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I never wanted to have to write this.

I feel empty, heart broken, devistated, confused. So many feelings. I feel regret and doubt sinking in. Did I love him enough? Did I kiss him enough? Did I tell him I love him enough? Did he really know how much we loved him? Napoleon was not just any dog. He was one of those good old boys everyone should have. That kind, gentle old loving soul. I knew someday he would pass away. But I did not want it to be today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. My head knows it the cycle of life. My heart does not.

He had congestive heart failure. Just diagnosed a few weeks ago. Yesterday was his first real bad day. This morning was back to normal with my old guy standing by the bed panting loudly to wake me up and let me know he was ready for the park. So off we went. Napoleon loves the park. He walks around and pees on everything. I do not know how his body held so much pee. Honestly, it was impressive. He played with his friend Maggie and then we came home.

At 2pm today it all changed. In 2 hours Napoleon had 3 massive seizures or strokes. My dog layed there screaming in pain. It was horrific and a sound I will never get out of my head. Our vet thinks with his heart issues, there was not enough blood getting to his brain. I had Hugh rush home and meet me at the vet.

There was no way I was letting my beloved dog die a frightened painful horrible death. Those seizures or strokes were going to continue. The 3 he had today got worse with each one. And with each one my heart broke more and more. I knew what had to be done.

But I did not want to do it. I wanted him better. I wanted to take him home. I wanted him young again. I wanted his body healthy. I knew that was not possible.

If you don't know my husband, well, we are oppsites in many ways. I base all my decisions on my emotions. This is not a good idea, but it is how I was made. It is how I work. My husband is the rock solid one. The one that uses logic, asks questions, gets all the info. To see my husband cry was not an easy sight. He is grieving. We loved Napoelon. We still and will always love Napoleon.

As I sit here I manage to stop crying for a minute only to burst into tears again. My husband is doing the same. We are heart broken over the loss.

The procedue itself was simple. I got to the vets before Hugh and they put a cathider in his leg. Then we waited. I fed him treats. A lot of treats. Napoleon loves treats. I made sure he had a tummy full. The first injection in his cathider relaxed him. I layed my head on his head, kept kissing him, kept saying I love you. I hope he heard me. Then I listed as he took his last breath.

Hearing my dog take his last breath and our vet listen to his heart and mouth the words "He is gone" was gut wrenching. Max was in the room with us and could not figure out what was happening. I did not want to leave Napoelon at the vet. I wanted to take him home. This is where he belongs. We chose a private cremation and will pick up his ashes. I am not sure what to do with them. I don't need to make any decisions on that now. But I know I want them home here with us.

Driving home felt empty. just Max and I. Napoelon was suppose to be in the back seat with him. We got home and Max ran through the house looking for him. I burst into tears once again. How will Max do without Napoelon? Max has never ever been home alone without him. Will Max's anxiety get worse? Will he keep searching for him? Will I?

I have a houseful of dog beds. 2 in the living room, 2 in the bedroom, and 2 more in other romms. Napoelon layed on them. As most of you know Max can rarely make it on them. He sleeps in our bed. What to do with all the dog beds.. I just want to lay on Napoleons bed. The one by my side of the bed. The one that just not 24 hours ago he was laying on.

I am blessed. I was able to experience the unconditional love of Napoleon. But I was not done having him love me. I want him here. I want him alive. I want him with me. Everyone that met him loved him. And he loved them right back. I can't help but wonder how will my mornings be at the dog park without him? It was our thing. Every single morning. I have been out there in 20 degree weather bundled up so he could walk around and pee on everything. Rain, shine, snow, we were there. Every morning. I wanted him to have the best life possible. I hope he felt he had the good life.

I am blessed reading everyones support on our facebook pages and text messages. When my friend wrote she told her Moxie to welcome him with open arms, I lost it. You see Moxie was her heart dog also. And my friend  who lost her heart dog Tillie. Teresa "the treat lady" She loves Napoleon like one of her own. When we were in Hawaii she would go and pick him up from daycare/boarding and she would take him to McDonalds and the park. Napoelon loved McDonalds cheeseburgers. I am blessed she loved him as much as we did. Teresa also lost 2 of her dogs in the past few years. One of them just a few months ago. I now know and understand the hurt. That hurt that nothing anyone says or does makes go away. Is it possible all our dogs are all running free together? I have to believe it is. I truly with ounce in my body hope he is running free with them. Run free my love.

ETA the picture

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Re: I never wanted to have to write this.

  • I'm in tears reading this. I am so sorry for your loss.
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  • I am so sorry. Words cannot express how sorry. Your story brought tears to my eyes.
  • And yes - I do believe all our past pets are running free together - happy and carefree. I firmly believe "all dogs go to heaven" and you will be with your pup again and he will always be with you.
  • I wish there was anything I could say that would ease the pain, but I know there isn't. I am so, so sorry that this happened. 

