I feel empty, heart broken, devistated, confused. So many feelings. I feel regret and doubt sinking in. Did I love him enough? Did I kiss him enough? Did I tell him I love him enough? Did he really know how much we loved him? Napoleon was not just any dog. He was one of those good old boys everyone should have. That kind, gentle old loving soul. I knew someday he would pass away. But I did not want it to be today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. My head knows it the cycle of life. My heart does not.
He had congestive heart failure. Just diagnosed a few weeks ago. Yesterday was his first real bad day. This morning was back to normal with my old guy standing by the bed panting loudly to wake me up and let me know he was ready for the park. So off we went. Napoleon loves the park. He walks around and pees on everything. I do not know how his body held so much pee. Honestly, it was impressive. He played with his friend Maggie and then we came home.
At 2pm today it all changed. In 2 hours Napoleon had 3 massive seizures or strokes. My dog layed there screaming in pain. It was horrific and a sound I will never get out of my head. Our vet thinks with his heart issues, there was not enough blood getting to his brain. I had Hugh rush home and meet me at the vet.
There was no way I was letting my beloved dog die a frightened painful horrible death. Those seizures or strokes were going to continue. The 3 he had today got worse with each one. And with each one my heart broke more and more. I knew what had to be done.
But I did not want to do it. I wanted him better. I wanted to take him home. I wanted him young again. I wanted his body healthy. I knew that was not possible.
If you don't know my husband, well, we are oppsites in many ways. I base all my decisions on my emotions. This is not a good idea, but it is how I was made. It is how I work. My husband is the rock solid one. The one that uses logic, asks questions, gets all the info. To see my husband cry was not an easy sight. He is grieving. We loved Napoelon. We still and will always love Napoleon.
As I sit here I manage to stop crying for a minute only to burst into tears again. My husband is doing the same. We are heart broken over the loss.
The procedue itself was simple. I got to the vets before Hugh and they put a cathider in his leg. Then we waited. I fed him treats. A lot of treats. Napoleon loves treats. I made sure he had a tummy full. The first injection in his cathider relaxed him. I layed my head on his head, kept kissing him, kept saying I love you. I hope he heard me. Then I listed as he took his last breath.
Hearing my dog take his last breath and our vet listen to his heart and mouth the words "He is gone" was gut wrenching. Max was in the room with us and could not figure out what was happening. I did not want to leave Napoelon at the vet. I wanted to take him home. This is where he belongs. We chose a private cremation and will pick up his ashes. I am not sure what to do with them. I don't need to make any decisions on that now. But I know I want them home here with us.
Driving home felt empty. just Max and I. Napoelon was suppose to be in the back seat with him. We got home and Max ran through the house looking for him. I burst into tears once again. How will Max do without Napoelon? Max has never ever been home alone without him. Will Max's anxiety get worse? Will he keep searching for him? Will I?
I have a houseful of dog beds. 2 in the living room, 2 in the bedroom, and 2 more in other romms. Napoelon layed on them. As most of you know Max can rarely make it on them. He sleeps in our bed. What to do with all the dog beds.. I just want to lay on Napoleons bed. The one by my side of the bed. The one that just not 24 hours ago he was laying on.
I am blessed. I was able to experience the unconditional love of Napoleon. But I was not done having him love me. I want him here. I want him alive. I want him with me. Everyone that met him loved him. And he loved them right back. I can't help but wonder how will my mornings be at the dog park without him? It was our thing. Every single morning. I have been out there in 20 degree weather bundled up so he could walk around and pee on everything. Rain, shine, snow, we were there. Every morning. I wanted him to have the best life possible. I hope he felt he had the good life.
I am blessed reading everyones support on our facebook pages and text messages. When my friend wrote she told her Moxie to welcome him with open arms, I lost it. You see Moxie was her heart dog also. And my friend who lost her heart dog Tillie. Teresa "the treat lady" She loves Napoleon like one of her own. When we were in Hawaii she would go and pick him up from daycare/boarding and she would take him to McDonalds and the park. Napoelon loved McDonalds cheeseburgers. I am blessed she loved him as much as we did. Teresa also lost 2 of her dogs in the past few years. One of them just a few months ago. I now know and understand the hurt. That hurt that nothing anyone says or does makes go away. Is it possible all our dogs are all running free together? I have to believe it is. I truly with ounce in my body hope he is running free with them. Run free my love.
ETA the picture