Same-Sex Households
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Do people struggle with how to intruduce your DW/DP?

It tends to be a recurring thing that happens, but once we tell someone that we don't care if they announce to the world that we're married, there isn't any more confusion.

Normally it goes down like this: Someone (either a relative or a friend) will be doing introductions and they'll say something like, "This is Mike and his wife Ashley.  This is hedgefun.  And this is.. (long pause)... [DW's name]."  We've even gotten a, "This is my cousin [DW's name], and hedgefun, her, uh, yeah..."

Anyone else run into this or something similar?

Lexiipooh23

Re: Do people struggle with how to intruduce your DW/DP?

  • YES! My relatives always do that awkward pause when introducing us to people. It annoys me so much but I've just started introducing myself instead of waiting for "the pause."
  • Oh yes, we've definitely been there.  And we have family members (older ones) that intentionally introduce us as friends. ew.

    The best solution we've found is what pp suggested, just jump in and introduce ourselves first.  avoids the wierdness.

  • MY FATHER. 10 freaking years and 2 kids later and he still doesn't know how to introduce L. So he doesn't. "These are my grandchildren, Carter and Grayson. And my daughter A." Causes big issues. BIG.
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  • If we've run into the issue I can't recall it.  There was a point before we got married that K's mom called me K's 'little friend' but I think that was mostly because of the age difference and her not expecting the relationship to go anywhere.  Other than that I can't think of people not knowing how to introduce us.
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  • image ctbride08:

    Oh yes, we've definitely been there.  And we have family members (older ones) that intentionally introduce us as friends. ew.

    The best solution we've found is what pp suggested, just jump in and introduce ourselves first.  avoids the wierdness.

    Oh yeah, I hate the "friend" thing.  

    I do try to jump in when I can and introduce DW or myself when I can.  If they omit the relationship, I'll normally say that I'm the wife.  

    I just think it's kind of funny how people struggle with it.  

  • My MIL introduces me as her DIL. This is my daughter Carol and my DIL Kennedy. This way she doesn't have to say that I am Carol's wife, but leaves it up to people to think maybe I am married to one of her boys or to figure it out for themselves.

    It is what makes her comfortable, and it's better than nothing so it is fine.

    I figure we can always fill in the blanks with people later.

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  • Someone referred to NotFroofy as my "friend," once, before we were married.  I asked him pointedly, "Should I be introducing [his wife's name] as your friend?"  He got the point.
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  • My sister has introduced us as "my sisters."  It doesn't bother me too much but it drives my fiancee crazy (i love that fiance is a gender neutral term... but it's going to be gone soon!)
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  • My wife's parents are the only people that refer to me as her "friend". At a family reunion over the summer her dad had to introduce us to extended family he would say this is my daughter J and quickly follow with this is her friend Angel (not leaving any time for one of us to jump in and say I was her wife). After that event she's explained to him that we feel it's rude for him to ignore that we're married so we'll see how introductions go from here on.
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  • OMG Yes!! This annoys the hell out of me! My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and both my parents and her parents use the word "friend" when introducing us. We plan on getting married and I'm hoping the work "friend" will go away afterwards.

  • image 2dBride:
    Someone referred to NotFroofy as my "friend," once, before we were married.  I asked him pointedly, "Should I be introducing [his wife's name] as your friend?"  He got the point.

    LOL! This is great.  

    I've also noticed that some people who used to refer to me as DW's girlfriend when we were dating, which at the time was an appropriate reference, still continue to do so now that we're married.  And these people were at our wedding.  

  • I do think people struggle with whether "wife" or "husband" is appropriate even after a couple has wed, because they're gendered terms and a lot of people in a queer spectrum don't like them. So it's not all people sucking, but sometimes actually people trying to be extra sensitive.
  • image curiouskit10:
    I do think people struggle with whether "wife" or "husband" is appropriate even after a couple has wed, because they're gendered terms and a lot of people in a queer spectrum don't like them. So it's not all people sucking, but sometimes actually people trying to be extra sensitive.

    I can agree with that for certain/many people, but not all.  There are people who have asked us how we refer to one another, and I think those are the types that fit the definition of what you're talking about. I also can understand how some people who don't know how we refer to each other can feel "deer in headlights"-ish when put on the spot to introduce us when they've never had to do so before. It's kind of expected, and these are the instances that make me giggle a little on the inside, and I don't really mind as much when it happens. In most cases the next time around things will go more smoothly.

    But, there are certain circumstances when I feel like we need to move forward, especially when people know we use the term wife.  For example my MIL used to have a very hard time when DW would introduce me as her wife. She used question whether or not we actually wanted people knowing we were a couple, and she'd say things like, "Not everyone is okay with that." Obviously we understand that some people may not like our relationship, and I'd rather those people know we're married and not associate with us than lie about who we are.  - I know that's not what you were getting at in your comment though - I just kind of went off on a tangent with a weird/extreme example! 

