Oh my. Totally awkward situation and I don't know what to do! Please help!
A little background:
My birthday is on the Fourth of July. Love it. My parents host a big family BBQ to celebrate the national holiday as well as several other family members' birthdays on the same day. I love that I get to have a party without all the attention directly focus on my birthday. Just an awesome time with some of my favorite people
My husbands parents are a little odd. My FIL is sweet and goofy but easily gets along with everyone. My MIL is socially awkward and makes a lot of people uncomfortable, including myself. MIL doesn't "get" social cues, shares too much personal information about herself and others, and does not understand personal space. She takes things super personally and throws pouting fits when she doesn't get her way. Also passive aggressive. Nothing too different from a lot of MILs I guess. I am lucky though, because she does like me a lot and can be very sweet at times.
My not-so-kindhearted mother informed me yesterday that she does not want my in-laws to show up to her house for the Fourth of July party this summer. It's always been an open invitation gathering for friends and family and neighbors. The in-laws have come for the last two years and been present at several other family parties as well. While I totally understand my mom not wanting them to come to the 4th, I can't very well un-invite them to the party. This puts me in a super awkward situation.
I told my mom, I'm not too hot on them coming to the party either, but I can't just tell them they are not invited. MIL will freak out and think I hate her. My mom didn't have an reply beyond, "just don't bring it up."
I might have settled for this approach with someone other than my less-than-socially-savvy MIL. But she won't "get" that silence on the event means she's not invited. Every holiday she just assumes she is going to be with us no matter what and she does not wait to hear an invitation, and just announces "What am I bringing?" It doesn't help that she never sends out invitations or expects RSVPs when she throws her own parties, she just assumes people will show up (but is hurt when they don't). She also just flat out tells us we are coming to events and never asks if we are available. We get mega guilt trips when we need to decline. I find this very strange behavior.
So far, I can see two solutions:
I just straight up tell MIL, "We're having a smaller party this year at my parents so let's do something of our own around fireworks time so we can celebrate together." - works, but not ideal, b/c MIL will make passive aggressive comments about my family, but then again, that's what she does already
Leave town for my birthday, though this is a little difficult as everything is expensive over the holiday and DH is worried about spending so much $. It will also piss off my mom and his mom at the same time. Plus I will miss my other family members' birthdays too.
DH thinks I need to tell my mom that if she wants to un-invite his parents, she should do it herself, but I know my mom will just throw it back on me and say "well, you're married now, this is what you have to deal with." Even if I tell her she has to tell them herself, she will conveniently forget.
Telling my mom that I am inviting the in-laws anyway - my mom will give them the cold shoulder (and probably me too - she did this when we were getting married, even on the day of the wedding when she didn't get her way about things).
This sounds like high school. The "Cool kids" not inviting the "Uncool kids" to parties and expecting the middle kid who's friends with both to just come anyway and ditch the uncool ones. In high school, I would have ditched the "cool" ones to hang out with the much nicer kids. But this is my family. I can't pick sides especially when it's really just my mom closing the door and not the rest of my family members.
I'd love to hear any advice or ideas yall have!