    I remember when you first started posting here and had brought Napoleon home. I always looked forward to stories about him, and Max. They are two of my favorite Pestie dogs.

    I hope you can find some peace knowing that Napoleon loved you and I know, without a doubt, he knew how much you loved him.

     

  • I am so, so sorry for your loss. I haven't posted in forever, but I remember when you brought Napoleon into your life and how much you loved him from the beginning. He was such a special boy and you were lucky to have had each other.

    I hope you can find comfort in the joyful memories you have of him.

    Big hugs being sent your way. 

  • I am so sorry for your loss.
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  • I'm so sorry.  I'm crying reading this as I remember when you welcomed him into your home.  I'm sure he loved you and knew how much you loved him. 
    My sweet boy
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  • Reading your story made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I dread the day my H and I have to go through that with one of our own pets. It sucks. Hugs and prayers for you and your family right now!
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  • My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Just know it's ok to cry and cry til you can't see or breathe.
    Jennie, Mom to 1 toddler, 2 crazy dogs and a guinea pig!





  • Run free, Napoleon.  Hope you find lots of things to pee on!!   Big hugs to you and Max.  I hope he is doing OK without his big brother. :(
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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you guys and.sweet Napoleon.
  • I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
  • We never feel like we can love them enough or have them in our lives long enough. Truth is, we never stop loving them. I am certain that Tillie welcomed him with a banana Popsicle. If he hadn't tasted one before, he has now. They are having a hamburger and popscicle party as they shared their stories. I can only promise you that the pain does ease, but the hole is always there. ((hugs)))
  • Lurker here, but wanted you to know how very, very sorry I am for your loss.  I lost my Golden in January and she was my heart and soul so I know all too well the pain and loss you are feeling right now.  I too believe our beloved dogs go to heaven and we'll be with them once again.  Until then, keep your sweet Napolean in your heart and trust he knew how very loved he was.  Our passed doggies are all running around together having one heck of a time.....Hugs to you.

     

  • My heart is breaking for you and your husband. Your dog is not in pain anymore. You need to take it one day at a time. I'm sure he has met my dog, Dakota, running around like a bull - I was always afraid one day he'd run me over but always divereted at the last second - his own game of Chicken...and all of the other much loved dogs that have been lost.. The pain does end, slowly, but it will
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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I read this post last night, but was too upset to reply. Almost 2 months ago, I had to put down my 16 year old cat, and reading your heartbreaking post reduced me to a sobbing mess.

    I tell myself it was the right thing to do - and it was - and that she's no longer in any pain, and running around somewhere, fully sighted (she had lost an eye at age 7) chasing birds and chipmunks.  But it doesn't make this void in my life go away. Everytime I walk in the door, or sit on the couch, or climb into bed, I think of her and miss her so much. I still have the two boys to keep me company, but no one will ever replace Missy in my heart.

    It does get easier with time, but the pain never fully goes away.

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  • I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Your sweet Napoleon knew a lifetime of love in the far-too-short time you got to have him. You gave him a dog's dream life. Napoleon will forever be my favorite Snuggie model. I wish you, your DH, and Max peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.
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  • This is incredibly heartbreaking and it caused me to tear up. He was definitely loved, I don't think you need to doubt or second guess yourself on that one. I hope that you all can heal in time and honor his memory.
  • I am so so so sorry for your loss. We all know how much you loved Napoleon, and he knew it too. You gave him the absolute most amazing final years he could have ever asked for. Tons of hugs from me. 
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  • My heart goes out to you, so sorry.
  • I cannot tell you how sorry I am for you, your DH and Max. Napoleon was such an amazing boy and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him. You will be in my T&Ps. I hope that happy memories and love can help ease your pain during this difficult time.
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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I am in tears reading how beautifully you wrote about Napoleon. It is so clear from your posts that you did give him the best life possible and there is no doubt he knows how much you love him. I pray that you will find comfort in Max and always keep the memory of Napoleon alive.
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    ""No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."
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  • (((hugs)))
  • I'm so sorry. I know how much you hurt. Sending lots of hugs. Napoleon will ne waiting for you.
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  • I am so sorry for your loss. {hugs}
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  • I can't be more sorry for your loss. My tears for your dog are real. I believe all dogs go to heaven and are running around free together. Keeping your family and Max in my thoughts.
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  • I am so sorry. I am in tears. I can't believe Napoleon is gone. I am so  so sorry.
  • I am so, so sorry.  That wonderful pup was well loved and knew he he was one of the lucky ones knowing you as his owner.  Just remember your good times and find comfort in the knowledge he is running free looking down on you.

     

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  • I'm so so so so so so sorry.

     

    It was the best day of his life when you took him from the horrible place he was living in to come to your home. He loved you so much for it and I'm sure thanked you each and every day.  I KNOW he loved you back even more than you loved him.

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  • I'm so incredibly sorry :( I'm in tears here as well. Napoleon sounds like an amazing dog. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :::huge hugs:::
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