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big screw up? (its long)

I?m writing this post to try and get some insight on what I am doing wrong. My MIL dislikes me. She has disliked me from the moment I met her, before I even opened my mouth she was very stand offish with me. The first time I met her I was engaged to my husband. We went to his home town across country and at first I was a bit anxious about going. It was going to be the first time she ever met her grandson and I didn't want to step on any toes or take away from the moment so at first I didn't want to go. After my husband and his mother insisted on it I finally said ok. Those two weeks were nothing like how I had hoped they would go. She barely spoke to me, acted like I didn't exist when new people came around. Never asked to see my engagement ring or asked anything about how the wedding plans were going. Nothing. When our wedding rolled around DH family flew in from out of state to come to our wedding. When they got out of the car my mother and family went up to his mother to greet her and give her  a hug. Immediately she stuck her hand in their face and said "Not right now I have a headache". After that, my family was not impressed with her. His mother stayed in her hotel room the whole time while the rest of us had a little party/get together the night before the wedding. His mother never interacted with my family through the few days leading to the wedding. On the day of the wedding a big fight happened between my mother and his mother. To this day I don't know exactly what happened since I wasn't there for most of it but the story goes that my mother had asked DH mother if she mind going to the beach 30 mins before the ceremony to be sure that the people who were bringing the alter placed it on the right markers. DH father agreed to do this even though my uncle had offered to do it instead. Apparently DH mother was extremely unhappy with doing this and threw a huge fit in DH hotel room while he was getting ready for the wedding. DH says that he told his mother off stating that she had not done ONE thing for his wedding and the least she could do was this. His mother got angry that DH stuck up for himself and because of this she was foul the rest of the wedding. She kept her sunglasses on in all of our professional wedding pictures! The next day we decided to do brunch since Dh parents would be leaving that afternoon. At the brunch we were going to announce that we just found out we were pregnant. That of course didn?t happen as Dh mother couldn?t wait to leave and insisted DH take her to the airport early.

 A few weeks after the wedding Dh gets a FB email from his cousin saying that the stress from our wedding caused his mom to have a heart attack. DH couldn?t get in contact with his parents for 3 months because they ignored his calls. Finally dh talked to her (I dont know what was said because I was at work at the time) and tried to get his mother and my mother to talk it out. That never happened. Finally DH was able to tell his parents that we were expecting and they seemed anything but excited. It was just like an "Oh ok" moment. During my pregnancy his family never called to see how the pregnancy was going. They never sent any shower gifts or showed any interest at all in the pregnancy. When I was 32 weeks pregnant I stayed in the hospital for 3 days due to possible early delivery. My Dh called his parents on the phone for something that I can?t remember at the moment. When dh mother got on the phone with me instead of asking how I was doing or how things with the babies were she asked me about DH son. Seeing as I don't really talk to Dh son as his mother would not allow us to I really didn?t have an answer to give her. That was the end of that conversation.  After the babies were born they continued to not show much interest in their grandchildren. 

 I picked up on a few things here and there about DH mother talking to Dh ex- wife?s mother a lot on the phone. Some things were said and it started to make me wonder if my MIL was mad that I married DH instead of him getting back with his exwife. Dh says that his mother didn?t like his ex-wife at all and was happy that they divorced. Yet that wasn?t the way things seemed to be at that point in time. I didn?t say my suspicions to anyone I just kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. As time went on the grandparents involvement with the babies continued to not exist. For Christmas we received a box from them with some socks from the dollar store for the babies. Yet,  Dh son received a box full of clothes, toys and books. DH family never calls the babies on their birthday or sends cards. We have asked several times for them to come down and visit and every time they give an excuse that I didn?t tell them exact times to come down.  I have told Dh several times that I don?t care when they come down and yet I continue to be blamed for them never coming down. Finally we decided to go to visit them instead. When we got there, yet again the visit did not go as I had hoped. His mother criticized every little thing I did regarding the kids, even down to how I styled my daughters hair. It annoyed me but I just let it roll off my shoulders because I didn?t want her to dislike me more for saying something to her. My husband could tell that I was getting annoyed and confronted his mother about how she acts towards me. From what my husband said his mother feels like she should be able to talk to me however she wants since shes my MIL. DH said he tried to explain to her that I don?t know her like that yet and it comes off rude and abrasive. She didn?t want to hear any of that and got upset. 

I feel terrible for the way they treat DH. For Dh birthday his parents had their granddaughter send him a text that said Happy birthday instead of calling him. They act like we don?t exist.  A few weeks ago we asked them if they could come down and help us with the babies because I had major surgery and we have no family or friends here to help out since we just moved to another state due to military. They said no because they don?t want to have to tip toe around me. What did I do wrong now!? For goodness sakes I?m always getting the blame for everything. Nothing I do is ever good enough for these people. All I wanted was a mother in law that I could be close to like a second mother. I guess I?ll never get that.

Re: big screw up? (its long)

  • If your MIL is as abusive as you have just explained, why do you bother?  The woman obviously wants nothing to do with you or her son for some reason.  Cut ties and move on.  
  • image iluvmytxrgr:
    If your MIL is as abusive as you have just explained, why do you bother?  The woman obviously wants nothing to do with you or her son for some reason.  Cut ties and move on.  


    Ditto this. stop trying. Stop calling. Stop inviting them down. And definitely lower your expectations. They are not going to help you with any problems that might happen (like surgery) so don't even ask. If you do decide to stay in contact with them, the one thing I would absolutely address is the difference in how they treat the grandchildren. I would make it clear that if they do not treat your children the same way they do the other child then they will have absolutely no contact with them.  

  • My ILs don't care for me either. They don't like that I'm not from their home state, they don't like my politics, etc. They get really dramatic with H about me. It really is easier if you just let the distance happen.

    I am a little confused by the timeline. How old is your SS? How long after your H got divorced were you engaged? Your MIL met your SS for the first time when you were already engaged? Could that be any part of the issue (she felt like your DH was moving too quickly)? 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
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