is hard as hell.  My break was caused by us both being idiots and lasted all of a week.  However, it hurt like all hell, and took me a while to finally get over it. It's difficult with good communication.  Just be prepared for that. I'm not saying that it's not possible; DH and I are happily married, and I've seen other couples who have come back from a situation similar to yours to marry about a year later.  Just be prepared to have to work through some hurt on top of the original issues.

     Good luck.

  • ahampton, kuus gave you the same darn advice every other poster here did, did she just wrap it up in a nicer box?  I know you are hearing a lot of strong words here, and they are tough to take.  But in the end, 98% of the posts here are all telling you the same thing:  Work on your own interests, goals, dreams, hobbies, pursuits and friends, totally independent of this guy, and see where the world takes you. 

    I stand by my hunch that if you took a year and did those things, this guy would all of a sudden not look so hot...

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
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