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I need advice.... its long but please read!

Hi...  I've been on the site for a few years, havent posted much since the wedding but if I dont get this out I might explode. 

 We've been married since 07.28.07.  My husband came here 7 years ago from Europe.. growing up in different countries we of course have different views on a lot of things.  However we ge along wonderfully, we love eachother a ridiculous amount and we're happy. 

In late April of 08 my mother (who had been living in Ohio for the past 8 years since my parents divorce) decided to move closer to us.  She has family in Philly, so she planned to stay with us for about a month or so, until she could get situated in Philly with a job and apt.  She was a stay at home mom all our lives so her only trade was waitressing, which is what she had been doing in Ohio.. getting promoted to the manger.  So we figured it wouldnt be too hard for her to find a job in Philly. I didn't mind having her stay with us for a month because for the past 8 years, she was 10 hours away and we only saw her a few times a year.  I'm 30 now, so basically from 20 I was on my own supporting myself.  Ok so here she comes in late April to stay a month or 2  with my husband an I in our 2bdrm condo. 

First week of June, at 6am we wake up to a big bang, to find my mom slumped on the bathroon floor unconscious.  She had passed out (never found out why) and fractured a verterbrae in her lower back.  She spent 2 weeks in the hospital, another month in bed and since then has been wearing a brace on her back.  5 months since the fall she is doing much better, she can get around on her own but still has pain, which the doctirs say will probably last her whole life. 

 So--- there goes the idea of getting another waitressing job.  She didn't have any medical insurance at the time of the fall (she never did actually) so she filed for Medicaid which turned out to be a great thing.  She went to every doctor imaginable and everything was covered, thank god. BUT--- she is still living with us.  Now at this point she is physically able to get a job, although it wont be waitressing and she has filed for disability and temporary assistance. 

Its been almost 8 months and finally I sat down with her and my brother and tried to make a plan.  Its become a HUMUNGOUS strain on my marriage.  My husband has been a SAINT throughout this whole thing but he has begun to lose patience.  The problem is that my mom is not really motivated to go out and find a job or figure out what she wants to do with her life. She doesnt really help us, I mean at least you would think that while she was home all day she would be making dinner but most of the time when I get home she'll be like, what do you wanna do for dinner?  Or she will go over to my brother's apt (he's a bachelor and super-super messy and unorganized) and she will clean his apartment, and help him take care of his stuff.  But here, its like she's more trouble than a help.  When she's here she watches TV all day, so when I come home she can tell me all about who was on The View or what she saw on the news. 

During the election she was completely OBSESSED with watching CNN and FIXATED on hoping and praying that Barack Obama would win.  (thank god he did because if he hadnt I think she wouldve gone over the edge)  But every night it would be all about all the dumb things Sarah Palin said and can you beleive that she did this and John McCain said that and Barack Obama is gonna do a rally her and there and bla bla bla.  We had an election party which was great but I mean I felt like ok meanwhile we can still try to figure out whats going on with your life here Mom, I mean I need my life back as well.  

I feel like the parent and its not fair to me.  Especally since I had to go through almost everything on my own the past 10 years.  The thing that hurts the most is that she was totally MIA during wedding planning time.  She couldnt be bothered and didnt help me whatsoever.  And now I'm supposed to just put my life on hold until she gets around to figuring out what shes gonna do.  My husband and I in the beginning would still have sex quietly and stuff but its gotten to the point that we dont even WANT to.  The situation has gotten to stressful that we dont even have the desire.  I mean we dont want to be on a schedule where its like "ok Mom went to my brothers-- hurry up, get in the mood and lets have sex".  Or ok my mom is going to my aunts in Philly this weekend so we h ave to make the most of it and have a fun-sex-packed weekend!!  I mean what if we arent in the modd for that? 

 Ok wrapping it up--- at this point Ive told her in a nice way that I really think she needs to get her own place.  A month ago.  Now every time I bring it up-- she starts crying.  She tells me that she thinks maybe she wants to re-think the Philly idea and possibly stay here in NYC.  Now we are talking about the most expensive city instead of Philly.  I found a basement apartment in gross condition but a decent size in our neighborhood which is a good one--- for $900.  In Philly she would find a regular 1 bdrm renovated in a good area for $575.  Nevermind the cost of living.  But the thing shes saying now is that she wants to be close for when we have a baby.  Mind you-- not even prego yet. 

Now as far as paying the rent-- my b rother and I have said that we would help her out.  She is waiting for temporary assistance to make a decision about how much she will get.  In addition to food stamps.  Then if my bro and I kick in a few hundred a month it should be fine.  (in Philly)  But here in NYC it would be a bit of a struggle. 

