Hi... I've been on the site for a few years, havent posted much since the wedding but if I dont get this out I might explode.
We've been married since 07.28.07. My husband came here 7 years ago from Europe.. growing up in different countries we of course have different views on a lot of things. However we ge along wonderfully, we love eachother a ridiculous amount and we're happy.
In late April of 08 my mother (who had been living in Ohio for the past 8 years since my parents divorce) decided to move closer to us. She has family in Philly, so she planned to stay with us for about a month or so, until she could get situated in Philly with a job and apt. She was a stay at home mom all our lives so her only trade was waitressing, which is what she had been doing in Ohio.. getting promoted to the manger. So we figured it wouldnt be too hard for her to find a job in Philly. I didn't mind having her stay with us for a month because for the past 8 years, she was 10 hours away and we only saw her a few times a year. I'm 30 now, so basically from 20 I was on my own supporting myself. Ok so here she comes in late April to stay a month or 2 with my husband an I in our 2bdrm condo.
First week of June, at 6am we wake up to a big bang, to find my mom slumped on the bathroon floor unconscious. She had passed out (never found out why) and fractured a verterbrae in her lower back. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital, another month in bed and since then has been wearing a brace on her back. 5 months since the fall she is doing much better, she can get around on her own but still has pain, which the doctirs say will probably last her whole life.
So--- there goes the idea of getting another waitressing job. She didn't have any medical insurance at the time of the fall (she never did actually) so she filed for Medicaid which turned out to be a great thing. She went to every doctor imaginable and everything was covered, thank god. BUT--- she is still living with us. Now at this point she is physically able to get a job, although it wont be waitressing and she has filed for disability and temporary assistance.
Its been almost 8 months and finally I sat down with her and my brother and tried to make a plan. Its become a HUMUNGOUS strain on my marriage. My husband has been a SAINT throughout this whole thing but he has begun to lose patience. The problem is that my mom is not really motivated to go out and find a job or figure out what she wants to do with her life. She doesnt really help us, I mean at least you would think that while she was home all day she would be making dinner but most of the time when I get home she'll be like, what do you wanna do for dinner? Or she will go over to my brother's apt (he's a bachelor and super-super messy and unorganized) and she will clean his apartment, and help him take care of his stuff. But here, its like she's more trouble than a help. When she's here she watches TV all day, so when I come home she can tell me all about who was on The View or what she saw on the news.
During the election she was completely OBSESSED with watching CNN and FIXATED on hoping and praying that Barack Obama would win. (thank god he did because if he hadnt I think she wouldve gone over the edge) But every night it would be all about all the dumb things Sarah Palin said and can you beleive that she did this and John McCain said that and Barack Obama is gonna do a rally her and there and bla bla bla. We had an election party which was great but I mean I felt like ok meanwhile we can still try to figure out whats going on with your life here Mom, I mean I need my life back as well.
I feel like the parent and its not fair to me. Especally since I had to go through almost everything on my own the past 10 years. The thing that hurts the most is that she was totally MIA during wedding planning time. She couldnt be bothered and didnt help me whatsoever. And now I'm supposed to just put my life on hold until she gets around to figuring out what shes gonna do. My husband and I in the beginning would still have sex quietly and stuff but its gotten to the point that we dont even WANT to. The situation has gotten to stressful that we dont even have the desire. I mean we dont want to be on a schedule where its like "ok Mom went to my brothers-- hurry up, get in the mood and lets have sex". Or ok my mom is going to my aunts in Philly this weekend so we h ave to make the most of it and have a fun-sex-packed weekend!! I mean what if we arent in the modd for that?
Ok wrapping it up--- at this point Ive told her in a nice way that I really think she needs to get her own place. A month ago. Now every time I bring it up-- she starts crying. She tells me that she thinks maybe she wants to re-think the Philly idea and possibly stay here in NYC. Now we are talking about the most expensive city instead of Philly. I found a basement apartment in gross condition but a decent size in our neighborhood which is a good one--- for $900. In Philly she would find a regular 1 bdrm renovated in a good area for $575. Nevermind the cost of living. But the thing shes saying now is that she wants to be close for when we have a baby. Mind you-- not even prego yet.
Now as far as paying the rent-- my b rother and I have said that we would help her out. She is waiting for temporary assistance to make a decision about how much she will get. In addition to food stamps. Then if my bro and I kick in a few hundred a month it should be fine. (in Philly) But here in NYC it would be a bit of a struggle.
But the problem is we are in limbo mode now. Monday is December 1st. My mom stayed in Philly to look at some apts there and I looked at the basement one here.
My husband is LOSING IT. He doesnt feel that we should be responsible for paying extra just becuase she wants to stay in NY. If its so that she can help us out when we have a baby-- then how will she hold down a job at the same time? So when we have a baby then we have to pay her rent so she can do day care?
OK Ive gotten SOOO far into the story now. I just dont know what else to do. Any advice? I'm sure I left stuff out but my head is spinning. TIA