  • I really do think my parents use the term "friend" because they don't know what term to use and since we are dating I guess it's ok for now. However when we get married I think we are going to use the term partner...my girlfriend and I have discussed it and we don't want to refer to each other as wife. I plan on explaining all this to my parents.

     I don't mean to go off topic but I'm new here and I was wondering if there is a way to get an email when someone replies to a post that I commented on, is it as simple as selecting the watch this tread link at the top?

  • Yes i get that all the time !! one time me and my partner were out one day and someone asked her can they get my sister's number and my wife said hey that's my wife back the **** off !  i was like OMG!!!
  • When in doubt, I use the term "partner."  This goes for both gay and straight couples, unmarried (but serious) or married--unless I KNOW they refer to each other as "husband" or "wife." It can sound a bit business-like, but it conveys the relationship in a respectful, gender-neutral way. 
  • Ah, yes, I remember one time when NotFroofy and I were at a party, and someone was hitting on NotFroofy right in front of me.  And we were doing everything but having sex on the living room floor to indicate we were a couple.  He apparently found that so unimaginable that he could not even pick up on very unsubtle hints.
  • image rayshea:
    When in doubt, I use the term "partner."  This goes for both gay and straight couples, unmarried (but serious) or married--unless I KNOW they refer to each other as "husband" or "wife." It can sound a bit business-like, but it conveys the relationship in a respectful, gender-neutral way. 

    *straight poster who clicked into this forum accidentally chiming in...*

    So, when introducing a same sex couple in my universe (which is less common now that I don't live in Chicago and instead live in the lilywhite suburbs, boo), I have tended to use the phrase Spouse, as in "This is Sally, and Sally's Spouse Susie".  I figured it got the point across without accidentally creating a Gay Marriage debate in the middle of a TGI FRidays....Am I generally ok here?

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  • Since we have gotten married I think it has gotten easier-now people just say "wife" and it is hard for anyone to be confused about that.

    On a related note, I don't like it when straight, married people refer to their spouses as "partner".  Give me a break-you are legally married and it sounds too PC and weird when they say partner.

  • I've actually corrected people - I don't care who they are. If I'm introduced as my wife's "friend," I immediately say, "I'm K's wife, actually." This makes for some awkward moments (for the person who introduced me as a friend, mostly), but honestly, I don't go for the friend thing.
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  • image sprky79:

    image rayshea:
    When in doubt, I use the term "partner."  This goes for both gay and straight couples, unmarried (but serious) or married--unless I KNOW they refer to each other as "husband" or "wife." It can sound a bit business-like, but it conveys the relationship in a respectful, gender-neutral way. 

    *straight poster who clicked into this forum accidentally chiming in...*

    So, when introducing a same sex couple in my universe (which is less common now that I don't live in Chicago and instead live in the lilywhite suburbs, boo), I have tended to use the phrase Spouse, as in "This is Sally, and Sally's Spouse Susie".  I figured it got the point across without accidentally creating a Gay Marriage debate in the middle of a TGI FRidays....Am I generally ok here?

    Yeah, spouse is ok in my book. :) 

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  • My girl and I have been together for nearly a year and a half, and her mother still refers to me as 'friend', despite being happy we're together. We plan on getting married, and have finally set a date, but we're afraid she'll still call me the friend when we do get married. As for what to be called, since I am ftm pre-op, I do still want to be referred to as husband, not the wife. Though only my side of the family will introduce us by those terms.
  • My parents just say my daughters..people can clearly tell that she's NOT my sister though lol because I'm white and she's black. I've heard my family call her my "best friend" too. We're getting married in 13 days...so we shall see what happens afterwards. 
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  • MdeTMdeT
    First Comment
    member
    I recently went to a party where most women were married lesbians, and most of them didn't introduce themselves in an awkward way, but only one of them introduced herself in a way that made me feel comfortable, and it was because she was comfortable herself.

    The discomfort in introductions reflects internal discomfort, I imagine. Once people feel comfortable, it will be comfortable. It's something that can be "felt". Be patient. Some people can't get over their traditional long-standing beliefs, and some people will always feel uncomfortable about themselves (their looks, their weight, their job, etc) and it will show. Be kind.
  • My parents are usually the worst with "the pause" they've gotten better and now since we're married they introduce her as their other daughter. We're working on kids now and my mom is a nurse and I don't think I'll ever be as happy as I am now that my mom is helping ! I'm really proud of my parents bc at the beginning of our relationship they wouldn't even let her in the house.
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