 But the problem is we are in limbo mode now.  Monday is December 1st.  My mom stayed in Philly to look at some apts there and I looked at the basement one here. 

My husband is LOSING IT.  He doesnt feel that we should be responsible for paying extra just becuase she wants to stay in NY.  If its so that she can help us out when we have a baby-- then how will she hold down a job at the same time?  So when we have a baby then we have to pay her rent so she can do day care?

 OK Ive gotten SOOO far into the story now.  I just dont know what else to do.  Any advice?  I'm sure I left stuff out but my head is spinning.  TIA

Re: I need advice.... its long but please read!

  • Bottom line it's time for your brother to start pulling his weight in the dynamic.  You've let your mother live with you for six months.  It's time for her to either stay with your brother or get her own apartment.  If she's truly capable of living on her own and holding down a job you are under no obligation to continue this (it would be different if she were disabled, but she's not).

    Which is more important to you - your mother's desire to stay close for an as-yet-nonexistent baby, or your marriage?
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • I agree with the other response. If your mother is not willing to get a job and move out like she initially told you she would do, then your brother needs to take over. She can stay with him since he's single. You've done all you can. It sounds like she enjoys being a burden in your marriage especially when she did nothing to help you get married. I wouldn't doubt that she is trying to test how strong your marriage is. But I could be wrong.

    AG
  • I don't know that your mom is necessarily being a burden on your marriage intentionally - I wouldn't get paranoid about that.  It sounds like she's just comfy where she's at and doesn't realize how selfish she's being.  Talk to your brother and make it clear that you need some help.  Good luck!  :)
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • If your mother is able bodied enough to work then she can certainly get her own place and be self sustaining.

    And if she cannot afford something like a small studio apartment, let her find subsidized housing or low income housing. Pretty much every town has that type of accomodation for those that are on a certain fixed income.

    Your mother should politely and firmly be given a deadline to find her own place -- and she need not waitress. She can find a desk job, a job as a receptionist and pretty much anything that does not require her to lift heavy objects over a certain weight.

  • Hi,

    I am SOOOO sorry you have to deal with a situation like this.  I know it's your mom, but this sounds like a nightmare.  I think your mom has really put you in an awkward position and it's completely unfair of her to expect you OR your brother to bail her out.  She is an adult, she needs to grow up and get a job.  I think it was great of you to let her stay with you while she was sick and just moving there, but she's ok now and she needs to get on her own feet.

    I know it has to be extremely difficult, but keep in mind, it not your responsibility to bail your parent out.  It sounds like she's being extremely selfish.  She didn't help you during your wedding.. I'm sure because she was being selfish, and now she expects to just stay with you and your new husband.

    It's also extremely unfair for your husband.  I'm sure that you and him will be completely fine, as soon as she moves out.  I think he definitely is a saint to put up with this and it sounds like you found a great guy.  But, anyone would get frustrated with this situation, so I don't blame him for losing patience.

     I do have to say, it's hilarious about the Obama thing haha. Is she depressed?  I wonder if she could get some counseling, because it just sounds like signs of depression to me.  She doesn't want to get out of the house and work and just wanting to watch tv all day. Sounds like a slump. 

    I'd also tell her to be realistic about housing.  If she wants to move to NYC when you have a baby... then DO IT THEN.  Not now when her two children are going to have to give her their hard earned money to make it work.  BS.  She needs to live somewhere that is within her means.  I agree with your husband.  I'd be upset if my husband was giving hundreds of dollars to our in-laws every month, when she could live in Philly for cheaper.  That is not your responsibility.  Of course you want to help her, but if she could live in a less expensive place, maybe she'd get back on her feet quicker.

    Uhhh, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but truthfully, it will never end unless you make it end.  So, you're going to have to be really firm, but still loving with her.  She might cry, but too bad.  She's playing a game.  Maybe get her some counseling to help her deal with all of the above and find her a place. 

    Hang in there.  You'll make it through and you'll look back someday and laugh at all of this.

  • I am also very sorry for you.  I think you know that you have to get a bit tough .. and that sucks so bad since you have been such an angel for so many months ... but put that hallow down for a while and get some 'tough love' going on with your mom.  That First Step is a big one but she has GOT to take it.  And don't let her get 'all stupid' on you with the NYC plan.   Yeah, I'd like to live at Disney, but it ain't going to happen either.  TELL HER to get real and to get a real plan going.  She may be putting these unrealistic plans in motion to just delay having to follow-through on anything.  Call her on it.  She needs a plan.  A real plan.  And commentary on The View and Politics isn't going to cut it. 
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • like pp said it is time for your brother to take over until she finds a more?permanent?solution. ?you have done your part and since it is affecting your marriage, he needs to step up. ?also, instead of living alone, maybe she should consider finding a roommate to help with the cost of living.

    also, just as a side note, if you want to have a baby you're gonna have to get used to scheduling sex.?

    good luck. ?hope everything works out.?

  • I am so sorry for this whole situation, but yes, it's definitely time for tough love. ?If you bring it up and she cries, hold firm, "Mom, you know DH and I love you, but you do need to get back on your own feet. ?By January 15, you do need to be settled in your own place, or if you aren't able to find a place by then, (brother) has said he will host you." ?If she says she just doesn't know, she thinks she wants to be in NYC for when you have a baby, "Mom, we need to stay focused on the facts as they are now, not how things might be later on. ?Brother and I can both contribute $X. ?If that amount plus what you make is enough to live in NYC, that's great- but if not, I'm sorry, we just can't kick in more than what we've already offered. ?Let's worry about being close to the baby when there's a baby to be close to- for now, let's worry about getting you back on your feet in a place you can afford."

    And in the remaining weeks until her deadline for move out, I think you and your husband should set some clear ground rules as well- for example, that she needs to cook dinner x times a week, or that certain chores are hers to do. ?If you expect her to pitch in since she's home all day and you're at work, be clear what exactly you expect her to do and how often. ?

    I do think that it's very important to really take action, take it fast, and take it firmly before things get ugly- you don't want to wait until tempers flare or someone has enough, because the kind of conflicts that come in those situations are ones that take much longer to repair. ?Good luck, and keep us updated!

  • I think she may have changed her plans out of fear.  She really hurt herself and thank God she was at your house and not alone in her own place where she may have hurt herself worse my crawling to get to a phone for help.  And she needed so much help after she was hurt that she may feel like being away from people who can help her when she needs it is a bad idea.  Without you there she could have felt very alone and scared and she may not want to go out there into a place so far away from you and the comfort of knowing she can count on someone.  I think thats why so many people stay in their home town, is to have people to count on.  Someone to pick you up when your car brakes down, Stay with your kids when your dh is in the hospital, and help you out when you are injured.  I know this doesn't help but I thought I would put it out there.
  • Well, I guess if she's all excited about you guys having a baby, maybe you could tell her that with her there you don't feel comfortable to have alot of baby-making sex. I don't know if you're comfortable enough to tell her that, but it's a thought!

    Ok, that first part was kinda serious, but mostly just meant to make you smile. Realistically, I would talk to your brother, and see if he is willing to take some lead here with her. If he wouldn't mind her living with him for a while, he could ask her 'as a favor to him' (so she's not feeling hurt or 'kicked out' by you) if she would move in with him in a newer/bigger/safer apartment than what he's in now.

    If she just won't go, try having a 'household meeting' to talk about situation, split up chores and cooking into a schedule, so she could at least help out in your house.

    GL! 

    10-18-08: Our Wedding Date
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  • OMG.  First of all I am SO overwhelmed at the responses!  Thank you sooo much ladies your words were so helpful and really genuine!  I have been bottling this up for the past 8 years-- venting only to my husband, which lead to fighting and me back to bottling.  Then I come here and strangers are all so amazing and supportive!!  I really thank each and every one of you.

     Whats even more BIZARRE is that 48 hours after I posted this, we got a call from a greast friend of mine telling me that her mom's best friend had an apt she wanted to rent out but was ONLY considering people she knew or friends of freinds (which explains why it was still available)  Its in NYC, about 15 minutes away from us in Queens.  Its BRAND NEW, fully furnished, includes all utilities and the rent is about 400 bux LESS than what the going rate is for a 1bdrm.  Long story short----

     

    SHE MOVES IN THIS WEEKEND!!!

     

    This is so unreal!! I mean I have been through the most stressful 8 months and just when I think I couldnt take it anymore, I came here and posted and also decided to start praying.  (I totally understand some people don't like to talk about or agree on religious views but this is amazing)  about 5 days after I really put positive energy and thoughts to praying... this is the outcome.  I am so thankful.  My mom is gonna be happy too, the landlady is her age and at least she might be able to make a friend in her! 

     

    Again thank you so much to everyone for your kind words.  I'm gonna read & post more often!!!   xoxoxo

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